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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959393">Say Your Goodbyes Before They're Gone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaresThird/pseuds/MaresThird'>MaresThird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Women's Soccer RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depressing, F/F, Life after soccer, Parental Death, Sad, Slightly Alternative Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:42:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>110,860</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959393</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaresThird/pseuds/MaresThird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobin's hands are full. </p><p>She's still processing her retirement from soccer, a breakup with her girlfriend and her Mother's deteriorating health. She moves back home to help her Mom and meets an amazing woman. She's conflicted to start a relationship with her for multiple reasons and the woman herself is just as conflicted for her own reasons.  </p><p>This is a story of someone searching for their purpose after their dream life as an athlete is over. The ups and the downs and the realities of life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Tobin Heath/Christen Press</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>680</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><strong>January</strong> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin wakes in her old room from her childhood, although it looks very different than how it was when she lived here until graduating high school. First of all, the stars are gone she realizes, feeling a pang of emptiness as she lies on her back looking up at her ceiling. When did Mom do that, she wonders, what else did she change, she thinks as she lets her eyes roam along the light tan painted walls that have a few of the landscapes Tobin had painted way back in high school. She smiles, remembering when she had done her first deep dive into painting during the weeks she was recovering from a broken ankle. </p><p>She rolls on her side to give a good look at the watercolor of a soccer field she had painted so many years ago. She remembers it like yesterday, being depressed about missing her summer club team since she was out due to snapping her tibia three weeks before. She was lucky to not need surgery, but the injury would set her back from playing in the fall. She was still uncertain if it would be in her best interests to play with her team her high school team senior year or train with the boys’ team. The pros and cons of either team was tough to sort out. </p><p>Her Mom, the saint on Earth that she is, brought her a paint set and an easel, canvases and a sketchbook and kindly told her to focus on something else. It would help her lower her stress and make her decision come more easily to her. Tobin read the booklet that came with the paint set and spent some time messing around with the paints. Luckily, it was her left leg and she was now allowed to drive on her own since she wasn’t taking painkillers anymore. She took off to go out and paint, her destination unknown. Her Mom packed a cooler with drinks and snacks, giving her a hug and a kiss and telling her to text her when it got dark. Of course, Tobin ended up at her home pitch, empty since her team was away for a tournament. She set herself up at the far end of the bleachers, liking the perspective. She painted two pictures that day, one during the day and one at night when the lights came on to illuminate the field. </p><p>Those two paintings hang side by side in her room, Tobin looking at them critically, seeing the flaws but also noting the clever strokes and use of color. She didn’t get much of a chance to look at anything in the house last night. She had pushed her drive from Portland to home, not wanting to stay in a hotel another night. She had taken three days to drive and was exhausted when she reached home last night, her body buzzing from the road and numerous coffees she had consumed. Her muscles protested when she got out of her truck, knees cracking and hamstrings stretching uncomfortably as she pulled her backpack and duffel bag from her backseat and walked up the back deck to enter the house. After greeting her Mom, they talked for about an hour about her drive, then she sent up to her room to go to bed and ordered her to not set an alarm. </p><p>It was about a thirty-two hour drive according her Google map, the family home located about an hour west of Chicago in Illinois. It was a college town, home of a Division 1 university and their house was located about twenty minutes from the outskirts of the college campus. She hadn’t registered much of the town last night, too sleep deprived and too focused on driving the snow packed streets and getting home to notice much of anything in detail except how much larger the city seemed. More housing, more stores, the downtown area still looked the same, the brick two story buildings standing tall. She would have time to explore and see how things have changed. </p><p>She yawns loudly and stretches under the thick white comforter, contemplating going back to sleep but then reasoning she could always take a nap later. Slowly she leaves the bed, hissing when her bare feet hit the cold wood floor, quickly grabbing clothes from her duffel bag, making sure to include thick socks. It was cool in the house as they were still in the thick of a Midwest winter. Her condo in Portland had heated floors and heat was included, so she typically wore shorts and t-shirts around her place during the winter months when she was home.  Another new addition to the house and her room was the en suite bathroom. Last year her Mom had done some renovations, eliminating one of the smallest bedrooms to convert it into two bathrooms, one in Tobin’s room and the other in the first guest room near the stairs. There were four rooms total up here now, the two baths swallowing up the old sewing room that her Mom and Grandma use to hang out in. </p><p>After showering and dressing, Tobin lingers in the hallway, looking at the family photos spanning the years. She shakes her head at the ones of her as a child, looking so dorky with her big teeth and the Batman helmet she wore for almost a year, convinced she was the crime fighter. She smiles at the ones that include her Dad. Her parents had divorced while she was in college and she took it hard. She really believed that marriages lasted a lifetime, at least her parents should have. It came as a shock to her, yet as she had thought about it more and more, she understood. She was the only one of her siblings to understand. She was also the only one of her siblings to put it in the work to salvage a relationship with him post divorce and Tobin felt it had been worth it. They became closer than they were before everything went down and Tobin thought it was because she had matured some. His death last year before the Olympics hit her hard. He was her rock, and next to Mom, he was also her biggest supporter.</p><p>Her hand glides along the wooden the stair rail, the finish worn with years. This house has been in the family for three generations. Built in the 1850’s, her great grandparents on her Mom’s side lived here, then her grandparents and her own family. There’s history in this house. The family were farmers and over time had acquired quite a bit of land. Tobin’s unsure how many acres or properties her Mom owns, but she knows she’s comfortable. </p><p>She doesn’t kid herself, she knows she’s extremely lucky with her situation. Her family is well off and easily could afford the clubs fees and travel expenses for her youth soccer career. Her sisters played tennis, Katie playing for a D1 school and taking private lessons and court fees adding up. Jeff is into golf, again private lessons and greens fees and travel as well. She’s never talked money with her parents, they happily provided for her and there were conditions. Doing well in school, keeping out of trouble and helping out around the house when time allowed. She gladly kept to her side of the deal, working hard to keep her grades up, not being one to cause or look for trouble and happily taking on her chores. She was an easy kid. Then again, she had a front row seat to seeing how Katie and Perry handled themselves and knew how much she could push the envelop. Not that she pushed much. She wasn’t inclined to go against her parents anyway. </p><p>She really loves the living room, the wide planks of the wood floor, the original large wood windows with the wavy handmade glass panes. The walls are plaster and painted off white bracketed by the crown molding wrapping around the room matching the matching the floor. It’s tastefully decorated in a timeless fashion, functional and comfortable furniture in warm tones. The sofa and club chairs have changed over time yet they blend in perfectly. Real wooden side tables with Tiffany style lamps atop them that casted a warm glow last night. </p><p>Standing in the living room, Tobin looks over and sees the entrance to the study on her left and to her right is her Mother’s room that a bathroom had been added to over the years. There was a dining room many years ago, but that got absorbed into the kitchen, making it a gigantic area with a long handmade wood table and comfortable chairs. She walks past the butler’s pantry into the kitchen seeing the natural wood cabinets in the daylight and noting that it’s nearly 11:30. She really slept in this morning. </p><p>“Good morning,” her Mom greets, smiling at her from the kitchen table. </p><p>“Hey Ma,” Tobin greets, walking over to the coffee maker, checking it and is grateful it’s on and there’s enough for her to have a cup. She grabs a mug from the cabinet, happy that the location of the mugs hasn’t changed from the last time she was here and pours herself a mug of the hot brew. </p><p>“Do you have cream?” she inquires, knowing her Mom takes her coffee black, so she isn’t sure. </p><p>“Yes, dear,” her Mom replies, “I got you some,” </p><p>“Thanks,” Tobin says, opening the refrigerator to find it on the inside door. She’s surprised to see a few of bottles, pulling each one up to read the label and noting the vanilla and taking that out. She cracks it open and pours in a healthy amount. She returns the bottle to fridge and pulls open the wrong drawer looking for a spoon. She opens the next one over and finds it. She stirs her coffee, waiting before she takes the first sip, it’s still a little too hot for her right now. </p><p>“Honey, let me make you something,” her Mom offers, setting her tablet down and rising from her chair. </p><p>“Oh, Ma, I can,” Tobin states, but her Mother shoos her away from the counter and Tobin takes a seat at the table. </p><p>“So,” she begins, lifting her mug and blowing on the liquid, “what’s your day like today?” </p><p>“Well,” her Mom considers as she opens the carton of eggs, “I was thinking of going to the feed store a little later,” she says, “I’ve got some homemade sausage to share with the boys.” The boys were her corps of farmers with ages ranging from their thirties to their sixties, yet she referred to them as her boys. They watched out for her, swinging by in the winter to plow her long drive free of snow and send their kids over to cut her grass or watch her house when she was travelling. Over the years they’ve come to be like family to her. </p><p>“They’d all love to see you,” she adds. </p><p>“You made your sausage?” Tobin’s eyes go wide with excitement. She remembers watching with a mix of disgust and amazement while her Mom would hours creating the tasty treat. She spent many hours working the manual grinder that had been handed down through the generations. </p><p>“Don’t worry,” her Mom laughs, knowing it’s one of her favorite things to eat, “there’s plenty here for us,” </p><p>“Awesome!” Tobin smiles and fist pumps, “I can’t wait,” she grins at her. “Yeah, so what time you want to go? I haven’t seen the guys in ages,” </p><p>“After you eat and relax,” her Mom replies, “and don’t rush, they’ll be there all afternoon, so there’s no hurry.” </p><p>“Sweet,” Tobin says and takes her first sip of coffee, “ah,” she sighs happily, “I need to know what type of beans you use,” she says, taking another drink, “this is very good.” </p><p>Her Mom chuckles, “Dutch Brothers,” she answers, “I have it shipped,” </p><p>Tobin raises her eyebrows, “Really? You do?” </p><p>Her Mom nods, “I really like it,” she says, “and that’s where you prefer to go when I’m in Portland, so it made sense,” she shrugs, “it’s not that expensive either,” </p><p>“Aw, Mom,” she says, “that’s so cool,” </p><p>“Well, we don’t have the same coffee scene here that you’re used to,” she frowns, “so at least you should enjoy it here,” </p><p>“That’s fine,” Tobin says, “I’ll show you how to take this to another level though,” she says confidently, smiling at her, “I’m going to get a French Press,” she states, “I didn’t bring mine,” she says, “didn’t think of it,” she shrugs, “but once you have it like that, it’s just like it’s from the shop.” </p><p>“Oooh,” her Mom sings, “fancy!” </p><p>Tobin wiggles her eyebrows at her and gives her a toothy grin. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin is shivering as they walk across the uneven snow coated gravel parking lot on the back side of the feed store. “It is so cold,” she chatters, “how can you stand this?” </p><p>Her Mom smiles, her cheeks rosy red from the cold, “A better jacket, for starters,” she remarks, giving Tobin a pointed look at her hoodie and jean jacket combo. </p><p>Tobin rolls her eyes, “I didn’t think it’d be this <em>freezing</em>,” she mutters, but she smiling as she pushes her hands deeper into her pockets. </p><p>“I know you own ski jackets,” her Mom notes, “you didn’t think to bring them?” </p><p>Tobin shakes her beanie clad head, “I took off kinda quick,” she responds hastily, “didn’t think too hard about what I packing.” </p><p>Her Mom frowns slightly as she nods, opting not to comment about it right now, seeing as they’ve reached the door to the building. Tobin quickly steps forward, the bag of homemade sausages she’s carrying looped around her wrist swinging as she opens the door. Her Mom gives her a cheeky wink as she passes, leading her inside. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am so happy you have a remote start on this thing,” Tobin says gratefully as she slides into the warmed up truck, shivering once more. They stayed at the feed store for over an hour talking with the farmers while they sipped on coffee from the vending machine near the dock doors. </p><p>“It’s a must around here,” Cindy remarks, “do you have one on your SVU?” </p><p>“No,” Tobin shakes her head, rubbing her hands together, “Maybe I should though,” she considers, “Ma, it was awesome to see the guys again. They’re pretty cool dudes.” </p><p>Cindy smiles, “Yes, they are,” she agrees, “I’ve been so lucky to have them working with me.” </p><p>Tobin smiles to herself, liking how her Mom phrased that, working with her. While she may own the property, she relies on the farmers to do their jobs properly to get the best harvest possible. It's intriguing to her. </p><p>“Ma,” she says, buckling her seatbelt as the pickup moves out of the lot, “how much about farming do you know? Like, I mean, the science part of it.” </p><p>Cindy glances over, “Practically none,” she admits, “but I’ve got the years of being around your Great Grandfather and your Grandpa,” she says, “there was a lot of table talk when I was growing up.”  </p><p>“So, like reading nature?” Tobin inquires, looking over at her. </p><p>“Yes,” she answers, “and being smart enough to listen to the farmers and know they’re not bullshitting me,” she chuckles and shakes her head. “They’re good men. They want to succeed just as much as I want them to.”   </p><p>“You’re like the coach, huh?” Tobin asks, bringing it back to terms she feels comfortable with. </p><p>“I’m more like the manager,” Cindy corrects, “Mr. Latham is the coach. He has more day to day contact with them, takes care of the minor issues.” </p><p>“So, what happens now? It’s the off season,” Tobin observes, “what do the guys do?” </p><p>“Well,” Cindy considers, “they perform their maintenance on their combines and tractors and whatever else. They spend time with their families, take vacations, take soil samples in January and then in February, we discuss the crops. The soil samples taken lets us know what additives should be laid down, what vitamins and minerals are needed. We create our crop rotation list, which is done to keep the soil as healthy as possible. Seed orders are placed, along with fertilizers and non-chemical based pesticides.” </p><p>“Is it organic?” Tobin asks, curious to know. </p><p>Cindy gives another chuckle, “Sweetie,” she says, giving her a loving glance, “we were organic farming before it became a big deal.”</p><p>“Even the cows and stuff?” Tobin is surprised. </p><p>Cindy smiles again, “Grass feed, none of those herd-based antibiotics,” she replies, “those animals see an actual veterinarian, individually.” </p><p>“Why did I not know this?” Tobin asks, feeling as if this is the first time she’s hearing the details about the farm. </p><p>“Well, honey,” her Mom says, “the opportunity never really came up. I mean, our visits have been so short and full of activities and family,” she shrugs, “there was just never time.” </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Tobin says genuinely, “I feel like this was something I should have known,” she frowns, furrowing her forehead. </p><p>“It’s okay,” Cindy smiles, “I’m not upset,” she says truthfully, “now we have time and if you’re interested, I’ll tell you everything you want to know.” </p><p>“I think I want to,” Tobin answers, surprised that she feels drawn to learn about the business. </p><p>“Awesome!” Her Mom chuckles, offering her fist for a knuckle punch. Tobin taps her hand, laughing at how her Mom is mimicking her. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Over the next few days, the two establish a routine to their days. They find that they’re easy to live with once the excitement of catching up has worn off. Tobin’s mom is very much a social person, just like Tobin and usually each day her friends or her sister Meg is over. Tobin loves these women, she’s grown up with them and considers them family. </p><p>Tobin maintains a workout schedule, using the treadmill in the basement since the snow prevents her from running the country roads. It's hard for her to not workout in some sort of capacity. She isn’t ready to exactly make herself totally known in town, the few times she’s gone there, people have made a fuss over seeing her and it makes her feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. She’s not one to seek the spotlight and she’s extremely grateful to the fans who supported her, but sometimes they step over the line and make it weird. Plus, she really doesn’t want to answer a lot of questions about what she’s doing back in town and with her life now that she’s done playing soccer. </p><p>She had been fortunate enough to be a professional soccer player, representing her country and winning Gold medals in three Olympics and being a three time winner of the World Cup. Her career lasted longer than most of her teammates, she played until she was thirty-six while others had retired or left the game years before her. She counted herself very lucky for having the career she did and for the friends she had all over the country. </p><p>It was only this past November that she had hung up her boots at the final Victory Tour match that celebrated their Olympic win. Her family was there, along with her girlfriend Mary and a group Tobin’s of friends, most of the them former teammates and a few of her close friends from UNC and high school. It was a bittersweet occasion, but she held herself together. That match was played in Cary, North Carolina and it felt to Tobin that her career was coming around full circle. Back in NC, not too far away from UNC. She played lights out, scoring two goals and ending her career with a spot in the record books with 251 caps, 89 assists and 55 goals at the age of 35. She had appeared in 4 Olympics, earning 3 gold medals and in 4 World Cups winning 3 of them. They were the first team to ever win back to back World Cup and Olympic Gold twice, once back in 2019and 2020 and then this last round. </p><p>That last match for Team USA came on the heels of the Portland Thorns winning another Shield for their amazing season and the Championship match, beating the two year old new addition to the league Phoenix FC in the final. It had been a brutal match, with Phoenix resorting to dirty tackles, hair pulling and very hard fouls to try to win. It was only a couple of weeks ago that the deep bone bruise in Tobin's foot had completely healed from that match. The match was an instant classic with Tobin scoring the opening goal, then assisting Lindsay Horan for two goals and getting another assist off a set piece to Thorns rookie Alex Hanson, Tiffany Millbrett’s daughter. </p><p>Coach Parsons subbed Tobin off in the 89’, Tobin taking her time to remember it. The crowd chanted her name throughout the stadium, all of them knowing this was her final match. She smiled widely at Lindsay as she pulled off the Captain’s armband and placed it on her arm, giving her a hug as Lindsay struggled to hold back the tears. The chanting lasted after the final whistle blew, Tobin joining her teammates on the pitch to celebrate. They chanted her name as she hoisted the trophy and took photos with the team before handing it off to Lindsay. </p><p>What to do with her life after soccer wasn’t something Tobin had seriously contemplated for years. Financially, she was well off enough to not do anything for awhile and she preferred to slowly discover her interests and develop them. She thanks her financial adviser, some extremely shrewd investments and multiple endorsement deals. Maybe something would light a fire and she would find a new passion for a new career. But then, her life took a turn and now she finds herself in her childhood home, sleeping in her childhood room and having no clue to how to handle the task placed before her. She has no preparation for this task, she’s not encountered anything like this in her life. </p><p>Her Mom is dying and Tobin’s heart is breaking with every day that passes.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>January</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin found the snowblower in a dark corner of the garage under a dust covered tarp. She’s spent most of the morning consulting YouTube videos and searching the heated garage for the correct tools to attempt to get the thing running. She took the twenty minute drive to safely dump out the old gas in the plastic gas can and filled it up with fresh gas and purchased a couple quarts of oil. </p>
<p>Her Mom did not appreciate her sealing a turkey baster to draw out the old gas from the machine, but Tobin promised to buy her a new one unless she planning on making a turkey today. Her Mom rolled her eyes at her and sent her on her way, reminding her to crack the garage door once she got it running. </p>
<p>When the machine roared to life, Tobin felt a sense of pride fill her chest, feeling a little shocked she figured out how to fix it. She did crack the large door open a foot and let it warm up as suggested, then she tested the rotating blades to make sure those were working and she was ready to attack the sidewalks and enlarge the driveway from the narrow path it had been plowed. </p>
<p>She makes sure she’s zipped up her coat, her gloves on her hands and she raises the door, walking the machine out and closes the door behind her. She surveys the task at hand and attacks it in a methodical manner. After a few passes, Tobin realizes this is pretty boring and she wishes she had thought to bring her phone and earbuds to play some music. Her mind drifts as she walks behind the snow thrower, going back a few months ago. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>In November, a week after Tobin’s final soccer match, her Mom had called her, scared with the news that her yearly mammogram had found something suspicious. The following week, Tobin flew from her home in Portland, Oregon to the family home in rural Illinois to accompany her to the doctor’s office to hear the results of the biopsy her oncologist had performed. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The cancer had returned in her breast, the one they didn’t remove a few years back and her doctor felt she should get a complete body scan to see if it had spread. Two weeks later, Tobin’s sisters Perry and Katie joined her and her Mom when they heard the results from that test. It had spread and it was aggressive. Tumors were in her lungs, her lymph nodes and along her spine and developing in her brain. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was terminal. There was a high probability that she wouldn’t survive the treatment they would use to manage her cancer. It would require multiple surgeries and chemotherapy and radiation courses that would weaken her immune system and heart.  Tobin couldn’t believe how calmly her Mom took the news, just nodding solemnly and thanking the doctor for her time. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Perry immediately wanted a second opinion and her Mom agreed, sending the scans over to another specialist in Chicago at Northwestern Hospital who came back with the same conclusion. Perry wanted to find another, she spent hours on her computer searching and reaching out to cancer centers across the nation who offered tentative offers of treatment plans. None were very hopeful. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Their sister Katie tried to take over, stating the doctors in California were better and their Mom should come back with her for treatment. Her brother Jeffrey just cried and was quiet, unsure whether to speak up or not. He and Tobin shared similar characteristics, one of them not being outspoken with their opinions and the other was not arguing with their older sisters. They typically waited to be asked before sharing any opinion they may have. Both Jeffrey and Tobin told their Mom they would support her with whatever she chose to do. Tobin offered to move back home and stay with her.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>After six weeks of doctor appointments and hearing opinions about radical treatments and survival percentages, her Mom quietly but firmly told Perry and Katie she was grateful for their efforts, but she wouldn’t be doing any treatment. She wanted to go off on her own terms and not suffer from the hands of others. She was ready to meet her maker. <br/>That time tested Tobin’s patience as she was used to just strolling in and seeing one of the medical team with an ache or a pain or if she didn’t feel good. She realized that not many people had the access to the medical profession like she did when she was playing. Making phone calls and scheduling appointments and sitting in waiting rooms were not something she had dealt with in a long time. It was one of the many welcome to the real world situations she faced back then. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Tobin being so supportive didn’t sit well with her sisters, calling her constantly and trying to convince her to get Mom into some form of treatment. Tobin refused, explaining it wasn’t her place and it was Mom’s decision alone. She didn’t know if they hounded Jeffrey like they did her and she didn’t bring it up to Jeff because she didn’t want him to become more upset with his older sisters. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That caused a slight rift between the female siblings, Perry and Katie bitterly making comments about Tobin always being the favorite and how Mom always listened to her and other things that were uncharacteristically unkind. Tobin was mature enough to realize their words were a manifestation of their fear and grief talking, but it still hurt to hear them. <br/>It was two weeks ago when Tobin was back home on Portland and was speaking to her Mom and she offered once again to come and live with her. This time her Mom quietly agreed. The weeks that had passed from her Mom’s diagnosis to Tobin leaving had put a severe strain on Tobin’s relationship with Mary, the woman she was dating.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“So, you’re just going to go and live with her?” Mary asked, “Up and leave me?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Mare, she’s dying,” Tobin said, her voice laced with irritation. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You haven’t even bothered to ask me,” Mary said bitterly, “I guess I don’t matter to you.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Tobin sighed, counting in her head to ten to control her anger. “Mare,” she said evenly, “I have shared with you every development of my Mom’s health since this started. She’s my Mom and I’m going home to take care of her.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mary looked at her crossly, “First off,” she folded her arms, “this isn’t home? Portland? Where you are a superstar and can get a free meal or drinks anywhere in this city? And secondly, why don’t you hire people to take care of her and when she gets worse you can just go then?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Tobin’s mouth had dropped open when she heard her say that. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she exploded, her arms waving, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Why do you have to go?” Mary continued as if she hadn’t heard Tobin’s outburst. “Your sisters should take care of her. You have no clue what to do.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Are you listening to yourself?” Tobin questioned her, still in shock. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You’re just doing this because you don’t want to face your future.” Mary accused her, “You’re blowing off Nike for the collaboration, you say you don’t want to coach, you haven’t even begun to look into starting your own clothing line and you keep turning down the invites for every launch party on the west coast.” Her voice was getting louder and she was shouting by her last sentence. “You don’t go to any networking events with your sponsors and all you do is sit around and read or write in your stupid journal or fuck around thinking you’re an artist with your dumbass paints!” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That was it. She just realized right then that Mary truly didn’t care about her or her needs or her family. Mary was more upset about missing the free meals and drinks with sponsors, the photo opportunities of being seen at events and making herself look good. Tobin couldn’t believe it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Get out.” Tobin said coldly, her eyes blazing with anger. “Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back.” She stood up and walked over to the table where Mary’s purse laid, lifting it up, “Leave.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mary walked over, full of hostility, swiping the purse from her hand, “Fucking loser,” she muttered as she passed her and walked out the door. “All I wanted was for you to do something with your life. You’ll never amount to anything. Just live off your past and be a fucking loser!” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Tobin felt relief when the door slammed shut and she stood there silently for ten minutes, unable to comprehend what had just occurred. She slowly walked to the door and twisted the deadbolt and the other lock. How could someone be so uncaring? Her rage had lowered into a simmering fury and that propelled her begin collecting any item that Mary would remotely lay claim to. She spent the next three hours boxing up any of Mary’s possessions, gifts Mary had given her and anything else she could think of related to Mary. </em>
</p>
<p><em>In the two days that followed, Tobin had a locksmith come and change the locks with Tobin leaving an extra key for the building manager and explicit instructions that Mary was not allowed to enter her condo. She arranged for the boxes to be shipped to Mary. She haphazardly packed clothes and her other belongings to go home. She spent the first four hours of her drive from Portland talking with Allie and Alex about what happened with Mary.</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin feels pretty stupid now for not realizing how Mary only wanted the glamorous life with her. She didn’t realize how subtly Mary would encourage her that they should go to this or that event. She remembers how many times Mary would question Tobin about writing a book or holding camps or becoming a coach. How Mary would often mention the projects her teammates were involved in creating. How Alex was writing a new children’s book or Allie being an assistant coach for the Thorns. Megan Rapinoe and her separate CBD and clothing businesses. She didn’t understand that Tobin wanted to breathe or fa little while and get her bearings away from the game. She was exhausted from the years of being on the move and the physical beating her body had withstood. </p>
<p>Tobin feels a pang in her chest that she recognizes as relief. She is grateful she never asked Mary to move in, remaining stubborn and wanting to keep separate households. She cited having her own place for when her friends and family visited and Mary accepted that for awhile, although in the last few months she had started to hint louder about it. How Mary reacted to Tobin’s situation with her Mom and life after soccer made her seriously question what she saw in the woman. She was now more angry than hurt about it, but she also feels sad and slightly stupid for not seeing Mary’s true colors until now. How she could manipulate her into going to those events just to benefit herself in some way. Tobin adjusts her grip on the snowblower as she walks behind it, wondering if her friends saw the dominating side of Mary that she didn’t see. Alex and Allie never mentioned it when she talked to them last week as she drove from Portland, still reeling from her and Mary’s final conversation. </p>
<p>The more she considers it, Tobin realizes that her and Mary never really had deep meaningful conversations. They could talk politics and religion but they never discussed their future until a few months ago when Mary prodded and hinted about moving in with her. Tobin doesn’t truly understand her hesitancy about doing it, why she cited wanting to have room for visitors as a reason. She thinks that deep down she knew they weren’t compatible for a long term relationship and was avoiding outright saying no. </p>
<p>Mary hasn’t called and Tobin hasn’t even contemplated getting in touch with her. She has nothing to say to such a despicable woman. Mary would have received her belongings she mailed by now and Tobin is a little surprised she hasn’t called her in a rage. She mentally braces herself for the potential outing she might resort to or online rants about how horrible she is in breaking up with her. She doesn’t care what she says, she knows the truth and she knows that she would only have to state they broke up because Mary was upset because Tobin wanted to go home and take care of her dying Mom and the online response would be explosive. She knows how incredibly loyal her fans are. She had held them at arms’ length, being very private about her personal life and over the years she loosened that up. Now she realizes it was done at Mary’s encouragement and Tobin played right into it. Mary wanted to shine as being Tobin’s girlfriend and Tobin feels pretty used by her. She believed her hook, line and sinker. </p>
<p>How could a person get upset about someone wanting to take care of and spend time with their dying Mother? Tobin shakes her head, finding it appalling that she could be so ignorant. They were together for two years, they spent time with each other’s family. Mary had a good relationship with my family, with her own parents, how could she not be understanding about me wanting to be my dying Mother. If the tables were turned, would Mary have wanted to go to her own Mom or not? </p>
<p>She starts to work on the snow accumulated at the end of the driveway from the snow plows that have passed overnight, thinking she’ll appreciate having that part done first. As she works the machine through the crusted over snow and ice, she thinks about her visit into town with her Mom on first day back. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The town has changed over the nearly eighteen years since Tobin really lived here. It’s a college town and the university has grown and added accreditations and enlarged the campus over the years. More light industry has come even though it is still predominantly a farm town. There is a Starbucks, a few other coffee shops that are filled with students that she could see from her Mom’s truck as they drive towards town. She recognizes only a few of the same stores from when she was growing up, the others having long departed by either going out of business or moving locations.</p>
<p>They chatter away while they shop for groceries and keep up the conversation while they unload their purchase back home. To Tobin’s surprise, Cindy tells her how they market the produce to the farm to table restaurants in town. </p>
<p>“We have those here?” Tobin questions, kind of shocked at the news. </p>
<p>Cindy nods, “Let’s go out to dinner tomorrow night,” she suggests, “I’ll take you to my favorite one.” </p>
<p>Tobin grins, “Sure,” she nods excitedly, “You know me, I’ll eat anything.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>February</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin and her Mom are thriving in their routine. Usually by nine they were eating breakfast, then Tobin would get in a run on the country roads or along the perimeters of the vast corn and soy fields if the roads were clear of snow. More often than not, she would make use of the treadmill in the basement while her Mom would read the paper to keep up on daily events. They would visit the feedstore once a week and hang out with the farmers for an hour or two. Usually her Mom’s friends would gather at the house two or three times a week, having lunch and playing cards. Tobin would busy herself with grocery shopping or work on an art project or check in with her friends after visiting with the ladies while they all ate lunch together. When the ladies left, Tobin would supervise while her Mom walked on the treadmill as Cindy was insistent to not let the cancer make her weak and wanted to stay as strong as she could for a long as she could. </p>
<p>Currently, Tobin is in the sunroom with her Mother, watching as her Mom navigates the Netflix menu, intent on finding one of her favorite movies to watch. Tobin sees how her Mom is smiling with anticipation of seeing the movie. </p>
<p>Tobin’s mind wanders. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Christmas at the house was bittersweet, the idea that this may be the last one with Mom hung heavy on the children. Tobin was determined to make it a wonderful time spent remembering past holidays and family trips and enjoying the specialness of them being together. By the second day of the other siblings being home, the others had caught her festive spirit and they had an awesome time. Their Mom shared special recipes with them, Katie’s two little ones were showered with affection and spoiled with presents, their youthful excitement about the holiday making it hard for any of them not to smile. There were quiet times in the living room, talking about anything and everything. Perry suggested an Arizona trip in February and Katie surprisingly agreed, stating she would be able to get the time off. </em>
</p>
<p><em>Somehow, talk turned to making it a road trip and soon they were all on board. It sort of became just a trip for them; Jeffrey, Tobin and their Mom would rent an RV and leave from home and start west where they would pick up Perry in Houston in a week. Three days later they would meet Katie and her twins in Albuquerque and then arrive in Sedona four days later. They would stay for a week, then Katie and her kids and Perry would fly out of Phoenix and the three would continue home.</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Currently, Tobin and her Mom have been back home for two days, slowly settling back into their routine. Cindy’s friends came over yesterday to welcome them back and hear about the trip to Arizona and feed them with enough food to last a few days. Both of them were pretty tired and Tobin could clearly see how much the trip took out of her Mom. She was a trouper, always up to stop for a roadside attraction, navigating the route while Jeffrey drove the RV they rented. Sometimes she would nap in the back of the RV while they drove along the highways or would retire to bed early some nights. Her pain level was tolerable for the trip and they were thankful for that. </p>
<p>As they drove further south and the temperatures got warmer, the nights at a random campground around the firepit became cherished times. They made it a point to have a fire as many nights as they could and when Perry joined them in Houston, she experienced it as well. Katie did from Albuquerque to Sedona. When Tobin talked to her siblings yesterday, they all agreed it was the best part of the trip. That feeling of togetherness while sitting around the fire, the open air and stars above while talking about whatever came to mind. <br/>Tobin could tell her Mom was tired and the trip had really sucked the energy from her. She hoped that a few days of doing nothing would help her perk back up. As she watched the movie, her mind wandered a little, thinking how her Mom never wanted to hear from any of the doctors a given estimate of the time she had left on Earth. She told Tobin she didn’t want a number to loom over her, she just wanted to do her own thing. </p>
<p>Her Mom’s voice shakes her from her thoughts. </p>
<p>“What, Mom?” </p>
<p>“Honey, would you get me a pain pill? I’m feeling a little sore,” her Mom states, neatly arranging her tray with empty bowl and plate. </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Tobin nods, unfolding her leg, her left knee popping and crackling and she winces a little as she stands up, “ah, I should know not to sit like that,” she shakes her head. </p>
<p>Her Mom chuckles, “Getting old, dear,” she smiles. </p>
<p>“I know,” Tobin grins as she slightly limps from the room. </p>
<p>“Ma,” she says as she returns, “is it bad?” she asks seriously, searching her Mom’s face to see if she was in serious pain. </p>
<p>“It’s not awful,” she replies, looking down and then back up at her daughter. She reaches her hand out and Tobin takes it in hers, “I promise I’ll tell you when it gets bad,” she states, looking sad.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to be in pain, Ma,” Tobin says, her voice cracking with emotion. </p>
<p>Her Mother gives her a sad smile, “I’m afraid that won’t be possible, baby,” she says softly, “it’s going to get worse.” </p>
<p>Tobin sniffs, she knows this, she’s read all about it in various online articles and forums for caregivers. “It’s just not fair,” she whispers, squeezing her Mother’s hand gently. <br/>She gives her another sad smile, “It’s my cross to bear,” she says simply, “and I’ll do it without question. I’m ready. This is my decision. You know,” she says with a sigh, “I don’t want to go anytime soon, but when He comes to call, I’m ready.” </p>
<p>Tobin just nods as tears stream down her face, she’s too choked up to speak. Silently she hands over the pill and watches her Mom take it. After she sets down her glass of water and swallows, she looks up at her. </p>
<p>“I think I’m going to take a nap,” she announces, pulling the blanket out that was on the back of the recliner, “then we can do something.” She smiles at her, “I have an idea.” </p>
<p>Tobin watches the rest of the movie while her Mom reclines her chair and drifts to sleep, but she really doesn’t follow the action. She’s too preoccupied with thoughts of her Mom’s impending death and thinking of her being gone. Even though she’s lived away from home since college, her Mom has always been a phone call away. She doesn’t know how she’ll navigate her life without her. </p>
<p>When her Mom wakes up from nap, she tells Tobin she wants to go outside and the two bundle up and go outside a make a snowman on the front lawn. There had been a snowstorm while they were driving back, most likely the last one before spring hit. Tobin gets the feeling her Mom has started checking off her bucket list and after dinner, she goes out to the garage and is thrilled to find the same old jar of wax high up on a shelf. She waxes the bottom of the toboggan she brought down from the rafters and convinces her Mom to go sledding. She makes her take a pain pill first. </p>
<p>They both laugh like loons and have tears of joy out on that hill.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mom?” Tobin calls from the kitchen, “What do you want for lunch?” </p>
<p>“Soup sounds good,” she replies from the sunroom, “there should be some from Sally. She left some yesterday,” Miss Sally, as Tobin calls her, is her Mom’s best friend since elementary school. Her brother is Tom Latham, the manager of the Heath farms. </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah,” Tobin nods as she opens the fridge, “chicken noodle?” </p>
<p>“Yes,” </p>
<p>“Awesome,” Tobin hums as she prepares a small bowl, heating it in the microwave and buttering some Club crackers to go along with it. She makes a bowl for herself and then places the hot soup bowls on a tray along with the plate of crackers. She grabs a water bottle for herself and a lemonade for her Mom and lifts the tray and walks to the sunroom. </p>
<p>“What are you watching?” Tobin inquires as she enters the bright and airy room. It’s nice and warm in here despite the snow on the ground outside. She glances at the TV, not recognizing the show. </p>
<p>“It’s an Agatha Christie movie,” her Mom explains, pulling her tray table in front of her from the side of the of the chair she was seated. “Death on the Nile,” </p>
<p>“Oh, are they in Egypt?” Tobin asks as she sets the tray with one hand on the handle and the other placing the bowl in front of her Mom. She places the spoon next to the bowl and some napkins on the table as well. She lifts the tray and places the plate of crackers on the end of the table. She turns and sets the tray on a side table, turning back and presenting the plastic cup with a lid and straw to her, “Fresh squeezed,” she grins at her. </p>
<p>“Oh, thank you, dear,” her Mom smiles at her, “you didn’t have to do that.” </p>
<p>“Nothing but the best for you, Ma,” Tobin smiles genuinely at her, “I made some iced tea too,” </p>
<p>“Sit and eat,” her Mom directs, pointing her spoon at the leather side chair. Tobin takes her seat with her bowl in hand, her water bottle within easy reach. </p>
<p>“Now,” her Mom begins, “the movie has just started and this group of people are gathering to tour up the Nile,” she says, shifting in bed slightly, “it’s one of my favorites.” </p>
<p>Tobin takes a spoonful of soup as she watches, “Wait, I think I watched this with you before,” she murmurs, “years ago.” </p>
<p>“It’s a good one,” her Mom smiles, eyes bright and focused on the screen. </p>
<p>Tobin lifts her butt off her seat using a hand for leverage as she folds her leg under herself, settling in to watch the movie. The laundry can wait, so can mopping the kitchen floor. All of it can wait, Tobin thinks, glancing over to look at her Mom. She feels the all too familiar lump rise in her throat, swallowing down a sob as she studies her Mom who’s sitting upright in her chair, slightly hunched over the table on wheels, glancing down as she takes a spoonful of soup and moving her eyes back to the screen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>March</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Um, Mom?” Tobin asks as she eyes the fully decorated Christmas tree in the corner of the sunroom, “What’s up with the tree?” </p>
<p>Her Mom looks up at her as she sets the lid on the ornament box. “I want this up as a goal,” she answers. </p>
<p>“A goal for what?” Tobin inquires, tilting her head. </p>
<p>“I want to live for one more Christmas.” She replies with determination. Tobin sees it in her eyes when she quickly looks over at her. The idea kind of surprises her but a thinking about it for a moment, she realizes if that is what will keep her Mom going, then she’s all for it. “Okay,” she nods. She moves across the room and helps her put away the empty boxes into the bins her Mom had asked her to bring in here. “Can I ask you something?” </p>
<p>“You know you can, honey,” her Mom smiles at her. </p>
<p>“You said before that you have a list of things you want to do,” she pauses for a moment, “is it like, an actual list?” Tobin asks. She’s found out that she’s grown to hate the term bucket list. She won’t use it anymore. </p>
<p>“It is, actually,” her Mom smiles. She slowly stands up from the recliner, “Want to see it?” she asks brightly and Tobin nods and follows her out of the room. </p>
<p>They’re in the study and her Mom is sitting behind the impressive desk that Tobin’s Father used to sit at. She watches as her Mom opens the middle drawer and removes an old spiral notebook. Tobin smiles, seeing how it’s nothing fancy. </p>
<p>“What?” her Mom is smiling. </p>
<p>“I figured it would be like, a fancy book or something.” Tobin shrugs. </p>
<p>“I don’t go for fancy, young lady,” she chuckles and pushes it across the desk. “Go ahead,” she encourages, “I’ve got nothing to hide.” </p>
<p>Tobin finds that the first entry dates back to way before she was born. </p>
<p>“Have sex with Jeff?” she squeaks, her head shooting up to look at her Mom with surprise, glancing back down to do the quick math and figure out her Mom was in high school when she wrote the entry. She blushes as she realizes Jeff is her father and they definitely weren’t married when this was written. She looks up again at her Mom and arches an eyebrow at her.  </p>
<p>Her Mom just shrugs and chuckles, “Maybe you want to turn to towards the back,” she suggests gently, “I’ve updated it recently.” </p>
<p>Tobin flips the pages and finds the page dated last month. She smiles when she sees the entry ‘Go to Arizona again’ with a neat check in front it and the ones underneath of what she wanted to see and do. She feels glad she was there for it and they had so much fun on that trip.</p>
<p>She sees the additional entries, surprised there are only a few and how simple they are, nodding as she reads. The pages list several entries, like visit the farmers’ market, spend time with family, plant flowers in the yard. Simple joys. When she finishes, she looks up, “Guess we got some planning to do,” she smiles at her, her smile widening as she sees the excitement on her Mom’s face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Late April</strong> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She’s slowing down, Al,” Tobin says, the sadness filling her voice. Her Mom was sleeping in later, taking more naps and not always instantly agreeing with Tobin to go somewhere or do something outside. She was consistently taking her pain medication now. It was disheartening. Reality was beginning to set in with Tobin that her time with her Mom was limited.</p>
<p>Alex reaches over and rubs Tobin’s forearm, “I’m so sorry,” she says softly, looking sorrowful. </p>
<p>The two are sitting on the front porch steps, each sipping a beer. Alex had come to visit overnight with her daughter and her Mom and Allie Long had tagged along as well. Alex’s Mom Pam and Cindy have a close friendship built over years of being on the sidelines and in the stands of soccer matches. The two and other parents formed a network of looking out for their children when they scattered across the country playing in college and then in the professional league. The three athletes have remained best of friends over the years, not letting the distance of playing on different club teams come between them. Alex removes her hand and takes a long drink and then looks over at her friend. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” she says quietly, “you look exhausted,” </p>
<p>Tobin gives a shrug, “I’m a little tired too,” she admits, “Mom hasn’t been sleeping super great lately,” </p>
<p>“This has to be so hard,” Alex sighs, scooting closer to Tobin and slipping her arm around her shoulder. </p>
<p>Tobin tilts her head to rest on Alex’s shoulder, “I’m so lost,” she whispers, “I feel like there’s so much more I should be doing but I’m so tired,” </p>
<p>Alex hums and pulls her closer, letting her head rest against Tobin’s, “Have you considered that maybe it’s time to get some help in? If you had a nurse or someone, you could get some rest and it would free you up to do what you want and need to do,” </p>
<p>Tobin sniffs, the emotions coming to surface, “Perry keeps saying I should call the doctor and have them start hospice,” </p>
<p>“What’s holding you back?” </p>
<p>The screen door behind them opens and Allie steps out, bringing fresh beers and sitting down next to Tobin. She passes them the beers, “Whatcha talking about?” she asks quietly. <br/>“Hospice,” Tobin says miserably, downing the last of her beer and setting the bottle on the step by her bare feet. It’s a beautiful spring day, the temperatures in the low seventies. </p>
<p>“The people that came in and helped my Grandpa were amazing,” Allie states, “my Mom was so grateful for them.” </p>
<p>Tobin slowly lifts her head to look at her. “Really?” she asks and wipes her eyes. </p>
<p>Allie nods, “They came in early,” she says, sipping her beer, “before he was super sick, it was called, um,  palliative care? Like, they were checking on him and then added nurses when he got worse,” she nods, “My Mom loved that there were medical people there who knew what was going on,” </p>
<p>Tobin hums as she considers, “She trusted them?” </p>
<p>Allie nods, “Oh yeah,” she says, “when they were there, it let my Mom go and do things, like groceries and sometimes getting lunch with friends or just take a nap,” she shrugs, “whatever she needed to do.” </p>
<p>“Getting out of the house,” Alex murmurs, “you need some time to yourself, Tobes,” </p>
<p>“Sometimes I do feel a little stir crazy,” Tobin admits quietly, sniffing again and then using the back of her hand to swipe under her nose, “this place is so different than Portland, you know? But I also feel like I can’t leave, ya know?” </p>
<p>“You should call my Mom,” Allie suggests, “she can walk you through the process of having people coming in,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I think I will,” Tobin agrees, surprising her friends at being so willing. Alex and Allie both take it to mean that Tobin is struggling more than they know. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry this is happening,” Alex says, tearing up, “your Mom is so brave,” she says, “you’re so brave.” </p>
<p>Tobin just nods, unable to speak. </p>
<p>“You need anything,” Allie says, getting emotional as well, “me and Al are just a phone call away.” </p>
<p>“I can make it work to get on the first flight out,” Alex states, “or if you need a break, you can come out to visit anytime. If you need anything, you hear?” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin nods, their kindness and support making her feel emotional and spilling over as her chest hitches as she starts to cry.</p>
<p>Allie and Alex set their drinks down and lean against Tobin, their hands on her back, letting her release the emotions she’s built up over the months of caring for her Mother. They don’t speak; there’s no words to say during this moment. They know how close Tobin and her Mom are, they know how difficult this is for their friend. During the many long conversations they’ve had with Tobin over the months, this situation has forced Alex and Allie to contemplate the mortality of their own parents, which is an uneasy topic to consider. </p>
<p>Pam Morgan watches from the screen door, silently witnessing the moment. She’s a mixture of being proud of her daughter and Allie and her heart breaks for Tobin. She’s proud of Tobin for taking this on and assuming the responsibility to care for her Mom. She also hates that Tobin is forced to go through this with Cindy. She hates that Cindy is dying. Cindy has become one of her closest friends over the years, they speak with another weekly. She silently steps away from the door and retreats back to the sunroom where Cindy is reading a book to Alex’s daughter Mia. </p>
<p>Her and Cindy chat quietly while Mia sleeps, Cindy excitedly sharing how Katie will be visiting soon with the twins. They talk about grandchildren and time and hopes and dreams. After a half an hour, they notice Tobin, Alex and Allie are in the yard, kicking a soccer ball around, laughing and teasing another. It makes both of the mothers smile.</p>
<p>They reminisce about when their daughters were young and the some of the trips they took for tournaments around the world. When the girls bustle into the house, they proclaim their hunger and begin to prepare dinner. Tonight’s the final night the visitors are in town, they’ll fly out tomorrow afternoon. </p>
<p>Dinner is spirited, talking about spring and how the athletes are adjusting to retirement. Alex is doing color commentary with Julie Foudy for the ESPN broadcasts of the NWSL while Allie is back in Portland as an assistant coach with the Thorns. Since Tobin is the recent retiree, she confesses she has no idea if she wants to get back into soccer in some way, she’s unsure if she wants to go through the process to get a coaching license. She still wants to do her camp, although she thinks she’ll take a year off.</p>
<p>It goes unspoken that Tobin is currently doing a very important job right now and it’s not that she hasn’t had plenty of offers, but she had wanted to take some time away from the game to figure out what she really wanted to do. Then when her Mom’s cancer came back, well, that took over her life. The breakup with Mary is another thing that lingers, but they don’t speak of it. Allie and Alex know the true reason behind the breakup, they’re the only ones who know that with Tobin sharing with everyone else it was because they grew apart.   </p>
<p>There’s hugs and tears when the group departs with promises of returns visits soon. Tobin sees how her Mom visibly grows tired after their departure, it had been a busy past two days. Tobin grimaces when she sees her Mom wince with pain. She heads to the butler’s pantry off the kitchen where she has the medications set up along with the other items she uses to care for her Mom. At the beginning of the week, her Mom had had a few instances of not being able to make it to the bathroom in time. They talked about it and Cindy agreed that she should begin to use adult diapers, especially at night. Tobin was nervous about her tripping and falling when she got up during the night. </p>
<p>Other things were starting to happen, like Cindy was occasionally forgetting things and her memories weren’t always on point like they used to be. Just little episodes and she would be right in the head again. She would call for Tobin during the night to ask her random questions, making Tobin rush out of her room and down the stairs to her. Tobin started sleeping on the couch. </p>
<p>“Hey Ma?” Tobin asks as she enters the room with a pain pill and some CBD gummies for her. Megan Rapinoe, her former teammate from the National Team and current owner of a very successful cannabis company, had sent Tobin a case of gummies to help her Mom with the pain. “Can we talk about something?” </p>
<p>“Sure, honey,” her Mom replies, “I wanted to talk to you about something,” she smiles. </p>
<p>Tobin sits down in the chair next to the bed and considers how to broach what’s on her mind. Her Mom senses her trepidation. </p>
<p>“How about I go first?” her Mom asks, giving her a kind smile and reaching her hand out when Tobin nods. Tobin takes her Mom’s hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I feel I need some more help,” she begins, her eyes flashing at Tobin, “not that you aren’t an immense help,” she assures her, “I think I need some medical care.” </p>
<p>Tobin bites her lower lip, nodding again and giving her an encouraging smile. </p>
<p>“I think we need both need some help,” her Mom continues, “I know I’m slipping a little,” she shrugs, “the balance thing, the peeing thing,” she crinkles her nose, “I know I’ve been forgetting things. And I think it’s time to get on something heavier with the pain pills.” </p>
<p>“It’s okay, Ma,” Tobin husks, feeling her emotions rise once again. </p>
<p>Her Mom gives her hand a squeeze, “I don’t want the weight of all of this on you, sweetheart,” she says, her voice full of emotion, “it’s going to get harder as I get worse.” She gives her hand a squeeze once again and then drops it, straightening up to sit tall. “We’re just going to do this and let your sisters know after a while. I don’t want them thinking I’m dying next week or something.” </p>
<p>“We’re going to call my doctor tomorrow and schedule an appointment and get some help. I think I want a bed in the sunroom, so I can look out at the yard. I don’t want you sleeping on the couch anymore. You can sleep in my room. We’re also going to call Jerry, my lawyer,” she says, “there are some things you need to know.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Beginning of May</strong> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin carefully signs her name to the document, letting out a puff of air when she sets the pen down and looks up. Jerry, her Mom’s lawyer gives her a sympathetic smile and nods. His secretary gives her the same smile and Tobin nods. They’ve come to witness and notarize various papers her Mom wants for financial and medical purposes. </p>
<p>“That’s it?” Tobin questions, glancing over to her Mom and then Jerry. </p>
<p>“That’s everything,” he states, reaching across the desk to retrieve the documents. He neatly stacks them, turns them on edge, shuffling them so they’re nice and neat. He opens his briefcase and sets them inside. “I’ll submit the land trust to the state and deliver three copies of the rest of the papers back to you in two days.” </p>
<p>“Thank you, Jer,” Cindy says, “I appreciate it.” </p>
<p>He stands up, walking over and cradling her hand in both of his, “You call if you want to make any changes,” he states warmly, “anytime, day or night. I’ll be here,” </p>
<p>“I know,” she says, slowly rising her seat and they hug. He straightens up and approaches Tobin, who stands up from the behind the desk, walking to meet him. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” he shakes her hand, “be assured I’ll do everything I can to help you when the time comes,” </p>
<p>“Thank you, sir,” Tobin says gravely, a bit in shock from reviewing her Mom’s will, creating a land and property trust and signing over documents for medical and financial powers of attorney. The three reviewed her Mom’s insurance policies and her Mom directed beneficiaries and it had started making Tobin’s head spin. Signing off to her Power of Attorney for healthcare and finances gave Tobin the chills, knowing the gravity of the situation. She was feeling the weight of the responsibility. It is overwhelming. </p>
<p>“Please, call me Jerry,” he insists, his voice soft and calm, understanding how difficult this was for her, “I’ve known you since you were a baby.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, letting out another breath, “Right,” she says, nodding, her hand going to the back of her neck, “this was…a lot.” </p>
<p>“I understand,” he says gently, “but us doing this now is the best thing we can do for the future.” </p>
<p>Tobin escorts him and his assistant to the door, commenting on the warm day before Jerry looks at her. “If you need anything,” he states, “or have questions, just give me a call, okay?” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tobin nods, “she’s hoping to be around for Christmas,” she suddenly states, not knowing where that came from. She must look startled because she feels Jerry’s hand on her arm. </p>
<p>“I know you’ll do everything you can to make that happen,” he states, “but remember, if it looks like it might not,” he says, “you can always fake her out a little,” </p>
<p>Tobin tilts her head, not understanding, “Assuming she’s on very serious pain meds,” he explains, “you can get creative. Fake snow machine, turn the thermostat down, wear layers, that sort of thing.” </p>
<p>“Oh,” Tobin looks startled again, “I hadn’t thought of that,” </p>
<p>He gives her a wink, “You’ll know what to do,” he assures her, “you know your Mom. It will come to you when the time comes.” </p>
<p>After she watches them drive away, she enters the study, giving her Mom a small smile. </p>
<p>“You alright, dear?” Cindy asks her daughter, looking concerned. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin replies absently, “it was just,” she shrugs, “like, final, you know?” </p>
<p>“Well, I am dying,” her Mom chuckles, “that’s pretty final, sweetheart,” </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin groans, throwing herself into the chair next to her, “don’t talk like that.” </p>
<p>“Sweetie,” her Mom says as she shakes her head, “you’ve got to find some way to be okay with this,” </p>
<p>“I’ll never be okay with you dying,” Tobin huffs, crossing her arms, “It just sucks,” she looks at her, “I don’t want you to go,” she frowns. </p>
<p>Her Mom smiles, Tobin’s pouting reminds her of how Tobin would react when she was younger and it was storming and she couldn’t play outside, “I don’t want to leave either,” she says, “but it is what is. So, what do you say we do our best to make each day as joyful as we can?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says slowly, refusing to let this somberness take control over her. Also, she’s not the one dying and she shouldn’t be making this difficult for her Mom. She takes a deep breath and exhales, giving her Mom a small smile, “What do you want to do today?” </p>
<p>“Let’s go to the garden center,” her Mom suggests, “I feel like planting some flowers. I want the yard to be full of color this year so I can see it from the sunroom.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You doing good, Ma?” Tobin checks in as she sets another bag of topsoil on the ground next to where Cindy is kneeling on a foam pad. </p>
<p>“Yes,” she looks up and smiles brightly, “do you think we should put the yellow or red petunias here?” She gestures with her hand. </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Why not both?” </p>
<p>Her Mom laughs, “Why did I know you’d say that,” she shakes her head, “Would you get the other trays? We’ll add a little of everything,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods approvingly, “It’ll be an explosion of color,” she smiles, turning to retrieve the trays from the back of her SUV.</p>
<p>The two work side by side, Tobin following her Mom’s directions of which flowers should go where. “I miss this,” Tobin admits, looking down at her dirty hands, “I never had much of a chance helping you when I was little,” she says absently, feeling as if she’s lost important time with her Mom and never realized how much of it until now. </p>
<p>“You were always on the go,” her Mom states, “and you loved it. I knew you’d view doing something like this as a chore and wouldn’t find the joy in doing it. Your passion has always been on a soccer pitch,” she sits back on her calves to look at Tobin while she works, “I’m glad you’re seeing the joy in it now,” she says warmly, reassuring her. </p>
<p>Tobin looks up and gives her a smile, nodding at her and then focuses on the hole she’s digging. The two are quiet for a moment, digging out holes for the flowers and setting them in and gently tamping around them with the topsoil. </p>
<p>“How are you adjusting to life after soccer?” her Mom asks suddenly. </p>
<p>Tobin sits back on her calves, “I miss it,” she admits, “not all of it, but I miss the team, the closeness.” </p>
<p>“You still talk to them,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, but the joking in the locker room, hanging out, practice,” Tobin shrugs, “the rush of scoring and the crowds cheering,” </p>
<p>“Have you thought of what’s next?” her Mom asks quietly as she works. </p>
<p>“My job right now is you,” Tobin smiles, “I want to give you the best send off possible,” </p>
<p>Her Mom looks up at her, smiling. She cups Tobin’s cheek with her dirty hand, “You’ve been doing that, sweetheart,” she assures her, “I love having you here. It’s as if God planned this. You being available to come here and stay, it’s worked out well hasn’t it?” </p>
<p>“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” Tobin says truthfully and smiles genuinely at her, her hand holding her Mom’s that’s still against cheek, “It’s like we’re making up for the time I couldn’t come home because of soccer,” </p>
<p>Her Mom smiles, “It is,” she sighs, then rolls her eyes, “I hate that it’s because I’m dying,” she chuckles, “but I’m just so happy you’re here.” She scrunches up her mouth, thinking. Then she drops her hand and looks over each of her shoulders, as if looking if anyone was around to hear her, although the two are alone in the yard, “Don’t tell your sisters,” she says conspiratorially, “but I’m so grateful you came,” she says, now sitting back on her heels, “Perry would be too weepy and sad every day and Katie would be still be trying to drag me to doctors all over the place and Jeffrey, he just wouldn’t know what to do.” </p>
<p>“It’s only because we love you so much,” Tobin interjects, feeling the need to defend her siblings. </p>
<p>“I know,” her Mom says, “but of all my children, you’re the calmest one. I know this is stressing you out,” she says, laying her hand on Tobin’s forearm, “but you’re perfect. There’s going to be no right or wrong with how we do this. You and me,” she points to herself and Tobin, “we’ll figure out what works best, alright?” </p>
<p>“Got it,” Tobin smiles, feeling reassured by her. She’s been a little overwhelmed but has come around to welcoming the idea of having people coming in to help out. She realizes she needs some time to herself, to just do her own thing. Get out of the house on her own. Go into town and get a coffee. Maybe see if any of her childhood friends were around. She’s conflicted about leaving the house though. She feels very protective of her Mom. </p>
<p>“You know,” Tobin says, “it’s been pretty cool learning about the farm,” she says as she flicks her wrist to turn over the soil, “I had no idea of how diverse the properties were,” <br/>“I thought it would be smart to have a little of everything,” Cindy states, “when I purchased that thousand acres back when you were little, I didn’t want to depend on one crop type just in case there was a drought or an infestation. Your Grandfather taught me that. While I might not produce the same tonnage as others, I haven’t been as crop dependent and I have the advantage that most of my produce is locally distributed.” </p>
<p>“Huh,” Tobin nods, “that’s smart. What happens if one crop is bad? Does the farmer not make enough money?” </p>
<p>Cindy shakes her head, “They get a yearly salary and then after harvest and the end of the fiscal year, there’s profit sharing spread amongst everyone. So, if there’s a bad crop or two, it might not be as much that year. It’s not as large of an impact of them that way.” </p>
<p>“Wow,” Tobin is impressed, “I never knew that. Guess I always thought farmers get paid after they sell their crops,” she shrugs.</p>
<p>“Well,” Cindy smiles at her and hands her a container of flowers, “it was like that when Granddad was farming,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and shakes out the flowers from the container, setting them in the holes she’s dug. The two go back to work, digging their holes and filling them with the colorful flowers. Tobin feels a little lighter after their conversation, like she doesn’t need to have all of the answers about taking care of her Mom and know how this should go. She’s also intrigued about how her Mom handles the farm. It isn’t something that really interests her, but if she’s going to be her financial power of attorney, she should at least make an effort into learning the business a little more. As executor of her Mother’s estate, she should be responsible and get at least a working knowledge of it. She knows Perry, Katie and Jeffrey have no interest in it, they are all firmly in their own careers. The conversation about possibly selling it after Mom dies is one that Tobin is not looking forward to having. She wants to wait on having that talk since Mom is still relatively healthy. Plus, she guiltily is hoping her Mom says something first and takes the responsibility of it off her shoulders. </p>
<p>“We should make planters all over the deck,” Tobin suggests, “that way you could see them from the sunroom,” </p>
<p>“Hmmm,” her Mom considers, “I like that idea,” she says, “you still want to make a firepit too?” </p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” Tobin says enthusiastically, “that was the best part of the Arizona trip. I want to do that here,” </p>
<p>“Well, you can really see the stars at night,” Cindy says, “around a fire would be nice.” She looks over at her daughter, “We can buy the planters, you know,” </p>
<p>“I want us to make the planters,” Tobin states determinedly, “I saw the saws and tools in the garage, it would fun.” </p>
<p>“Oh, and then we could paint them and hang them off the deck rails,” Cindy nods, catching the spirit, “we could put them on both sides!” </p>
<p>“Yeah! We could totally figure it out,” Tobin agrees, “between our brains and YouTube, I’m sure we can,”  </p>
<p>“Well,” Cindy considers, “you do your research on the lumber and the plans,” she suggests, “and I’ll figure out what to plant in them.”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a plan to me!” Tobin grins. </p>
<p>As they finish up the planting for the day, Cindy looks over at Tobin who stuffing the empty topsoil bags into her arms. “The hospice nurse is coming tomorrow,” her Mom quietly reminds her, “I think we did all of the suggestions the social worker made,” she continues, “so we should be all set.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods rather solemnly, “The grab bars in the shower were easy,” she comments as she works, “they just suctioned on,” she stands up, “What time is this nurse coming over?” </p>
<p>“Around two,” her Mom replies. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin says and trots over to the recycle tote to dispose of the bags. </p>
<p>Cindy notices Tobin is a little subdued for the rest of the evening. She knows it bothers her that a nurse is coming, not because of Tobin’s lack of effort or ability in caring for her, she knows that, but she feels it’s because the term hospice is making this a reality of her illness. She feels for her daughter, she doesn’t want her to be so upset about this, yet there’s nothing she can do except to put in a brave face and pray. Pray that she finds peace with this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, Har, it’s going pretty good,” Tobin says as she’s sprawled out on the living room couch, talking to Allie, “the nurse is supposed to come today, so we’ll get that figured out and I’ll have some time for myself, you know?”</p>
<p>“How is your Ma doing?” Allie asks.</p>
<p>“Pretty good,” Tobin replies, “she gets some bad pains sometimes,” she says quietly, “mostly if she overdoes it, but we’re hoping she can get on something stronger soon.” </p>
<p>“Memory?” </p>
<p>“Ah, she forgets stuff sometimes, but nothing major yet,” Tobin answers, “Her balance gets out of whack, so she’s using a cane sometimes, but we try to go out almost everyday, even if it’s just in the yard.” Tobin sees a flash of color coming up the long driveway, “Al, I think the nurse is here,” she says hurriedly, sitting up. </p>
<p>“Call me whenever,” Allie says, “Alex and I want to come out for your birthday,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, that sounds cool,” Tobin says as she eyes a slender figure with dark hair moving from the vehicle to the sidewalk. </p>
<p>The doorbell rings and Tobin pops up and off the couch, moving to open the door and she looks up to see quite possibly the most gorgeous woman she’s ever set eyes on. Her phone slides out of her hand and clatters on the wood floor. “Oh shoot!” Tobin mutters, bending over to retrieve it and she smacks her forehead on the screen door. “Ow!” she groans, her hand coming up to her head and rubbing the spot. She straightens up and the woman is looking on with amusement in her green eyes and a slight smirk. </p>
<p>“Uh, sorry,” Tobin mumbles, her cheeks are flaming red, she’s positive about that and now she suddenly is becoming tongue tied. Nothing is coming out of her mouth. She’s forgotten every general thought about social norms when meeting a new person. Her mind is blank and she can only look at this beauty, awed by her and just staring at her with her mouth slightly open, frozen. </p>
<p>“Hi, I’m Christen Press, your nurse from Alliance Health Care,” the woman introduces herself with this voice that has a timber to it that makes Tobin nearly physically swoon. She’s looking at Tobin now with slightly raised eyebrows, unsure about this woman. </p>
<p>“Uh, my Mom,” Tobin splutters, then shakes her head, dropping her hand that is clutching her forehead still, “I mean, you’re here for my Mom.” She realizes the screen door separates them still, she opens the door, “Please, come in,” she says, feeling like a complete idiot. </p>
<p>Christen enters the house, “Thank you,” she says politely, “and you are?” </p>
<p>“Oh!” Tobin nods, “I’m Tobin,” she extends her hand, praying it’s not sweaty, “Cindy’s daughter.”  </p>
<p>They shake, “Nice to meet you, Tobin,” Christen states, waiting for Tobin to let go of her hand. Tobin thinks Christen’s voice is just so <em>pretty</em> and gives her a goofy grin, “Sorry,” she mumbles, dropping her hand, “my Mom is right this way,” she jerks her thumb over her shoulder, “straight back in the sunroom,” she gestures, “after you.” </p>
<p>As Christen passes her, Tobin swears she sees Christen giving her a quick once over and she shakes her head, glancing down at her ratty muscle t-shirt that reads Sun’s Out, Guns Out. Oh lord, way to make an impression, Ma’s not the only one dying over here, she thinks to herself, her eyes growing large at the sight of Christen’s firm backside as her hips move gracefully under her scrub pants as she walks in front of her. Tobin brings a hand to her forehead, sweet Jesus, this is nuts. </p>
<p>Just then, Christen stops walking and half turns, “Did you say something?” she asks, a smile on her face with a trace of that smirk and for a moment Tobin questions if she’s actually been speaking aloud. </p>
<p>“Ah, nah,” she shrugs, her hand leaving her forehead before moving it to the back of her neck to scratch it. </p>
<p>“Did you hit your head hard?” Christen asks amusedly, “Need me to check it out?” </p>
<p>Tobin gulps audibly, her mouth growing dry. </p>
<p>“Tobin? Is someone here?” her Mother’s voice comes from the sunroom. </p>
<p>Tobin clears the throat, “Yeah, Ma,” her voice cracks and this time she knows Christen smirking at her. Tobin suddenly inhales her saliva and a violent coughing fit ensues. They enter the sunroom, “This is Christen, Ma,” Tobin introduces with a raspy voice. </p>
<p>“Tobin, get yourself some water,” her Mother directs, “hi Christen, I’m Cindy, it’s nice to meet you,” </p>
<p>Tobin retreats to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water and chugging it. She wants to go and hide, embarrassed by her stupidity in front of Christen. She’s leaning up against the kitchen counter, holding her empty glass and staring the wood grain on the cabinet in front of her. </p>
<p>Christen’s eyes match her dark scrubs, Tobin muses, only having seen eyes that color from one of Becky Sauerbrunn’s cats. Never a human. Never someone as beautiful as Christen. You idiot, she chides herself, your Mom is dying, you can’t be mooning over a nurse who’s here to help her. She hangs her head feeling a mix of shameful emotions.</p>
<p>“Tobin?” this sweet voice from heaven itself comes from behind her. Tobin turns around so fast, she knocks her empty glass over, her hands chasing it as it rolls along the counter. She fumbles to get it upright before turning to face Christen. </p>
<p>“Yeah?” she questions, feeling her face turning bright red, internally cursing her clumsiness.</p>
<p>“Your Mom said you had a list of her medications,” Christen replies softly, giving her a sympathetic look.  </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, right,” Tobin nods, she walks past Christen to the butler’s pantry, “this is where I keep all of Mom’s stuff,” she explains, showing her the prescription bottles lined up on the low narrow shelf above the counter. “This drawer has her folder," she states, opening the drawer and pulling out a bright blue folder and opening it. She hands over the typed sheet of her Mom’s meds. “It’s updated from her last doctor’s visits visit. You can keep it.” </p>
<p>Christen takes it from her and glances over it, “This is very nice,” she says, nodding with a small smile, “I’m impressed,” </p>
<p>Tobin closes the drawer and leans against the counter, “Well, there’s no way I’d ever remember all of that stuff,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “I get that,” she says, giving her a smile, “not a lot of people take the time to do something like this though, it’s terrific.” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs off the compliment, “It’s not a big deal,” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a grin, “It is if you have to write this all down,” She turns to leave the pantry, “Thank you,” she says. “You coming?” </p>
<p>“Should I?” Tobin shrugs with uncertainty, she doesn’t know what the protocol is with stuff like this. </p>
<p>Christen gives her a warm smile, as if she senses Tobin’s uneasiness with her being there, “Sure,” she jerks her head, “come on.” She exits the small room. </p>
<p>Tobin takes a deep breath, just try not to be an idiot, she says to herself, be cool. She rounds the corner and hears Christen’s melodic laugh and rolls her eyes. I’m fucked, she thinks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for your kind comments and kudos- I appreciate it. </p>
<p>Hope you're all staying as safe and well as can be-</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin sits in the corner, struggling to maintain her cool and be content to observe. She’s nervous and antsy and unsure what she should be doing during this, so she focuses on Christen while trying to disappear in the corner of the room and being fully aware to not be giving out any type of stalker vibe while the woman works. She stills her body, resisting the urge to bounce her knee or tap her foot. Even this task is difficult for Tobin as she notices how Christen’s dark curls frame her face so beautifully. Her complexion is mysterious to Tobin, she can’t tell if she’s tanned or maybe she’s Hispanic or mixed race. Whatever her heritage is, Tobin thinks, it doesn’t matter because Christen is just beautiful. How the angle of her jaw slopes to her perfectly formed narrow chin. How she sits with perfect posture as to Tobin’s slouching, a laptop balanced on her thighs as she waits for a screen to load. Every movement she makes is carried in such a graceful manner. How her manicured nails click on the keyboard, how her eyes seem very green yet there are other colors in them, making Tobin want to look longer and deeper into them. She wants to study them. She watches how Christen absently pulls some hair behind her ear, showing off three piercings, two in the lobe and one higher up each filled with silver jewelry. She flinches when Christen speaks. </p>
<p>Christen has a laptop sitting on her lap and is looking it over, “Your insurance covers all of our care,” she declares, “right now this is considered palliative care. Comfort is our goal, Cindy,” she says kindly, “and we’ll be around to assess you and make sure you aren’t in pain.”  </p>
<p>“Cindy, can we talk about your expectations of our care?” she asks, the tone of her voice so gentle and kind. It carries this genuine mix of sympathy and professionalism. Tobin tunes out her Mom for a moment, feeling immensely guilty for finding Christen so attractive that she’s distracted while they are discussing her own Mother’s impending death. </p>
<p>Tobin softs coughs into her shirt sleeve and straightens in her seat, determined to pay attention. </p>
<p>Tobin feels a rush of pride as her Mom talks about how she wants to die with dignity in her own home and not be in too much pain, if possible. Tobin wonders at how she can be so strong to talk like that, like, just in conversation with this stranger that Christen is. A beautiful stranger, but a stranger to them none the less.</p>
<p>Christen is listening carefully, making notes in the computer, her eyes darting between the screen and Cindy, giving her a sympathetic look and nodding. “Cindy, do you have a DNR?”</p>
<p>Tobin stands up and nods to her Mom, leaving the room. She enters the butler’s pantry and retrieves her Mom’s folder and returns to the sunroom. She opens the folder and finds the papers quickly, lifting them out, “Uh, here,” she offers to Christen, hoping she doesn’t notice how Tobin’s hand is shaking slightly. </p>
<p>“Thank you,” Christen says warmly, giving her a small reassuring look as she takes the papers from her hand. She looks them over quickly, nodding as she does, then sets her laptop down. She sticks her hand in her bag and pulls out another machine which Tobin recognizes as a scanner and she sends the papers through it. </p>
<p>“Here you go,” Christen extends her hand to return the papers to Tobin. </p>
<p>Tobin nods, her lips firmly pressed together as she nods and places the papers back in the folder. She shoves it to the side, down in between the arm of the chair and the cushion. This is really happening, Tobin thinks, blinking rapidly, not wanting to burst into tears at the finality of this meeting. Mom is dying and I am going to take care of her. She hears Christen ask a question, but her words are muddled due the heavy thoughts in Tobin’s head. Her Mom’s clear, calm voice brings her right back to the conversation. </p>
<p>“I will make my own decisions about my health until I am unable,” Cindy states succinctly, “then Tobin will take over, just as I checked on the power of healthcare.” </p>
<p>Tobin licks her lips and bites her lower lip, her teeth nearly piercing the skin. That’s a whole lot of fucking responsibility, she thinks to herself. She swallows over the lump in her throat. </p>
<p>“So, each visit,” Christen begins, “I’ll do my nursing thing and then whatever else needs to be done. Laundry, meals, talking, whatever,” she says and turns to face Tobin. “Part of our service is to offer respite care,” she explains, “normally a CNA would come in for that, but we’re short staffed, so I’ll be doing it.” </p>
<p>Tobin crinkles her forehead, “Respite care?” </p>
<p>Christen give her a kind smile, “To give you some time to yourself and if there’s any other caregivers in the house,” she explains, “It’s just as important for you as it is for your Mom. Our goal is to help ease the stress of the whole family. We provide a holistic approach to our services.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods but doesn’t say anything. </p>
<p>“So, each visit will be about four hours to start,” Christen continues, “as additional care is needed, we will reassess and go from there.” </p>
<p>“Christen said we can choose mornings or afternoons, Tobin,” her Mom interjects, “which do you prefer?” </p>
<p>“Ah, Ma, whatever you want, is fine with me,” Tobin gives her a small smile and a shrug, “I can do whatever,” </p>
<p>Cindy considers for a moment, “Let’s do mornings then,” she says to Christen. </p>
<p>“Super,” Christen grins, tapping her keyboard to enter in something. “Now, we’ll start each visit with taking your vitals,” she explains, setting her laptop down and digging in to her bag, “It will be the usual stuff, blood pressure, heart rate, check your lungs, pulse oxygen levels, things like that.” </p>
<p>Tobin watches as Christen performs the tasks, her eyes taking in how the woman is so friendly and kind to her Mother. She really tries not to obsess over how Christen’s bronze skin compliments the dark green scrubs she’s wearing or how her face scrunches up, forming this little crease in her forehead as she concentrates while she listens to her Mom’s heartbeat. How the bronzed skin of her forearms is so smooth. </p>
<p>Tobin’s impressed with Christen’s friendly manner as she trades jokes back and forth with her Mom as completes her evaluation. The perfect balance of professionalism and caring. She glances over and gives Tobin a little smile as she sits back down and enters the information into her computer. </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a shy smile back, shifting in her chair, feeling as if Christen is trying to make her feel comfortable. But she is uncomfortable, she has this weight in her chest with the realization that her Mom is starting to fade a bit. She gets tired quicker, her stamina isn’t what it used to be. Just a month ago they would get up, have breakfast, either at the house or go to the diner in town, drive to one of the farms and visit with them for bit or go and hangout at the feedstore for a couple of hours, then grocery shop and come home for lunch. After lunch, Tobin would do a workout, either get a run in or lift in the basement gym and her Mom would walk on the treadmill. Her Mom doesn’t do her treadmill any longer, she takes a little nap after breakfast and they either go to a farm or the grocery, no longer doing both in a day. Her pain levels have increased a bit. They’ve reached the next progression of her illness. She knows her Mom isn’t interested in getting any more scans to see if the tumors are growing larger, she’s made it abundantly clear. Part of Tobin wants to know, maybe to see if it would give her an idea of much more time they have together. There’s another part of her that doesn’t.  She now understands why her Mom didn’t want to hear any sort of life expectancy from the doctors. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” her Mom says, “would you be a dear and run into town and see if you can get a coffee cake for tomorrow? The girls are coming over and I’d like to have one here. Maybe get some snacks and whatever you want for dinner too.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, lifting herself from the chair, “Uh, okay,” she says, “do we need anything else?” It’s a habit for her to ask, even though she’s the one preparing most meals now. Her Mom does help out, usually with prep and supervising the cooking so Tobin doesn’t burn it.  </p>
<p>“Make sure you get some of those gummy bears you like,” her Mom says, giving her a smile, “I know we’re almost out,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, alright,” Tobin drawls, feeling slightly grateful to leave yet having the pull of wanting to stay. “Do you need anything before I go?” </p>
<p>“I think I’m set, thanks,” her Mom replies. </p>
<p>“Christen, could I get you a drink?” Tobin asks politely. </p>
<p>“Oh, I’m fine,” she looks up and flashes her a smile, “thank you.” </p>
<p>“Uh, if I don’t see you when I get back, it was nice meeting you,” Tobin states, grateful she doesn’t stutter and make a fool of herself. </p>
<p>“You too,” Christen smiles again at her, “I’ll see you on Friday.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Sure thing,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And that’s how we manage everything,” Mr. Latham chuckles, “as long as we get good sun and enough rain, we’re in the clear.” </p>
<p>It's later that afternoon and Tobin and Cindy are sitting at a picnic bench under a shade tree with Hank Latham, the manager of the Heath farms. Tobin has been scribbling in her notebook, taking notes of everything he’s spoken about, wanting to have it clear in her head. </p>
<p>There really isn’t much to be done. He does the day to day work, discussing plant cycles and machine maintenance and repair with the farmers. Cindy’s roll is the property owner. She works with him to discuss payroll and profit sharing with the staff. The setup is professional and has been profitable for years. Cindy learned at her Father’s side, working the fields with him, learning the ropes and growing the business with him and continuing on with Hank. </p>
<p>On the drive back home, Cindy pats Tobin’s leg. Tobin glances over. </p>
<p>“You’ve seen my bank statements and my tax returns,” Cindy says, “I’m good with whatever you decide to do after I’m gone.” </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin starts, frowning as she glances over again. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” her Mom says kindly, “I want you kids to be happy. If you come to the decision to sell, do it. If you think you want to manage it, I’ll show you what to do,” she says, “you could do it from Portland. You don’t have to stay here. Just visit a couple of times a year.” </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin says, shaking her head, “I haven’t given it a thought of what I’m going to do,” </p>
<p>“I know,” she nods, “but the option is there.”</p>
<p>Tobin tightens her grip on the steering wheel, “Okay,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Over the next week and a half, Tobin sees Christen on a limited basis. Usually she’s either on her way out, greeting her shyly and awkwardly or gone when she arrives, having been sent on errands by her Mother. Christen always has a smile for her, asking her how she’s doing and patiently listening as Tobin fumbles through her vague answers. Tobin always wants to ask her in return, but she just can’t bring herself to doing it. She’s having a hard time adjusting to someone else being in the house to help with her Mom. She also stubbornly thinks she doesn’t need any help, she makes sure the laundry is done, the wood floors swept and dishes done. In her mind, Christen is here to provide medical care for her Mom and she can keep things running smoothly. It eases her mind that Christen will keep her Mom safe while she visits the grocery store or the hardware store. She’s fine on her own. </p>
<p>Perry, Katie and Jeffrey are flying in for Tobin’s birthday along with a few cousins at the end of the month. Alex, Allie, Kelley, Ashlyn and Ali are coming as well. She’s looking forward to seeing her friends. She hasn’t been talking to them as much, finding it hard to even text sometimes. She doesn’t understand why, although she just feels tired all the time. Doing tasks around the house seem to take longer, she’s only getting to do her usual run three times a week instead of every day. She still exercises almost every day, needing to feel the sweat and burn of a good workout. </p>
<p>She’s more compelled to sit and hang out with her Mom, watching movies, playing cards or taking her out around town. They’ve gone to dinner, visited with her friends, taken short shopping trips so as to not tire her Mom out. They visit the farmers market every week and Tobin is trying to perfect her Mom’s recipes. They’ve been working in the yard, completing the firepit project and filling the planters they’ve made with flowers. </p>
<p>It’s halfway through that second week when Tobin realizes that her Mom is sending her out intentionally. She doesn’t know why, she thinks maybe her Mom thinks it upsets her that someone is coming in or maybe she just wants me to get out of the house and do my own thing. Maybe she’s embarrassed that help is now in the house. She doesn’t know. </p>
<p>Today, her Mom’s friends are coming over around noon for lunch and to play cards. Tobin has the house clean and the kitchen ready, the ladies usually bring in food every time they come over. She’s just finished putting away the groceries she had brought in and now has plates and silverware, glasses and napkins on a tray, ready to go outside for her Mom and friends to eat on the back deck since it’s such a nice day. She figures she’ll just make a plate and eat in the house, maybe watch some TV or read. Christen is here and is sitting at the kitchen table with her computer, tapping away on the keyboard. Tobin greets her as she works and she responds and they go back to working in silence. It’s a comfortable silence, not awkward, although feels compelled to say something. </p>
<p>“Hey, Chris,” she says, unintentionally shortening her name, “would you like something to drink?” </p>
<p>“I’m good right now,” she replies, “but thank you for asking.” </p>
<p>“No worries,” Tobin says easily, “you can help yourself anytime to anything, you know?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Thank you.” </p>
<p>Miss Sally, Aunt Meg and the rest of the women come bustling in with loud cheery greetings, talking over one another about the drive over and noticing the firepit and the flowers in the yard. It makes Tobin smile at how wonderful these women are. She accepts hugs from them, chuckling when she’s given to two bottles of wine to open and bring outside. She hears them greet Christen fondly, as if she’s a family member, asking her how she is.</p>
<p>Tobin standing at the kitchen counter, opening the wine when she feels a presence next to her. It’s Christen. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin greets, working on the bottle, relieved that she hasn’t let it slip out of her hands.  </p>
<p>“Your Mom is really sweet, Tobin,” Christen says quietly. </p>
<p>Tobin smiles brightly, “Yeah, she is,” she agrees. Tobin’s phone rings right then and reaches to look and frowns. “Hey, sorry, I gotta take this,” she says with a dramatic sigh.  </p>
<p>“No problem,” Christen says easily, watching as Tobin scowls before answering with a sullen greeting and she turns to walks into the living room. Christen returns to her laptop at the kitchen table and continues to chart her visit with Cindy today. Unfortunately, she can clearly hear Tobin on the phone. </p>
<p>“What do you want?” she asks and there’s a pause. “That’s because I changed the lock.” She states, her voice trying to remain neutral, yet Christen can hear the hostility.  “Because<br/>
you don’t live there and we’re not a couple anymore. I was clear about that.” </p>
<p>It’s obvious that Tobin’s former girlfriend is on the phone and talking before Tobin speaks. “I shipped everything that was yours back to you in December. Nothing is there that’s yours.” </p>
<p>There’s another pause. “No, you can’t go look around.” </p>
<p>“No, I never want to see you again.” She hears Tobin’s hostile voice. It makes her raise her eyebrows at her anger. </p>
<p>“I’ve instructed the manager to call the Police if you ever come to the building again. You will be arrested for trespassing.” </p>
<p>Christen can just hear the voice through the phone, a pleading tone to it, yet she can’t make out the words. She feels guilty listening in. She stands from the table, picking up her laptop and moving to butler’s pantry, leaning against the counter and entering the necessary information. </p>
<p>When Tobin returns, she pokes her head in the pantry and she looks pissed. “Sorry,” she says with a sigh, “my, uh, ex was at my building complaining she couldn’t get in my condo.” </p>
<p>Christen winces, “Sorry,” </p>
<p>Tobin runs a hand through her hair, “Yeah,” she says, “I’m glad I changed the lock,” she says with a wry smile, “I didn’t want to think she’d be like that,” she says, “coming by when I wasn’t there after we broke up.” </p>
<p>“You were smart,” Christen offers with a little shrug. Christen is screaming internally with this newly discovered information that Tobin is definitely into chicks. She’s heard the rumors over the years but never put much stock into them. She feels bad that Tobin’s having a difficult time with her ex though.  </p>
<p>“Yeah, well, I don’t like to think about the bad in people,” she says glumly, “only the good.” She lets out a breath, shaking her head as she resets herself, “So, where were we? You were talking about my Mom,” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “She’s really wonderful, Tobin,” she says, “I was wondering if you had a chance to look at wheelchairs? The one we can get through our vendor isn’t as comfortable,” </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah,” Tobin nods, “I called the doctor’s office and I spoke to the nurse about getting an order for a wheelchair. She said no sweat and would email me it when she had a chance to get the doctor to sign off on it.” </p>
<p>“Perfect,” Christen nods, “that way you can go anywhere to get a better one,” she explains, “I want Cindy comfortable,” </p>
<p>“Will you help me pick?” Tobin asks, “I don’t know anything about them,” she confesses. </p>
<p>“Sure,” she agrees, “we can look online. I know there’s at least three vendors in town,” </p>
<p>“Perfect,” Tobin grins at her, then it slowly fades, “she’s gonna need it soon, huh?” </p>
<p>Christen just nods, unable to look at her. “With what you’ve told me about her stamina getting lower, it’s a good idea to have it here and not need it, rather than having to go out and get one fast.” </p>
<p>“Okay then,” Tobin says, her voice low and gravelly. She takes a deep breath and slowly releases it.  “Okay.” </p>
<p>Christen glances up and sees Tobin nodding to herself, as if she’s preparing herself. </p>
<p>“We’ll make it work,” she says, hoping to sound reassuring, “it’s just to help her conserve her energy. We’ll figure out a ramp to get out of the house, alright?” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin agrees, “just the next step,” she says more to herself than to Christen, “we’ve got time.”  </p>
<p>Sally places a small plate of appetizers on the pantry counter, “These are for you two,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows at the two before disappearing into the kitchen taking the two bottles of wine and disappearing to the sunroom and out to the back deck.  </p>
<p>“Oh, these are my favorites,” Tobin says, her mood shifting, lifting the plate, “want one?” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “I already had one,” she says, but she does reach for the plate, “I helped your Mom make these while you were out,” </p>
<p>Tobin’s eyes go wide, “Really?” she asks, “Was that okay? I mean, you’re a nurse, she shouldn’t be asking you that, I’m so sorry,” she apologizes. </p>
<p>Christen reaches out and lays her hand on Tobin’s forearm, “It’s okay,” she assures her, “it’s what I’m here for. Honest, it’s fine. If Cindy wanted to go out and you weren’t here, I’d have no problem going shopping or whatever. It’s my job,” she says, looking at her earnestly. </p>
<p>“If you’re sure,” Tobin says, not feeling convinced. </p>
<p>“I’m positive,” Christen nods, “circumstances aside, it’s been great to get to know her,” she says rather shyly. She pops the tortilla wrap in her mouth and makes a little hum as she chews. Tobin can’t stop looking at her. </p>
<p>“Here you are ladies,” Sally announces from the kitchen, setting two plates on the table and making Tobin flinch, “enjoy your lunch,” she says in sing song voice as she leaves the kitchen. </p>
<p>The two exit the pantry to look at the plates with blank stares as they hear the back screen door bounce shut. They have the house to themselves. </p>
<p>Tobin clears her throat, her nerves coming back in full force, “You, uh, would you like to eat before you go?” </p>
<p>Christen glances at her watch, noting that it’s noon and she arrived here at nine and is scheduled to be here for another hour. She also would like to make sure Tobin is okay, between the phone call with her ex and the wheelchair, she wants to spend more time with her. “I’d like that,” she smiles, “that salad looks amazing,” </p>
<p>“Um, can I get you something to drink?” Tobin asks, backing away from the table. </p>
<p>“Water is fine,” Christen replies, surveying the table, noticing the place settings, “it’s like they planned this,” she murmurs under her breath.</p>
<p>Tobin hears her and believes it as well. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t want to make this any more uncomfortable than it is. She just sets the two glasses of water on the table while Christen sits down. She takes her seat and pulls the napkin out to spread it across her lap. The cloth napkin. She shakes her head. She reaches for another tortilla roll, humming as she eats it. </p>
<p>“She has to give me her recipe on this one,” she says after she swallows, “I still can’t figure out what she does with the creamy part,” </p>
<p>Christen giggles, “I know,” she smiles, “however, I’m under strict orders not to tell anyone.” </p>
<p>“That’s not fair,” Tobin complains good naturedly, chuckling as she shakes her head. She takes a deep breath and lets the air out, “So, tell me about yourself,” she bobs her head, “how did you come to doing this?” </p>
<p>She smiles at how Tobin words her question. “Well,” Christen starts, “I graduated from nursing school and worked in Chicago at Northwestern’s trauma center for four years. I felt burned out from doing that,” she frowns, “it was the adrenalin rush and after a while it just somehow became routine?” She shrugs, “I felt like I wasn’t giving my patients the best of me. Gunshot wounds and car accidents were a daily occurrence and somehow they just weren’t devastating anymore, you know? I was giving them the best medical care, but it wasn’t fulfilling me any longer.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods as she eats, “Where’d you go then?” </p>
<p>Christen laughs, “Oh!” she sets her fork down to spread her hands, “I went to a clinic on the southside of the city,” she shakes her head, “it was a disaster. The doctors were drug addicts, doing coke in their offices, other nurses were on the take to convince the doctors to write prescriptions for pain meds and when I left, one of the nurses announced she was pregnant by one of the doctors!” </p>
<p>“No way!” Tobin says incredulously, “Really? It sounds like a soap opera,” Tobin is enjoying how Christen speaks with her hands, waving them as she talks. </p>
<p>“Right?” Christen nods, her eyes sparkling as she continues, “I left after three weeks,” she says, using her hands again as she speaks, “but not until I had anonymously informed a few city agencies and medical boards.” </p>
<p>“Wow,” Tobin lets out a low whistle. “Then what happened?” </p>
<p>“I came home,” Christen states, “to here,” she shrugs, the sparkle fading from her eyes, “my Mom suffered a brain aneurysm, which she survived, but then she had a stroke,” </p>
<p>Tobin looks stricken, “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. </p>
<p>Christen shrugs as she looks down, “I was happy I could come home and take care of her,” she says quietly, “that was how I found myself doing this,” </p>
<p>“Yeah?” Tobin questions, looking intently at her. </p>
<p>Christen nods, “I saw how the hospice program worked from the perspective as a family member and it blew me away,” she explains, “It became something I wanted to do for others,” she says, shrugging her shoulders, “my little way to give back I guess.” </p>
<p>Tobin looks at her for a moment, “That’s really admirable, Chris,” she says softly, “I guess we have something in common,” she gives her a sad smile, “taking care of a parent.” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a shy smile, loving how her name rolls off Tobin’s tongue, yet seeing the emotion in Tobin’s eyes and her voice. “Tell me about you,” she suggests, lifting her fork to take a bite of her salad. </p>
<p>Tobin grabs one more of the tortilla rolls, popping it into her mouth and chewing quickly. She uses her napkin to wipe her mouth and then nods. “I grew up playing soccer,” she says, “went to UNC and played there. Got lucky enough to play for the National Team and played professionally in Portland. I retired this past November and Mom was diagnosed a couple of weeks after. It just seemed right to come home and be here for her.” </p>
<p>“You always were amazing against Chicago,” Christen gives her a fond smile, shaking her head, “you made our defenders look silly.”</p>
<p>Tobin’s eyebrows shoot up with surprise on her face, “You watched me play?” </p>
<p>“Yes!” Christen laughs, “Tobin, you’re kind of a sports celebrity, you know,” she smiles at her, “Olympic Gold Medalist, World Cup winner, Player of the Year a few times, Shield and League winner, MVP. People know your name.”  </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Well, I never assume anyone knows what I did,” she offers, leaning back in her seat. It still surprises her when she meets someone and they know what she’s done. She likes how Christen hasn’t mentioned it to her until now, as if she was waiting for the proper time to bring it up. She likes that she doesn’t make a huge deal about it either.   </p>
<p>“You’re pretty humble,” Christen says shyly, glancing down and then looking back up at her.</p>
<p>“Ah,” Tobin says, poking at her salad, “I’ve been given so many amazing opportunities, I’ve never tried to take any of it for granted. I know I’ve been extremely lucky,” </p>
<p>“Nice,” Christen nods, “although I’ll argue there’s also those little things called talent, determination, a strong drive, and many hours of hard work. Don’t sell yourself short,” she smiles. </p>
<p>Tobin smiles at her, “Thanks,” she replies shyly, she’s never felt comfortable with compliments. </p>
<p>“But I still hated how you made my team look silly all the time,” Christen grins, pointing a finger at her and Tobin chuckles. </p>
<p>“Sorry?” Tobin raises her hands up, palms up in surrender. </p>
<p>Christen smiles and laughs. </p>
<p>“How is it we didn’t know each other as kids?” Tobin questions, looking at her inquisitively, “it’s kinda a small town,” </p>
<p>“My family moved here from California right after I graduated high school,” she explains, “my Dad took a job in finance in Chicago and didn’t mind the commute.” </p>
<p>Tobin tilts her head, “That’s like an hour drive,” she murmurs. </p>
<p>“He used to drive two hours in LA,” Christen informs her. </p>
<p>Tobin grimaces, “LA traffic is the worst,” she shakes her head, seeing Christen agreeing with her. </p>
<p>“Can I ask you something?” Christen asks, leaning forward and setting an elbow on the table. </p>
<p>“Of course,” Tobin says, leaning in and mimicking her. </p>
<p>“I’ve always wondered this,” Christen says slowly, a sly grin crossing her face, “did you ever hear the chants from the opposition?” </p>
<p>Tobin barks out a laugh, throwing her head back, not expecting that question at all. Then she giggles a little, “Ah, no,” she replies, shaking her head, “I’ve never heard anything when we were playing away,” she explains, “I’ve always been able to drown that stuff out, except a few times.” </p>
<p>Christen giggles and wipes her forehead, “Whew,” she smiles, “good.” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “I wouldn’t hold it against you,” she says seriously, “what happens on the pitch, stays on the pitch. It’s all good.” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “Good,” </p>
<p>They both finish their meal and sit for a moment. “So, were you in the supporters’ group, then?” Tobin asks. </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Yeah,” she replies, “still am.” </p>
<p>Tobin perks up, “Yeah?” She smiles as Christen nods. </p>
<p>Tobin nods along with her, clearing her throat and then taking a deep breath, “I don’t know if this would be, like, a violation of your work rules or anything,” she says nervously, her hand scratching at the back of her neck, “but, uh, I was wondering, if, maybe,” she shakes her head, losing her nerve, “nevermind.” </p>
<p>“What?” Christen asks, intrigued and honestly just finding Tobin being so awkward absolutely adorable, “What is it?” she asks, “You can ask, I promise it’s fine,” </p>
<p>Tobin takes another deep breath, feeling like an idiot, “Uh, maybe we could go to a match?” Tobin asks. </p>
<p>Christen’s eyes flies open, “Really?” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Yeah,” she says, “it’d be fun to see it from the other side.” </p>
<p>Christen considers it for a moment, “Okay,” she says quickly, “absolutely,” </p>
<p>Tobin smiles widely at her, “Yeah? That would be awesome,” </p>
<p>“Do you think you’d want the whole tailgate and sit with the supporters or just go and sit somewhere else?” Christen asks, thinking of the game day scenarios, “I wouldn’t want you to get swarmed for autographs and feel uncomfortable or anything,” </p>
<p>Tobin considers it, “How about we figure out what match to attend,” she suggests, “and we’ll tailgate and stuff but I’ll get tickets for seats and if it gets weird with the big crowd, we could go to those seats?” </p>
<p>Christen nods and smiles, “Okay,” she agrees, “I know once everyone gets over their shock you’re there, it’ll be fine,” she states, “I’m more worried about the regular fans, they can be pushy.” She pulls her phone from her pocket and opens up an app and is looking at it.</p>
<p>“Well, I’d like to tailgate, maybe have a few drinks and hang out,” Tobin emphases, “it’d be cool to experience that. We’ll just play the rest by ear.” </p>
<p>Christen still is looking at her phone, “Chicago is away this week and next,” she states, “but they’re home the following week,” she smiles widely at Tobin, “Portland is coming to town.” </p>
<p>Tobin’s eyebrows raise as she scrunches her mouth and nods, “That would be cool,” she says approvingly, “my first match to watch, want to go to that one?” </p>
<p>“Do you?” Christen asks, tilting her head to look at her, “Are you sure it wouldn’t upset you, since you’re not playing anymore?” </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a closed mouth smile, “You’re really sweet,” she says genuinely, “it would be fine,” she assures her, “I’ve come to terms about not playing and it won’t bother me to go and watch, I promise.” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Christen says, doing this one shoulder shrug, “I just wasn’t sure,” </p>
<p>“And it’s really thoughtful of you to think of how I’d feel,” Tobin says, “seriously, thank you. That’s super kind of you.” </p>
<p>They hear laughter drift in through the open windows and Tobin leans over to the side in her seat to look through the sunroom to the deck and see the women standing and collecting dishes, “You know, if you want to avoid an awkward moment,” she advises, “maybe you should skedaddle before the inquisition arrives, I won’t mind,” </p>
<p>Christen turns and looks over her shoulder, “Maybe I should,” she agrees, standing up and looks down at the dirty dishes on the table, “I’d offer to help but…” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, standing up as well and carrying her plate to the sink, “I’ll take the heat on this one,” she grins at her, “Oh, I was wondering,” she says as she leans against the kitchen counter, feeling so much more comfortable with Christen. “Would you be interested in hanging out next Saturday? Like in a non-official capacity?” </p>
<p>Christen grins, “What were you thinking?” she asks, stepping closer to her. Oh, she smells so nice, Tobin thinks. </p>
<p>“Uh, it’s my birthday,” Tobin explains shyly, “and my family and friends will be here and I thought it would be cool to hang with you outside of this,” she gestures with her hand, “scenario.” </p>
<p>“Off the clock, huh?” Christen continues to grin at her, “I’ll think about it,” she says, leaning close and intentionally brushing herself up against Tobin, “Why don’t you text me later and tell me all about it?” </p>
<p>Tobin swallows and nods, “Will do,” </p>
<p>They hear the back door being held open, Tobin places her arm on Christen’s bicep, “You should head out,” </p>
<p>Christen nods swiftly and, wanting to avoid the looks and possible questions from Cindy and the ladies, she quickly enters the butler’s pantry, sliding her laptop in her bag and pulling it to her shoulder. Tobin walks with her to the front door, surprised by the quick hug Christen gives her. </p>
<p>“Have a good rest of the day,” Christen murmurs, giving Tobin’s a hand a squeeze and then she is gone. </p>
<p>Both wonder what just happened between them. </p>
<p>That was flirting, Tobin realizes, we were definitely flirting. Oh man, what is going on? </p>
<p>So much for distancing myself from her, Tobin thinks as she slowly walks back to the kitchen to face six smiling faces looking at her expectantly. She rolls her eyes knowing it’s going to be a long afternoon with the wine buzzed ladies. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin and her Mom are hanging out in the large yard two days later in the sunny Sunday afternoon. They had gone to church and out to breakfast in the morning, meeting up with Miss Sally and Aunt Meg. They enjoyed their company and returned home to change into shorts and t-shirts, her Mom wanting to take a nap outside and Tobin doing a few things around the yard in preparation for the upcoming party on Saturday. </p>
<p>She had strung up some of the Christmas lights she’d dug out from the bins in the attic, testing the lines and then stringing them on the branches of the large tree in the yard and inside the garage. Her Mom had helped her untangle the lights, the two conversing about past Christmases and laughing at how Tobin’s Dad would assign one of the kids as his helper each year. It had been a dreaded task only because each year the children would be fearful of their Dad falling off the rickety ladder he insisted on using. The very ladder Tobin used earlier to string the lights up now. </p>
<p>Her Mom had made a pitcher of lemonade and Tobin had brought it out with glasses, the two sipping their drinks in the shade. Her Mom had just set her iPad down, letting out a deep sigh and closing her eyes. Tobin was scrolling through her phone, reading articles about the Thorns and Chicago’s season to date so she wouldn’t look like an idiot in two weeks. </p>
<p>She hasn’t been watching very many matches of the NWSL although she still watches her beloved Arsenal and she checks in with Lindsay Horan every couple of weeks, but she is content to keep the league at arms’ length. Now, however, with Christen obviously invested in the league, she’s paying more attention. </p>
<p>Feeling restless after reading, Tobin decides to wander to the three car garage. It’s a two story structure, looking more like a barn than a typical garage. The main big door was open from when she came out earlier and she stepped into the cool space, letting her eyes adjust to the dimness. She was thinking of maybe setting up an area she could paint, something out of the house and she could work there when she felt like it. </p>
<p>Amazon had delivered the monitor system she had ordered and she would set it up later today. It was a wireless camera system, letting Tobin plant up to four cameras around the house to keep track of her Mom. Tobin figured she could use her Mom’s old PC and set it up out here if it had a wireless connection. If it didn’t, she’d set up her laptop in her room so she could check on her at night and use her iPad to monitor her from the garage. Presently, they were texting each other if her Mom wanted her for something. She knows there will come a time when that will end. </p>
<p>She begins to clear off one of the work benches near the side window, liking some natural light coming in. She figures she’ll get rid of the fluorescent bulbs in the overhead lights and replace them with the natural ones and reduce the glare they give. The garage feels like it was left the same as when she was in high school. The table is cluttered with baby food jars that were filled with nails, screws, nuts and bolts. Tobin trots to the her chair outside, seeing her Mom napping in her own chair. She grabs her iPad and returns to the garage, googling how to arrange a work area in a garage. </p>
<p>Her siblings are arriving tonight, Perry and Katie coordinating their flights and sharing a rental and Jeffrey is landing with his girlfriend about an hour later. They’ll all be here in time for dinner and in a little while she and her Mom will go in to prepare the lasagna Mom wants to make tonight. </p>
<p>It’ll be awesome to see them, to actually hang out and not just talk on the phone or Facetime. She knows their lives are very different from hers, it’s always been that way. Perry has already told her that she would take care of Mom during the party and encouraged her to let loose a little. She digs her pipe and lighter out of her shorts pocket and lights up and take a hit, breathing in deeply and exhaling. </p>
<p>Tobin’s used marijuana medicinally for years, usually edibles since she didn’t want to ruin her lungs. She doesn’t mind smoking every once in a while, she prefers to get high over getting drunk or taking a Xanax or something. US Soccer and the NWSL were on board with it for therapeutic purposes. She smiles to herself, thinking how everyone called her so chill and she was pretty stoned much of the time. Oh, if the public only knew the truth. She wonders what Christen thinks about getting high. She’s a nurse, so she’s unsure what her opinion would be. Her and Christen have been texting since their lunch together on Friday, just casual stuff. Tobin thinks she’d want to talk to her and see her reaction when she tells her about using pot. </p>
<p>She’s convinced her Mom to try edibles along with the CBD and she’s raves about it now. It really helps with her pain in combination with her medication. Last week, her Mom and the ladies got high during lunch and Tobin ended up driving them home later in the evening. It was hysterical. They giggled around the kitchen table for two hours, laughing and telling stories and then attacked the kitchen, the women creating a mass of food to eat. To date, it’s one of Tobin’s best memories, not because of how silly they were, but how incredibly loving they were. They were so honest and open about how much they cherished their friendship. It was pretty beautiful to witness. Being excellent cooks also helped and Tobin devoured so much of the food they made. </p>
<p>They’ve done it again a few more times with a lower dose and they raved about how good they felt. How their aches and pains just melted away and they didn’t feel like were high. Tobin explained the differences in the strains and how they reacted with the body and they thought it was marvelous. It was eye opening to Tobin about how non-judgemental they were about marijuana and how much they had researched it on their own. They even laughed about how some of their children frowned upon them getting high, thinking it wasn’t something a parent should be doing. </p>
<p>It actually helped her Mom with some of the deep bone pain she was feeling every once in a while. Especially on rainy days, she would get so sore and her joints would ache so bad it would make her cry. Tobin’s glad that this helps take the edge off of the pain. Christen is aware of it, she supports Cindy doing it, especially since it’s legal in the state. </p>
<p>It took her a few minutes to find the screw gun and then she poked around the jars to find screws. She found a toolbox and located the drill bits, eyeballing one that would be large enough for the screw and wouldn’t loosen over time. She uncapped every bottle and drilled a hole through the center of them. Then she set the lids on the wood, making sure there was enough room in between each of them. She notices that most of the jars are a mix of items, probably just tossed in there over the years. She decides that sorting them would be a great rainy day project. She attacks the table now, tossing old shopping lists, finding the hard boxes for the tools left there and rolling up the extension cords.  </p>
<p>Once Tobin has cleared the table, making sure the items were neatly placed back in their proper spots, she figures they could pull the table out to make a bar for the party. She looks at the table carefully and realizes if she went to Home Depot, she could get some heavy duty wheels to make moving it easier. She finds an old notebook and a pencil and scribbles down wheels and also a few large buckets for the kegs and other drinks to put on ice. </p>
<p>“Well would you look at that?” Her Mom comments and gives a low whistle. </p>
<p>“What’s up, Mom?” Tobin greets, turning from the table to look at her. </p>
<p>“That looks pretty nice,” Her Mom smiles, “I didn’t know you were this organized,” she jokes. </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “Neither did I,” she remarks, “I checked out some videos and got some ideas,” she says, looking over the shelf. </p>
<p>“That’s so functional,” her Mom says, coming in closer, “you thinking of going through the whole place?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Tobin nods, “if you want,” she offers, “I could set you up at a table and you could sort stuff,” </p>
<p>“Sounds good,” her Mom smiles, “it’s always easier doing something like this with someone.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, let’s do it,” Tobin enthuses, “we could get this looking pretty rad,” </p>
<p>The two stand side by side, looking around the space. “If you were able to get some wood on those rafters up there,” her Mom points to the area above them, “we would have a load of additional storage.” </p>
<p>“Oh!” Tobin nods vigorously, “I saw a video where they attached one of the folding ladders like for the attic and it was pretty sweet,” </p>
<p>“I haven’t gone through this in years,” Cindy muses as she looks around, then she elbows Tobin, “sure you’re up for it?” </p>
<p>“I am if you are,” Tobin grins, “we’ll go at your speed,” she shrugs, “take our time,” </p>
<p>“Sounds good,” she agrees, “were you going to set yourself up somewhere to paint?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah, I was thinking over by the big windows,” she points. </p>
<p>“Nice natural light,” she murmurs, “it’ll be a nice space for you, sweetie,” she smiles, “I love that you’re painting again.” </p>
<p>“It’s fun,” Tobin says with a happy sigh, “it’s relaxing too.” </p>
<p>They stand for another minute, then her Mom turns to her, “I was thinking we should head in and get that lasagna together,” she replies and Tobin watches closely as she leans against her cane. “I think we have time to make a pie,” </p>
<p>“Ooh, pie!” Tobin grins, walking in step with her, “What kind?” </p>
<p>“Dutch Apple,” </p>
<p>“Oh man,” Tobin groans, “I’m going to be so stuffed tonight,” she rubs her belly.  </p>
<p>Her Mom chuckles, “Be thankful your metabolism hasn’t changed yet,” </p>
<p>Tobin laughs with her, “I am,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin grins shyly as she opens the front door, “how’s it going?” </p>
<p>“I’m good,” Christen replies, brushing past, “how are you doing?” It’s Tuesday morning, Christen’s usual day to come out to the house. She’s wearing a white blouse and tan capris with leather sandals. After her first visit, she dressed casually, taking Tobin to the side explaining that it’s important to remove the medical aspect during long time care. Tobin likes how Christen looks in street clothes, although she still feels she’s super hot in scrubs. After the official intake evaluation, Christen had worked up a care plan and printed it out, reviewing it Cindy and Tobin for their approval. There was quite a bit of leeway in allowing the use of pain medication.  </p>
<p>“Pretty decent,” she smiles at her, “my sisters and my bro are here,” she continues, “he brought his girlfriend too, want to go meet them?” Tobin is still nervous around the woman, but she’s doing fairly well at stringing together coherent sentences now. </p>
<p>“Sure,” Christen agrees, thinking that Tobin looks a little more tired than usual. She follows Tobin through the house to the sunroom. She can’t help but notice Tobin’s slim hips and her firm backside as she walks barefoot through the house. Tobin is wearing a white Nike t-shirt and navy mesh shorts and makes it look attractive. Her hair in a simple ponytail.  She’s getting distracted by Tobin’s calves when they enter the kitchen and she forces herself to look away. Christen is finding it difficult to maintain her professionalism around Tobin. She so badly wants to get to know her. She’s so nice and she’s so patient with her Mom and Christen can tell how much it’s breaking her heart to be here doing this but how determined Tobin is to make this as memorable for her Mom as possible while they still have time. She knows exactly how Tobin is feeling and she wants to be able to support her through this difficult time. Ever since the phone call with her ex and the impromptu lunch they have been talking more. She likes Tobin. She’s not what she expected when she thought of meeting a professional athlete. She’s humble, down to Earth, she tends to be more of a listener than a talker, unless she’s talking about something she’s passionate about. She wants to be able to talk to her seriously, to learn what she thinks about things. She wants Tobin to be comfortable talking to her. More than she would any other family member of the two other patients she’s currently caring for, she wants to know her. </p>
<p>Christen feels like she’s walking a dangerous line professionally. Tobin did invite her to her birthday party, she reasons, and the soccer game. So, there’s some level of interest, at least in being friends. Although, she counters, Tobin did leave her life in Portland and came back here where she most likely doesn’t have any or many friends. Maybe she only really wants to be friends. She’s shaken from her thoughts with one last good look at Tobin’s ass right before they enter the sunroom.  </p>
<p>Greetings are exchanged and Christen patiently answers Katie’s rapid fire questions about her schooling and her position here. Tobin looks frustrated and embarrassed by her sister, but Christen gives her a small smile, hoping to assure her it doesn’t bother her at all. She knows family that live away from the patient have anxiety about the quality of care when they can’t be there. It’s a common occurrence. </p>
<p>Tobin relaxes after Katie seems satisfied, Christen noticing how her jaw has stopped clenching and her left hand is no longer balled in a fist. She senses there’s an under current of something more between the two. Most likely about the care of Cindy, she guesses. Tobin speaks about her siblings very fondly so for her to tense up like this, she figures it’s a care related thing. She’s seen that before many times as well. </p>
<p>Tobin busies herself figuring out what to make for lunch, Jeffrey’s girlfriend Shaina joining her. Shaina is super cool and Tobin likes her a lot. She treats Jeffrey great and doesn’t put up with his bullshit. They’ve been dating for years and Jeffrey had nervously asked Tobin if she would mind if he proposed to her while they were here this weekend. Tobin was overjoyed at the thought especially when he followed up with asking if she thought it would be cool if they got married at the house in August or September. He and Shaina had talked about marriage, both wanting something very casual and with Cindy’s illness, Shaina suggested doing it soon at his childhood home. They both wanted Cindy to see them get married. Tobin couldn’t wait for their plans to unfold. </p>
<p>It doesn’t take long for Christen to both impress and set her all of Tobin’s siblings at ease, she patiently answers questions as she performs her well being check, chatting with them and joking with Cindy at the same time. Tobin watches for a few minutes, feeling her chest fill with a deep satisfaction that only confirms what a wonderful person Christen is. She ducks out the room and into the butler’s pantry, putting the laundry away. She had transferred the bedding from the master suite into here, her Mom helping her relocate items from the lower cabinets to other places throughout the house. </p>
<p>While they were doing that, Cindy would ask Tobin if she wanted certain bowls or platters and they soon began to set aside items to donate that neither thought anyone would want. Tobin suggested they wait and let everyone go through them while they were here so as not to get rid of anything they might unknowingly want. Her Mom thought that was an excellent idea. Cleaning out the lower cabinets led to Tobin bringing down boxes from the attic that held items from their childhood. There were two or three for each. The plan was they would go through them later today sometime. Tobin was looking forward to going down memory lane with everyone. </p>
<p>Lunch was served early due to Katie, Jeffrey and Shaina coming from the east coast and not being used to the time change. Tobin persuaded Christen to eat with them, whispering they shouldn’t break tradition just because her siblings were here. They both blushed and smiled shyly and Tobin straightened in her chair when Christen sat down next to her.<br/>
If anyone noticed how shy they were to each other, nobody mentioned it. Tobin was solicitous, offering her the salt and pepper, jumping up to return with a glass of water which she teasingly referred to as a glass of ice with some water because Christen filled her glass with ice to the top before adding water. She passes the salad bowl over to her before serving herself. Without realizing it, Tobin basically is doting on her throughout the meal, making sure Christen has whatever she wants. She doesn’t see the smirks passing between her siblings and has no idea anything is up until Perry begins talking to Christen. </p>
<p>“Did you know Tobin thought she was Batman for almost a year?” Perry asks with amusement in her eyes. </p>
<p>Christen bites her lower lip as she smiles and Tobin chokes on her water. Christen pats her back gently, looking concerned. “Are you okay, caped crusader?” she asks cheekily, grinning ear to ear as Tobin wipes her chin with her napkin and tries to get her breathing under control. </p>
<p>Tobin glares at Perry, “Really?” Christen giggles next to her, making Tobin turn sharply, “Oh, no,” she says, wiggling her index finger at her, “you don’t get to hear this stuff.” </p>
<p>Christen struggles to stop giggling and grinning and nods, trying to look serious, “Okay,” she says, her eyes sparkling with amusement and Tobin thinks she can just stare them for hours. </p>
<p>“Perry,” Cindy chides her, “let’s not embarrass Tobin,” she says, giving her an unconvincing look of disapproval. “Christen, are you going to be able to stop by for Tobin’s party?” </p>
<p>“I am,” she replies, deciding in that moment that she would come, glancing over to give Tobin a grin and turning to face Perry, “I’ll be sure to let you finish that story then.”<br/>
Tobin rolls her eyes and eats her salad.  </p>
<p> “I’ve got a few for you, too,” Jeffrey chuckles, looking over to at Tobin, “should I tell her about the garage window incident?” </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “No,” she retorts, “should I tell Shaina about the Jeffy incident?” She asks, sending him a questioning glare. </p>
<p>“Oh, hell, no!” Jeffrey shakes his head, his eyes wide and looking horrified. He turns to Shaina, “You do not ask her about that,” </p>
<p>“The Jeffy incident?” Katie looks between Tobin and Jeffrey. Tobin arches an eyebrow at her brother, shooting him a challenging look. </p>
<p>“Nothing,” he says quickly, “it’s nothing.” He looks over at Christen, “So, Christen, you have any pets?” he asks, desperately trying to change the subject. </p>
<p>Christen chuckles and nods, thoroughly enjoying this, “I do,” she replies, “two dogs,” </p>
<p>“They’re so cute,” Tobin murmurs, thinking of the photos Christen had texted her.</p>
<p>The others choose to ignore her comment and conversation moves to Tobin’s party. Tobin had researched and found a couple of food trucks that had great reviews and they would come by for a few hours. She wasn’t sure who all was coming, her Mom had been cagey about the guest list. She had only told her they should be prepared for around a hundred people. The house had four bathrooms, one on the main floor, one in the basement and two on the second floor. They should be able to handle the crowd if they all showed up. </p>
<p>When Christen announces she has to leave for her next appointment, Tobin rises and walks with her to the door. </p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re coming to my party,” Tobin smiles at her, “it’s just a get together, super casual, so no gifts, alright?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “I’m looking forward to it,” Christen replies sweetly, giving her a sly smile, “hearing little Tobin stories might be the best part of it,” </p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes, “You can’t believe anything they say,” she says good naturedly, “it’ll be all lies.” </p>
<p>“Right,” she draws out the word.</p>
<p>“Hey, I was wondering,” Tobin bobs her head, “would it be cool if we went out to dinner with a few of my friends after the match next week?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Christen agrees, “my neighbor said she’d let the dogs out, so it would be fine.” </p>
<p>“When am I going to meet the puppies?” Tobin asks as she opens the door. </p>
<p>“We’ll figure something out,” Christen promises, impulsively leaning in and giving Tobin a soft kiss on the cheek, “I’ll see you Friday,” she smiles at her. </p>
<p>Tobin grins back at her, her eyes bright, “See ya,” her hand touches her cheek where Christen kissed her as she watches her walk from her view. She takes a deep breath and lets out a happy sigh. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for the kudos and the touching comments. It touches my heart.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>End of May</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, Kelley,” Alex grimaces at her, “I don’t know how you can still do that.” She’s watching with a look of disgust and amazement on her face as Kelley O’Hara shotguns a Bud Lite. Kelley takes her last gulps, then takes a deep breath and crumples the can in her hands. She looks around and sees a recycle can about five yards away and drop kicks the can to it. It goes in and she cheers. </p>
<p>“You were saying?” Kelley smirks at her, taking a fresh beer from Emily Sonnet’s hand. “Some of us aren’t pussies,” she grins, trying to egg Alex on. Alex is having none of that. </p>
<p>“Some of us are concerned about our livers and kidneys,” Alex dryly states, gracefully sipping her glass of wine with an intentionally raised her pinky finger. </p>
<p>“Some of us are” Kelley stops, cocking her head and craning her neck to look down the driveway. </p>
<p>“Who is <em>that</em>?” Allie questions, observing a woman their age walking towards them. She has long curly black hair, a deep tan complexion and steps with confidence. She’s wearing a flowing tropical dress that accents her features and carries herself with confidence. </p>
<p>The four watch as the woman turns her head to scan the yard, a trace of a smile appearing on her face as she angles to her left to approach Cindy who is with her friends and relatives. </p>
<p>“She’s smoking hot,” Kelley comments, looking at her over her pushed down sunglasses. </p>
<p>“Pig,” Alex snorts, elbowing her. </p>
<p>“I’m just saying,” Kelley starts, she squints, “She kinda looks familiar,” she considers. </p>
<p>“You keep saying,” Emily remarks, “and I’ll keep saying you’re not getting any ever again,” she threatens her with arms crossed. </p>
<p>“Hey guys,” Tobin greets as she approaches them, “what’s going on?” </p>
<p>Allie turns to face her, “We’re wondering who the mystery woman is,” she says quietly, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. </p>
<p>Tobin looks over Allie’s shoulder and when she sees Christen in all of her feminine glory, her throat goes dry. Her mouth drops open, a slow wide smile spreading across her face as she watches how her Mom is hugging her and taking her hand and introducing her to Tobin’s cousins. Tobin has seen Christen wearing her scrubs and wearing a casual tops with capris or shorts. Seeing her wearing this outfit, she swallows, it’s doing things to her. She’s so beautiful. </p>
<p>“That’s Christen,” she grins, still staring at her with an awestruck look on her face. Her four friends look at Tobin’s dumbstruck expression and watch as she leaves them without another word and walks towards the woman. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey!” Christen greets with a smile, “Happy Birthday!” She says giving Tobin a loose hug and places a soft kiss on Tobin’s cheek. </p>
<p>“I’m so glad you came,” Tobin breathes out, feeling a fluttering in her chest. She turns to her Mother, “Ma, I’m gonna steal Chris and introduce her around,” she says.</p>
<p>“Have fun girls,” Cindy says, smiling at them. </p>
<p>“Thanks for coming,” Tobin grins at her as they walk away, “can I get you something to drink?” </p>
<p>“What are my choices?” Christen asks, smiling just as brightly back at her. </p>
<p>“Let’s go see,” Tobin suggests, taking Christen’s hand and leading her through the crowd. Sure enough, there were around one hundred people here, a mix of friends and family. It was only this morning that Tobin learned her Mom, Perry and Katie had been planning this event since February. She questioned them when a big box truck showed up and workers began unloading tables and chairs and setting up a large tent. It was mostly family Tobin hasn’t seen in years. She understood quickly the underlying reason for this as well, she knew the family wanted to see Cindy. She was grateful her Mom and sisters did this. </p>
<p>Tobin stops and greets people, introducing Christen to them as they make their way towards the garage where the bar area was set up. </p>
<p>“Hmm,” Tobin looks at her, “what do you have a taste for? Wine? Vodka lemonade? Mimosa? Jack and Coke? Beer?” </p>
<p>“Beer is fine,” Christen grins, “what types do you have?” </p>
<p>The two peruse the coolers and Christen selects one, “This is one of my favorites,” she comments, showing Tobin the bottle. </p>
<p>“Live Oak Hefe?” Tobin grins, “I love that one! I didn’t know we had any,” she fishes around in the bucket filled with beer and water and ice, finding another one. She uses the edge of the metal bucket to pop the top off and exchanges beers with Christen and opens hers. </p>
<p>“Cheers,” they say in unison and chuckle as they clink bottles and take a swig. </p>
<p>Tobin leans to the left and the right, her eyes on the crowd, “Feel like meeting my friends?” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “I’d love to,” she agrees. </p>
<p>They walk on the grass of the far side of the driveway on the outskirts of the crowd, “You look really pretty,” Tobin says quietly, “that dress looks terrific on you,” </p>
<p>Christen blushes at the compliment, “Thanks,” she says shyly, “you look really good, too,” she nods, looking Tobin over long enough to make her feel weak under her gaze. Tobin is wearing a light blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled to expose her muscular forearms and a pair of cut off demin shorts and sandals. She looks casual and effortlessly gorgeous with her hair down and sunglasses perched on top of her head, Christen thinks. </p>
<p>Tobin clears her throat and then takes a quick drink, “Thanks,” she gives her a wink. “You ready for this?” </p>
<p>Christen grins, “Let’s do it,” giving her an awkward wink. She feels good about meeting Tobin’s friends.  </p>
<p>“They’re all super cool,” Tobin assures her, “you’ll be fine.” </p>
<p>Christen nods. </p>
<p>They approach the group, hearing their conversation fizzle out as they take in Christen. </p>
<p>“Hey guys,” Tobin says, “I want you to meet” </p>
<p>“Christen?” Kelley asks, lifting her sunglasses up to look at her, “is that you Press?” </p>
<p>“Kelley!” Christen bursts, stepping to her, “Oh my gosh! How are you?” </p>
<p>Kelley engulfs her in a hug, “Pressy! This is nuts! What are you doing here?” She steps back, holding onto Christen’s upper arms, “I can’t believe it!” </p>
<p>“I live here,” Christen explains, catching Tobin’s inquisitive look, “we went to Stanford together,” she explains. The whole group nods knowingly. </p>
<p>“And same sorority,” Kelley says as she slings her arm around Christen, the two swiftly completing some sort of secret handshake, “Pressy, this is the gals,” she swings her free hand out, “that’s Alex, Allie, Emily,” she swings them to face Tobin, “and you obviously know Tobin,” she wiggles her eyebrows. Tobin just smiles, thinking about how it’s such a small world. </p>
<p>Christen steps out from under Kelley’s arm, shaking hands with the other women, “Nice to meet you all,” she says pleasantly. </p>
<p>“What brings you here?” Kelley asks, taking a chug of her beer. </p>
<p>“She’s a nurse,” Tobin jumps in to explain, “she takes care of my Mom and me,” </p>
<p>“And you?” Emily narrows her eyes at her, “How do you mean? Are you sick too and didn’t tell us?” </p>
<p>Christen glances over sees the look of surprise on Tobin’s face and how her mouth drops open and closes quickly, struggling to respond, “I’m typically on home visits, usually wound care, after surgery, pressure sores, things like that,” Christen explains easily, “right now I’m assigned to also provide palliative care, offering some assistance to caregivers,” She refrains from using the hospice term, unsure if Tobin’s friends know that they’ve chosen this service. </p>
<p>They nod, almost in unison with understanding. </p>
<p>“Well, I’m grateful you’re here,” Alex says, giving her a small smile, “anything you can do to help Cindy and Tobes is appreciated by us all,” </p>
<p>“Maybe you can help her remember to call me sometime,” Kelley cocks an eyebrow at Tobin, pursing her lips and crossing her arms. All of the women have noticed a drop off in Tobin’s communication with them and are concerned. Allie elbows Kelley and pushes her aside, stepping closer to Christen, “I have to ask,” she says abruptly, stepping in front of her to block her view of Kelley, “where did you get that dress? It’s so gorgeous on you,” </p>
<p>Emily notices the slight tension when she sees Tobin frowning and loops her arm through Kelley’s, “Let’s check out the beer pong table,” she suggests, “show ‘em how some World Cup Champions can kick their asses,” she says as she leads her away, turning her head and giving Tobin an apologetic look and mouthing sorry as she leads Kelley away. </p>
<p>Tobin makes eye contact with Alex, “I’ll be right back,” she says quietly and slips back into the crowd. </p>
<p>Christen turns and watches her walk out of view, frowning. </p>
<p>“Kelley means well, but when she’s drinking, it doesn’t always come out tactfully,” Allie explains with a frown, “Tobin just hasn’t been herself and we’re concerned,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Well, I’ve only known her for a short time,” she begins, choosing her words carefully, “but my experience with caregivers like Tobin, it makes me think maybe she’s a little overwhelmed by all of this,” </p>
<p>Alex and Allie nod, “Yeah, I can’t imagine how awful this must be,” Allie says quietly, “I told her to call my Mom, she’s been through this with my Grandpa,” she shrugs, “I don’t know if she did.” </p>
<p>“Often times, it’s hard to reach out,” Christen states, “you get so stuck in the moment, small things seem enormous to do, even like making a phone call. You tend to isolate yourself and you don’t even know you’re doing it.” </p>
<p>“How can we help?” Alex asks, “I mean, if Cindy is at a point where she needs full time nursing, I’ll pay for it, it’s no problem.” She frowns, emotion building and tears coming to her eyes, “She’s like my second Mom,” </p>
<p>:She’s like all of our second Mom,” Allie murmurs, frowning as well. </p>
<p>“Oh, I don’t think she’s close to that yet,” Christen assures them, “I’m sure this is hard for both of you,” </p>
<p>Allie nods, “Yeah,” she agrees, “we’ve known each other for a long time,” </p>
<p>“Alex! Allie!” Perry’s voice cuts through the noise, making them turn to see her approaching. Christen had already greeted her when she was with Cindy, pleasantly surprised to receive a warm hug from Tobin’s sister and being told to be their guest today, she was taking care of Cindy. </p>
<p>“Hi!” Alex exclaims, hugging the woman. Allie gives her a hug as well. As they chat for a few minutes Christen feels the urge to try and find Tobin. She excuses herself, citing her need for another drink and politely asking them if need anything. All three say they’re fine so Christen takes it as her cue to wander off. She walks along the edge of the crowd, smiling to a few people who make eye contact, thankful it’s such a friendly bunch. She sees Jeffrey and chats with him for a few minutes and then asks him if he’s seen Tobin and he points her in the direction of the garage. When she reaches the apron of the garage, she pauses near the coolers, bending down and grabbing two water bottles. She looks around and doesn’t see Tobin milling around the keg or the pool filled with beers with the few people in there. She pauses and thinks, unable to ignore the feeling in her gut that Tobin is upset right now. </p>
<p>She sees movement behind a blue tarp hanging near the back of the garage to block the lawn mower and other tools. She bends over slightly and sees Tobin’s sandals on the floor and her bare feet dangling from a chair and moves closer. </p>
<p>“Tobin?” she calls out softly, pushing the tarp slightly to peer behind it. Tobin is sitting against a work bench, looking surprised. </p>
<p>“Hey,” she says, swallowing and looking at her nervously, “what’s up?”</p>
<p>“You okay?” Christen asks quietly as she steps behind the tarp, the faint aroma of marijuana drifting in the enclosed space. She silently offers her a water bottle. </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tobin gives her a small smile as she takes the bottle, “I just needed a break, you know? These things…there’s so many people.” Christen nods understandingly. She notices the half smoked joint resting on the ash tray. “Can I have a hit?”</p>
<p>Tobin’s eyebrows pop up with surprise, “Sure,” she says, nodding at her, “I didn’t think you’d be in to this,”</p>
<p>“The benefits of marijuana are not lost on me, Tobin,” she wiggles her eyebrows and smirks at her, reaching for the joint and lighter. </p>
<p>“I mean,” Tobin shrugs, “I just thought you couldn’t, because you’d be drug tested,” she reasons.  </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “It’s not an issue,” she dismisses, bringing the joint to her lips, lighting it and inhaling deeply. She shuts her eyes for a moment and tilts her head up to exhale and Tobin cannot look away at the sight. Christen offers her the weed and Tobin takes a hit as well. </p>
<p>“Are you upset with what Kelley said?” Christen asks abruptly, getting right to the point. </p>
<p>Tobin scrunches her mouth, leaning back in the chair and offering her the joint. Christen takes another hit and hands it back. Tobin extinguishes it in the ashtray, setting it carefully on the edge for later. “Kinda,” she admits quietly, “I feel like I’m a bad friend,” she admits with downcast eyes. </p>
<p>“May I share something with you?” Christen asks, looking at her intently. </p>
<p>“Sure,” </p>
<p>“If what she said is true,” Christen starts, stepping even closer to Tobin and taking her hand, “I’ve learned over time that it’s completely normal,” </p>
<p>Tobin doesn’t look convinced.</p>
<p>“I did it myself,” Christen shares with her, “while my Mom was dying, I stopped calling people, I stopped going out, it was as if I just ghosted on my friends. I didn’t mean to, it just happened. Over these past few years, I’ve learned that it’s very common for caregivers to do this,” she steps in closer, “Tobin, it’s okay,” she says earnestly, “this is very normal.” </p>
<p>“It’s just so, so…like,” she takes a deep breath, “It’s so important and I want to do this right and sometimes it feels like it’s just me and her and I’m just so tired and she’s not even that sick yet,” Tobin says, her lip quivering and voice trembling. </p>
<p>Christen nods, “You’re not alone,” she says, “I’m here to help,” she says quietly, “just let me,” </p>
<p>Tobin holds her gaze, licking her lips and then drops her eyes and nods. </p>
<p>Christen stares at Tobin’s lips for a moment, “We’ll talk more about this later,” she states, “but right now we’ve got other things to do,” she says and lets a small smile cross her face. </p>
<p>“What’s that?” Tobin asks, her eyes searching her as she slowly mimics her smile. </p>
<p>“Your brother thinks he and his girlfriend can kick our asses at bags,” she says, “and I can’t stand for that.” Now she’s grinning, “So what do you say we go do a shot, find them and show him he’s wrong.” </p>
<p>“Alright,” Tobin says, sliding off the chair and pulling her close, “Thank you,” she whispers into her ear, “thank you so much,” </p>
<p>Christen hugs her tight, “It’ll be okay,” she says to her, holding her for a moment. They break free of the hug, “Now, a shot and some ass kicking, right?” </p>
<p>Tobin grins, “Right,” she nods and follows her around the tarp. </p>
<p>An ass kicking did ensue with Christen being surprisingly very talented at tossing bean bags into the hole, much to Tobin’s delight. Jeffrey demanded a rematch and they killed them again. Emily and Kelley wanted to play them and they beat them handily three times before Kelley finally gave up. Any hurt feelings between Kelley and Tobin were gone while playing and they had a hilarious time. Kelley proclaimed in wasn’t fair when Christen let it slip she played bags often at the Red Stars tailgates.</p>
<p>As they walk back towards the garage to get something to drink, Tobin and Christen meet up with a few of the farmers and their families. Tobin introduces them to Christen, explaining to her how they work the land and they have an interesting conversation about organic farming and the communities in the area they provide their produce.   </p>
<p>“I didn’t know you were so knowledgeable about farming,” Christen remarks as they enter the garage, searching the coolers for a beer. </p>
<p>“I’m learning,” Tobin says as she smacks open the beer off the side of the metal bucket, offering it to her, “gotta educate myself about it,” she shrugs, “someone has to know what’s going on,” she quirks her mouth. </p>
<p>Christen takes a drink of her beer, “You thinking of taking it over?” she asks curiously. </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs again, “I don’t know,” she says, her eyes scanning the crowd, an impassive look on her face, “I haven’t given it much thought of what I’m going to do later,” </p>
<p>Christen nods and senses the uneasiness in her voice and lets it go. This is a happy party and she doesn’t want to bring it down for Tobin. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin was greeting Ali and Ashlyn when the food trucks arrived and people headed over to place their orders. Tobin went looking for her Mom to make her a plate but was intercepted by Katie who told her she was taking care of it and just go have fun. Lauren and Amy arrived and they celebrated a New Kids reunion with all of the soccer players finding a table to sit and eat. Tobin made sure Christen joined them, guiding her to the table and sitting next to her. Christen was enjoying herself when Tobin’s old teammates thought it would be fun to share some good stories. </p>
<p>“Listen,” Tobin chuckles, “Chris has been hearing stories about me all day from my family,” she says good naturedly, “why don’t you save a few for next time?” </p>
<p>When they were finished eating, Jeffrey walks by and greets the table, then bends over and whispers in Tobin’s ear. She nods and he leaves. “I’ll be right back,” Tobin says to Christen, getting up and walking over to where her Mom is sitting, she whispers in her ear and then trots to the garage. She exits it carrying a bag on her shoulder and stops at the side of the building and suddenly lights brighten up the area, strung on the tree and around the yard. </p>
<p>“What’s up?” Lauren asks, looking at Tobin from across the table as she sits down again, opening her camera bag and pulling out her camera. </p>
<p>Tobin grins, “Keep an eye on Jeffrey,” she says, tilting her head in his direction, “he’s going to propose.” The table sees him walking with Shaina away from the crowd to the corner of the yard where it overlooks the vast cornfields as the sun is dipping down in the sky. Tobin is standing and taking photos, although Christen notices that while all eyes are on Jeffrey and Shaina, Tobin is facing where Cindy is, snapping photos of her as the woman realizes what is about to occur. Christen turns and sees Perry and a few others with cameras out, photographing the couple in the distance. She smiles, thinking of how Tobin is the only one who is thinking of her Mom’s reaction. </p>
<p>Soon everyone quiets down when they realize what is happening as Jeffrey goes down on one knee, holding up a box to Shaina and she’s crying and she hugs him and pulls him up and they kiss. Jeffrey puts the ring on her finger and they walk back to join everyone, Shaina holding her hand up to show the ring with a big smile as everyone is cheering and clapping. </p>
<p>When Tobin finally sits down, Jeffrey and Shaina are stopping at the tables as they accept congratulations from everyone. She looks down at her camera, smiling as she flicks through the images she captured on the screen. </p>
<p>Christen leans over, their shoulders touching, “That was a wonderful idea,” she says quietly, “taking photos of her,” she gives her a small smile. </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a wistful smile, “She’s so happy,” she says. While Tobin is smiling, Christen can see the sadness in her eyes.  </p>
<p>“Good job,” Christen replies, slipping her hand under the table to squeeze Tobin’s knee. Tobin places her camera back in the bag, knowing Katie and Perry have been taking photos all day. Lauren and Amy draw Christen into a conversation and while Tobin clears the plates and empty cups with Alex and Emily. Emily apologizes for Kelley’s earlier comment and Tobin tells her it’s okay. </p>
<p>The sun is setting and some families are preparing to leave and Tobin leaves the table to give them hugs and thanks them for coming. It’s almost an hour later and she returns to the table. She notices Christen shiver as darkness settles on them. </p>
<p>“Would you like a sweater?” she asks her. </p>
<p>“I actually should head out,” Christen replies apologetically, “I need to get back and let the dogs out,” </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, right,” Tobin nods, biting her lower lip for a moment and then nodding again, “Can I walk you to your car?” Christen nods and Tobin smiles and turns to the table, “Chris is heading out and I’m going to walk her to her car,” she explains, “when I get back, you guys want to meet around the firepit?” </p>
<p>The others agree and it’s ten minutes before they two walk off, Tobin’s friends genuinely happy to have met Christen and saying goodbye to her. Tobin pauses to let Christen says her farewells to Tobin’s family before heading down the long driveway. People had parked in the grassy lawn and Christen had arrived later and found a spot on the side of the road. They walk close to another, shoulders bumping and hands brushing against another. Christen takes Tobin’s hand in hers and they both smile. Tobin’s road doesn’t get much traffic, so they walk along the pavement, mindful of headlights. They arrive at Christen’s car and she retrieves a long, black cardigan sweater, putting it on. </p>
<p>“Aren’t you cold?” She asks Tobin. </p>
<p>“I’ll grab a hoodie in a bit,” she replies. </p>
<p>“Well,” Christen frowns, “I really need to get going,” She does lean her hip against her car, lingering though. Tobin mimics her and leans against the car as well and faces her.</p>
<p>“Thanks again for coming,” Tobin sincerely, “it was nice to hang out,” </p>
<p>They both look at each other, feeling something powerful, yet both holding back. Christen doesn’t want to cross any professional lines, even though she is very attracted to Tobin. Tobin isn’t sure she should get involved with anyone right now, let alone the nurse who is caring for her Mom.  </p>
<p>Tobin stands straight as she looks at her, she wants to kiss her so badly, yet she doesn’t move. Christen slowly does the same, her green eyes tracking those brown ones. Both are wondering if they should just do it and make a move. Finally, Tobin swallows and takes a step closer, holding her breath and she pulls Christen in for a hug, “I’ll see you Tuesday,” she says, her breath on Christen’s neck, making Christen shiver. </p>
<p>“We’ll talk before then,” Christen promises, slightly disappointed they didn’t kiss, but wanting to keep up with their texting and phone calls. She’s conflicted about the brunette and her feelings for her. </p>
<p>“Absolutely,” Tobin grins, watching Christen slide into her vehicle and start it. </p>
<p>Christen rolls down the window, “Want a ride back?” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Ah, I think I’ll walk,” she replies, wanting a couple of quiet minutes to think, “thanks though.” </p>
<p>“Have fun tonight,” Christen smiles, “don’t get too crazy,” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “I’ll see ya later,” she says and taps the roof of the car and steps back, giving her a wave. </p>
<p>As Tobin walks up the drive she sees her remaining aunts and uncles are leaving and she thanks them profusely for coming to the party. On her way back she stops in the garage, walking behind the tarp and opening the drawer she keeps her dugout in. She makes sure it’s loaded and grabs a lighter and shoves them in her pocket and exits. She decides to go in the house and use the bathroom and grab a hoodie. Laughter fills her ears when she enters the sunroom off the back deck and she follows the sound to the kitchen where her Mom and some of her friends are seated around the table. Katie is lingering nearby, cleaning up some of the dessert trays. Jeff and Shaina are seated at the table, both glowing with happiness. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin greets, smiling at the group. </p>
<p>“How are you doing?” Her Mom asks, smiling up at her. </p>
<p>“Today’s been awesome, Ma,” Tobin says, walking around the table and kissing her cheek, “thanks so much for this.” She looks around the room, “Thank you all,” she says <br/>genuinely, “I really appreciate all of the effort you guys put in for today,” she shakes her head, “you guys are amazing and I love you all, very much.” </p>
<p>“We’re going to hang out around the firepit if you guys wanna come outside,” she invites them. </p>
<p>Her Mom waves her away, “You go hang out with your friends, dear,” she says, “we’re going to play some cards in a bit,” </p>
<p>Perry enters the kitchen holding a thick book, “After we do this!” She sings, waving the book. “I’ve found Jeffrey’s baby album,” she announces and Jeffrey groans loudly while Shaina looks delighted. </p>
<p>Tobin bobs her head, “You have fun with that,” she grins, sliding around the table, pausing to give Jeffrey’s shoulders a squeeze, “sorry bro,” she teases. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” He sighs good naturedly, beaming as he looks over as Shaina scoots closer next to Cindy as she opens the photo album. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Perry calls to her, gesturing to the kitchen counter and lifts a small tray. “Bring this out for the girls,” she suggests. Tobin sees it’s an assortment of desserts. </p>
<p>Tobin hugs Perry, “Thanks again,” she says, “for everything,” her voice muffled from being buried in Perry’s neck. Perry has been getting up early and helping Cindy get ready for the day and allowing Tobin time to sleep in. It’s been a break in her routine that Tobin didn’t know she needed badly. </p>
<p>“You’re welcome, Tobes,” Perry squeezes her, “I love you, sis,” she says. </p>
<p>Tobin hugs Katie as well, thanking her profusely. “Go get drunk,” Katie grins at her, “I know you haven’t been drinking much today,” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “We’ll see,” she demures, not really feeling like it. She’d prefer to smoke a little more and just relax. As far as she knows, her sisters don’t know she uses marijuana. She’s never really spoken about it to them and she’s not sure if her Mom has brought it up with them. It’s not that they’d judge her, but sometimes she still feels like the stigma of using it hovers around them. So, she’s kept it to herself. </p>
<p>“Per, could you grab the door for me?” Tobin asks and lifts the tray and walks out into the night. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Jeez, took ya long enough to say goodbye!” Allie drunkenly bellows with a raspy laugh. </p>
<p>“I got kidnapped,” Tobin calls out, sliding between seats and offering the tray to Alex. Tobin takes a couple of kolackies and a small piece of cake before passing the tray around. </p>
<p>“Fuck, this hits the spot,” Kelley growls as she shovels a large piece of cake into her mouth. </p>
<p>“Hey, Ashlyn,” Lauren calls out, “how’s the book coming?” </p>
<p>Ashlyn laughs, “Great!” she takes another bite of cake, “Although, some people won’t be too pleased with it,” Ali shakes her head and elbows her. “What?” she turns and looks at her questioningly. </p>
<p>“Well, I saw the tweet saying it’s <em>the</em> bare all, no holds barred truth behind the Women’s National Team,” Emily says facetiously, “who’s getting roasted?” </p>
<p>“Or rather, who’s not?” Allie chuckles.</p>
<p>“Well, none of you guys have a thing to worry about,” Ashlyn declares, “but I think you all know who might be concerned.” </p>
<p>Kelley stands up and takes a step and chucks her paper plate into the fire, “Carli, Hope, Jill, the homophobes, Hinkle, Bill Lynch and,” she pauses to think, “let’s see, Sunil, Cordeiro, Trump, oh and Alexi Lalas,” she counts out with her fingers. </p>
<p>Ashlyn nods approvingly, “Pretty much,” she agrees, “and how it’s set up with social media screenshots and excerpts of interviews, there’s no chance of getting sued. It’s just the plain truth.”  </p>
<p>“What about you, Tobin?” Amy asks, “I’ve read those articles you wrote, you should write a book,” </p>
<p>“Ah, I don’t know,” Tobin shrugs, finishing her cake and working on a kolacky, “I don’t know if that’s something I want to do,” she shakes her head. </p>
<p>“Writing a book is a bitch,” Alex declares from across the firepit where she’s curled up in her chair, “even if it’s a kids book,” she rolls her eyes, “so many rewrites, the lawyers, the agents, editors, it’s a hassle,” </p>
<p>“I’m finding that out,” Ashlyn agrees flatly. </p>
<p>“What about the time in France after the World Cup? The after, after party? That was nuts,” Allie pipes up, changing to the tone of the conversation. “Poor Rose and Mal puking in the planters of that restaurant!” </p>
<p>“Or back at the hotel when Becky and Alyssa passed out on the bus and we had to discreetly drag them in?” Kelley howls at the memory, “How the press didn’t even know,” </p>
<p>“We did a good job of distracting them,” Emily states, “me and Lindsay doing that dance?” </p>
<p>“I’m just glad you both kept your clothes on,” Ali says wryly, thinking back to that crazy night.</p>
<p>“We had some good times,” Lauren says, looking around at everyone, “we’ve been very blessed,” </p>
<p>“Seeing twenty-seven different countries by the time I was thirty?” Tobin joins in, “How can that be possible,” she muses, “we’re so lucky,” </p>
<p>“There were drawbacks though,” Alex concedes, “so many missed family events, the strain on relationships,” </p>
<p>“Carli’s book about how she suffered so much during the ’19 World Cup and missed the Olympics because of the pandemic,” Emily sighs heavily. Carli’s book was filled with stories of how Coach Jill Ellis disrespected her for years and then how Vlatko Andnovoski played her too much and she was injured in, what she claimed, was an unnecessary friendly that kept her making the roster of the postponed Olympics. It was ridiculous. Carli faced so much scrutiny after it was published, many reporters delving into certain chapters and finding inaccuracies to her claims. Accusations of events and who did what were bandied around the internet, annoying the rest of the team. Lawsuits were threatened by various ex-staff members, it was a mess. </p>
<p>Ashlyn was infuriated about it and claimed publicly she would set the story straight, hence she’s been busy the last year finding all of the social media posts and video clips to back her claims. Her legion of loyal fans helped her find various screenshots and interviews which caught Carli in her half truths and outright lies. All of the team was harassed for their reactions to Carli’s book, Tobin avoiding the whole thing by never reading the book. Others followed her lead as well, some stating they were there and knew the truth. </p>
<p>“But we got equal pay,” Ashlyn says proudly, “and that was three years of bullshit, but we stood firm. We changed soccer in the United States for the better. Equal investment in both programs, equal marketing, better percentages of sales profits. A grassroots soccer program throughout the country including low income areas. Changes to scouting, the youth programs, everything.”  </p>
<p>A quiet settles on the group, considering her words. </p>
<p>“Well, I never woulda met the love of my life if I hadn’t kept playing,” Ali declares, cuddling closer to Ashlyn, “I think it worked out for us,” she purses her lips and Ashlyn kisses her. </p>
<p>“I think we all made it through pretty well,” Allie states, “I still have almost twenty-three of my best friends,” she smiles. </p>
<p>Lauren raises her beer, “To best friends!” she toasts. </p>
<p>Everyone lifts their drink, “To best friends,” they toast and take a drink. </p>
<p>They spend another hour finishing the tray of desserts and talking about this and that. Ali and Ashlyn announce that they’re in the final paperwork for adopting their third child. Lauren states happily that her last check up showed no evidence of her tumor returning. Amy shared that her boys have finally convinced her to allow them to get a dog. Alex stated that she had won her argument and the NWSL would now be announcing games with their own broadcasters next year. Each team would hire their own announcers, improving the quality of broadcasts. She would be anchoring the LA broadcasts next year. They also negotiated that announcers would travel with the team, providing digital content and match commentary for their team. Viewers would have a choice of watching matches with either the home or away crew. </p>
<p>Allie stated that she was being groomed to take over as head coach next season for the Thorns. Mark wanted to step down and take the GM position. She also shared that Canada was finally joining the NWSL next season and there would be no dispersal draft. Their teams would be comprised of all Canadians, players signed from overseas and remaining allocated players not currently playing on US teams. There would one team per province with plans to add more in the next few years. Christine Sinclair was leading the way, working closely with the NWSL to set up their league for success. There were talks of having an Allstar game and skills competition. Kelley is excited to play her final season in the NWSL, a coaching job is waiting for her with the team. Sonnet shared that she was approached by ESPN to provide content for their NWSL weekly show.  </p>
<p>Tobin is feeling a nice buzz and enjoying sitting her with her friends. She’s so happy Christen showed up and how well she fits in with everyone. She loves how easily her friends accepted her with no hesitation to welcome her and talk with her and make her feel comfortable. She loves that her siblings have done the same. There’s a lot of trust you need with the person taking care of a loved one and she’s so pleased that her siblings have accepted her. Christen has been so supportive of her as well, offering her encouragement on days where she feels lost and overwhelmed in caring for her Mom. She knows Christen doesn’t even realize how calming her presence is to her. She knows the pressure is only going to get worse as her Mom’s condition deteriorates. She worries the most about knowing when to her call her siblings home so they are here when she passes. She hates that she’s thinking of it already, it feels like a betrayal to her vow to help her Mom live the rest of her life to the fullest. She hopes she gets a chance to talk to her brother and sisters about it tomorrow before they leave.</p>
<p>“Guys, I ordered the party bus to come back,” Alex announces during a pause in conversation, “and we’ve got early flights tomorrow,” </p>
<p>Tobin stands up, “Guys,” she says, “I can’t thank you enough for coming,” she shakes her head, “you’re all so precious to me, I love you.” </p>
<p>“You say the word and we’re here pronto, Tobin,” Lauren states, coming over and hugging her, “Love ya,” Lauren husks, squeezing her tight, “you take care of yourself,”   </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After her teammates had left, Tobin cleaned up the chairs around the firepit before she went in the house. The gals had gone in to say their goodbyes before they boarded their Ubers. </p>
<p>Now, Tobin was meeting with Jeffrey, Perry and Katie to talk about some things. Tobin shuts the door to the study, walking across the room to sit behind the desk. Her Mom was in bed in the sunroom and Shaina had gone up to bed in the guest room her and Jeffrey were staying in. Tobin’s a bit tired, but her desire to have this conversation is keeping her awake. It feels weird to be behind the desk for this discussion, like she’s in charge. She knows she kind of is, she’s been the one leading things but it still makes her slightly uncomfortable. Especially when her two older sisters are looking to her to guide this. </p>
<p>“So…” Tobin trails off, reaching to grab her notebook that she had scribbled some points she wanted to cover, flipping it open. She twirls the pen in her hand a little nervously. </p>
<p>“Mom sent us copies of the will and all the other legal and medical stuff,” Perry states. Tobin nods, knowing her Mom did this, wanting to keep everything transparent and have no surprises. </p>
<p>“Did you have any questions on that?” she asks. </p>
<p>“Well, I do,” Katie states, “what are your plans for the house? I mean you’ve live in Portland,” Tobin was named as successor in the land trust for the house and all of the other properties as well as being the executor of the estate.  </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “I haven’t thought about it,” she replies, “I mean, this is all kind of overwhelming, you know?” She says evenly, not wanting to be defensive, “So, I’m just taking it day by day. I mean, I’m not going to do anything without talking to you guys,” she clarifies. </p>
<p>The three nod, knowing Tobin is as honest as they come and they trust her. </p>
<p>“My biggest fear is,” Tobin frowns and sighs deeply, feeling her chest tighten, “I don’t want any of you to have regrets for not being here,” she says emotionally, “I don’t want you miss Mom passing. I want you all to feel free to come whenever you want,” she looks at them. “I talked to Mom about it,” she continues, “she’ll pay for your flights and car rentals,” </p>
<p>“Aw,” Perry sniffles, “Tobin,” </p>
<p>“I know you two,” Jeffrey gestures at Katie and Perry, “your schedules aren’t super easy to just get up and go,” he shrugs, “I have a little more flexibility.” He turns and looks at Tobin, “Do you think Mom would be cool if I came and hung out? Like would she get weirded out if I helped her to the bathroom and stuff?” </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Tobin admits, “I mean, I know she’d love to have you here, but doing that stuff…I don’t know.” </p>
<p>“I just want to take some of this off you,” he says earnestly. </p>
<p>“Why don’t you guys look at your calendars and see when you’d want to come back,” Tobin suggests, “even if it’s just for a weekend.” </p>
<p>“That sounds good,” Katie agrees, “I know my boss will be cool about it if I can plan some visits,” she states, “and she’s already told me when the time comes to just go,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I will,” Perry nods, “do you think you need to have more help come in yet?” </p>
<p>Tobin scrunches her face, “I don’t know,” she replies, “some days it’s fine and other days it’s like, Mom needs a lot of help. Chris says it’s normal because of the brain tumor.” </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Katie looks scared, “is she in a lot of pain?” </p>
<p>“Her meds have been working,” Tobin answers, “and uh, we’ve found something else that helps her a lot,” </p>
<p>Jeffrey chuckles, “Is Mom smoking pot?” </p>
<p>Tobin can’t help but grin, “She prefers edibles,” </p>
<p>“Are you joining her?” Perry questions, leaning forward and narrowing her eyes playfully. </p>
<p>“Actually, I am,” Tobin replies seriously, “it really helps me stay less anxious about everything. Like, I can sleep and not be awake with my mind racing about all of this,” she looks at them, “don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe God timed this so I can be here. I have no doubt about it. It’s like all of the years I’ve missed because of soccer is letting me have this time with Ma and I cherish it.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, but we want you to take of yourself too,” Perry says understandingly, “just from being with her all day today, it was a lot of work. And I know she wasn’t trying to be needy because of the party, so I can only imagine what it’s like when it’s just you and her. Or if she’s having a bad day.” </p>
<p>Kate nods solemnly, “Tobin, I really feel blessed you’re here. I don’t know if I could do it like you are,” she admits, shrugging and looking guilty, “I don’t know if I can handle doing this.” </p>
<p>“Right now, we’re trying to find some balance so I don’t get burned out,” Tobin nods, “Chris thinks maybe in a couple of weeks she’ll start coming three days a week for 8 hours per day,” </p>
<p>Perry grins slyly at her, “You won’t argue about that, huh,” </p>
<p>Tobin blushes, “No,” she says slowly, “I really like her,” she pauses, “she’s super smart and really helpful.” </p>
<p>“And is doesn’t hurt that she’s hot, huh?” Jeffrey questions, arching an eyebrow at her. </p>
<p>“I’m here to help Mom and not start a romance or anything,” Tobin shakes her head, “Chris is just a really good person, you know? And she knows her stuff. I’ve learned so much from her about how to safely help Mom already. She’s become a good friend, too.” </p>
<p>“How long do you think Mom has?” Katie asks quietly with her head down as she picks at the cuticle on one of her fingers. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Tobin admits, “she’s been doing good, just slowing down, you know? We go out during the week, she was helping me with the firepit three days ago,” </p>
<p>Both Perry and Katie raise their eyebrows, “Oh,” Perry says, “so, she’s pretty healthy right now,” she murmurs. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin replies, “she just gets tired quicker and some days she’s in pain,” she shrugs her shoulders, “it could change quick,” she cautions, “Chris says if the brain tumor gets bigger, if she gets sick or the tumors in her spine shift, things could go bad pretty quick.” </p>
<p>A solemn silence fills the room as they contemplate Tobin’s statement. </p>
<p>“So,” Tobin clears her throat, “you guys let me know and I’ll book your flights and cars,” she says, then she stands up, “I’m gonna head to bed,” she steps from behind the desk, “oh, if you guys want to take any of your stuff back, pack a box up and I’ll ship it you,” </p>
<p>“You mean do I want to take the Santa head I made from paper plate and cotton balls when I was in second grade home?” Katie smiles. They had much fun going through the boxes form the attic. </p>
<p>“I’ve got mine packed up,” Jeffrey says as he stands up, “Shaina is going to ask her parents if they kept any of her stuff,” </p>
<p>“Hey, should we talk about the wedding?” Perry inquires. </p>
<p>“Labor Day weekend here?” Jeffrey proposes with a shrug. </p>
<p>“When you and Shaina have time,” Tobin says, covering her mouth as she yawns, “call me and we can go over stuff. I’d be happy to scope out catering around here, we’ve got the place for a tent and tables and chairs, already,” </p>
<p> “Yeah, we will,” he promises, “but I know Shai wants to talk you about something in the morning,” he says, “something about flowers?” he shrugs. “I think we’d be fine with the food trucks again,” he says, “I thought that worked out great and we just want to keep it simple.” </p>
<p>“The food was awesome,” Katie nods, “I’d eat it again,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, they were really good,” Perry adds. </p>
<p>“That’s cool,” Tobin yawns again, “thanks again for today you guys,” she says, “this was awesome,” </p>
<p>The group breaks up with a mix of hugs and goodnights and they all empty out of the study to head to bed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for the kudos and heartfelt comments. It's so appreciated and really brightens my day. </p>
<p>:)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p><strong>June</strong> </p><p>“Couldn’t have asked for a better day,” Tobin smiles brightly at Christen as they approach the stadium. Tobin is smiling as she takes in the Red Star logos on the stadium walls, the stylized banners with players on them, flapping in the breeze. She remembers when they were all for the Chicago Fire, back when the two teams shared the stadium and training facilities. They’ve arrived almost three hours before kick off and there are cars already in the lot. People milling around, tailgating, grills smoking and kids kicking soccer balls around.  </p><p>An hour before Christen was due to pick her up, Tobin grew concerned about their drive in to the city. She worried if they would run out of topics to talk about. That went out the window after two minutes being in the vehicle as they chattered for the entire ride in. </p><p>“We used to drive all the way around,” Tobin comments, “I think we passed the supporters’ group tailgate.” </p><p>“Yeah, we’re still back there,” Christen mentions she drives past the front of the stadium and then makes a left. </p><p>Tobin chuckles, “It’s paved now,” she grins. “When it was gravel,” she says, “Nadine, Angerer,” she clarifies, “our goalie coach, would drive like a crazy woman back here,” </p><p>“Oh yeah?” Christen grins at her.</p><p>“I swear we almost flipped the van a couple of times,” Tobin laughs, “she would be yelling in German and doing donuts and we were fearing for our lives!” </p><p>The two are still laughing when Christen parks her car. “You ready?” she eyes Tobin. Tobin looks good, wearing a loose dark red t-shirt and cut off jean shorts with sandals and completed her outfit with her black Nike hat which she wore backwards. Dark sunglasses completed her look and Christen thought she looked really good. Tobin had politely declined Christen’s offer to borrow a Red Stars jersey with a smirk. Christen chuckled when she picked her up, teasing her that she was wearing Thorns colors. Tobin playfully argued she was wearing red for Red Stars. Christen pushed that it was Thorns red but whatever. </p><p>Christen is wearing her favorite jersey from years ago, the blue Elevated one. She has Julie Ertz’s name and number on her back and paired it with jean shorts like Tobin’s. She chose to wear a pair of white Nikes, wanting to be comfortable and had on her favorite sunglasses as well. She left her hair down although she has a hair tie around her wrist if it gets too hot and she wants to pull her hair back. </p><p>It is a perfect day for soccer or anything outside. The sun is shining, the temperature is in the low eighties and there was just the slightest of a breeze. Christen had parked in the third row of vehicles and people were passing them by as they headed to the tailgate. She pops the trunk and opens her door to exit and Tobin follows. </p><p>“You’re okay with this, right?” Christen checks in again. Halfway through the drive, Tobin had produced a packet of gummy edibles, offering her some. During their conversations throughout the past week, Tobin had shared with her that she sometimes got anxious in large crowds, like at concerts or sporting events and used marijuana to help ease her nerves. Christen felt the same way sometimes, not enjoying being in a crush of humanity, she understood. She took two gummies, knowing they’d kick in after they arrived at the stadium. </p><p>“I can take the cooler,” Tobin offers, bending down to grab the plastic cooler filled with beers on ice and pulls it from the trunk. </p><p>“Thanks,” Christen says as she retrieves a bag filled with a few packages of hamburger buns. The tailgate was going to be grilling burgers this match. Every match they plan different menus and everyone signs up what they’ll bring to contribute. Sometimes they end up ordering a mass of pizzas, sometimes food is donated by a sponsor. For a couple of matches, they do appetizers only. It’s fun. Christen isn’t on the board but she’s an active member of the group. She helps with some of their fundraisers, finding needy organizations they would donate funds or supplies. They’ve done coat drives, collected women’s clothes to provide suitable outfits for interviews for a battered women’s shelter, they’ve brought in personal hygiene items for the homeless, blanket drives, all sorts of them.  </p><p>“I warned them that you’re coming today,” Christen says suddenly as they walk side by side towards the tailgate, “they think I was joking, so we’ll see how it goes.” </p><p>Tobin shoots her a grin, “That’s hilarious,” she says, “eh, I guess it might seem like something out of the blue though, huh?” </p><p>“I don’t think many people know you’re back at home,” Christen shrugs, “I mean, you don’t post much on social media, so…” </p><p>“You cyber stalking me, Chris?” Tobin jokes lightly, softly bumping Christen’s arm with her elbow. </p><p>“You wish,” Christen rolls her eyes. Truth was, she had. She had spent quite some time on Tobin’s Instagram, scrolling through her account, making sure her fingers never accidentally pressed the like button, especially when she found herself looking at photos posted years ago. </p><p>“Holy shit!” they hear a voice exclaim. “Tobin Fucking Heath!” </p><p>Tobin chuckles as she walks up to the surprised woman who is standing there with an open mouth in shock. </p><p>“My middle name is actually Powell,” Tobin jokes, “but hey, how’s it going?” </p><p>“I, uh, yeah,” she says flustered as Christen chuckles. </p><p>“Tobin, I’d like you to meet Michelle,” Christen introduces, “Michelle, this is my friend Tobin.” </p><p>Michelle clears her throat, “Right, of course, hi,” she says quickly, sticking her hand out and then sees Tobin is carrying a cooler. “Oh, let me help you,” she offers. Tobin goes off with Michelle and sets the cooler down, opening it and pulling out a couple of beers. She offers one to her and she accepts it as if Tobin had just given her a prized gift.<br/>
More people begin to surround them and Christen slides in to make sure they don’t make her uncomfortable. Tobin handles it easily, gladly taking photos with them. They all start talking soccer, playfully ranting at her about how frustrated Casey Short so much and made other Chicago defenders look silly. She handles their light teasing about her shirt color, which Tobin defends as Red Star colors again. </p><p>“Excuse me,” a voice bellows loudly, “excuse me!” </p><p>“Oh boy,” Christen chuckles, seeing the woman approaching who’s carrying a bottle and some plastic shot glasses and knowing what's coming next. “Tobin,” she says, “um, I think you’re about to be initiated.” </p><p>Tobin turns and sees the smirk everyone is holding and grins, “What’s up?” </p><p>“You see,” Michelle explains, taking the sleeve of shot glasses from the woman, “we have this Chicago tradition,” </p><p>“You must join us in experiencing the elixir that is known as Malort.” The other woman finishes, holding the bottle above her head. </p><p>Tobin nods as she looks around and gives a thumbs up, “Let’s do this,” she agrees. A cheer goes up and glasses are passed around and Nicole, the bottle carrier begins to fill them up.</p><p>“Since you’re a special guest,” Michelle states, “you can make the toast,” she says and wags a finger at her, “but we do not toast to the Thorns!” </p><p>Tobin laughs and nods again, “For sure,” she says agreeably and it impresses Christen just how easy going Tobin is. Nobody would ever know she gets anxious, she just exudes this chill vibe. Then again, she feels the edible hitting and is pretty relaxed herself, so she thinks Tobin must be feeling pretty chill as well right now. </p><p>Once all of the plastic cups have been filled, Tobin raises hers up over her head, “To futbol,” she toasts.</p><p>“To futbol!” Everyone responds. </p><p>Christen easily tosses back the shot, very used to the taste watching as Tobin downs it. She chuckles as Tobin grimaces, “Urg,” she mutters, giving a whole body shake. “Whew!” she exclaims. The group cheers and high fives her. After that, things get busy preparing the burgers to cook and welcoming others. </p><p>Tobin sticks close to Christen, noticing how Michelle and Nicole and a few others subtly shield them from others. They’ve holed up near the back by the grills and a picnic table, a little out of the way of the rest of the tailgaters. Conversation is lively and Tobin seems to be really enjoying herself. People keep coming and going and everyone is super friendly. </p><p>“Chris,” Tobin leans close to whisper.</p><p>“Hum?” </p><p>“Is my tongue supposed to feel like something furry is growing out of it?” Tobin asks, making a face as she scrunches her face. </p><p>“That’s pretty normal,” Christen replies, giving her an amused look, “that’s Malort for you,” </p><p>“And you do this with friends?” Tobin inquires, “I would think you give this to people you don’t like,” </p><p>Christen laughs, “It’s a Chicago thing,” </p><p>“Right,” Tobin grimaces and doesn’t look convinced as she takes a long pull on her beer.  </p><p>“No, seriously,” Christen chuckles, “it is.” </p><p>They eat and have another beer and hang out for a bit before entering the closest gate, quickly hitting the restroom and following the others in to sit in the supporters section. Michelle gestures for them to move in the middle of one of the lower rows and others follow to surround them. </p><p>“She doesn’t want other people to bother you,” Christen whispers in Tobin’s ear, “didn’t you hear everyone talking when we came in?” </p><p>Tobin shakes her head, “No,” she says, giving her a little grin, “I block it out,” </p><p>Christen nods, “If it gets too weird or anything, we can go to the seats you got anytime,” she reminds her, “it won’t bother me at all,” </p><p>Tobin nods, “We’ll play it by ear, okay?” She gives Christen’s wrist a quick squeeze.  Tobin looks around, smiling as she remembers playing here. She steps closer to Christen, shoulders touching, “I remember when the SG was only one section, usually half filled,” she half turns to look behind and turns back to smile at her, “now it’s the whole end and packed.” </p><p>She points to the side opposite of the benches, “That part was never open for years, they just did it like, two years ago?” </p><p>“We sometimes sell out the top too,” Christen boasts, “it gets bigger every season,” </p><p>“That’s awesome,” Tobin smiles, drinking in the surroundings and noise. A cheer goes up as they announce the starting line ups, Tobin smiles widely and laughs at the boos for the Thorns players. </p><p>“Thorns suck!” she cups her hands around her mouth and yells with a giggle making those around them laugh with surprise. She gives Christen this grin and Christen smiles back, happy she’s having a good time. </p><p>The anthem is played and the whistle blows for kickoff. </p><p>Alyssa Naeher is in the goal before where they stand, the Thorns approaching trying to score. The Local 134 Supporters are singing their chants, Christen following along with gusto. Tobin is steadily watching the match, nodding as she sees the play unfold as Portland nears them. The ball gets stolen and she hopes she doesn’t groan too loudly, although it’s covered by the cheers surrounding her. </p><p>The game progresses back and forth, each team making strong pushes towards goal. There are a few close chances for the Thorns to score and Tobin endures some good natured ribbing from those around her. Chicago scores and the crowd goes wild, singing a chant Tobin doesn’t know for the player who shot the rocket into the back of the net. She watches with a wide smile at Christen’s antics, her high fiving everyone surrounding them, hugging her tightly and then checking to see if she was pouting. </p><p>They both laugh and Tobin shakes her head as the halftime whistle blows. She’s loved watching Christen out of the corner of her eye throughout the first half, her facial expressions, how she shouts when there’s a shot on goal. She’s very focused and doesn’t say much except to lean in towards her with a nice shot of that was close.<br/>
As the people surrounding them leave to use the bathroom or go to the concession stands, the crowd around them thins out a little and some kids and adults from the next section over to them take the chance to approach Tobin. Christen takes photos for them with Tobin and watches as Tobin signs scarves and hats and high fives the few Portland fans that came over. Christen glances over and sees that there’s only ten more minutes in the half and there’s more people squeezing in around them. When Tobin looks up from talking to a youngster, Christen sees the flash of surprise on her face that she quickly recovers from as many voices shout her name. </p><p>She instinctively grabs Tobin’s hand, apologizing to nearest kids, “Sorry guys, Tobin’s gotta go now,” she says firmly, tugging on her wrist and dragging her along the aisle to the stairs opposite of where the group is congregated. She doesn’t realize she’s still holding onto her wrist until they’re up on the concourse briskly cutting through the crowds looking to get food and drinks from the concessions. She leads her past the concessions, past the Red Stars pop up store to the walkway that overlooks the main parking lot. There are fewer people here because there’s only one concession stand and the foot traffic light so Christen slows her pace and uncurls her fingers from around Tobin’s thin wrist. </p><p>“Thanks,” Tobin says gratefully, “that was getting crazy.” She stops walking and leans on the brick ledge with her back to the concourse and overlooks at the cars in the lot. </p><p>“We definitely should sit in your seats,” Christen chuckles as she shakes her head, “you are a rock star.” </p><p>Tobin gives her a look she doesn’t understand, but then nods and turns around so her back is against the brick. She takes her phone out and is texting someone. “We can meet up with one of the Red Star people,” she murmurs as she types. </p><p>Christen is looking at the crowd as they pass, watching with some amusement as a few people walk by and do a double take when they realize that they’ve passed Tobin. Christen realizes she’s scowling at them because they glance at her and keep walking. </p><p>“Are you upset?” Tobin’s voice breaks her out of her staring. </p><p>“Huh? What?” Christen flinches and looks at her. </p><p>“Are you upset we had to leave there?” Tobin is looking at her intently, her lips turned down in a slight frown. </p><p>“Oh, no,” Christen shakes her head, “not at all,” she assures her, “Tobin, we talked about it,” she says, her tone softening, “we knew there was a chance something like that would happen,” she says, “I’m fine moving seats if it means we can at least watch the game,” </p><p>“Okay,” Tobin nods slowly, “and thank you for jumping in like that,” glancing at the screen of her phone, “we should go that way,” she jerks her head and they start walking. “I was pretty shocked how many people were coming at me,” </p><p>“I thought so,” Christen comments, “I just felt like we had to get out of there right then,” </p><p>“Good call,” Tobin grins and sees one of the Red Star reps waving them over. “Hope you like these seats,” she smirks looking over her shoulder at Christen. Christen rolls her eyes, wondering what Tobin did. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Tobin!” Christen exclaims, “This is amazing!” They’re sitting at one of the pitch side tables for the second half. A server had just left with their order. “I mean, we’re practically on the Thorns bench!” </p><p>“I know,” Tobin smiles, “maybe I can help inspire them this half,” </p><p>Christen had convinced herself that Tobin would probably pull a few strings or something and they would be sitting in a player box or something. Not this. She knows these are expensive seats. At least three grand per table for season ticket holders. </p><p>The players are trickling out of the tunnel and back onto the pitch, walking towards the bench area. </p><p>“Yo, Linds,” Tobin shouts, “light it up!” </p><p>Lindsay Horan’s head shoots up and when she sees Tobin, her face transforms with happiness. She gives Tobin a thumbs up and shakes Mal Pugh’s shoulders, twisting her by her shoulders to see Tobin. Mal smiles wide, all teeth, then she tries her best to make a mean face, a fist punching into her palm and Tobin laughs. After being traded from Washington to Sky Blue years ago, Mal had flourished. Carli Lloyd had much to do about helping her, sharing with her a lot of techniques to maintain mental positivity and the will to continually strive to the best. Portland snagged her in a massive three team trade that brought her to the Rose City while trading Houston drafts picks and Sky Blue getting allocation money. </p><p>Their food arrives and Tobin and Christen share a soft hot pretzel, wondering aloud how they could be hungry from all the food they ate at the tailgate. Must be the munchies they conclude with a giggle. Neither of them ordered beer, Christen wanting to be able to drive sober and Tobin feeling pretty buzzed from the three she had already consumed plus the gummies she had taken. She wanted to drink some water and be able to have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner later. </p><p>When Portland scores, Tobin instantly goes to high five Christen but stops when she sees Christen stern look. Tobin’s face falls as she puts her hand down slowly feeling a mix of emotions until Christen’s musical laugh makes her look up. </p><p>“Oh!” Christen laughs, “Your face!” she slaps the table, laughing hard, “It was priceless!” </p><p>Tobin crosses her arms, giving her a withering look, “Yeah, yeah,” she jerks her chin up, “Keep laughing,” she says, a smirk growing on her face, “look at the scoreboard.” </p><p>“We should bet,” Christen blurts out, not knowing where that came from. Tobin is intrigued. “What do you want to bet on?” </p><p>“Loser has to take the winner out for dinner,” she says, thinking she shouldn’t have had that second beer, it was making her talk crazy. </p><p>“In the city or back home?” Tobin cocks her head, amused by the bet. </p><p>“Wherever,” Christen shrugs, “I’ll be picking so you don’t have to worry about it,” she smiles at her. </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin chuckles, “okay, you’re on. Winner chooses the dinner location.” </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I think I’m just more impressed with myself that I wasn’t like, starstruck,” Christen says as she drives, her phone connected to her car as she speaks with her sister Channing. She’s driving home after dropping off Tobn.“I mean, I had dinner with Allie Long, Lindsay Horan, Mal Pugh, Alyssa Naeher, Julie Ertz and Morgan Brian!”</p><p>Knowing how into soccer Christen is, Channing understands her emotions, “That had to be crazy,” she says, “was it fun?” </p><p>“Chan,” Christen says, “they are all so incredibly nice,” she says genuinely, “down to earth, normal people who happen to be crazy talented soccer stars. I’m just glad I brought a different shirt to change into. I was wearing an Ertz jersey and that would have been weird.” </p><p>“I’m glad,” Channing smiles, “so you told me about this bet,” she says, “So, now you have a date with Tobin?” Channing confirms.</p><p>“No, it’s just dinner,” Christen clarifies. </p><p>“And she’s the daughter of a woman you’re providing hospice care to,” Channing states, trying to piece together everything from the flurry of fast talking Christen has done about her day. The amount of times she’s brought up Tobin’s name today and in previous conversations is making Channing think she’s in serious like with her already. </p><p>“Yes,” Christen says annoyed, “don’t say it that way,” </p><p>“What way should I say it?” Channing scoffs. </p><p>“That makes me feel like I’m a predator on someone emotionally compromised,” Christen argues. </p><p>“Is she?” Channing fires back. </p><p>Christen pauses, thinking. “Tobin is complicated,” she says, “I don’t mean that in a bad way either,” she clarifies, “she’s got a lot going on, I don’t want to push her into anything.” </p><p>“Doesn’t she live in Portland?” Channing asks, trying to remember all of the hurried details Christen had flung at her in previous calls. </p><p>“Yeah, well, she did,” Christen frowns, “but she’s here now.” </p><p>“But what happens when her Mom dies?” </p><p>“Channing!” Christen scolds sharply. </p><p>“It’s a legitimate question, Chrissy,” Channing says with a softer tone. </p><p>“I don’t- we didn’t,” Christen huffs, “I just really like her, Chan,” she sighs, “and I think she likes me just as much.” </p><p>“Are you sure she’s not wanting someone for support through this with her Mom? An emotional outlet? Get close to you, maybe get laid, be a fling while she’s here and leaves after her Mom dies?” Channing asks. </p><p>“Don’t talk about her like that,” Christen responds angrily, “she’s not like that,” she says forcefully, “you don’t know her like I do.” </p><p>“Chrissy,” Channing sighs, “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” </p><p>“I’m not going to get hurt,” Christen states, although doubt from the points Channing has brought up begin to fester in her mind. She’s thought about them. A lot. She tries to convince herself that they are just friends and nothing more. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It was just a really fun day,” Tobin says, the smile not leaving her face as Alex grins back at her.</p><p>“Good,” Alex says, “you deserve to go out and have some fun,” </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin sighs, “I mean, I still texted Miss Sally a few times to make sure everything was cool,” she says, “it’s kinda always on my mind, you know?” </p><p>“I’m sure,” Alex says, “it has to be hard to separate yourself.” </p><p>“But the thing is…” Tobin trails off, unsure how to start. </p><p>“What Tobes?” </p><p>“I really like her,” Tobin states with a deep sigh, “so much.” </p><p>“And?” Alex prods, “What?” </p><p>“I just,” Tobin huffs, “Christen is really great,” she explains, “and I…I just feel so conflicted about starting to see someone while I’m here with my Mom.” </p><p>Alex is quiet, sensing Tobin has more to say. </p><p>“I feel like it’s a slap in Mom’s face for me to do that,” Tobin confesses, her voice a little shaky, “like, she’s dying, Al, and I shouldn’t be going off on dates and having fun.” </p><p>Alex makes a soft noise of understanding, “That’s so hard,” she says with feeling. </p><p>Tobin sniffs, “Part of me really wants to get to know her, she's pretty awesome,” she says quietly, “but being here for my Mom…” </p><p>“I know,” </p><p>“And I still have my place in Portland,” Tobin picks up again, “I don’t know what I’m doing after Mom,” she pauses, unable to say it. She wipes her eyes. </p><p>“You have a lot going on,” Alex soothes, “you don’t have to try and figure it all out right now,” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess,” Tobin agrees.</p><p>“Maybe just take it slow,” Alex suggests, “get to know her, not romance her,” </p><p>“Take it slow,” Tobin repeats, “take it slow,” she shrugs, “I just don’t want to let it blow up in my face, you know?” </p><p>“Well,” Alex raises her eyebrows and lifts a hand palm up, “maybe just keep talking, let her know what you’re feeling,” </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin sighs, “I don’t know.” </p><p>The two are silent for a moment. Then Alex speaks, “So, tell me about going to the game,” </p><p>Tobin reflectively smiles, “It was so much fun,” she says, “we had a blast! Oh, and Lys and Linds say hi, and Mal wants to know when you’re letting her babysit again.” </p><p>The mood lightens as Tobin shares how the day went, the awful shot of Malort, having fun at the tailgate, the Thorns coming from behind to win and her and Christen’s bet on the dinner. </p><p>“So, when is that happening?” Alex asks. </p><p>“I don’t know,” Tobin confesses, “we said we’d figure it out on Tuesday,” </p><p>“Well, I want to hear all about it,” Alex smiles. </p><p>Tobin nods, a frown appearing on her face, “Should I even go? I mean, I don’t want to lead her on,” she says, beginning to spiral with confusion, “I mean, I don’t want to send out mixed messages,” </p><p>Alex looks at her, scrunching her mouth up, “I don’t know what I can say to help,” she confesses, “I understand where you’re coming from,” she says nodding a little, “you could just go as friends.” She pauses, thinking about how to say this, “Yet I just wish you’d let yourself be a little selfish,” she pauses again, choosing her words carefully, “and I wouldn’t want you to miss an opportunity for happiness with Christen if maybe you hadn’t really given it a chance,” </p><p>Tobin is biting her lower lip, looking off camera. Alex can see she is struggling to reply. </p><p>“Sleep on it,” she suggests, “it’s just dinner, not like an official date or anything. Just take it slow,” </p><p>Tobin looks at her for a moment and then nods, “Thanks, Al,” she replies heartfully in a low gravelly voice. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Two short raps on the back screen door and it squeaks open as Christen enters, “Hi, Cindy,” she greets, “good morning!” </p><p>“Christen,” Cindy smiles, sitting in the recliner, dressed for the day, “how are you dear?” </p><p>“I’m doing just fine, thank you,” she says as she sets her bag down on the hospital bed, “isn’t it a beautiful day?”  </p><p>“Yes, it is,” Cindy nods, “I was thinking of doing some gardening after you do your thing,” she suggests, “I feel really good today,” </p><p>“Awesome,” Christen grins at her, pulling out her stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff, “this will just take a few minutes and we can get out there.” True to her word, within fifteen minutes Christen was holding the back door open as Cindy makes her way out on the deck. She’s using her cane although it doesn’t kook like she needs it much right now. Not today at least. Not yet. Usually before she leaves is when Cindy begins to fade from the exertion of walking just a little. Her pain is radiating from her back down her legs. She typically gives her two pain pills before she leaves for the day. </p><p>Cindy points out an empty bucket in the corner of the deck and Christen brings it to her, wondering what she could do, so she asks her. The deck is shady, the tree near the garage offering a cooler setting for them, but the temperature is in the high eighties and there’s some humidity. </p><p>“Oh, sweetheart,” Cindy shakes her head, “just relax,” she waves her hand at her, “go on your computer or your phone, get a cup of coffee,” she says, “I’m just going to pull up a chair and make my way around the deck,” she states, looking at the colorful planters hanging from the deck rail. “You know,” she says, a small smile on her face, “when Tobin made these,” she says, glancing over at Christen, “she made sure they would hang low enough so I could weed them from a chair,” </p><p>Christen returns the faint smile, “That’s sweet,” she says, wondering where Tobin is right now. Her SUV is in the driveway and she didn’t hear her in the house. Maybe she’s on a run, she considers. </p><p>Cindy nods as she turns her attention to the first planter, beginning to snap off the wilted flowers and toss them in the bucket, “She’s thinking ahead,” she says, “always trying to make things easier for me,” </p><p>Christen is at a loss for words, humming to acknowledge her. </p><p>“She said she had such a wonderful time with you on Saturday,” Cindy says glancing over at Christen and then smiling as she focuses on the flowers, “She sounded so happy, telling me about the tailgate and the game and seeing her friends and making some new ones,” </p><p>“We had a lot of fun,” Christen offers, “her friends are very nice.”</p><p>“They’re all such good kids,” Cindy smiles at the flowers, “all so very kind and considerate,” she says, then turns to face Christen, giving her a sober look, “she’s going to need them,” she says quietly, giving her a sad smile. “Tobin’s always been my most sensitive,” she continues, “she always thinks of others first. I worry about her being on her own after I’m gone,” </p><p>“Oh, Cindy,” Christen gasps, rising from her chair and kneeling next to her, placing a hand on her back, “I know I’ve only known you and Tobin for short time,” she says, “but I know your family is strong, Tobin is strong. It’s a privilege for me to be here with you, to help guide you through this process,” she takes a deep breath, “for trusting me enough. I consider Tobin my friend,” she gives her a small smile, “and I lost my Mom a few years ago. I know the sense of loss. I’ll be here for her, I promise. I won’t let my friend down.” </p><p>Cindy gives her a sad smile, “Thank you dear,” she says, “I do take comfort in you,” she says, “thank you. You have a beautiful servant’s heart and such grace, this has to be difficult for you as well. I believe God had a hand in bringing you in our lives to help us.” </p><p>Christen isn’t sure if God really made it work out like this or just the universe and coincidence did, but she is moved by Cindy’s words. She smiles at her, “Fate works in strange ways and I’m glad to be here,” </p><p>Cindy gives her a smile and then looks at the flowers in front of her. “Aren’t these beautiful?” </p><p>“They are,” Christen agrees, “I don’t do well with plants,” she muses, “I never have. Will you show me how you take care of them?” </p><p>“Of course, dear,” Cindy smiles at her and Christen can see the same smile that Tobin was sporting at the game over the weekend. Christen stands up and listens as Cindy begins to tell her about the flowers. </p><p> </p><p>About twenty minutes later, they both hear feet on pavement, turning their heads to the driveway and seeing Tobin in full stride, sprinting until she gets about twenty feet from the garage. She rapidly slows down, putting her arms out in front of her as she stops against the garage door, leaning against it with her head down and panting. She straightens up and walks towards the near side of the building with her fingers interlocked on the top of her head, oblivious to the two on the deck. She bends over and turns the hose on, stripping her shirt off to display a grey sports bra and sprays water on her head. She shakes her head, letting the water run down her body and goes down on one knee to unlace her shoe. Once both shoes and socks are removed, she stands up and sprays the hose on her feet and lower legs, then on her face and head again. She takes a long drink from the<br/>
hose and then shuts it off. </p><p>Christen’s mouth has dropped open slightly as she watches Tobin in her navy shorts and grey sports bra, pick up her shoes, socks and shirt and she slowly makes her way barefoot to the deck. She stops at the foot of the stairs, stretching her legs. Christen is distracted between watching her and paying attention to Cindy.  </p><p>After a minute, Cindy speaks. “Hi dear,” she says to Tobin, jolting Christen from her trance, “how was your run?” </p><p>“Good,” Tobin replies with a smile, as she saunters up the stairs, “hot.” She smiles at Christen, “Hey, Chris, how’s it going?” </p><p>“Good,” Christen struggles to speak, unable to stop her eyes from looking at Tobin's abs that are glistening with water and sweat. Holy shit, she thinks, she is cut. “Good morning,” she says, quickly turning to face the flowers, “your Mom is showing me how to weed these.” </p><p>“Cool,” Tobin drawls, unaware that Christen had been staring at her and moves to stand on the other side of Cindy, “they’ve really gotten big, huh?” </p><p>“It’s all the late afternoon sun,” Cindy states, “did you eat breakfast?” </p><p>“Nah,” Tobin replies, “I’ll have something after I shower and stretch,” she says, “I’ll see you guys in a little bit. I was thinking of firing up the grill for lunch, sound good to you guys?” </p><p>“Of course,” Cindy agrees. </p><p>“Sounds good,” Christen says, “I actually stopped at the farmers market this morning, I brought you guys some fresh veggies.” </p><p>“Ooh,” Tobin’s eyes light up, “awesome, thanks. I can pay you back,” </p><p>Christen smiles and shakes her head, “You’re feeding me,” she says, willing herself to keep her eyes on Tobin’s face. </p><p>Tobin turns to look out at the garden in the yard, “Ma, when will the stuff we planted be ready?”</p><p>Cindy chuckles, “A couple more weeks,” </p><p>Christen takes the opportunity of Tobin looking away and Cindy working on the plants to look at her. Tobin’s wet hair is slicked back in her ponytail, stray hairs plastered to the side of her face. She’s still wet from the water and sweat, her sports bra clinging to her and Christen notices two small nipples poking against the material. She swallows hard as her eyes drift to Tobin’s torso, seeing how defined the muscles are. She has no idea how much Tobin works out or what she does, but she looks as if she is still in match form. Her eyes move down and her hips actually jerk a little, feeling a spasm of desire taking in Tobin’s legs. Those calves. God, she thinks, I can’t be thinking this way, she chastises herself, I can’t put a move on her. It’s not appropriate. It's not professional. She turns her attention back to the flowers, thinking she may need to hose herself down. </p><p>“I’ll be out in a bit,” Tobin announces after a moment and walks into the house. </p><p>Christen is unaware that Cindy had been giving her discreet looks, smiling to herself when she sees Christen’s expression. </p><p>Cindy notes to herself that there is something definitely there between her and Tobin. She’s had the feeling that Tobin likes her, it’s apparent with how her face lights up when she talks about Christen. She feels they both may be hesitant due to the circumstances, but she now that she’s aware that Christen is reciprocating those feelings, Cindy is determined to do something about it. </p><p>If it’s the last thing she does. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You all are the best. </p><p>I have written this with selfish intentions- wanting to put scenarios and phrases and some experiences down in hopes it would settle that part of me that needs healing. The idea hit to make this a story suitable for this platform and share it in hopes that maybe someone would get a release from it as well. Even if it's just by having a good cry. </p><p>I did not expect the heartfelt comments you have shared. It humbles me and touches my heart. </p><p>I'm grateful for you all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>July</strong>
</p>
<p>“Ladies,” Cindy announces to her friends, “I have something important to talk about.” </p>
<p>The five women are sitting around the table on the deck, enjoying the afternoon. Tobin is currently on the riding mower, wearing a straw cowboy hat with earplugs stuck in her head as she navigates around front yard. It’s a Wednesday, Christen isn’t here, so they have the deck to themselves. </p>
<p>“Are you in pain? Is it getting worse?” Her sister anxiously asks. </p>
<p>Cindy shakes her head, “I’m not in pain right now,” she states, “but it is getting worse. But that’s not what I want to discuss.” </p>
<p>“What is it?” Sally inquires. </p>
<p>Cindy looks around the table, “I just know Tobin and Christen have a crush on each other,” she says knowingly, “and I know neither of them will act on it.” </p>
<p>“How do you know?” Meg asks, looking at her intently. </p>
<p>“Oh sis,” Cindy chuckles, “pay attention to how they look at each other. The heart eyes are real,” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Sally chimes in, “didn’t you see how they were at Tobin’s birthday party? They were together the whole time, you could totally tell,” </p>
<p>“Except the two of them haven’t figured it out,” Cindy sighs, “we have to do something because neither one of them will,” she finishes, looking around at everyone. </p>
<p>“How do you know that?” Meg asks, she’s still a step behind and uncertain if her sister is just being wishful and wants Tobin to not be alone when she passes. </p>
<p>“If I had to hazard a guess, in the months I’ve known Christen,” Cindy states, “I feel deep down that her own sense of professionalism will not let her get involved with a client’s family member. I can just feel it.” </p>
<p>“And Tobin?” Meg follows up. </p>
<p>“She won’t let herself be distracted from taking care of me.” Cindy states with a frown. “The poor thing broke up with her girlfriend and uprooted her life in Portland to come here and now she meets someone she likes and won’t pursue it because she doesn’t want to offend me by going out on dates,” </p>
<p>“How do you know that?” her sister asks, leaning in close. </p>
<p>“Because I know Tobin,” Cindy replies with a certainty they believe, “and I know she feels conflicted even going out to get a coffee in town and being away from me.” </p>
<p>“She is devoted to you,” Sally notes with a frown, “she just loves you so much.” </p>
<p>“I can understand how she feels,” Meg nods, “I know I felt that way when our Mom was dying, I didn’t want to leave,”</p>
<p>“Yes, and I’m blessed by her,” Cindy states, “but I will not let my impending death prevent her from finding happiness,” she says, “y’all need to watch how they interact with each other. You’ll see it in an instant. It’s adorable and they both sneak looks thinking nobody is watching and they’re just dancing around each other, too stubborn to do anything about it.” </p>
<p>“How can we help?” her friend Julie asks, looking thoughtful. </p>
<p>“We need to put our figure out how these two can get together. Our lunch date only started it,” she states, “and it was obvious to them, so we need to devise a more sophisticated plan.” </p>
<p>“They’re both smart women,” Sally states, looking around the table thoughtfully at the women, “so we need to come up with something good,” she gives them a head nod and rubs her hands together. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin is sleeping peacefully upstairs in her bed, when she hears her Mom’s frantic voice calling her. She whips off the thin blanket and bounds out of bed, not even pausing to grab her glasses. She thumps down the stairs, quickly turning the corner in the dark to trot barefoot through the living room and then the kitchen to the sunroom. Breathless, she enters the room to find her Mom sleeping peacefully. Tobin lets out a breath and rubs her hand over her face with frustration, this has been happening multiple times a night, disrupting her sleep. Slowly she exits the room, walking up the stairs and then using the bathroom before returning to her bed. </p>
<p>It’s so realistic, she thinks as she lays there, unable to fall back asleep, I swear that was her voice. I’m going to have to bring my iPad up here at night so I can see the monitor and see if she’s really awake. She rolls on her side, trying to get comfortable and lets out a deep sigh. Am I going nuts, she wonders, am I hearing things that aren’t there? </p>
<p>Tobin rolls onto her back again, letting her arms and leg spread out beneath the blanket and focuses on deep breathing. She’s done some yoga during her playing days, mostly for the stretching benefits, but she also likes the meditation aspect of it as well. Only it’s not working tonight. Try as she might to relax and settle down, Tobin just can’t seem to stop the thoughts racing through her mind. Aggravated and so tired yet wide awake, she leaves her bed, grabbing her pillow and blanket and heading downstairs to the living room to lay on the couch. </p>
<p>Eventually she drifts off into an uncomfortable sleep, dreaming of her Mom falling and hurting herself. Then that morphs into a dream of her Mom lying in the hospital bed, begging Tobin to give her something because she’s in so much pain. Tobin wakes bolting upright, panting and drenched in a cold sweat. Blinking a few times, she brings her hand to her face and finds it wet with tears. She yawns and looks around the room, noticing the light filtering in from the windows. </p>
<p>She shivers as she slowly leaves the couch and quietly heads up the stairs to shower and change her clothes and start her day. When she comes back down and into the kitchen, she quietly starts a pot of coffee, needing something to help her shake the sleep from her. She eats breakfast quietly at the kitchen table, scrolling through her phone, smiling at her friends IG posts. She vows to make more of an effort to stay in touch. She speaks regularly with Allie and Alex, yet not as much with Kelley, HAO, Ash and others. A flash of guilt washes over her for not being a good friend and she vows to work on it more. </p>
<p>After she finishes eating, Tobin places her dish in the sink and tip toes into the sunroom where her Mom is sleeping peacefully. She quietly unlocks the back door, not opening, but just leaving it unlocked. She leaves the room and enters the kitchen, pouring another cup of coffee for herself and then enters the living room. She quietly unlocks the front door and steps out onto the porch. </p>
<p>She sits on the steps for a couple of minutes, looking out at the expansive front yard and the quiet road. She smiles as she remembers being a kid and getting excited hearing a car approaching. She would stop whatever she was doing to watch for the vehicle and wave as they passed. There weren’t many homes along the road back then, just the houses of the farmers spaced a couple of miles apart. She stands and stretches, extending her arms above her head, yawning loudly. Then she picks up her mug of coffee and walks around the house to the garage. </p>
<p>It’s a little after seven and Christen usually arrives at nine. Her Mom has been sleeping until around ten thirty or eleven, so last week was nice to hang out and just talk with her. Tobin discovered she’s fun to talk with about soccer, loving how Christen breaks down a match from the perspective as a fan. It’s eye opening how much she notices the nuances of the game. How the build up would start, how players positioned themselves both on and off the ball. She’s knowledgeable in the game yet spoke it almost in another language. She doesn’t use the soccer terms Tobin grew up with. It’s cool. </p>
<p>They also opened up a little more, getting more personal with each other. Tobin didn’t state the exact reason, just that it became obvious to her that Mary was more interested in being on Tobin’s arm at events than being Tobin’s girlfriend now she no longer played. Tobin told her how easy it was for her to break up with her, changing the lock on the door, suddenly not trusting the woman she was with for two years. She was proven correct when Mary showed up at the condo weeks ago. </p>
<p>Christen shared how her last relationship ended amicably, the woman she was seeing, Vero, had an opportunity to return to her home country of Spain and start her own medical practice in her hometown. Christen was a little hurt yet knew for the four years they were together that this was her dream. She had no desire to move overseas and their relationship was in a place where marriage was on the table. It was bittersweet and sad yet she was happy that Vero was finally able to pursue her dream. This had all happened when Christen was in her third year working at the ER and the pressure and skills needed for the job helped ease her emotions. She’s dated a few times yet is single and not presently seeing anyone. </p>
<p>When Christen appeared last Friday, she talked about how the other woman she was caring for was beginning to fail and her death was nearing. Tobin could hear the sorrow in her voice as she spoke about the woman’s family and how kind they were. She explained how she couldn’t speak in specifics due to HIPPA laws but was able to give Tobin enough of the story for her to get an idea of what the lady was like. </p>
<p>Tobin found it touching how affected Christen was, it made her feel something deep inside with how committed she was about her job. Tobin felt it wasn’t just a job to her, it was a passion done with an intensity and personal investment. She never got the impression that Christen was trying to make up for the loss of her own Mom, yet she was so touched by the care her Mom received, she wanted to pay it forward. </p>
<p>Now Tobin is in the garage, the big door open, allowing the sun to brighten the inside. She’s got her iPad monitoring her Mom, waiting for her to wake up. She’s sitting at the low table doing a sketch of an idea for a painting she’s been thinking about. Her phone alerts her to a text and she picks it up to see it’s Christen. </p>
<p>
  <em>Christen Press: Good morning, I’m sorry, but I’m running a little behind. I’ll be there about ten, okay?</em>
</p>
<p><em>Tobin: Of course. See ya later</em> </p>
<p>Tobin grins at Christen’s insistence on using proper grammar and punctuation in her messages. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin steps out of the garage to greet Christen as she pulls up and parks next to Tobin’s truck. As soon as she gets out of her car, Tobin can tell something is wrong just from her body language. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Christen greets, her voice subdued and her face withdrawn. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin says softly, seeing how upset she looks, “are you alright?” </p>
<p>Christen nods her head vigorously and doesn’t look convincing. </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin says tenderly, worried about her. </p>
<p>“She passed away this morning,” Christen says hurriedly, her voice cracking and a tear streaking down her cheek. </p>
<p>“Oh,” Tobin frowns, stepping close and pulling her in to a hug, holding her tightly. She does it without thinking, it’s just an instinct to comfort her. She feels Christen step in closer, exhaling loudly and then resting her head on Tobin’s shoulder. She begins to cry and Tobin lightly strokes her back, slowly swaying side to side. She holds her closely, letting her head fall and rest on her shoulder, one hand on her back and the other cradling the back of her head. </p>
<p>Christen melts in Tobin’s strong hold, feeling safe. They stay this way for almost ten minutes until Christen pulls back, wiping her eyes and looking embarrassed. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” Tobin says genuinely, tilting her head as she looks at her, “did you get any sleep?” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head and sniffs, “No,” she says. </p>
<p>Tobin nods while she’s biting her lower lip. “Come on,” she says, taking Christen’s hand and slowly walking to the front of the house. “How about you take a nap for a little bit,” she suggests as they climb the front steps.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t,” Christen shakes her head, “your Mom,” </p>
<p>“My Mom will still be here,” Tobin interrupts kindly, “you, however, look like you’re going to fall over. You need to sleep a little, do you want something to eat first?” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “I’m not hungry right now,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods as she opens the front door, “Come on,” she says and leads her in the house. She leads her up the stairs to her room where she drops her hand and hurriedly makes her bed, “Oh,” she realizes, “uh, you can sleep in one of the guest rooms,” </p>
<p>“This is fine,” Christen mumbles and takes a deep breath, the exhaustion overcoming her. Tobin gently lifts her bag from her shoulder and sets it on the floor next to the dresser while Christen sits on the edge of the bed. </p>
<p>“I usually can keep it together until I get home,” she says quietly, looking at her. She wants to explain herself, she wants her know she’s not like this all the time. </p>
<p>“This has to be the hardest part of your job,” Tobin says sympathetically, letting out a small sigh. </p>
<p>“It’s never easy,” she admits, thankful she’s so understanding, even if she doesn’t know the details and she's very thankful Tobin is not asking her a million questions right now. </p>
<p>Tobin wants to hold her again, let her know she’s there for her. She can only imagine how hard it must for her to care for someone, invest such time with them and they pass away. Like she is doing for her Mom right now. It sobers her and holds her back from acting on her instinct and she stands up, reaching out to take her hand, “Come on,” she says, pulling her up and making her step back from the bed, “sack out for awhile, we’re not going anywhere,” she says, pulling back the light blanket for her. </p>
<p>She patiently holds the edge of the blanket while Christen slips off her sandals and slides into the bed. She gives her a soft smile, “Sleep,” she gently urges her as she covers her, “if you want to take a shower, help yourself to any of my clothes, okay?” </p>
<p>Christen rolls on her side, giving Tobin a sleepy look, “Thank you,” she says, looking fragile, as if she might start crying again. She wants to ask Tobin to stay but she feels it would be too much. It would be crossing the line. She shuts her eyes and hears Tobin say she’ll see her later and then she hears the quiet click of the door shutting. She inhales deeply, smelling the mix Tobin’s body wash and unique scent and fresh detergent and finds it almost as comforting as when she was hugging her. Before she can analyze anything what happened between them, she falls asleep. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No Christen?” Cindy asks as Tobin brings in a mug of coffee and some toast and sets it on the table for her. </p>
<p>“Ah, she’s here,” Tobin says, quirking her mouth, “she had a rough night, didn’t get any sleep, so she’s upstairs taking a nap,” </p>
<p>“Oh, the poor dear,” Cindy murmurs, pulling the plate close, “I’m sure her hours must get crazy sometime,” she says, frowning. “I hope she has a good support system,” she murmurs, giving Tobin a curious look that Tobin decides to ignore. </p>
<p>“What do you say we get outside?” Tobin proposes, changing the subject, “I want to clean the grill for this weekend,” she says, “and I know you want to have the flowers ship shape,” </p>
<p>Today is Tuesday and Saturday is the Fourth of July and her Mom’s friends are coming over for a while. Kelley O’Hara will be in town, Sky Blue is playing the Red Stars Friday night and she’s coming over to spend the night. Perry and Jeffrey and Shaina will be here as well. </p>
<p>“That sounds good,” she agrees, “I want to check the flowers out back behind the garage,” she gives Tobin an excited look, “Shaina is going to freak out,” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “Yeah she is,” she nods, “that was the best idea ever Mom,” she says genuinely. When Shaina and Jeffrey spoke of having the wedding here over Labor Day weekend and then asked Tobin about checking into some things, Tobin had asked her Mom about florists. When she explained it was for the wedding and Shaina had given her some basic ideas and was really flexible, her Mom suggested they grow them here at the house. </p>
<p>The two poured over her Mom’s books on flowers and selected ones Shaina had mentioned she liked and added other varieties they thought would be perfect. They are staging the planting of the various flowers to be blooming at the perfect time. Tobin went out the next afternoon after everyone had left and purchased a small roto tiller and they began. Tobin has been watering it frequently and her Mom comes out to help her weed it. The first round of flowers are coming up nicely, growing in height and spreading out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin is washing their plates from lunch when she hears footsteps coming down the stairs. Christen appears in the kitchen, still looking tired and subdued, but she’s wearing one of Tobin’s shirts and a pair of her Nike shorts and her brain almost stops working by how good she looks with her damp hair curly and wild against her shirt. </p>
<p>“Hey,” she greets, offering her a small smile, “get some rest?” </p>
<p>“I did,” Christen smiles gratefully, stepping closer to her, “thank you,” she says, “I needed that.”</p>
<p>“Any time,” Tobin says genuinely, looking at her intently, “seriously.” </p>
<p>Christen nods, giving her another soft look, “Thanks,” she says quietly and then takes a deep breath, “is Cindy up?” </p>
<p>“Taking a nap,” Tobin informs her, “we got outside and worked in the yard after breakfast,” she explains, “so she’s crashing for a bit,” </p>
<p>Christen hums, watching as Tobin turns and walks to the fridge, her hand on the handle of the door, “You have to be starving,” she says.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m kind of hungry,” Christen admits.</p>
<p>“Come check out what we have,” Tobin invites as she swings the door open. </p>
<p>While Christen is eating the sandwich she insisted on creating, Tobin is sitting across from her, munching on some carrot sticks. </p>
<p>“You always eat this healthy?” Christen asks with a little smirk, plucking a chip from her plate and crunching it. </p>
<p>“Not all the time,” Tobin sighs and covers her mouth as she yawns, “I’m just tired and didn’t feel like making something big,” </p>
<p>Christen looks at her with concern, “Are you feeling okay?” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “I just think it’s me not getting enough sleep,” she admits, “I keep waking up at night,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Keep thinking you hear your Mom?” she asks quietly, having a feeling she knows what Tobin is going through. </p>
<p>Tobin looks surprised, “Well, yeah,” she says, sitting up from her slouch in the chair, “how’d you know?” </p>
<p>Christen quirks her mouth, tilting her head to the side a little, “I did the same with my Mom,” </p>
<p>Tobin sucks in her lower lip and nods, suddenly looking even more tired, “Does it get better?” </p>
<p>Christen reaches her hand across the table, lightly placing her fingers on Tobin’s forearm, looking at her wistfully, “I still hear my Mom sometimes,” she admits, giving her a sad smile, “it’s much less now,” she says, “but it still happens every once in a while,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, shifting her eyes down, looking rather forlorn. </p>
<p>“But you have the monitor, right?” Christen asks, honestly wanting to help her.</p>
<p>“I do,” she nods. </p>
<p>“Has it helped?” </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a wry smile, “I look at it and still go check,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “I know what that’s like,” she says.</p>
<p>“I’ve been sleeping on the couch now,” Tobin shares, “it kinda sucks, but I like being closer.” </p>
<p>“What about sleeping in her room? In a real bed?” </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a tight lipped look as she shakes her head. Christen nods, she gets it, she does. She finishes her sandwich and offers Tobin a chip with a small grin. Tobin takes it and smiles as she crunches it. </p>
<p>“What about the study?” Christen asks. </p>
<p>“What about it?” Tobin asks, following how Christen stands up. </p>
<p>“Can we go look at it?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Tobin shrugs and leads her out of the kitchen to the room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christen stands in the room, her eyes scanning it. “If we move the chairs a bit closer in front of the desk, I bet we could get a twin or a full size bed in here,” </p>
<p>Tobin looks at where she’s pointing, liking how she was inclusive with her wording. She said we, she smiles a little, feeling touched at how she wants to help. Silently she moves to the farthest chair, lifting it from the sides and pushing it closer to the impressive desk. “This much?” she questions, watching as Christen pushes the other chair over. </p>
<p>She turns to look at the space, “I think so,” she says, “my sister ordered a folding metal bed frame off Amazon,” she states, still looking at the space, “it’s the same height as a regular bed and you don’t need to buy a box spring,” she turns to her, “it’s really nice.” </p>
<p>The idea of being down here at night is growing on Tobin, “I like this,” she says, taking a few steps and standing next to her, “this is a good idea,” she turns to her, “thanks.” </p>
<p>Christen smiles at her, “I just want you comfortable,” she says sincerely, “this isn’t easy,” she gives her a grave look, “and you getting good sleep is important,” </p>
<p>Tobin steps closer and hugs her, “Thank you,” she says, her voice muffled, her head on Christen’s shoulder and in her hair. Christen rubs Tobin’s back lightly, “You’re welcome,” </p>
<p>They’re stull hugging when Tobin pulls back to look at her. “So, did you figure out what you wanted to do for the Fourth?”</p>
<p>“I’d like to come,” she replies, “it’ll be fun and it would be great for the dogs,” Last week Christen commented about how much she hated the Fourth of July due to her neighbors blowing off fireworks for days on end, upsetting her dogs terribly. Since the holiday fell on a Saturday, Friday would be just as bad as the actual fourth. Tobin invited her and the dogs out for the weekend, she told her since the next house was a mile away, they weren’t bothered by loud fireworks. She convinced her it would be no problem for her Mom and siblings to look after the pups if they wanted to go to the Friday Chicago game. They could bring Kelley back for the weekend.  </p>
<p>“I was thinking though,” Christen continues, “would you mind if I could come Thursday night? Let the dogs get settled before I leave for hours the next day and they could get used to everyone?” She truly wants to do this because of the dogs although she won’t lie to herself that she is also very much looking forward to spending more time with Tobin.  </p>
<p>“That would be great!” Tobin nods, happy she’s going to be here for the weekend. She only hopes Kelley behaves herself. Kelley knows Tobin is struggling with how much she likes Christen and she doesn’t want her to push either one of them. She informs her about Kelley coming with them back to the house after the game and Christen smiles slyly at her, telling her that Kelley had texted her about it. They had been keeping in touch since reconnecting at Tobin’s birthday party. </p>
<p>“That’s so cool,” Tobin enthuses, genuinely happy for both of them. </p>
<p>Christen encourages Tobin to consider the menu for the weekend and insists on bringing food and contributing some of the meals. They sit at the kitchen table, planning the meals, Christen injecting some ideas of what she could make and Tobin adding them to the list. Tobin grabs her laptop and pulls up Amazon and finds the bed frame Christen was telling her about and orders it. She says she’ll go into town and pick up a mattress soon. Cindy wakes while they’re finishing up and they ask for her opinion and input. She reviews the meal list with Christen while Tobin prepares her lunch. </p>
<p>Christen takes Cindy’s vitals and charts the results, chatting with her while Cindy eats. Tobin informs Cindy how Christen will be joining them Thursday to avoid her dogs being scared and uncomfortable. Cindy is delighted she’s joining them and asks how Christen usually celebrates the holiday. </p>
<p>“I’m usually working,” she replies, “back when I was in the ER, it was a busy night. Now that I’m doing this and I’ve got the dogs, we usually just hole up with the TV on pretty loud, trying to limit the noise from outside.” </p>
<p>“Well, you’ll still hear them out here,” Cindy says, “but they’ll be from a distance,” </p>
<p>“We can see so many displays from the yard,” Tobin joins in, “if we sit in the yard by the firepit, they’re all to the east,”</p>
<p>“That sounds cool,” Christen nods, “I’m excited.” </p>
<p>“We’re excited to have you, dear,” Cindy says warmly, giving her a smile. The wheels begin to turn as some ideas come to mind with the two of them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>An hour later, Christen and Tobin are the front door, Christen with her bag on her shoulder. She hugs Tobin, “Thank you,” she says sincerely, “for today.” </p>
<p>Tobin squeezes her closer, “No problem,” she says, her voice low, “glad I could help,” </p>
<p>They step apart, giving each other shy smiles, both feeling emotions for another under the surface. </p>
<p>“I’ll see ya Thursday,” Tobin grins, “just come whenever,” </p>
<p>“I’ll text you when we’re on our way,” Christen smiles back. She opens the door and looks over her shoulder, giving Tobin another smile, “Bye,” </p>
<p>Tobin watches her walk around to the side of the house and shuts the door. She’s amazing, she thinks, I’m so screwed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christen can’t stop smiling at how wonderful and sweet Tobin is. She’s so caring, she was so concerned for me, just content to hold me and not try to make me talk about it. She could sense I just needed to be held for a little bit. I really like being in her arms, she makes me feel safe. I’ve missed it. I really want to kiss her, she’s so attractive. How she takes care of her Mom of pretty amazing. Christen is beginning to think maybe she could manage this if something were to happen between them. Then it hits her that Tobin lives in Portland and she’s only staying here for her Mom right now. She bites her lip as she thinks about that. She sighs noisily, frowning at the situation. But I like her so much. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After making sure Cindy has what she needs, Tobin heads out in her truck to the lumberyard. She wants to make a couple of wooden benches to put around the firepit. She’s already downloaded the design from a woodworking website that enthused it would be a rather easy task. She feels pretty confident she can do it. She thought she’d stop by the feedstore and say hey to the guys, but she wants to get home and start her project. Plus, she doesn’t want to leave her Mom home alone for too long.  </p>
<p>As she drives, she thinks about Christen. She knew instantly something was wrong this morning, Chris looked so upset. It felt natural to Tobin to comfort her, she wanted to, she hated seeing Chris so upset. She’s not kidding herself thinking how nice it was to hold her, to feel her in her arms. She smiles as she pictures how nice it would be to snuggle close to Christen, watching the fire and enjoying that closeness with her.</p>
<p>She swings her Mom’s pickup truck into the lumber yard parking lot, hopping out of the large vehicle and smiling as she thinks how much fun it is to drive. It’s much higher than her SUV and she likes how it handles. The engine is much more powerful and is so responsive. She finds the lumber desk and waits a minute to be helped, then gives her list of materials to the employee. While she’s waiting for her lumber to be pulled, she finds herself in the paint section and impulsively buys five gallons of bright colors thinking it would fun to paint the finished benches with her Mom. She chose colors that would pop and accent the colorful flowers they’ve planted. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Meanwhile, at the house, Cindy is on the phone, talking to Sally and her sister Meg at the same time. </p>
<p>“Okay, this is it,” she says excitedly, “this should be the first big step to get them together,” </p>
<p>“Tobin and Christen?” Meg asks, knowing from her sister’s tone, the excitement it carries would be reserved for her plan. </p>
<p>“Yes,” she confirms, “now here’s what I’m thinking…” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Thursday, July 2</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“This is amazing,” Shaina whispers, her eyes wide as she scans the large flowerbed, eying it as she sees the greenery coming up from the soil, then she turns to Cindy, “These will be ready for the wedding?” </p><p>Shaina, Jeffrey, Cindy and Tobin are behind the garage viewing the flowers Tobin and Cindy have planted to be used for the wedding. </p><p>Cindy nods, leaning on her cane, “They sure will,” she confirms. “We added some other varieties, so you have more choices,” </p><p>“We figure we can cut them the day before and make the bouquets,” Tobin adds, giving her brother a grin. </p><p>“You guys are the best,” he beams, giving his Mom a gentle side hug, “this is unreal, thank you.” </p><p>“Do you guys think you want a trellis?” Tobin asks, “I found the plans to make one on the web,” she explains, “it wouldn’t be hard.” </p><p>“That would be cool,” Jeffrey nods. He’s been on top of the wedding planning, going over the food trucks with Tobin, confirming the large tent and tables and chairs. He and Tobin have talked for hours about the wedding and usually Shaina would join them, but sometimes not. They agreed to use the driveway in front of the garage as the dance area and place the bar closer to the house under a tent yet still on the asphalt drive. </p><p>Cindy smiles at his response, her and Tobin were discussing the trellis, deciding if they liked the idea, they would make it and transplant some of the existing fully grown ivy on the property to crawl on it. They’d pick up some hanging flowering plants, like clematis for a little color. Tobin grins back at her, maybe her and Jeff could work on it tomorrow during the day. It would be cool to build it with him. </p><p> </p><p>Christen arrived only minutes after they finished eating dinner on the back deck. The group watched as she parked next to Tobin’s truck, Tobin jumping up and skipping down the deck stairs to greet her. </p><p>“Hey!” she says excitedly, her grin wide. </p><p>“Hi!” Christen replies, just as excited. Last night she began to seriously second guess herself and considered if this was something she should be doing. Staying at patient’s house with their family. She was so worked up about it she called her partner Christie for advice. Her and Christie both had the same mindset about hospice care, it was a passion. Christie was one of the nurses who worked with Christen’s mom and the two formed a fast friendship. When Christen was looking to possibly join that company, Christie came to her with an idea. </p><p>They formed their own company, just four of them, taking on a smaller case load than the businesses in the industry. They followed all of the proper HIPPA laws, hired one of Christie’s best friends who was a stay at home Mom with an accounting degree that took care of the Medicare paperwork, the taxes, and the numbers. After a year, they added two more nurses, both of them wound care professionals to expand their services and profit margin. Presently, their staff was up to eight, five nurses and three CNAs that felt the same solemnity in the process of dying. Christen was in a position to have a light workload, Christie as well. They all liked the setup, intentionally keeping their business less corporate than most other hospice services. They were unique in the industry and were kept plenty busy just by word of mouth. Christen had kept Christie in the loop about her growing feelings for Tobin and the quandry she found herself in. The slightly older blond always listened with care, seeing the big picture and asking Christen the tough questions to consider. Christen was at peace to let her emotions see where things would with lead Tobin, her attraction to her was undeniable. </p><p>“Hi puppies!” Tobin exclaims, seeing the dogs struggling to get in the passenger seat from the back of the car. Christen came around and opened the door, letting them exit, “Sereana, sit.” She commands the smaller tan canine, nodding approvingly when she does. “Morena, come,” she coaxes the larger shaggy brown dog from the vehicle. The dog sits on the driveway once it’s out of the car, looking expectantly at Tobin with a wagging tail. Christen is pleased they’re behaving so nicely. They’re good dogs. </p><p>“Can I?” Tobin eyes Christen, waiting for her to nod before stepping close and extending her hand to Morena. It doesn’t take long for Tobin to be down on one knee while giggling as the dogs lick at her face. </p><p>“They’re so friendly,” Tobin grins up at Christen, her eyes alight with joy as she pets both animals, a giggle in her voice. Christen is once again melting at the sight. When she straightens up and stands, Christen asks her to retrieve a small cooler from the floor of the passenger seat while she takes the pooches up on the deck to introduce them to the Heath family. Tobin smiles as Christen is welcomed like family with hugs from them all, all of them genuinely happy to see her again. </p><p>Perry, Katie and Jeffrey all had such praise of her after Tobin’s birthday. They made Tobin blush with happiness they went on and on about how sweet and kind she is, how she was so awesome with their Mom and so professional and smart. They thought she had a great sense of humor and had such interesting conversations with her about a variety of topics.<br/>
The dogs calm down after greeting everyone and find a place on the deck to lay down, keeping an eye open on the festivities. </p><p>“Have you eaten dear?” Cindy questions her, “We’ve just finished up, but I know there’s plenty.” </p><p>“Thank you, I already did Cindy,” Christen replies with a smile, “but I did bring dessert,” she wiggles her eyebrows. </p><p>“Ooh!” Perry exclaims, “What did you bring?” she stands up and moves closer. It’s fairly well known that Perry has the biggest sweet tooth in the family. Christen takes the cooler from Tobin and Perry opens the door for her and follows her into the house. </p><p> </p><p>“You made these?” Christen asks, leaving her mouth hang open at the sight of the benches spread around the firepit. </p><p>“Uh huh,” Tobin admits quietly, giving her a little shrug. </p><p>“These are amazing,” she says, walking around to look at the front of one, “Tobin!” she exclaims, smiling at her, “Seriously, this is so pretty.” She sits down in it, wiggling her butt to get comfortable. </p><p>“Mom and I painted them,” Tobin offers, coming around to sit next to her, leaving plenty of room between them. She knows there’s eyes on them from the deck. Morena and Sereana are sniffing the grass around the firepit. </p><p>“What a great idea,” Christen nods, running her hand along the armrest, “you did a terrific job,” she bobs her head, pushing herself back and leaning on the backrest, closing her eyes. She issues a sigh that comes out as a low moan, “This is nice,” she murmurs, “so comfy,”<br/>
Tobin swallows at the sight and the sound she just made. Her eyes are transfixed on Christen’s face and slowly slides down to view her neck. Tobin clears the throat, “It’s peaceful,” she states, moving and leaning back in the seat. </p><p>“Hey guys!” Perry calls from the deck, “Want something to drink?” </p><p>Tobin turns to look at Christen, “Want a beer?” </p><p>“Sure,” she grins. </p><p>Tobin twists to look at her sister, “Two Live Oaks, please!”</p><p>“Got it!” She calls back, disappearing into the house. Tobin sees the others are standing and moving and hears Jeffrey say something about a fire. </p><p>“I’ll be right back,” Tobin murmurs, quietly leaving her seat and retrieving some kindling she has under the tarp covering the wood rack. </p><p>“Let me help,” Christen says from her side, giving her a grin. </p><p>“Oh, sure,” she says, “want to grab a load of small stuff and I’ll get a few logs?” </p><p>Christen nods and gets to work, holding her load when Tobin approaches the firepit. “Where do you want this?” she asks. </p><p>“Uh, just set it on the ledge,” Tobin directs, “we’ll use that to get it going,” </p><p>“Are you going to build a teepee?” Christen asks curiously. </p><p>“We can,” Tobin shrugs, “however you want.” </p><p>Perry appears with their beers, setting them in the cupholders of the arms of the bench they were sitting on. Jeffrey brings a load of wood over and Shaina is walking slowly with Cindy to join them. They settle in with their drinks and watch as Christen and Tobin stack the wood, leaving the opening on the side of the teepee to allow air in. They stuff the twigs and thin sticks in with Tobin adding some balled up newspaper and soon the flames are licking at the logs. Dusk is settling on them creating a mellow mood.<br/>
They chuckle as the dogs chase each other around the yard, then getting distracted and chasing the fireflies, leaping in the air as they attempt to capture the lightning bugs. </p><p>“How long have you had the dogs?” Perry questions Christen. </p><p>“About three years,” she replies, “I found them at the rescue in town,” she says, “their owner had passed away and they were having trouble finding someone to take them as a pair.” </p><p>“Did you rename them?” Shaina asks, “They’re names are interesting,” </p><p>Christen shakes her head, “No, I didn’t,” she replies, “I think they were named after characters from a book,” </p><p>“How old were they when you got them?” Cindy asks, leaning over and petting Morena who has decided to sit next to her. </p><p>“They were both about a year or two old,” she replies, “housebroken and all that. I didn’t have to do much,” </p><p>“Shai wants a dog,” Jeffrey grins, “but she wants a little one, I want a big one,” </p><p>“Well,” Christen grins, “I instantly fell in love with their personalities, size didn’t matter,” she shrugs, “maybe you just have to meet the right one.” </p><p>“Oh, I like her,” Shaina nods, lifting her beer bottle across the firepit, “Good answer,” </p><p>Christen beams back at her and she lifts her beer and toasts it towards her and they both drink. </p><p>Talk shifts to sharing stories of past Fourth of July parties and trying to pick the best ones. Shaina shares how her family would go south to her uncle’s farm and how they’d ride horses and play in the barns and at night her uncle’s would put on the huge fireworks display and the neighbors would come over and it was so fun. Perry and Jeffrey agree that the ones in Rhode Island with their grandparents were the best, going on about how they loved going clamming in the mornings along the shore and then how the sky lit up from the fireworks being set off on a barge not far from shore. Cindy talks about how when she young they did the exact same thing at the house and she always knew she wanted her own kids to experience it. </p><p>“Christen, what’s your favorite memory?” Cindy asks, wanting to include her. </p><p>Christen smiles, “It’s silly,” she says, feeling suddenly shy. </p><p>“Aw, come on,” Tobin encourages, giving her a slight elbow nudge. </p><p>Christen looks at her and sees how Tobin’s eyes are bright with anticipation, “Okay,” she says, straightening up in her seat. “I grew up in California,” she begins, “and our neighbors would go wild setting off fireworks that night. We always had a block party and when it came time, us little kids would sit with our parents on the front lawn and watch. The best part was the next day,” she grins, “Me and my sisters and my friends would get up and ride our bikes up and down the street, looking along the curb for any firecrackers that didn’t explode. Then we would go behind the school and set them off.” </p><p>“That’s awesome,” Tobin grins, “I can just picture this gang of kids searching the gutters and then being sneaky and go set them off.” </p><p>Christen gives out this cute giggle, “That’s exactly what we did!” </p><p>“What about you, Tobes?” Jeffrey questions, “What’s your best memory?”  </p><p>Tobin shrugs in her seat, then leans forward and tosses another log on the fire, “I mean, I remember them from when I was really little and they were like almost magical…” she begins hesitantly, taking a long pull from her nearly empty beer. </p><p>“I sense a but,” Perry looks over at her, “come on,” she encourages. </p><p>Christen can sense how uncomfortable she is, it just radiates from her. She shifts in her seat, curling a leg a little and intentionally letting her bare foot rest against Tobin’s knee, hoping the contact is reassuring. </p><p>“Well, with soccer, I stopped going when I was what, ten, Mom?” Tobin shrugs again and her Mom nods, a slight frown on her face. “But I think my best memory as a kid is in Rhode Island with Grandma and Grandpa and they let us stay up super late and all the fireworks were going off and it was just awesomel.” Tobin smiles fondly at the memory, “Like, Jeff, you and I were skateboarding in the driveway and it was dark and,” she shrugs, “it was like we got to do all the things Mom wouldn’t let us do normally.” </p><p>Cindy chuckles, “And you all slept in late and it was such a nice quiet breakfast the next day,” she laughs. </p><p>It’s then that it hits Christen how Tobin had to sacrifice so much family time from with her career. She lets out a little sigh, taking a drink to cover it and hoping Tobin doesn’t hear her. She considers how difficult that had to be, the birthdays, weddings and other events she had to have missed. She remembers hearing about her Dad passing away before the last Olympics and thinking how hard that had to been for her to deal with at the time. </p><p>“Tobin,” Perry says, her voice earnest, “you’ve had an amazing career,” she shakes her head, “and I never would have dreamed of traveling to all of those countries to watch you play,” </p><p>“Hell, I’ve lived my life vicariously through you,” Jeffrey laughs, “but seriously, I know you gave up so much family stuff for soccer and it sucked at times,” he says nodding at her, “but it makes this all so much more special. Having you here now,” he takes a deep breath, “it’s the best.” </p><p>Tobin gives the group a wide smile, her eyes lingering on Christen for just a fraction longer, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now,” she says. </p><p> </p><p>Tobin insists that Christen take one of the guest rooms when bedtime approaches. Perry is upstairs in one of the other guest rooms, Jeffrey and Shaina have taken the other one and Tobin is in her room. None of the kids want to sleep in their Mom’s room. Tobin lingers in Christen’s room, making sure the pillows are fluffed and asking again if the temperature is okay for her. Christen finds it endearing. The dogs are already on the bed, curled up on side. </p><p>“I’ll see ya tomorrow,” Tobin says, slowly edging towards the door.</p><p>“What time do you guys normally get up?” Christen asks. </p><p>“Well, I’m up early, you want to go for a run?” Tobin asks, her eyes looking hopeful. </p><p>“Yeah,” Christen grins at her, “just not, like, over five miles, okay?” </p><p>“Yeah, sure,” Tobin grins back, “that’s fine. See you at seven?” </p><p>“Seven it is,” Christen nods. “Good night,” </p><p>“Good night, Chris,” Tobin says, “sleep fast.” </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p>“They love this!” Christen huffs out as she runs next to Tobin. They’re running on the gravel path along one of the fields with both dogs off leash, running wildly with them. Morena is ducking into the corn field, scaring up birds and chasing them out, barking happily. Sereana is beside Christen, easily keeping pace. Christen is grateful she didn’t wear the sweatshirt, she’s sweating under the hot sun. Tobin was right that she’d get too warm for it. </p><p>Tobin goes right to the garage when they return, finding two plastic bowls and filling them with water from the hose for the dogs. The women cool down and stretch for a few minutes outside before going up the deck stairs and finding everyone in the kitchen, her Mom up bright and early and not wanting to miss anything. They all greet them heartily, Cindy telling them to shower quickly so they could join them. </p><p>Perry was setting plates of food on the table, giving the two a smile, “I just put on another pot of coffee,” </p><p>“Awesome,” Tobin grins and turns to Christen, “Do you need to feed the pups?” </p><p>Christen feels this rush of warmth in her chest and it’s not from her run, it’s from Tobin’s thoughtfulness. “I should,” she says, “where would be a good place for their bowls?” </p><p>“Pantry,” Tobin nods, “I put a water bowl in there last night,” </p><p>“Aw, thanks,” Christen says, unaware of everyone watching their exchange as they keep up their conversations at the table. </p><p>“Sure thing,” Tobin says, “Did you bring a bowl? I’m sure I could find another.” </p><p>“I’m all set,” Christen nods, “where did you put that black bag I brought?” </p><p>“Pantry,” Tobin grins. </p><p>“Perfect,” Christen nods and walks over to the pantry. Tobin watches with a smile only moving when Perry elbows her. “Shower.” </p><p>Tobin trots up the stairs to her room.</p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s after lunch and the group is in the driveway, making the trellis Tobin had promised for Shaina and Jeffrey’s wedding. Tobin had rolled one of the work benches out, using it to lay the plans out for them to refer to as they worked. Her and Jeffrey were cutting the pieces to the exact sixes, drilling holes where they indicate and handing them over to Christen who was using the power sander to smooth them down. Perry and Cindy were at the table they set up, a workspace created from sawhorses and an old door. They were wiping down the wood to free them from dust. Two card tables were in the shade with a tarp spread out beneath them awaiting the paint job. Perry would walk over each completed piece, setting it on the two by fours Tobin had laid out. </p><p>They had just finished the construction, having cut all of the wood and Christen had one last piece to sand when the sound of a vehicle pulling up the drive catches their attention. The SUV comes to a stop and the engine shuts off, the driver’s side door opening to reveal Katie’s husband sporting a huge grin. </p><p>“Hey, guys!” he waves, giving them a head nod and moving to the door behind him to open it up. </p><p>“Katie's here?” Perry yells in shock, rising from her chair to greet her sister. </p><p>Christen smiles as she watches them greet each other excitedly, Katie and her husband deciding to surprise them for the holiday. She sees Tobin is holding one of her nephews, he’s got a hand on each of her cheeks, talking to her a mile a minute. It’s adorable. Christen walks forward to say hello, Katie surprises her with a hug. Her husband hugs her as well and she squats down to meet the little boy clinging to Katie’s leg. </p><p>Jeffrey explains to them what they’re working on and steps back to it, wanting to start painting. Perry and Cindy move into the house, Katie and her family joining them to get settled. The two boys are enamored by the dogs, slowly sticking their hand out and giggling when they receive licks. The dogs are well behaved, not jumping, just wagging their tails. Christen keeps an eye on them, Tobin bringing the kids to the grass, throwing a ball for the dogs to chase and letting each of her nephews toss it as well. </p><p>Christen glances at her watch, they could be out here for another hour and then have plenty of time to get ready to leave for their match. Jeffrey gets the white paint opened and he stirs it vigorously, smiling as he works. Shaina hands a brush to Christen, giving her a nudge. </p><p>“She’s really great with kids,” she says, looking over as Tobin is chasing them and the dogs. </p><p>“They love their Auntie To-To,” Jeffrey says with a smile, glancing over and shaking his head. </p><p>“They’re so cute,” Christen smiles and then concentrates on the paint job.<br/>
“Don’t you guys have to leave soon?” Shaina asks her while she paints one of the slats. </p><p>“We have almost an hour before we should get ready,” Christen replies, “we’re not going to tailgate, just get there for the start of it.” </p><p>“Kelley’s coming back with you, right?” Jeffrey asks. </p><p>“Yes,” Christen grins, “I still can’t get over that we’ve reconnected. It’s been great.” </p><p>“She’s nuts,” Jeffrey laughs, “and I mean that in the best way,” </p><p>Christen laughs with him, “I know exactly what you mean,” </p><p>They see Tobin lead the kids into the house and she returns in a few minutes, “Sorry,” she says, petting Morena, “I think they’ll sleep tonight,” </p><p>Shaina rolls her eyes, “I think I will just from watching you run around like that,” </p><p>Tobin leans forward and finds a paint brush, moving next to Christen and begins painting the other end of the piece she’s working on. The four complete painting all of the pieces and clean up the paint mess and Tobin and Christen have plenty of time to shower and get ready for the match. </p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles as she watches Christen give the dogs a talk about being good while she’s gone. She thanks Cindy profusely for watching them and the woman smiles and jokes it’s<br/>
like adding a few more grandchildren, except these are furry ones. She assures her they’ll be fine and shoos them off. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Christen is grinning widely as she sees Kelley approaching and she stands up from the table. Tobin had purchased another sideline table to watch the match, claiming it was cool, close to the visitors’ bench and it helped the Red Stars and the league. She had rolled her eyes at that, once again insisting she was buying the tickets next match.<br/>
Chicago had beaten Sky Blue in a nail biter, 5-4. Kelley had scored twice, so did Paige Monaghan. Julie, Ertz, Morgan Brian and Morgan Weaver scored for the Red Stars, Julie connecting on a corner kick in the eighty-ninth minute for the win. It was a highly entertaining match. </p><p>“You were on fire!” Christen grins at Kelley who narrows her eyes at her, making a face at Christen’s Red Stars jersey. </p><p>“Thanks,” she nods, giving her a subdued smile, “we’ll get them next time,” she looks over down the pitch, “at least you weren’t being a complete traitor and sitting with your SG.”<br/>
Christen laughs, “We’re still figuring out how to keep Tobin from getting mobbed when she’s there,” </p><p>Kelley looks between the two for a split second, then chuckles, “So, Tobes,” she says, leaning against the barrier, “Em surprised me,” </p><p>“She’s here?” Tobin grins, looking around to see if she sees Kelley’s long time partner. </p><p>“She’s waiting by the gate,” Kelley shares, “so, uh, would it be cool if she came with us?” </p><p>“Of course!” Tobin says as she nods vigorously, “I haven’t seen her in ages.” </p><p>“Wait,” Christen interrupts, "Doesn't she have a game?” </p><p>“Nope,” Kelley grins at her, “tweaked her ankle last week,” she says, "convinced her coach to miss the game tonight," </p><p>A voice calls to Kelley and she turns, giving them a thumbs up. “I’ve got to go,” she says, “see you by the gate?” </p><p>Tobin nods, “I’ll drive around,” </p><p>It takes the two almost forty minutes to leave the stadium because Tobin keeps getting stopped by fans. Christen muses that word is probably out that Tobin has been spotted at games and fans are keeping their eyes open for and opportunity to meet her. She smiles as Tobin patiently signs autographs and takes photos with them, then kindly tells them she’ll be at another game soon, she has to leave. Christen is impressed with how she handles it, so gracefully, giving each person a moment of her time. </p><p>Tobin drives around the stadium to the front, letting her truck idle as they look through the windshield. She rolls her window down and leaning her head out, “Yo, Sonnet!” she shouts, flicking the lights. They see her near the players’ door turns and smiles, rapidly approaching them. </p><p>“Hi!” Tobin is out of her truck, giving her a hug.</p><p>“Christen?” Emily asks, as she peers into the vehicle. “Get out here!” she demands, leaving Tobin’s hug to trot around and hug her. Kelley appears from the doorway, jogging over to them. </p><p>“I’m starving!” she declares, “Can we hit that Portillo’s on the way to your house?” The hour ride back is spent catching up while Kelley devours a beef sandwich in the backseat. Christen is munching on fries and keeps swatting Tobin’s hand when she tries to steal some. </p><p>When they get back to the house, a rowdy card game is in progress around the kitchen table. Miss Sally and Aunt Meg have joined them and Tobin can tell all of them have been having a good time. They stop their game to greet Kelley and Emily enthusiastically, Aunt Meg suggesting doing a shot. The four newcomers join in and take a shot, Tobin insisting if she’s shooting anything, it’s Tullamore Dew. Christen lifts an eyebrow in suspicion. </p><p>“It’s really smooth,” Tobin assures her, “best whiskey out there.” </p><p>“If you say so,” she scrunches up her mouth. She’s not much of a whiskey girl, preferring beer or a mixed drink. A Live Oak is pressed in her hands and then a shot glass. They toast friendship and take the shot. It’s the smoothest whiskey she’s ever tasted. </p><p>“That is really good,” she admits, “is this the whiskey we had at your birthday party?” </p><p>Tobin smiles, “Yeah,” she says, remembering how Christen had sought her out, worried she was upset with Kelley making that comment about how she hadn’t been in contact. </p><p>“I like it,” Christen states. “I think it would be awesome if we chilled it.” </p><p>“You want to do another one?” Tobin asks skeptically, unsure if she’s serious. Christen considers for a moment, “Yeah, why not? We’re not going anywhere.” </p><p>Kelley drapes an arm around her shoulder, “Alright Pressy,” she grins, “let’s catch up to everyone,” </p><p>As the others huddle around her, Tobin pours whiskey in a glass, too impatient to try and find an actual drink mixer and adds some ice cubes, using a butter knife to stir it. Emily passes on another shot, but Jeffrey says he’ll join them. </p><p>“This reminds me of back in 2015 in Canada,” he grins at Kelley and Tobin, “when we got so hammered at the after party when we found out the bar had the Dew,” </p><p>“Oh God,” Kelley moans, “remember how hungover you and Alex were the next day?” </p><p>“Alex was still drunk the next morning,” Tobin corrects, “and her and I got tipsy again doing that interview that morning,” </p><p>“Wait,” Christen laughs, trying to remember the interview. She doesn’t. “You were drunk during an interview?” </p><p>“Tipsy,” Tobin corrects with a grin, “they fed us champagne in the green room,” she explains, “along with caviar.” </p><p>Christen grimaces, “Caviar, so early?” </p><p>Tobin sucks air through her clenched teeth, “We just made it back to the hotel and I was puking sick,” she admits, “I passed out for a couple of hours.” </p><p>“I have photos somewhere,” Kelley informs them and Tobin rolls her eyes. </p><p> The four newcomers had a good time heckling the card players until the game was over. Perry and Cindy announced they were ready for bed. Kelley yawned, tired after playing a full ninety. “Tobes,” she says, hanging her elbow on Tobin’s shoulder and leaning against her, “where ya setting me and Em up tonight?” </p><p>Tobin blinks, she hasn’t thought of this yet. “Uh…” </p><p>“Well,” Cindy states, the most sober one in the dining room, “Meg and Sally are staying tonight. We can set Katie and Terry up in my room and put the kids on an air mattress in the floor with them. Sally can take the study, Meg the couch.” </p><p>Perry nods, “Where do Kelley and Emily stay?” </p><p>Cindy contemplates for a moment, “Well, maybe Christen can bunk with Tobin and they can take that room?” </p><p>Christen nods tiredly, “Fine with me,” she says, covering her mouth as she yawns. It’s late and it’s been a long day, most of it spent outside and the heat and sun are getting to her. Add in the drinks she’s had this evening and all she wants to do is sleep, “I’m going to grab my stuff,” she says tiredly, “goodnight everyone.”  She calls the dogs to go upstairs with her. </p><p>“I’ll get some fresh sheets,” Tobin offers, “come on you guys” she says, gesturing to Kelley and Emily who both look exhausted, “you can help make the bed.” </p><p>Goodnights are tossed around, Perry teasingly nominating Katie to make breakfast, since she’ll be up with the kids. As Tobin, Christen, Kelley and Emily leave the kitchen, Cindy shares a knowing look with Sally and Meg, satisfied her plan is in motion. </p><p> </p><p>Christen has changed into her sleep shorts and tee and she’s currently brushing her teeth in Tobin’s bathroom. She hears the door click shut and continues her brushing and two minutes later, Tobin appears next to her, wearing a t-shirt and mesh shorts. </p><p>“Hey,” she says tiredly, her voice low and a little gravelly, grabbing her toothbrush and finding her toothpaste. </p><p>Christen rinses her mouth, spitting water in the sink, “They get settled?” </p><p>“Oh yeah,” Tobin replies, starting to brush her teeth. </p><p>“Do you have a side you prefer?” Christen questions with only slight hesitation in her voice. She’s tipsy, she doesn’t normally drink two beers and two shots in only two hours. She’s feeling it a bit. </p><p>Tobin shrugs, not really thinking of it as she brushes, she’s a little tipsy and she’s a lot tired, so the significance of her sharing a bed with Christen hasn’t set in yet. Christen nods and leaves the bathroom and Tobin can hear her talking to the dogs. She wanted them up here with her and not roaming around the house during the night. A few minutes later, Tobin walks out to find Christen sprawled across the bed on an angle giving belly rubs to Sereana, Morena lying close by with her eyes closed. Tobin slowly sits on the bed, stroking Morena’s fur, smiling to herself when she sees the dog’s tail wag limply in response. </p><p>“She likes you,” Christen says with a smile, looking over fondly at her dog, “she likes your energy.” </p><p>“She’s a good girl,” Tobin acknowledges, bringing a hand up to cover a yawn. Christen slides back to stand up, looking at her curiously, “Ready?” </p><p>“Hum?” Tobin asks absently, her mind wandering away, briefly thinking about her Mom downstairs. </p><p>“Let’s go to bed,” Christen suggests, nudging Sereana and flipping the covers back on her side of the bed. Tobin sniffs and nods and stands up to do the same. She turns on the monitor, the display showing  the sunroom, like she does nightly, clicks off the light on the bedside table and they slide under the covers at the same time, both issuing deep sighs as they relax. The room is slightly illuminated by the monitor display, just enough that when Christen rolls on her side to face her, Tobin can see her features. </p><p>“I had a really fun day,” Christen says, her voice subdued, just above a whisper. Tobin sees the smile playing at her lips as she speaks. </p><p>She rolls to face her, unable to stop the grin on her face, “I did too,” she admits, “I’m really glad you decided to stay here,” </p><p>They both stare at each other, smiles widening. A wave of affection overcomes Tobin, maybe it’s the booze, she isn’t surre, she knows she's buzzed and not drunk, but she takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, her smile only growing larger. Only one thing is clear to her right now and she has to tell her. “I really like you, Chris,” she confesses, “and I really wanna kiss you,” </p><p>Christen beams at her, “I like you so much,” she smiles, “I want to kiss you, too,” </p><p>They scoot closer, Tobin gently caressing Christen’s cheek with her fingers as she closes in to kiss her. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am blown away by the kudos and your heartfelt comments. </p><p>thank you-</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ah! You all caught my error- my apologies for causing such confusion. Kelley is with Sonnet. I'll go back and fix that chapter at some time, thanks for bringing it to my attention.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tobin!” Cindy’s frightened voice cuts through the silence, Tobin jerking up in her bed, sitting up and leaning to get out when a hand on her wrist stills her. </p>
<p>“She’s fine,” a sleepy voice floats in the darkness. </p>
<p>“Huh?” Tobin is breathing heavy and turns to look and see Christen there in the darkness. </p>
<p>“Tobin, she’s fine,” it’s Christen, going up on an elbow, “see? Look at the monitor, she’s sleeping,” </p>
<p>Tobin leans over to squint at the display, frowning and exhaling loudly. She throws herself back on the mattress, pulling the covers over her, breathing deeply through her mouth. She wipes at her forehead with her hand, leaving it there as she blinks. </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Christen assures her, scooting closer, “it’s just a dream,” she says, her hand resting on Tobin’s sternum as her chest rapidly rises and falls. </p>
<p>Tobin takes a gulp of air, letting out a shaky breath and closes her eyes, “She always sounds so afraid,” she says, her voice shaky and full of sadness. It makes Christen move even closer, drawing her body against Tobin’s, letting her hand slowly stroke her sternum, “Just a dream,” she repeats quietly, “let me hold you,” she nudges her and Tobin rolls on her side. Christen molds herself against Tobin, sliding her arm around her waist. She feels Tobin thread their fingers together and draw it up against her stomach, holding it there. <br/>It doesn’t take long for Christen to feel Tobin relax, the stiffness leaving her muscles, her breathing evening out. She nuzzles her forehead against Tobin’s shoulder, sharing the pillow. She takes in a long slow breath, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin awakes feeling warm and safe, someone is lightly rubbing her back over her shirt, just like her Mom would do when she was sick. She lets out a contented sigh, happy to stay right here without a care in the world. The gentle fingers on her back keep moving and then she feels the mattress shift and a metallic noise she doesn’t recognize and a weight across her legs. There’s a heavy sigh and a chuffing noise. A dog. </p>
<p>A dog? </p>
<p>Oh shit! Tobin realizes, the memory from last night rushing back. Christen in her bed. Kissing her. The makeout session they had before falling asleep. They kept it to just kissing, curling their tongues together, tasting one another. It’s Christen who’s rubbing her back. They were both a little tipsy, but it’s not like she didn’t want it to happen. Christen seemed to want to as well, she considers. I’m not panicking at this, Tobin realizes, it felt right. Christen feels right. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Morning,” she says sleepily, “that feels so good,” </p>
<p>“Morning,” Christen replies, her voice soft and filled with sleep, “how’d you sleep?” </p>
<p>Tobin considers, “Pretty good,” she replies, rolling to face her and giving her a sleep filled smile, “better than I have in a long time,” </p>
<p>“I’m glad,” she smiles back at her, letting out a sigh and giving her a shy look, “you were up a few times,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods as she goes up on one elbow, “I know,” she says, “but I was able to get right back to sleep,” she says, giving her a grateful smile, “thanks to you,” </p>
<p>Christen looks up at her, thinking Tobin looks so amazing for just waking up, “I’m glad I was here,” she replies, giving her a smile and beckoning her closer. </p>
<p>“So am I,” Tobin replies, leaning over and kissing her. She only intended to give her a quick kiss, but then Christen puts her hand behind Tobin’s neck and pulled her closer, kissing her passionately. It’s new and exciting, discovering Christen, tasting her, marveling at how natural it feels to kiss her. They’re not clumsy with one another, almost as if they’ve been kissing for years. </p>
<p>Tobin pulls back and uses her thumb and index finger to swipe the moisture from her lower lip, looking down at her. Both dogs sit up, Sereana issuing a whine and Tobin turns to look at her and then back down at Christen. </p>
<p>“We should get up,” Christen frowns, reluctance clearly in her tone, “although this is very nice,” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin quietly agrees, quirking her mouth as she thinks, “what do we do next?” </p>
<p>Christen looks her over, studying Tobin’s face, seeing how vulnerable she looks. “What if we take slow and do what feels natural?” she suggests slowly, smiling when Tobin smiles at her response. </p>
<p>“Sounds good,” Tobin says and lies flat on her back, stretching her arms above her head, her feet slowly spreading out as she yawns loudly. Then she looks over at her, “Okay, I’m getting up,” she announces, “you can shower first, if you want,” she offers, “I’ll grab a quick one after breakfast,” </p>
<p>“I’m pretty hungry,” Christen states, “so, I’ll take one after you,” she decides. </p>
<p>They take turns using the toilet and then brush their teeth and wash their faces together hurriedly, realizing it’s almost nine o’clock. Tobin leaves the bathroom and watches Christen select her clothes from her bag and return to it to change. She opens the door for the dogs, figuring someone downstairs will let them out. She hurriedly changes and is making the bed when Christen exits. </p>
<p>“You and those glasses,” Christen murmurs, stepping close to her, “so sexy,” she smiles as she slips her hands around Tobin’s waist. </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a sleepy smile, “Oh, you think so?” </p>
<p>“I do,” Christen nods, “very much,” she says as she moves in closer and kisses her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Coffee,” Tobin moans as she enters the kitchen about ten minutes later, her and Christen having an impromptu makeout session before going downstairs. She is sleepily blinking and sees her Mom and siblings around the table. </p>
<p>“Auntie To-To!” her nephew Cole exclaims, excited to see her, leaving his seat to run to her and crash into her legs and Tobin gently sets her hand on the crown of his head as she greets him quietly. Christen senses that Tobin isn’t a perky morning person. Christen smiles as she greets everyone. She continues her way to grab two mugs and pours out coffee for her and Tobin, turning to politely ask if anyone needs a refill. </p>
<p>Perry shakes her head, “I’m good, thanks,” she says, “grab some plates,” </p>
<p>“Sit over here dear,” Cindy indicates with her hand, two spaces open next to her. </p>
<p>“Okay,” she grins, setting the mugs down on the table and then strides through the sunroom to call the dogs. They scramble into the house, following Christen to the butler’s pantry. She fills their bowls with kibble and returns to the kitchen to find Tobin handing her a plate and tongs, “Dig in,” she encourages, her own plate full. Christen smiles at her thoughtfulness, how she had made her own plate yet waited for her. Just then Kelley and Emily enter the kitchen, Kelley asking for Tylenol and coffee. After Kelley has her first cup of coffee, the kitchen becomes just a bit louder with her asking about the plans of the day. Soon, a bags tournament is organized, a water balloon fight, egg toss, and a string of other competitions. </p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes, “Shouldn’t you be doing some recovery? Maybe some yoga or stretches? An ice bath?” </p>
<p>“Pressy,” Kelley taps her arm, “you’ll do some yoga with me, right? You said you’re still doing it.” It’s true, in one of their conversations to catch up, Christen told her about how enjoyable she found yoga and how the meditation aspect helped her remain balanced. </p>
<p>“Uh, sure,” she replies hesitantly, eying Tobin who is rolling her eyes again. </p>
<p>“Sweet,” Kelley grins, “I’ll buy some ice and a kiddie pool,” she states, “do my ice bath in that.” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Can’t argue with that,” she says, “but we’ll empty it out and clean it then throw some beers in it after,”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She still crashes and burns,” Christen comments from her spot on the deck stairs next to Tobin and Emily. The three are looking out in the yard, Kelley lying on a blanket in the grass after running around with the kids. Cole and Mikey have abandoned her and are near the garage with their parents, kneeling down to decorate the driveway with sidewalk chalk art. Dinner time is coming soon and the sun is still shining down brightly on the hot day. They’ve had a brilliant time playing bags, a water fight with the kids and covering the shady part of the driveway with sidewalk chalk.</p>
<p>They’ve been enjoying a few beverages, Tobin and Christen sharing some edible gummies, wanting to relax a bit. Tobin offered a few to her Mom who eagerly partook. So did Miss Sally and Aunt Meg. Tobin still felt weird being out in the open with marijuana with her siblings, so she did it slyly when nobody was paying attention. After breakfast, Christen took Cindy’s vitals and dispensed her medication, Cindy beaming at her the whole time.   </p>
<p>Cindy was having a good day, using her cane to get around, Cole and his brother Mikey keeping her occupied when they weren’t running around with Tobin and the others or the dogs. Morena kept close to Cindy, lying near her feet when she wanted to relax. </p>
<p>“She better get out of the sun now or she’ll be so burned,” Emily comments worriedly as she rises from the steps and walks under the tree, pausing at the kiddy pool filled with ice and bottles of water, sodas and beers, giving Tobin and Christen a wicked smile and filling her empty Solo cup with the icy cold water and then again when she spies the kindling for the firepit and finding a long branch that hadn’t been cracked down to a smaller size. She carries it with her as she stealthily approaches Kelley’s inert form, pausing to make sure Tobin and Christen and the others are watching before poking her side with the branch. </p>
<p>Tobin and Christen laugh when they hear Kelley’s yell, laughing even more when Emily dumps the ice cold water on her. Emily bolts away, dropping the stick as Kelley leaps up, the two running around laughing their heads off. Tobin is clicking photos of the antics, thrilled she caught the entire episode with her camera. She’s been taking photos all day when she’s taken a break from playing the games. </p>
<p>Her Mom is up on the deck with Aunt Meg and Miss Sally, their heads close as they talk about something. Tobin stands and zooms in and takes shots of them, waiting when her Mom lifts her head to laugh and smile at her best friend and sister. Click. Click. Tobin looks down and smiles. She wants to build these memories in hopes that eases her pain in the future when her Mom is not doing well. </p>
<p>Katie approaches as Tobin sits back down, looking at two expectantly, “Should we get started on dinner?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “That’s fine,” she says, standing up and extending a hand for Christen. They smile as she stands next to her. </p>
<p>“Does Mom need meds soon?” Katie asks, unsure of the schedule. </p>
<p>“Yeah, they’re in the pantry,” Tobin says, “and ask her if she wants a pain pill,” </p>
<p>Katie makes a face, “Is she drinking?” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “It’s not like it’s gonna kill her,” she says quietly. </p>
<p>Katie frowns, but Tobin steps closer and hugs her, “Just ask her,” she repeats, “she won’t be silly if she’s had a lot of wine.” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Katie says soberly, moving past them up the steps with a troubled look on her face. </p>
<p>Tobin sighs and looks at her bare feet for a moment before Christen lightly grabs her hand and gives it a squeeze and a reassuring smile. Tobin smiles back, “Wanna help me make a fire?” </p>
<p>“A fire?” Christen questions, “Now?” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” she grins at her and then drops her hand, squatting to return her camera to its case. She stands up, “We’re doing some cowboy cooking tonight,” she says, grabbing her hand and pulling her along to the wood rack. </p>
<p>The two of them are oblivious to the others who are watching them occasionally as they laugh and build the fire. They don’t even notice Perry snapping photos of them as they joke around as they work. It’s as if they’re in their own little world. Soon the fire is lit and they’re standing back from it, Tobin poking at one of the logs when Kelley and Emily approach. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Kelley chuckles, “it’s like a hundred degrees, dude,” </p>
<p>“I know,” Tobin grins, “but we’re gonna use this to cook dinner,” </p>
<p>“How?” Emily asks, knitting her eyebrows together with intrigue. </p>
<p>“Let this burn a bit, add some more wood,” Tobin explains, “then rake some of the coals to the side and put the potatoes and foil packets of veggies on the coals. Then I’m gonna put a grill over it and cook up the steaks.” </p>
<p>“Dude! That’s awesome!” Kelley high fives Tobin, “What can we do to help?”</p>
<p>“Man the fire and rake the coals?” Tobin asks and they nod, “Then make sure the food doesn’t catch on fire and turn it so it doesn’t burn?”</p>
<p>“You got it,” Emily nods and salutes her.  </p>
<p>“I’m getting a beer, you guys want any?” Kelley asks, looking at them. They shake their heads, Christen saying she’ll wait for dinner to have another. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They opt to eat inside, taking a break from the heat of the day and avoiding insects. Katie had let the kids nap longer, wanting them to be able to stay up later and enjoy the fireworks when it got dark. Table talk was light, mostly talking about Shaina and Jeffrey’s wedding. Everyone had recently received their invitations, many of Tobin’s friends were invited since Jeffrey practically grew up with them. </p>
<p>Tobin noticed her Mom looked rather uncomfortable while they ate, sensing she was in pain but doing her best to mask it. She could tell though. She also noticed she was drinking water with dinner like Tobin was herself. She didn’t want to drink much tonight, instead she wanted to take a couple of hits and relax that way. She would do it after dinner. <br/>Christen noticed Tobin grow a little quieter during the meal, catching her look at her Mom a few times with concern. When she looked at Cindy, she thought the woman was in pain. She’d mention it to Tobin after they ate, she wanted to discreet though and not bring it up in front of the others. She doesn’t think they’ve seen Cindy when the pain was bad. </p>
<p>After lingering around the table, they decide to clean up the kitchen quickly and forego dessert for now and head back outside, since dusk is approaching. Christen claims the sink, offering to wash. Kelley and Emily arm themselves with dish towels while Tobin feed the dogs. While she is in the pantry, she grabs a pain pill and sits next to her Mom while Aunt Meg is in the bathroom and Miss Sally is checking on her pie. </p>
<p>“Hey Mom,” Tobin smiles, sliding into the seat next to her, “how you doing?” she asks quietly.</p>
<p>“I’m feeling it,” she replies just as quietly, seeing Tobin hold up a pill and taking it from her, “I might not last too late tonight,” </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Tobin says assuredly, “you just say the word and we’ll getcha in bed,”  </p>
<p>Cindy lays her hand on Tobin’s that’s on the table, “Perry will help me tonight,” she says, giving her a smile, “you just relax and enjoy yourself,” </p>
<p>“Oh, it’s okay, Ma,” Tobin straightens up, frowning a little. </p>
<p>Cindy pats the top of her hand, “Enjoy a night off,” she says, she smiles although the corners of her mouth are downturned and Tobin sees sadness in her eyes. “You don’t get to have many nights like this,” </p>
<p>Tobin feels that tightness in her chest and nods, “Okay, Ma,” she says, “but don’t let Katie send the kids up to my room too early tomorrow,” </p>
<p>Her Mom chuckles, “I won’t,” she says, “now get out there,” </p>
<p>“Love you,” Tobin says, kissing her on the cheek. </p>
<p>Cindy half turns in her seat, placing her hand on Tobin’s cheek, “I love you sweetheart,” she says, her eyes now joyful, “I love you so much,” </p>
<p>Kelley enters the room, rubbing her arms, “It’s getting cold, Tobes,” she announces, “you guys might want a sweatshirt,” </p>
<p>“Cold?” Tobin questions as she stands up, “it was like ninety not too long ago,” </p>
<p>“Think a thunderstorm is moving in,” Kelley shrugs, “I don’t know, it’s cool out,” she says and leaves the room. They can hear her footsteps going up the stairs. </p>
<p>“Think I’ll grab a hoodie too,” Tobin murmurs, “I’ll get you a sweater,” she says to her Mom. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin is surprised at the temperature change when she enters the deck, thinking a fire would be in order. It wouldn’t take away from them seeing the fireworks in the distance. She sees Katie’s husband and Jeffrey are already on it, gathering logs and bringing them around the pit. The coals are still hot from the fire they used to cook dinner, Jeffrey is using a piece of cardboard to fan the embers until a flame ignites. Katie is walking towards her, “Mom coming out?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Got her a sweater,” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Katie grins, then looks down, “that for Christen?” </p>
<p>“Uh, yeah,” she nods and notices her sister’s smirk, “what?” </p>
<p>“Nothing,” Katie shrugs innocently, “see ya out there,”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is this for me?” Christen questions when Tobin shoves the hoodie towards her, reaching her hands out for it. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin grins, seeing how she’s making little grabby hands for it. </p>
<p>“Thank you!” she says gratefully as she throws it on, “I’m freezing,” she shivers. </p>
<p>“You wants some sweats?” Tobin wants her comfortable, but Christen shakes her head. “My legs will be fine with the fire,” she explains. Tobin nods, “You want anything to drink?” </p>
<p>“Wanna do a shot?” Christen gives her slightly dangerous look with one corner of her mouth curled in a half grin, almost a smirk, “you know, to warm up,” she explains as she nods knowingly. </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Tobin grins, “hey you guys, you want shots?” she asks the group. They all nod. </p>
<p>Christen walks with Tobin to the empty garage, “Can we do that Tully Dew?” she asks, “it was really good.” </p>
<p>“Tullamore Dew,” Tobin corrects with a toothy grin, then she looks around, “I think I want to take a couple of hits, you want some?” </p>
<p>Christen steps next to her, pulling the bag of plastic shot glasses closer, “You haven’t told your family outright that you smoke, huh,” she observes. </p>
<p>“Well, they know,” Tobin explains, “but I’ve never like, done it with them or anything,” she says, “I don’t know if any of them do.” </p>
<p>They do a couple of quick hits and then return to the firepit, passing the shot glasses and the bottle around. </p>
<p>Tobin looks around the firepit, smiling at everyone, feeling grateful that so many of her favorite people are in one place. Morena is lying at Cindy’s feet and Tobin watches as her </p>
<p>Mom raises her glass up, “To family and friends that have become family,” she toasts. </p>
<p>As the sky fills with bursts of colors of the fireworks from a distance, only the low rumble of the noise is heard. They ooh and aah over them, occasionally passing the bottle around, talking about this and that. Tobin breaks out glow sticks and glow necklaces, giving them to the kids and the extras for herself, Christen, Kelley and Emily. They run around in the yard for a bit, the kids slowly wearing out and when they come back to the fire, they snuggle up on their parents’ lap, sleepy from the busy day. Fireworks are still filling the sky from town, the low concussion of the explosives from such a distance not louder than someone speaking quietly. The dogs have been fine all day, much to Christen’s relief.  The kids have fallen asleep and Katie carries Cole in while her husband takes Mikey, bidding everyone a goodnight. Perry, Aunt Meg, Miss Sally and Cindy follow them in a half an hour later, leaving Kelley, Emily, Tobin and Christen sitting around the flickering fire. </p>
<p>Christen has moved close to Tobin on the bench, snuggling up next to her, feeling the warmth of Tobin’s leg against her own and is thrilled when Tobin puts her arm around her. She loves how she can smell Tobin’s laundry detergent and the light body spray she’s wearing and her own unique scent. It surrounds her since she’s wearing one of Tobin’s hoodies, an old US Soccer one. She giggled when she saw the one Tobin walked out wearing, it was a piece of bread and the caption was ‘All my friends are baked.’ </p>
<p>“Tobes, you holding?” Kelley asks, giving her a little smirk when Tobin reaches in her hoodie pocket and hands over her small dugout and lighter. Kelley takes a couple of hits, passing it Emily who shakes her head and hands it back to Tobin. </p>
<p>“Want some more?” Tobin murmurs into the side of Christen’s head.</p>
<p>“Nuh uh,” Christen responds drowsily, enjoying her own buzz and the dying fire and the bright stars in the sky and feeling Tobin next to her. She feels Tobin move her hand from her shoulder and begin to lazily run her fingers through her curls. </p>
<p>“Kel,” Tobin begins, her voice a low drawl, “do you remember when we went to Hawaii on our first surfing trip?” </p>
<p>Kelley chuckles, “Oh yeah,” she says, her eyes lighting up, “that trip was an amazing disaster.” </p>
<p>“What happened?” Emily asks, turning to look at her. </p>
<p>Kelley shakes her head, “We didn’t have a lot of money,” she explains, “and we didn’t exactly have the best planning and research skills back then ether.” </p>
<p>“The place we stayed was dirt cheap, pretty dirty and in a sketchy part of the island,” Tobin picks up seamlessly, “we had to lock all of our stuff in the car every time we went out. The lock was broke on our door,” </p>
<p>“But it was on the beach and the waves were amazing,” Kelley cuts in, “even though we did get food poisoning from some food truck, so that was ugly,” </p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes and turns to look at Christen, who lifts her chin looking up at her, “Me, Kel and Ashlyn,” she says, a grimace on her face, “all sick with one bathroom,” </p>
<p>“Oh, no,” Christen frowns, looking over at Kelley, “how did you manage?” </p>
<p>“All I’m going to say is we got creative,” Kelley states, “we vowed to never speak of it.” She looks over at how cozy Tobin and Christen are, considering saying something and then deciding against it. “What made you think of that?” </p>
<p>Tobin shifts into a lower slouch and Christen moves right with her, snuggling closer to her. “I was thinking I wanted to go back there,” she says, “not that place, but the island. To chill.” </p>
<p>“We could plan something,” Kelley offers, “after I finish the season,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she agrees, “I can’t plan anything now, but let’s make it happen sometime,” she turns to Christen, “you ever been to Hawaii?” </p>
<p>“Once,” she replies, “I was really little, I just remember all of the pretty flowers,” she smiles.  </p>
<p>“Maybe you could come?” Tobin asks a little timidly, her voice quiet and hesitant. </p>
<p>“I’d love to,” she smiles at her. </p>
<p>“Tobes,” Kelley says, “did you know Christen is the Californian I’ve ever met that doesn’t know how to surf?” </p>
<p>“What?” Tobin questions with disbelief and turns to look at Christen who is sporting an apologetic look. </p>
<p>“Guilty,” she shrugs and giving her a small grin. </p>
<p>“How is that even possible?” Tobin questions, “Didn’t you say you lived close to the ocean?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “The beach closest to us had really dangerous riptides,” she explains, “and my Mom was paranoid we’d drown so we hardly ever went deep into the water,” </p>
<p>“I tried to teach her,” Kelley sighs, “but she has no interest,” </p>
<p>“No?” Tobin is still looking at her, “None at all?” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “Sorry,” </p>
<p>“Eh,” Tobin shrugs, giving her a smile, “if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing,” she says, “but are you some kind of champion sand castle builder?” she teases lightly. </p>
<p>“I am,” Christen giggles and laughs more when Tobin looks excited, “the worst.” </p>
<p>Tobin groans at her joke and pulls her closer, “So you can watch our stuff, okay?” </p>
<p>Christen impulsively kisses her cheek, “Sure will,” she grins. </p>
<p>Tobin smiles back at her, flipping off Kelley who is making kissy noises. </p>
<p>Lightning flashes in sky and a rumble of thunder of thunder in the distance is heard. They watch as the storm approaches and then slowly tamp out the fire and head in to the house.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, this feels so good,” Tobin sighs heavily when she lies in her bed, turning her head to look at Christen, “you have fun today?”</p>
<p>Christen hums with a sleepy smile, “So much,” she says, edging closer to her, “and to not have to worry about the dogs freaking out was wonderful.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad,” Tobin says, turning on her side, moving closer to her, “People that set off fireworks can be real assholes,” she says, Christen opening an eye hearing Tobin cuss. “I mean, especially if it’s your neighbors, they know you have pets and should be more considerate.” </p>
<p>“They should,” Christen agrees and reaches her hand out, her fingers working through Tobin’s hair until they’re on the back of Tobin’s neck, drawing her close and kissing her. Tobin opens her mouth to accept Christen’s tongue, both of them moaning softly at the sensation as they taste each other. Once again, they keep it above the waist, just pressing themselves against each other, content to explore each other like this. It's raining steadily and the occasional flashes of lightning light up Tobin's room. The dogs edge closer to them, unsettled by the thunder. </p>
<p>They fall back breathless, both taking in deep breaths, eyes on each other. Tobin smiles, “Come ‘ere,” she husks, turning fully on her side and lifting an arm. Christen slides up against her, turning to be little spoon. “Good night,” they say in unison, both chuckling as they shut their eyes. </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Chris?” Tobin questions with concern from the pantry, walking out to the kitchen where she is seated at the table. It’s Sunday evening and everyone has left the house, Perry driving Kelley and Emily to the airport to catch their flights out together. Katie and her family left a little earlier since they were traveling with the kids. Christen is charting before taking the dogs and going home. Cindy is in bed, relaxing and entrenched in one of her mysteries on TV before going to sleep early. Morena is now on the bed with her cuddled along her side, Sereana lying on the floor in the room with them. </p>
<p>“Did you see this?” Tobin holds up the pain medication bottle. She’s just realized that her Mom has been taking more pills for the pain. It didn’t occur to her while it was happening, especially when her family was here. Katie was making sure she took them, Perry had been checking, the two swearing off Tobin and Christen from doting on her. </p>
<p>Christen nods solemnly, “It’s getting worse,” she says quietly, hating to have this conversation. Especially after having such a lovely weekend with them. She sees Tobin staring at her, her mouth slightly open, taking in her reply. </p>
<p>“What are the next steps?” Tobin asks quietly, not wanting her Mom to hear their conversation. She knows she can’t hear over the noise form the TV and the distance, but still, she doesn’t want her Mom to hear being talked about. </p>
<p>“We can go to a higher dose of it,” she replies, biting her lip, because she knows what’s coming next. </p>
<p>“And after that?” Tobin asks, now remembering the pamphlets she’s read about the hospice process. </p>
<p>“Maybe a combination of a few different drugs, but most likely morphine,” Christen answers quietly, avoiding looking at her. Morphine is the final medication to provide Cindy. She knows Tobin knows that and she doesn’t want to see Tobin’s reaction. But something deep pulls at her, wanting to comfort her, wanting to forget the whole professionalism battle she been waging in her mind. She slowly looks up and sees Tobin is still staring at her, a hollow expression on her face. </p>
<p>Tobin clutches her own elbow, gripping it tightly with her other hand covering her mouth, her fingers pressing into her skin on her cheeks. In the silence, Christen can hear Tobin swallow and then she slowly drops her hand to hug herself, looking forlorn. A single tear escapes her eye, running down her cheek, over her jaw and down her neck. “I was on Fentanyl after ankle surgery and it knocked me on my ass,” she says quietly, “how can she be on this much and still functioning?” </p>
<p>“She’s built up a tolerance,” Christen explains, keeping her voice low and not wanting Cindy to hear them speaking about her. Her own Mother was aggravated when she experienced it and that is something that has always stuck with her. </p>
<p>“How much time do you think she has left?” Tobin asks, her voice twisted and nearly unrecognizable with grief.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Christen replies truthfully, remembering how she was standing in her parent’s living room when the nurse told her the same news about her own mother. How heartbroken she was. How her medical knowledge was a curse to her then. She knew there wouldn’t be much time once her Mom was on morphine. Morphine gave her more time but her body was shutting down. </p>
<p>Christen rises from her chair, moving to Tobin and taking her in her arms, holding her closely. She doesn’t hear her cry although she feels the sobs. They stand together in the kitchen, in the quiet house and Christen sways just a little, running her hand up and down Tobin’s back, desperately hoping Tobin feels just the slightest comfort from her. </p>
<p>Cindy is running out of time. </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Buckle up.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p><strong>End of July</strong> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin is helping Cindy get dressed, buttoning up her short sleeved shirt. Tobin has already changed her diaper, they’re still using pull ups that look like regular underwear, just padded more. She has accidents during the day every once in a while, although they typically increase in the evenings when she’s tired and doesn’t make to the bathroom quick enough because she’s usually moving much slower. She wets herself at night most of the time, but puts on a strong face, cracking terrible pee related jokes to Tobin as she helps her dress the next morning. They use a lot of humor to get through it. </p>
<p>Cindy’s balance is slightly off usually in the mornings and she leans when she walks with her cane, most likely due to the brain tumor and makes Tobin particularly watchful to ensure she doesn’t fall. Christen has taught Tobin how to safely help Cindy while she walks using a gait belt, if needed, to guide her. For safety’s sake, Cindy usually sits in her recliner during the day. Transferring from her wheelchair to recliner back to the wheelchair is tiring for her. Christen has also showed Tobin how to help position her in bed and how to avoid hurting herself by straining her back. Her medication has been upped to the safest dosage before having to turn to morphine and Tobin prays every morning and night that they won’t have to do that soon. </p>
<p>Henry Latham drops by at least twice a week, giving Cindy a run down of the crops and how things are going. Miss Sally and Aunt Meg come by most days, bringing lunch and forcing Tobin to eat and then go outside just to get fresh air. Three times a week they stay for dinner and on those days they’ve brought something in a crockpot to let it simmer away the afternoon. Tobin is grateful for them and for her Mom’s other friends who stop by, send cards and call her on the phone. Relatives from all over the country have called, but Tobin notices they’ve distanced themselves from coming to see her. Probably over fear of what they might see. Her Mom has lost weight and her muscle tone is slowly fading. She doesn’t blame them, death and witnessing someone slowly dying isn’t something many people can handle. </p>
<p>She talks to her sisters and brothers almost every day, reporting how their Mom is doing that day. Cindy Facetimes with them, always trying her best to be bright and bubbly for them. She confides to Tobin that she doesn’t want them to worry too much. </p>
<p>Christen has begun to bring the dogs with her every visit, Morena always making a beeline to Cindy and it puts a genuine smile on the woman’s face as the pooch carefully nears her, deftly jumping on the foot of the bed and accepts her petting. They nap together in the afternoons. Tobin is always carrying her iPad with her now to monitor her Mom in whatever room she’s in. </p>
<p>Christen and Tobin usually find themselves sitting under the shade tree on one of the benches Tobin made and dragged over from the firepit. Sometimes they talk about whatever what is on their minds, sometimes exchanging sweet kisses and other times they both sit in silence, hands intertwined. Just being together is enough. </p>
<p>They’re sitting outside on ‘their’ bench now, a slight breeze keeping them comfortable in the shade. Christen thinks Tobin looks exhausted and asks her about it. </p>
<p>“Mom is just like, starting to talk at night,” Tobin explains, “nothing weird, like she’s not talking out of her mind, it’s like she’s remembering things she wanted to talk about during the day.” </p>
<p>“How long are you up?” Christen asks, concern in her voice. </p>
<p>“Sometimes a few minutes,” Tobin replies, “sometimes a few hours.” Her lower lip trembles a little, “Last night we talked about what music she wanted played at her funeral service,” she wipes at her eyes and glances over at her, “I’ll never tell her to go to sleep,” she shakes her head, “she needs to do this,” she says emphatically, “she needs to express it. So, who I am to deny that?” </p>
<p>“I understand,” Christen nods, her voice gentle, stroking Tobin’s arm, “my Mom did that too,” she shares. She hasn’t told Tobin much about her Mom’s death, in fact, Tobin seems to avoid asking her. She doesn’t know if Tobin is being sensitive and doesn’t want her to dredge up upsetting memories or if she just doesn’t want to hear it. If she fears what Christen will tell her about it.  </p>
<p>Tobin looks at her, “Mom told me she’s changed her mind and right now she just wants to get through the wedding and then she’ll think about Christmas,” </p>
<p>Christen hums, biting her lower lip. </p>
<p>“Do you think that means she’s preparing me?” Tobin asks earnestly, “Like, she’s preparing me to say she’s done and ready to go before Christmas?” </p>
<p>“Maybe,” Christen acknowledges, shifting and bending her leg and crossing the other one over it to face Tobin, “it’s hard to tell,” she says, giving her a sad look, “Some of my patients have done that,” she admits, “throw in the towel, I mean. I think it’s because they want to control it as much as they can. Or they’re tired and they don’t want to fight anymore.”</p>
<p>Tobin nods as she listens, biting her lower lip, her eyes looking off to the distance. “She’s got to be the one to call the shots,” she says quietly, “I want her do this how she wants.”</p>
<p>“You have been since I met you,” Christen says sincerely, her voice full of emotion. </p>
<p>Tobin looks at her with a subdued smile, “I’m trying,” she says and leans in and kisses her lips. She pulls back and sighs, “You’ve been a huge help,” she continues, “I would be so much more of mess than I am right now if it wasn’t for you,” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a small smile, connecting their hands again, “I don’t know how much help I am,” she admits, “but I’m glad you feel that way,” </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin frowns, shaking her head, “the obvious medical stuff aside,” she says, “you help me and my family in amazing ways,” she says earnestly, “you bring this sense of calmness with you,” she shrugs, “like, I know Mom is dying. I know that. But even with that, you make me feel like everything will be okay, you know?” Tobin is looking at her with an intensity Christen has never seen. Her eyes are bright and focused on her, the brown and tan hues conveying a warmth she’s not felt before. </p>
<p>“I can’t explain it,” Tobin continues, “you are just you and it’s perfect. I mean, obviously, there’s another level of connection you and I have,” she grins almost shyly, then her eyes change, a look of mischief in them now, “unless you kiss other girls in the families of patients you care for,” That damn smile is now on her face, the one that makes Christen swoon. </p>
<p>Instead of swooning, she lightly smacks Tobin’s arm, “I don’t, silly,” she chirps, trying to look mad. Tobin lifts their joined hands, kissing Christen’s knuckles, “I’m kidding,” she says seriously, “I mean it, though,” she says, clearing her throat and running her free hand through her hair, looking serious at her again, “I know I’ll get through this with my family and friends,” she says softly, “but knowing you’ll be here too is of great comfort to me as well.” </p>
<p>Christen smiles at the gesture, that heat spreading through her body, her chest feeling a flutter from her words. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” she says just as seriously and leans to kiss her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p><strong>Middle of August</strong> </p>
<p>It’s the second week of August and Jeffrey and Shaina have come in for a long weekend to complete some final wedding preparations. Shaina makes her calls to the food truck owners to confirm the menu and the date and time, the same for the DJ and photographer. They spend Saturday deep cleaning the house, doing all of the little tasks their Mom would appreciate being done before the big event. </p>
<p>Sunday afternoon Tobin goes to Christen’s apartment to watch the Red Stars and have dinner. After the match, they walk the dogs, they watch a movie, they make out on the couch and Tobin reluctantly leaves around eleven. Things have been heating up between her and Christen, both getting more brazen with their desire for another. Hands are exploring over clothes and their kisses have become more urgent. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hank has been checking my work,” Cindy frowns slightly, “I’m making some miscalculations with the quarterly taxes.” </p>
<p>Tobin makes a comforting noise, not liking to hear this. Her Mom has been mentally sharp for the most part, only a few mental lapses and none that have caused Tobin any alarm. </p>
<p>“So, what’s the plan?” she asks. It’s Tuesday and the two are in the study sitting side by side at the desk. </p>
<p>“If you’re willing, I’d like to show you how to do it and you can send them over to Hank to have them checked,” Cindy states firmly. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin nods, sitting straighter in her chair, “show me what to do.” </p>
<p>Her Mom nods and flips open a small notebook. “The steps are right here,” she says, then she shakes her head, “I can’t believe I messed them up,” she sighs, staring at the page, “I guess the stupid tumor is invading my brain,” </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin whispers, extending her hand and rubbing her Mom’s back. Cindy looks at her, a sad expression on her face, “If you don’t want this responsibility,” she says slowly, “you can turn it over to the accountant. You don’t have to do this.” </p>
<p>“No, Mom, I want to,” Tobin states, nodding, “I want to know how this works.” </p>
<p>“Don’t humor me because I’m dying,” she replies seriously, critically looking at her as if she’s trying to judge how genuine Tobin is right now. </p>
<p>“No, Ma,” Tobin shakes her head, “I want to know.” She quirks her mouth, “It’s important someone else knows what to do.” </p>
<p>Her Mother stares at her for a minute before nodding slowly, “Okay then,” she accepts, “this isn’t me making you do this then. This isn’t me forcing you or making you feel like you have to take over the farm when I die.” </p>
<p>“I know,” Tobin agrees. </p>
<p>“I don’t want you to feel guilty if you decide with your sisters and brother to sell the farm,” she says, struggling to keep the sorrow from her voice. </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin says quietly, “I need to know this stuff,” she says gently, “we should have been doing this part together a while ago. It’s important I know it so when you’re…” she stops for a second, licking her lips and then nodding, “when you’re gone,” she says softly, “I’ll know what needs to be taken care of.” </p>
<p>Her Mom studies her for a moment and then nods, “Okay,” she says, turning to flip open her notebook. “Like I said,” she states, “it’s all in here.” </p>
<p>Tobin is surprised how straight forward the set up is for paying taxes, her Mom has an app on her computer for calculating it and then a second one to double check the figures. All of it is updated and there are spreadsheets that record the income and salaries to the farmers and herself. W2’s and 401K deposits are in there as well. Her Mother’s notebook explains every step clearly and Tobin thinks she can handle with Henry’s help. She’s hoping her Mom will be well enough when the next quarter is due to help her do this for the first time. As they are working on it, Tobin suggests it would be a good time for her to take over her other finances, paying the bills on the house and her truck and anything else. Her Mom readily agrees and it makes Tobin sad that she’ll be doing these things now. It’s not that she doesn’t want the responsibility, it’s just, once again, the remember of her Mom’s eminent death that is approaching and this is another part of her independence that’s changing. The damn cancer has already taken away her strength and impaired her mobility, it’s made her suffer the embarrassment of wetting herself, it’s slowly taking all of her independence away. It makes Tobin sad and also angers her, making her feel terrible for how her Mom must feel to be needing to ask for help.  </p>
<p>She convinces her Mom on Wednesday to go with her to the feed store and afterwards notices how she smiles for the rest of the day.  </p>
<p>That weekend, Perry shows up, wanting to check on Cindy and the house, her oldest child instincts strongly coming through. She’s pleasantly satisfied with how the house looks and how everything is organized. She does it in a nice way, amusing Tobin to no end, being extremely careful to make Tobin feel she’s judging what she’s doing. Tobin playfully frustrates her, pretending to forget certain details, like buying toilet paper or making sure the grass is cut before the wedding. </p>
<p>On Sunday night, Tobin again goes to Christen’s place, stopping to pick up a few things along the way. They end up watching the match while they eat, both starving when Tobin arrived with a bottle of wine and a small bouquet of flowers and treats for the dogs. Flushed from the victory over Houston, Christen is feeling frisky. After they walk the dogs and Tobin gets the fun of giving them their new toys, the two once again end up on the couch making out. </p>
<p>Things are escalating while they kiss, Tobin has found the spot near Christen’s ear that when she lightly sucks, Christen moans and it ignites another level of passion between them. Christen is straddling her and one of Tobin’s hands is now gently massaging Christen’s breast while the other has a firm grip on her ass. Her kisses are more intentional and both of them are breathing heavy. </p>
<p>Christen pulls away, slightly winded, their foreheads pressed together. “Tobin,” she says, her voice wrecked, “we have to talk.” She feels Tobin tense under her and Christen slowly moves off Tobin’s lap. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Tobin asks, looking at her intently, “Chris?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Tobin,” she says, “I really like you,” she says slowly, “and I want to sleep with you, I really do,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, tilting her head to try and understand what she’s getting at, “And?” </p>
<p>Christen grimaces as she considers how to phrase this, “I, uh,” she falters, “it’s just, I…” </p>
<p>“Is it because of your job?” Tobin questions gently, turning on the couch to face her, “I mean, I understand that was bothering you,” she says, “we talked about it,” </p>
<p>“Not, it’s not that,” Christen shake her head, “Tobin,” she frowns and sighs, “I really like you,” </p>
<p>“Chris, I really like you too,” Tobin nods, beginning to feel worried, “what is it?” </p>
<p>Christen leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees, her extended fingertips on her forehead, “What’s going to happen after your Mom passes away?” she questions quietly, <br/>“Are you moving back to Portland?” </p>
<p>After a few minutes of silence, Christen lifts her head to look at Tobin. She looks stunned, her mouth slightly open, staring at her. She licks her lips and clears her throat, pressing her hands on the couch to sit up straight. “I don’t know,” she whispers, her face paling, “Chris?” </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen sighs, “I have feelings for you,” she states, her eyes watering, “but if there’s a chance you’re leaving…” </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin breathes, “Chris, no, please, don’t.” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “Tobin, we can’t do this if you’re leaving,” she says, her voice growing stronger, firmer, “I thought I could keep this casual, you know? It would be okay if we got along and hooked up, but I can’t,” she frowns, wiping at her eyes, “I can’t let myself fall for you more if you’re going to leave,” she states, “that’s not fair.” </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin says hurriedly, “you mean so much to me,” she says honestly, her voice earnest, her eyes watering, “I have feelings for you, too,” she says, “we have something real here,” </p>
<p>Christen stands up and paces, “Yes, we have something real <em>here</em>,” she emphasizes, her arms waving in the air, her emotions beginning to spiral, “but what happens after?” She looks at her, “What are your plans?” </p>
<p>Tobin stands as well, stepping in front of her to stop her pacing, “I don’t know,” she confesses, “I’ve been focused on my Mom,” she explains. They look at each other for a moment, then Christen shrugs and Tobin sighs, “Chris,” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “I’m not one to give ultimatums,” she states, “but you need to have a plan, you need to know what you’re going to do,”</p>
<p>Tobin lets out a huff, “Everyone is asking me that,” she says bitterly, “I don’t know, alright? Every email I get asking me about coming back to coach or do some project I’ve back burnered because I don’t know. I’ve turned down interviews, a book deal,” she begins to pace, “Nike wants to collaborate, ESPN wants an interview, the National Team wants something, the Thorns want something,” she says heatedly and stops and looks at Christen, her eyes ablaze with emotion, “None of it matters to me right now because my sole focus is my Mom. You should understand that,” she throws up her hands, then points to at her, “you’ve done this. You should know what I’m feeling.” </p>
<p>“I didn’t start a relationship with someone while my Mom was dying,” Christen bites back, now crossing her arms. </p>
<p>“I know that!” Tobin explodes, looking at her with hurt, “I can’t help myself, Chris! I couldn’t, I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop. I’m drawn to you. I have strong feelings for you.”</p>
<p>“Sure you weren’t looking just to hook up while you’re in town and then leave?” Christen spits out, the words from that conversation with Channing months ago ripping into her mind. </p>
<p>Tobin looks wounded and a painful whimper escapes her lips.  </p>
<p>The two face one another in stand off, both upset, both bewildered how they got to this.</p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin tries, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” she says, earnestly trying to make her understand, “I’ll start working about it, okay? I promise to really think about it,” </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen sighs and brings a hand to her forehead, “this has to be something you’re really positive about. I just can’t give myself to you if you’re going to leave,”</p>
<p>“So, if I go to Portland, that’s it? We’re done?” Tobin asks, taking a step closer to her and frowning when Christen takes a step back. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Christen states quietly, shifting her eyes to look at the floor. The second she says says it she kicks herself for throwing Tobin’s words back at her.   </p>
<p>“And if I stay?” </p>
<p>Christen bites her lower lip and they both endure minutes of silence. </p>
<p>“I can’t win,” Tobin realizes miserably, biting her lower lip and nodding at her. Then she turns and walks to the kitchen table, picking up her phone. She looks over at Christen who’s eyes are on her. “I guess I’ll see ya,” she says sadly, her voice cracking and she picks up her keys. </p>
<p>Tobin walks ever so slowly to the door, hoping Christen will say something, praying she would reach out and stop her from leaving, but the woman is silent and Tobin can feel her eyes on her as she opens the door and walks out. Christen is frozen as she watches as Tobin walks out the door, in shock with how this escalated out of control. She doesn’t understand how she let herself become so unreasonable with her when all she intended for was to just ask her if she’d thought about what she was going to do. She stands there, staring at the door for five minutes and then falls on the couch and cries. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Perry questions worriedly when Tobin enters the kitchen. She looks pale and tired and her eyes are red as if she’s been crying. </p>
<p>“Yeah, just tired,” she replies flatly, her words clipped as she moves to the fridge and removing a water bottle, uncapping it and chugging it with her back turned from her sister. She had pulled over on their road away from the house to collect herself, drying her tears on her shirt sleeves and looking in the mirror to make sure she was presentable. She had a feeling Perry might be up still and she didn’t want to arouse her suspicions that she was upset. </p>
<p>“You sure?” Perry inquires quietly. Cindy is asleep in the sunroom, so she keeps her voice low. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin turns, “goodnight,” she says abruptly as she leaves the room. She slowly plods up the stairs to her room, changing her clothes and brushing her teeth. She returns downstairs to the study, shutting the door behind herself and plugs in her phone to charge it, turning the ringer off. She pulls up the monitor on her iPad, navigating through the screens to select the sunroom. Christen is scheduled to come tomorrow, she thinks miserably, her normal Monday visit. How are we going to manage that, she wonders. She throws herself in her bed in the study, staring at the darkened ceiling, wondering what to do. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, Perry hears a knock at the front door and wonders who it could be since Christen usually enters from the sunroom.</p>
<p>“Hi, I’m Christie, from hospice services,” a tall woman with light brown hair and a genial expression introduces herself to Perry at the front door. </p>
<p>“Where’s Christen?” Perry questions, confused and blinking at the woman. </p>
<p>“Oh,” Christie frowns, “she’s feeling a little under the weather,” she explains with a half smile.  </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Perry shakes her head, “Come in,” she invites, “I’m Perry, my Mom is in back,” opening the screen door and letting her enter. She leads her through the house past Tobin who is sitting with her head down in the kitchen at the table picking at her breakfast without appetite to the sunroom where Cindy is finishing her coffee. </p>
<p>When Perry enters the kitchen a few minutes later after getting Christie situated, Tobin is gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s Wednesday and Tobin is holed up in the study. She managed to escape Perry's questioning on Monday and her sister left for the airport wihtout knowing what was troubling Tobin. She met Christie in the morning and silently watched as she checked on her Mom, before leaving and entering the safety of the study. Her iPad is monitoring the sunroom while she is on the phone with her agent, expressing her nonexistent desire in doing a soccer camp this year. Angie is very understanding, having known Tobin and her family for years. She was there for Tobin, helping her family with arrangements when her Dad passed away. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” she says softly, “I do understand the position you’re in,” she states, “and if you don’t want to do any of these things right now or ever, I understand. It’s my job to bring you these opportunities and I would be a bad agent if I begin to filter all of them and decide what I think you should hear about.” </p>
<p>“Thanks, Angie,” Tobin sighs, feeling slightly overwhelmed, “I appreciate you, I really do. You’re right, I can’t live in this bubble, I need to know what’s going on,” </p>
<p>“Also, I would mention if you could manage to just post something on your Instagram, that would be terrific. Just to let your fans know you haven’t dropped off the face of the Earth.” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin agrees, wondering what she would post. Maybe a photo she’s taken on one of her runs of the corn fields. That would be cool. </p>
<p>“So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room,” Angie changes topics, “It’s okay if you don’t come back to Portland. Tobin, you have the right to do whatever feels right to you, not anyone else’s expectations.” </p>
<p>“You’re right,” Tobin says heavily, feeling that constriction in her chest as Christen’s face pops up in her mind. </p>
<p>“You are financially stable enough to keep the condo,” she reminds her, “if you wanted to. I’m sure your building could walk you through doing an AirBnB with it, just so you get some cash flow if you wanted.” She pauses for a moment as she thinks, “But it might be weird if people found out it was yours-then it would become this thing about staying in your house.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I wouldn’t want that to happen,” Tobin says, “I don’t want people all up I my stuff.” </p>
<p>Angie gives her an important date to be in Portland in October and Tobin enters it in her phone and writes it down, wanting to be positive she has it in a few places. </p>
<p>They end the call on a good note, Tobin promising to call her in week or so to check in. Tobin scrolls through her phone and makes three other phone calls. One to her high school soccer coach and the other to her club coach. Her final call is to Mr. Latham. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Between being on her phone and the computer, reading articles and writing in her notebook, Tobin has missed lunch. She wanders out of the study, smiling when she hears the chuckling of Aunt Meg, Miss Sally and the others and finding them in the kitchen. Her Mom smiles up at her, “Hi sweetie,” </p>
<p>“Hey Ma,” Tobin greets, “everyone,” she nods, “is there anything to eat?”</p>
<p>“I made you a plate,” Aunt Meg states, “it’s in the microwave,” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tobin gives her a grateful smile, moving to the counter to punch the reheat button. She’s not very hungry but has been forcing herself to act normal and not give off any vibes that something is wrong. She doesn’t want her Mom or the others to worry. She turns and leans against the surface, looking at them, “What’s up?” </p>
<p>“Well,” Miss Sally eyes her, “that Christie was here again,” she informs her, not giving anything away when recognizes how tense Tobin grows, “and she said Christen was still feeling ill.” </p>
<p>Tobin bites her lower lip and nods. </p>
<p>“Have you heard from her?” Miss Sally innocently inquires, arching an eyebrow with expectation. </p>
<p>“I haven’t,” Tobin replies truthfully. She can’t lie to them, first off, because she’s not a liar and secondly, she is a terrible liar in the very few times in her life she’s ever tried to get away with something. Her family usually doesn’t include her on surprise party plans due to her inability to keep anything from anyone. All of the women in the room have known her since birth so there’s no way Tobin would get anything past them. Also, she feels Christen should be the one to make the first move since she’s the one that brought this all up. </p>
<p>Tobin is hurt by her demands, feeling that Christen should have been more understanding of her situation. </p>
<p>Aunt Meg leaves her chair and fishes around in the fridge, pulling out a Tupperware container. She finds a plastic bag and places it inside. “Would you be a dear and run that over to her?” she asks, handing Tobin the bag. </p>
<p>Tobin takes it in her hands, making sure her face remains, neutral, “Sure thing,” she says, “what is it?” </p>
<p>“Chicken soup,” Aunt Meg replies, taking her seat. </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “I’ll run it over after I eat,” she announces, setting the bag on the counter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin drives with her thoughts all over the place. Her first instinct is to take a drive and chuck the soup in the trash somewhere. She knew that wouldn’t work, her Mom would ask Christen the next time she saw her and ask her how it was. If there is a next time. If she ever saw her again. Maybe Christen won’t be back at all, she considers, maybe this Christie woman will take over now. </p>
<p>She has no intention of speaking with her right now, she still feels very hurt. It felt like Christen attacked her about Portland and wanted to force her with making a decision. Yet she confused her about what she would do if she stayed here. Her throwing out about just being a hook up hurt a lot too. She doesn’t think Christen wants to talk to her. If Christen was upset enough to call off work or switch patients so she wouldn’t have to see her, then Tobin thinks that Christen should make the first move.  </p>
<p>She doesn’t exactly want to talk to her either. Not right now. She’s still pissed at being given an ultimatum. And even though she has seriously thought of what she wants to do these past few days, it’s not a simple decision for her. Portland is where she became an adult. It’s the first place she ever set down her own roots and let them take hold. She became part of the community, she became an adult, living on her own. After Alex got traded, Tobin kept the apartment to herself for a year and then purchased her condo. <br/>She never thought she’d be a homeowner, it wasn’t something she felt was a must have. She remembers reading something back in college about when a person buys a home, that’s when their adventures end. She thought that was true for many years, but watching her friends in grow into serious relationships, get married and have kids showed her they were still living life how they wanted. They were making it work. She knew she would make it work as well. Yes, the couching surfing slowed down, she didn’t do it as much. She was startled the first time after a national team camp that she was excited to go home. And home meant her condo. </p>
<p>When Merritt and Gavin basically told her she would be a Thorn for her whole career, Tobin felt more secure in being in Portland. They had written it in her contract, a no trade clause. Her, Sinc and Kling were the only ones to have it. She never mentioned brought it up with hardly anyone, yet somehow Allie found out and was hurt about it. That year she struggled with Mark and then forced a trade put a strain on their friendship but they came through it even closer than if that was possible. So, years back when Angie commented how the buying market was a good investment, Tobin started looking. </p>
<p>To say her family was shocked at the news was an understatement. Her Dad came out right away to check it out, walking through it and checking the furnace, replacing the filter and checking out the washer and dryer. He answered her questions about painting the place, giving her options and letting her make decisions on her own. She and her Dad had a good relationship. They recognized how similar they were in being stubborn and driven and respected it. She loved him fiercely and missed him terribly. </p>
<p>Her Mom loved when Tobin would call her about decorating tips, asking if she thought colors went together or what brands of furniture were respectable. She consulted her sisters as well, asking their opinion on how much furniture was too much for the space. She found enjoyment and a sense of responsibility in the whole process of making her condo a home. Discovering and choosing her style, finding unique bookcases and rugs to show off her personality. </p>
<p>The good feeling Tobin is having while she drives suddenly halts as she’s waiting for traffic to clear so she can turn onto Christen’s street. She’s arrived here driving on autopilot without realizing it. Her stomach tightens, her mouth goes dry and she wonders what the hell she’s going to say to her. She pulls in an open parking spot of her small apartment building, it’s actually a house that been broken up into apartments. There are two entrances and Christen’s door is on the left. Tobin sits there for a minute, not turning her truck off, just sitting there, trying to compose herself. An idea hits and she flips open the center console to rummage around for a pen. It takes longer for her to locate some paper, deciding the back of a grocery store receipt will have to do. Tobin bites her lower lip with pen in hand hovering over the smoothed over receipt against the center of her steering wheel. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Chris-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Christie said you were feeling under the weather and my Mom and the gals made you some soup. We hope you feel better, we miss you and hope to see you soon-</em>
</p>
<p><em>T</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin bites the end of the pen, staring at her message. She hopes it conveys the olive branch a little, the part about hoping to see her. She’s uncertain about it. Should she leave it be? She doesn’t know. </p>
<p>She rubs her the back of her neck, feeling nauseous at the thought of seeing Christen. She reaches over and grabs the bag, untying the loose knot and placing the note on top of the bowl. She reties the knot and lifts the bag as she exits her truck, leaving it running. She keeps her head down as she speed walks to the porch, walking up the three steps and setting the bowl in front of the door. She’s thankful her appearance hasn’t been alerted by the dogs and swiftly retreats to her truck, slamming the door, glancing around and backing out and shooting down the street. She shrugs on her seatbelt before she hits the corner, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Then the tears come. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christen was looking out her front window, staring at nothing and feeling an immense amount of regret and remorse over her conversation with Tobin. She had prepared that night to talk to her right after they ate dinner, a nice calm conversation. She just wanted to probe, to pick Tobin’s brain, get a sense of where her head was at. She knows how overwhelming being the primary caregiver is, she knows how singular your focus can get. She was going to be gentle. Understanding. Not pushing her to make a decision, she just wanted to check in with her. </p>
<p>Then she kissed her and everything feel apart. </p>
<p>Christen has spent many a night with her hand between her legs, fantasizing about Tobin touching her as she works herself over, visioning Tobin above her, touching her, kissing her, fucking her. Tobin has been taking up an alarming amount of time in her mind. She wants her. She needs to have her. The thing is though, more often than not, Christen isn’t just visualizing Tobin fucking her, she is seeing her making love to her, building a life with her. She daydreams of being with her, dating her, taking her to her friends’ houses for dinner parties and throwing them at her place to show Tobin off. Spending the day together just doing mundane things.  </p>
<p>She’s been playing their conversations on repeat in her mind, fascinated by how Tobin sees the world. How her experiences abroad has given her such a global perspective on life, politics, history, human behavior and religion. She could talk to her all day and has in the past. She’s never met someone before who has had such extensive views on things, who has seen so much at her age. </p>
<p>Plain and simple, she fucked up. She cornered Tobin, poor Tobin who was completely blindsided. She had lost her cool, demanding Tobin to give her something she knew Tobin couldn’t. And now she couldn’t face her. She was so embarrassed by her outburst, she was sick at how broken Tobin looked, at how she pushed her until Tobin bit back at her. It was the closest she’s ever been to hearing Tobin raise her voice and lose her temper. </p>
<p>Now she’s pushed her away. She couldn’t face her, calling Christie Sunday night, feigning illness and asking her to cover Cindy’s visit. When she hadn’t heard from Tobin by Tuesday night, she called Christie again, feeling it wouldn’t be good to show her face there yet. </p>
<p>She holds her breath when she sees Tobin’s truck slow and turn to park. She’s on her couch, her blinds are open and the sheer drapes prevent someone from seeing her unless they look closely and allowing her to see out. The dogs are asleep on their mattresses near the TV, away from the window and she’s glad they won’t bark. She watches as Tobin sits in her truck and it’s obvious to Christen that Tobin is torn about what to do. Christen is sad realizing Tobin doesn’t know what to do. It makes her heart hurt that Tobin might think she’s unwelcome here. That she doesn’t want to see her. She understands, she hasn’t given much of a choice to think otherwise. Part of her wants to fling open her door and run to her, apologize to her and kiss her and hold her. </p>
<p>The stronger pull she feels is her need to know that Tobin would stay. She’s thought of following her to Portland. She doesn’t like the idea of working for anyone other than herself and she doesn’t know if she could afford to create a second location of her business out there. This job require an immense amount  of trust. She needs to have people she trusts and knows that have her same values in hospice care. Getting her nursing license in another state would be another hurdle to overcome. She knows she could look into it, see what it involves. She should check it out. Maybe she could find a place out there she could work for. She shouldn’t just dismiss it outright. </p>
<p>Oh, Tobin is moving, she’s holding something in her hands, walking briskly up the path to her porch. Christen holds her breath again as Tobin walks with her head down and shoulders slumped up the steps, waiting for her to knock or ring the bell. She’s out of view for a moment and then she sees Tobin retreating empty handed and trotting away back to her vehicle, almost carelessly pulling out and driving quickly away. </p>
<p>Christen tears up realizing she won’t get to talk to her, how Tobin just left. Curious, she slowly leaves the nest of blankets she’s made for herself on the couch, walking to her front door and opening it to see a plastic bag on the doorstep. She opens the screen door and bends down to retrieve it, carrying it inside as if it were a delicate treasure. </p>
<p>She walks to the kitchen table and slowly loosens the simple knot to see a Tupperware bowl. She sees a receipt in the bag and picks it out, noting it’s date of last month from a burger joint. She frowns, hoping it would be something more and just for the hell of it she turns it over and sees writing. </p>
<p>A noise escapes her mouth as she reads the short note. <em>‘We miss you,’</em> her eyes focus on.  </p>
<p>If Tobin wrote this, that must mean she misses her, right? She sniffles and wipes at her eyes, now feeling even worse thinking how Cindy, Aunt Meg and Miss Sally cared enough to make her soup. She pulls the chair out and sits down, head in her hands, crying at her stupidity. I was so stupid to speak to Tobin like that, she berates herself. I have to talk to her. I have to fix this. I’m falling in love with her. </p>
<p>At the sound of her sobbing, Morena and Sereana are at her side, whining for her attention, rubbing against her legs and pawing at her. Once Christen calms a bit, she reaches her hands out to stroke their fur, “It’s okay,” she murmurs, wanting to sooth her pooches and hoping it truly will be okay. She sits at the table, absently petting the dogs until they lay down at her feet, replaying what she said to Tobin over and over in her mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Christen pulls up the driveway of the Heath residence on Friday, it hits her that the wedding is tomorrow. The wedding she’s been invited to and has replied affirmatively that she will be attending. Multiple cars are in the driveway and she shuts her engine off, sitting for a moment and collecting herself. She takes a deep breath and exits the vehicle, pulling her bag out and slinging it on her shoulder, the bag giving her a professional sense and calms her. She walks up the drive, seeing a group of people at a long table in front of the garage. </p>
<p>She hears the drone of the riding mower, her eyes scanning the yard to see Tobin carefully navigating through the yard. She’s traded her usual baseball hat for a straw cowboy hat and Christen thinks it looks good. Jeffrey and Shaina are adding ivy of some type to the trellis that is now assembled and up in the yard. The benches Tobin made are arranged in two separate columns and chairs are behind them with the aisle down the middle. There’s a lot of chairs. </p>
<p>“Christen!” Perry calls out, making her turn to the table and see her waving, “Come on over,” she calls out. </p>
<p>Christen greets her, Cindy, Katie, Aung Meg and Miss Sally at the table. They’re creating bouquets of flowers. She smiles at the mess of the greenery and brightly colored flowers on the table. </p>
<p>“Here,” Miss Sally pulls a chair out, “come sit for a bit, we’re taking a break in a few minutes.” </p>
<p>Christen nods and obeys and sits down, setting her bag on the pavement next to her feet. She’s peppered with questions about her health, all of the women showing genuine concern for her. She feels guilty as she replies about how she’s feeling much better, thinking how Tobin must not have said anything to them about what transpired between them. Perry is the only one who gives her a thoughtful look, as if she’s weighing her answers and it’s then that she remembers that Perry was here last week and she might have seen Tobin after the incident. She decides to play it safe and do her best to not get cornered by her, reasoning that Tobin may have said something to her.  </p>
<p>After a few minutes, most of them get up and leave the table with only Cindy and herself staying behind. They scatter with Perry and Miss Sally setting the complete bouquets in the garage fridge and Aunt Meg and Katie talking as they retreat into the house. </p>
<p>“Want to do my numbers?” Cindy asks, giving her a smile. </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Christen nods, grabbing the handle of her bag and rises from her chair. She walks around the table, glancing over to see Tobin still on the mower, grinning a little seeing her bob her head from side to side. She must be listening to music she figures. </p>
<p>“Perry and Katie will be making sure I’ve got everything I need tomorrow,” Cindy states, “so I want you to relax and be a guest, you hear?” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Christen nods, a smile on her face at Cindy’s thoughtfulness. She’s standing next to her taking her temperature, waiting for the machine to beep. </p>
<p>“I think Tobin is fighting whatever you had,” Cindy frowns and then sighs.</p>
<p>“Oh, she’s not feeling well?” Christen asks innocently, wondering what Cindy means, worried that Tobin may have actually said something to her about what is going on between them.  </p>
<p>“I’m not sure,” Cindy frowns again, glancing at her, “she looks tired and she’s been quiet.” Her eyes are searching for something, as if Cindy knows something is going on yet doesn’t want to interfere. </p>
<p>“Huh,” Christen replies lamely, “that’s unusual,” she adds, unsure if she should say anything more.</p>
<p>“I think this is getting to her,” Cindy continues quietly, confiding in the younger woman, “she just <em>feels</em> everything so much,” she says, wiping at her eyes, “I wish I could take the burden for her,”</p>
<p>Christen feels her eyes well up with tears, here is Cindy, who is dying, and her motherly instinct is to want to take sadness from her daughter. “You know she wants to be here,” Christen states, “it would kill her not to be,” </p>
<p>Cindy nods, wiping at her eyes again, “I know,” she nods again, “I just think she’s running herself ragged,” she frowns, “and she searching for something,” she looks out at the yard, watching Tobin as she mows the lawn, “she’s trying to find something, maybe meaning in all of this,” she sighs. </p>
<p>The two are quiet for a moment, Christen letting her eyes land on Tobin. She can’t help to think she is a factor in Tobin being upset. She bites her lower lip, longing to talk to her, to explain to her how she really wanted to just know what was going on in her head. She didn’t mean to attack her like that, let it escalate to an ultimatum. She should’ve texted her before she had gotten home that night to apologize, to let her know her emotions got the best of her. </p>
<p>“Hey, Ma!” Katie calls from the porch, “You want a snack?” </p>
<p>Cindy turns to nod at her, “Sure,” she replies, “bring a plate out for everyone, will you please?” </p>
<p>“Got it,” Katie says and heads into the house. </p>
<p>“You didn’t bring the dogs,” Cindy states, frowning slightly.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want them to get in the way,” Christen explains, quickly making it up on the spot, “I knew it would be busy,” she says. “Is there anything I can do to help?” </p>
<p>“Well,” Cindy considers, “we’re going to make centerpieces for the tables next,” she explains, “would you like to arrange some flowers?” </p>
<p>“Sure, that sounds fun,” she enthuses, trying her best to act normal and not as if her heart is breaking and she longs to talk to the woman on the riding mower.  </p>
<p>“Great,” Cindy smiles, “that should be the last task to do,” she notes, “We’ll check with Shaina, though.” </p>
<p>Christen glances again and sees Jeffrey and Shaina picking up flowers around the trellis and walking towards them. She lets her eyes roam and the yard and watches as Tobin turns the mower and they make eye contact. Tobin just looks at her and then she moves her head as she drops the cutting blade and continues on her way. Christen swallows at the reaction, unable to read her expression from the distance and Tobin’s hat shading her face and sunglasses blocking her eyes. Her stomach tightens up with anxiety. </p>
<p>Katie and Perry return to the table, Katie setting down a plate with bite sized breakfast quiches on it and Perry unloading an armful of water bottles for them all. Katie is laughing about how her husband Terry is keeping the kids busy watching him play a video game in the house. Shaina and Jeffrey join them, carrying some clear glass low vases in their hands. The group gets to work quickly, using the rest of the cut flowers on the table to make cute arrangements in the vases. </p>
<p>From her spot at the table, Christen keeps glancing occasionally at Tobin, seeing she’s nearly finished with the yard. She frowns slightly with disappointment a few minutes later when she watches her drive the mower out of view to the front. She covers her reaction quickly, but not fast enough for Perry to catch it. </p>
<p>“Hey, Christen,” she says, pushing the nearly empty plate of mini quiches towards her, “would you mind bringing those out to Tobin? She should take a break,” </p>
<p>“Uh, sure,” Christen replies, pulling the plate towards herself and taking a water bottle Katie passes to her. </p>
<p>“I don’t think she even ate breakfast this morning,” Cindy notes, looking over at Perry. </p>
<p>“I think she downed a coffee and started on the grass,” she replies. </p>
<p>“Christen,” Cindy calls out, stopping her after she’s taken a few steps, “dear, if you want to take the rest of the day off that’s fine,” </p>
<p>“Oh,” Christen straightens up.</p>
<p>“We’re pretty well set and just going to hang out,” Cindy explains, “you’re more than welcome to join us, but it’s such a nice day, we’ll never tell if you snuck out early,” she winks at her. </p>
<p>“Oh,” Christen nods slowly, unsure what Cindy is insinuating with the wink. Is it just to take a half day or does it have something to do with Tobin. “yeah, maybe I will, thanks,” she smiles at her.</p>
<p>“We’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Jeffrey asks, smiling brightly and looking expectantly at her. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Christen replies, feeling her stomach churn, “I’ll bring these out to Tobin and then take off,” she says quickly, gathering her bag and purse, “thanks again!” she tries to be pert and bubbly but it comes out rushed and she feels like and idiot as she turns and briskly walks up the driveway. </p>
<p>“Make sure she eats them!” Perry yells at her behind. Christen raises her arm and gives a thumbs up. </p>
<p>Christen sets her purse and pack on the trunk of her car and walks to the front of the house, rounding the corner and watching as Tobin is driving in a circle around one of the trees and then coming towards her. She takes a few steps closer and watches as Tobin sees her and stiffens behind the wheel. Wanting to attempt to clear the air and not make tomorrow completely unbearable, Christen strides towards her as Tobin stops the mower, idling the machine down to a hum. Feeling that Tobin is going to blow her off just from the expression on her face, Christen intentionally stands in front of the machine. </p>
<p>“Hi,” she greets her, her suddenly shaky hands offering the plate up, “I’ve brought you something to eat,”  </p>
<p>Tobin chews on her lower lip and then runs her hand over her mouth, “Thanks,” she says, her voice low. </p>
<p>“Can we sit on the steps and you can take a break?” She asks, giving her a hopeful look. </p>
<p>Tobin really just wants to throw the mower in drive and move past her. She really does. But then she sees how timid Christen looks, how nervous she is and hopeful that she would maybe talk to her. The anger Tobin’s felt towards her over the last almost week has faded into hurt. She’s conflicted with her feelings because she does really like the woman. Maybe even more than like. But it still hurts that Christen choose to push her about knowing what she would do after her Mom dies. </p>
<p>Tobin flicks the key into the off position, “Only because I’m starving,” she says, sliding out of the seat. She follows Christen and sits next to her in the shade on the steps of the porch. She keeps a healthy distance apart. “Thank you,” she says politely as she accepts the plate and the water bottle. She balances the plate on her knees and cracks the bottle open, taking a long drink. She sets the bottle on the step near her feet, then pops a quiche in her mouth, eating silently. She can feel the anxiety radiating off Christen and part of her wants to soothe her, yet another part stubbornly believes Christen should take the lead on this. </p>
<p>Christen sits next to Tobin, her hands tightly clasped together with her forearms resting on her knees. She looks out on the front yard, collecting her thoughts. She’s glad Tobin so easily agreed to come up here, although, she glances over and sees how she’s shoveling in the quiches, she must be hungry. </p>
<p>She waits until Tobin puts the final little quiche in her mouth before she speaks. “I’m sorry,” she says softly, “I’m really sorry.” </p>
<p>Tobin reaches down and lifts the water bottle and takes a long slow drink. “Okay,” she says, busying herself with putting the cap back on the bottle. Her posture is stiff and her movements measured. </p>
<p>“I was way out of line,” Christen continues, “and I never should have told you to make a decision,” she shakes her head, “I was wrong, I was terribly inconsiderate and I’m truly, very sorry,” </p>
<p>Tobin licks her lips and removes her sunglasses, placing them on the brim of her hat and then turns her head to look at her. “It really hurt,” she says, her voice soft and low, her eyes searching Christen’s face. </p>
<p>“I know, I’m sorry,” Christen turns to face her, “I,” she swallows, seeing the sorrow in Tobin's eyes,  “I shouldn’t have ever brought it up like that,” </p>
<p>Tobin bites her lip and nods, “Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” she says glumly. She looks down at her hands, spinning the ring on her middle finger. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen starts, earnestly wanting to get back on track with her, “Tobin, I-”</p>
<p>“Listen, Chris,” Tobin frowns and stands up abruptly, “I know we should talk,” she says, looking at her, “but there’s a lot going on right now,” she shrugs, “the wedding and all that.” </p>
<p>Christen stands up as well, nodding, “Okay,” she agrees quickly, “can we talk next week?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says and they look at each other for a minute, both feeling awkward. </p>
<p>“I should go,” Christen sighs.</p>
<p>“You still coming tomorrow?” Tobin asks, looking uncertain. </p>
<p>“Should I?” Christen questions honestly. </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a small smile, “I’d like you to,” she whispers.  </p>
<p>Christen nods, feeling herself grow emotional, “Okay,” </p>
<p>“I gotta finish this,” Tobin cocks her head towards the front lawn. She picks up the water bottle, “thanks for bringing this out,” </p>
<p>“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Christ replies, stepping down to the sidewalk in step with Tobin. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin breathes, “see ya,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks y'all, you continue to overwhelm me with your thoughtful comments. </p>
<p>I've fixed the Kelley/Sonnet Kelley/Ann thing- went back and edited it. Kelley is with Sonnet.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p>Christen finds herself sitting in between Alex Morgan and Allie Long eight rows back as she ceremony begins. She had taken longer than usual to prepare herself for the event, wanting to look good for Tobin. She was encouraged by their short conversation, grateful that Tobin was willing to at least listen her and wasn’t so upset with her that she wouldn’t want to talk. She thought Tobin was smart to put off the two of them really talking, especially with her family surrounding her right now. </p>
<p>She hasn’t seen Tobin yet, once she arrived she was quickly swept up with the soccer gals, catching up with them while having a glass of champagne before moving to their seats. A silence comes over the crowd when the officiant walks down the aisle and Jeffrey appears from the side and walks to stand at the foot of the aisle. She’s sitting second from the end and when the music starts, she turns her head to see Cindy being slowly escorted down the aisle by Katie and Perry at her sides. The three are incredibly happy, Cindy looks radiant and the smile on her face is contagious and she can’t help but return a smile to her when their eyes meet. </p>
<p>Shaina’s mother comes down the aisle next, looking just as happy. The music changes and Christen shifts in her chair, craning her neck to see Tobin walking forward. She’s wearing a light blue summery dress with a modest top and thin straps, loosely holding a bouquet of flowers and holding Cole’s hand as he hugs a white satin pillow to his chest. He’s greeting everyone he recognizes, excitedly saying hi as Tobin gently leads him towards the trellis. The crowd stirs with muted laughter at his antics. </p>
<p>Tobin sees Christen and gives her a shy smile, her head dipping down as she looks at her through her eyelashes. Christen smiles widely at her, holding her gaze for an extra beat longer and then lets her eyes drop to watch her as she passes, shaking her head at her bare feet and then she gets mesmerized by how Tobin’s calf muscles flex as she walks. <br/>She feels a hand push up her chin and looks and sees Allie smirking at her. “You’ll catch flies,” she whispers with a chuckle. Christen can feel the heat immediately spread across her cheeks and chest. Allie chuckles again and the music changes once more and they all rise as Shaina is escorted for the aisle by her father. She reassured by Allie’s comment because it means Tobin hasn’t said anything to her and most likely any of her friends about what transpired between them. </p>
<p>Christen doesn’t remember much of the ceremony, her eyes are on Tobin, watching how she stands tall, a smile never leaving her face as her brother professes his love to Shaina as they exchange their vows. She chuckles along with everyone when Tobin gives Cole a gentle push forward so he can present the rings. She smiles when the youngster returns to her side, hugging her legs and Tobin affectionately sets her hand on his head, smiling down at him and praising him for doing a good job. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The place cards to denote where the guests were seated were simply small grey flat river rocks with a name and table number painted on them. Christen found herself seated with Alex, Allie, Ashlyn and Ali, Emily Sonnett and she was introduced to Heather O’Reilly and her husband Dave. The NWSL is in play and others couldn’t miss their matches as teams head towards the end of the season. The seat next to her was empty, and she is shocked when Tobin takes the seat. </p>
<p>She explains to the table that Jeffrey and Shaina didn’t want a head table, instead they wanted the small wedding party to sit with their friends. There were ten tables with ten seats set up and they were filled. A little less than half of the tables were strangers to Christen and she assumes it was Shaina’s family. She recognizes many people from Tobin’s birthday party. Within minutes, their table is invited to the food trucks, assembling their plates and heading back to their seats. Table talk is light, Tobin’s friends catching up with each other. Christen is included, Ali asking about her dogs and Alex talking to her about the Red Stars. Everyone is incredibly nice and they have a great time. Tobin surprises Christen by returning to the table and setting a Live Oak beer next to her. </p>
<p>“I haven’t had a chance to say this,” Christen leans over to whisper at her, “but you look amazing,” she genuinely, “really,” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tobin replies shyly, giving her a side eye glance, “you look really pretty,” she says, “just beautiful,” she adds, holding her gaze. </p>
<p>“Thanks for coming,” Tobin says abruptly, “it means a lot,”</p>
<p>Christen smiles, “I’m glad I’m here,” she replies truthfully. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She joins Tobin and the girls on the driveway that’s designated as the dance floor, staying for a few songs before heading to the bar for a glass of water. Earlier when Shaina danced with her father, it was touching, but when Jeffrey danced with Cindy, she wasn’t alone in tearing up at the moment. Cindy glowed while Jeffrey carefully and slowly lead her around, savoring the song with her. It was poignant and deeply moving when the song slide into another slow one and Perry cut in to dance to with her. Then Katie and finally Tobin. Christen was struggling to keep her composure, but when Tobin engulfed her Mom her in arms and held her close, laying her head on her shoulder and Tobin’s chest hitched, she lost it. A muffled cry escaped Christen’s lips and she brought her hand to mouth, her free hand reaching for a napkin. She steals at glance around the table and was comforted to find she wasn’t alone with her emotions. Her whole table was struggling to keep it together. </p>
<p>Now, Christen leans against the railing to the deck, looking on at the dance area and sipping her water. A group of Jeffrey’s friends and family have circled around him and Shaina, one jumping in to dance with them after another. Each dancer is doing ridiculous moves, making complete fools themselves as they get the newly married couple to mimic them. A couple of times Christen laughs aloud, enjoying the carefree attitude this group has. They’re all having so much fun, she thinks. It’s nice. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin’s voice is at her side, she’s just come from inside the house and coming down the steps.  “Hi,” Christen smiles, “how’re you doing?” </p>
<p>“Just fine,” Tobin replies, giving her a toothy grin with squinty eyes, “come with me?” she asks, lifting an eyebrow. </p>
<p>“Sure,” Christen agrees, surprised when Tobin takes her hand and leads her towards the front of the house, the music the DJ is playing fading as they turn the corner. She follows her to the big tree in the front yard, the sounds of the party now replaced by the noises of the night. Crickets and locusts are buzzing, the frogs making their own music. <br/>Tobin guides her to the front side of the tree and Christen gets the idea that nobody would see them if they looked out from inside the house. </p>
<p>“You look so pretty,” Tobin smiles at her, her hand pushing the hair back behind Christen’s ear, lingering for a moment. </p>
<p>“You are gorgeous in that dress,” Christen admits, letting her eyes once again down Tobin’s body. </p>
<p>Tobin grabs her other hand, positioning her against the tree, lightly pressing against her. “I wanna kiss you,” Tobin says, her face close and Christen can smell the beer on her breath. Tobin’s lips are against hers before she knows it and it feels so good that Christen kisses her back. Their tongues tangle as they explore the depths, tasting one another. Tobin is moving fast and is clumsy, making Christen realize she is pretty drunk. Tobin captures her lower lip with her teeth, biting and pulling it gently before dipping her head to her neck, brushing her hair back to place a series of gentle kisses along her skin. Christen exhales loudly at the sensation, feeling herself getting so turned on. Her hands finds Tobin back and Christen shifts her leg in between Tobin’s pressing her hips against it. Tobin moans against her neck, now sucking lightly. </p>
<p>“Wanna go up to my room?” Tobin husks in between kissing along her clavicle.</p>
<p>“Tobin,” she says, regaining her senses, realizing Tobin is a drunk and they’ve haven’t spoken about anything yet and if they slept together, “We shouldn’t,” she says as firmly as she can as Tobin lightly nips at her clavicle and kisses it again. </p>
<p>“We should,” Tobin murmurs, her hand squeezing Christen’s hip a little, “we totally should,” </p>
<p>“Tobin, no,” Christen says more sharply than she intends, using one hand to push back her gently. </p>
<p>Tobin looks up quickly and sees Christen’s serious expression and frowns, “Oh,” she blinks and takes a step back, “I’m sorry,” she manages, removing her hands from her, “I, I,” </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Christen assures her, stepping from the tree and taking her hand, “but you’re a little drunk,” </p>
<p>“I wasn’t trying to force you-” Tobin starts quickly, panic in her voice. </p>
<p>“I know,” Christen soothes, knowing she wouldn’t just by how she immediately stopped when she heard the word no. </p>
<p>Tobin drops her head, her shoulders slumped, “I just fuck up any chance I have with you,” she sighs quietly, her voice full of regret. </p>
<p>Christen squeezes Tobin’s hand, “You don’t,” she says, “come on,” she says, giving their joined hands a shake, “think about it,” she encourages, “you really don’t want to be missing your brother’s wedding by going upstairs and having sex with me right now,” </p>
<p>Tobin scrunches up her mouth as she thinks, “I guess,” she sighs. </p>
<p>“Let’s go back,” Christen offers, pulling her along, “I want some cake and one more dance with you before I have to leave,” </p>
<p>“Do you really gotta leave?” Tobin asks sadly, “I like when you’re here,” she pouts. </p>
<p>Christen chuckles, “I like being here,” she smiles at her as they step onto the driveway, “come on, I want cake,” she tugs on her hand. </p>
<p>Tobin wisely selects a water to drink as they eat their cake back at the table while they chat with Ali and Ashlyn. Christen giggles throughout most of the conversation since Ashlyn has decided to share some embarrassing stories from college mostly about Tobin. </p>
<p>“So, she waltzes up to practice, carrying her broken skateboard and her leg is bleeding and she looks pissed,” Ashlyn says, “and Coach is asking her what happened and Tobin just keeps saying it was a stupid car,” </p>
<p>“You got hit by car?” Christen is horrified. </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “No, I just sort of bounced off it,” she explains while Ashlyn rolls her eyes, “it crushed my board,” she says, shaking her head, “I loved that board,” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Heather chuckles, “how do you explain the time when the firecrackers kept mysteriously going off on the dorm floor your freshman year?” she narrows her eyes at her. </p>
<p>Tobin raises her eyebrows, lifting her palms up in surrender, “I know nothing about that,” she says with her best poker face. </p>
<p>“So, when I found the brick of firecrackers in your room that had nothing to do with it, huh,” Ashlyn smirks. </p>
<p>A small grin appears on Tobin’s face, “Complete coincidence.” </p>
<p>“Did you ever tell Christen about your room in the soccer house senior year?” Allie asks, looking at Christen. </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, looking over expectantly at Tobin. This has been perfect, she thinks, smiling when Tobin laughs and shakes her head. Coming back to the table and talking with her friends was the perfect change of conversation and prevented a possibly difficult exchange between her and Tobin. She doesn’t think Tobin would have been nasty or anything, only that she’s been drinking and was horny and didn’t remember that they were going to talk about their relationship before moving forward. She also doesn't think Tobin is playing games with games with her. She truly believes that Tobin is just a little drunk and let things go a bit too far. She's not mad, she would love to have sex with Tobin, but she knows if they did it would complicate everything. </p>
<p>“I haven’t,” Tobin responds, tilting her head, “come on guys,” she says, giving them a look, “I’m trying to make her think I’m cool and this isn’t helping,” she laughs. </p>
<p>Christen laughs and lays her hand on Tobin’s forearm, “Don’t worry,” she assures her, “I’ll just make you tell me some stories about these guys later,” she chuckles. </p>
<p>Allie lays a hand on her chest, “You would never!” she exclaims, feigning horror. </p>
<p>Christen laughs again, “You forget I went to school with Kelley,” she says triumphantly and waves her hand, “I’m sure you’re all lame compared to her,” </p>
<p>Ashlyn takes offence to her statement, “Wait, wait, wait,” she says, “I know for a fact that I have crazier stories than her,” </p>
<p>Ali affectionately grabs Ashlyn’s arm, “Sweetie,” she says, giving her a kiss on the cheek, “don’t fall into her trap,” </p>
<p>“Trap?” Ashlyn questions, “What trap?” </p>
<p>Christen just smirks and lifts a challenging eyebrow at her. Tobin begins to laugh, realizing what she’s done. </p>
<p>“If you start telling your own stories, she’s won,” Ali explains. </p>
<p>Ashlyn’s mouth opens and shuts as her gears turn internally, then she narrows her eyes at Christen. “You and that Stanford education,” she grumbles as the table erupts in laughter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you again for coming tonight,” Tobin says as they walk side by side to Christen’s car. It’s not too late but Christen needs to let her dogs out and the party is beginning to wind down. Jeffrey and Shaina left not too long ago after they highjacked the DJ’s microphone to thank everyone for coming. “And I’m sorry for earlier,” she apologizes, looking appropriately shameful. They’re standing on the quiet road with the moon reflecting light on them. </p>
<p>Christen waves her hand, “It’s fine,” she says truthfully, “you weren’t obnoxious about it and I appreciate that. You stopped when I said no,” Part of her feels good that Tobin feels bad about it. She can see how sincere she is right now. </p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have let it get that far,” Tobin mumbles, scratching at the back of her neck while she bites her lip. </p>
<p>“It happened and it’s over,” Christen says as she reaches out with both hands for Tobin’s hand and plays with her fingers. </p>
<p>“I’ll be out most of the day on Monday,” Tobin says suddenly, almost a guilty tone in her voice. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Christen replies easily. </p>
<p>“But we’re still on to talk Tuesday?” Tobin looks at her, now with a hopeful expression. Christen nods and takes that as another positive, glad the woman wants to talk. </p>
<p>“Would it be okay if you came over here? Maybe have dinner with me and Mom and then we can hang outside or something and talk?” Tobin rambles nervously. </p>
<p>Recognizing that Tobin really shouldn’t leave her Mom alone and maybe Miss Sally or Aunt Meg isn’t available, she nods again. “No problem,” she replies with a small smile and raises her index finger, “on one condition,” </p>
<p>Tobin straightens up, her fingers tensing in Christen’s hands. </p>
<p>“Do you and your Mom like Mexican? I’d like to bring over enchiladas,” she states, “if that’s alright with you.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and smiles softly at her, “I’ll get some chips and salsa,” she offers, “Matt, one of the farmers we know, makes this homemade salsa that’s amazing,” </p>
<p>“Sounds great,” Christen smiles, now taking both of Tobin’s hands in hers and squeezing, “text me tomorrow to tell me all about how today went?” </p>
<p>Tobin smiles, looking surprised, “Okay,” she nods, “I will,” </p>
<p>Christen leans forward and kisses Tobin’s cheek, “Have a good rest of the night,” she says and steps to her door. Tobin takes a step and opens the door or her, “Be safe driving home,” she says and gently shuts the door once Christen is seated in her car. </p>
<p>Christen keys the ignition and gives her a wave and Tobin steps back and watches her drive down the road, waiting until the taillights of her car disappear from her view. Tobin slowly walks back to the house, her mind swirling with a mix of emotions and thoughts. </p>
<p>I really hope I haven't messed everything up with Chris, she thinks as she walks slowly up the driveway. I didn't mean to come on so strong, I was kind of drunk and she's just so hot. She sighs deeply, then thinks about how genuinely sincere Christen was about it being okay. I really want things to work out with her. </p>
<p>Tomorrow she needs to sit down with her Mom and talk about a few things. She’s been asking her some questions, but she needs some specific answers about the farm. She’s uncertain if it’s something she can handle, but hopefully, her Mom can give her some insight. Monday, she’s having breakfast with her old club soccer coach and then going to the fields with him and visiting the team during practice. It’ll be fun to kick it around a little and see how things have changed since she was last there. It’s been years she’s been at the fields the grew up playing on, the last time was when they named the U-17 field after her. </p>
<p>She smiles at the memory, how nervous she was to speak, how shocked she was at the large crowd that had come out, how many people she hadn’t seen in years coming up and greeting her. It ended up being a really good day with her whole family there and that made it even better. </p>
<p>After hanging out with the team, she’ll make a couple of stops in town and then meet her old high school coach for lunch. She’s excited to see her, they’ve talked sporadically over the years and Tobin makes a point of seeing her when she’s in town. She knows she doesn’t want to coach. She doesn’t want the pressure of winning or losing or dealing with crazy ass parent. She’s more interested in the teaching and learning aspect of the game. </p>
<p>She spent six years in Portland with the Thorns Developmental Academy as an assistant to the technical director. She wanted to take it seriously and went in guns blazing, creating a variety of drills and skill progressions only to have it be half shelved and doled out in small increments, slowly realizing her role was more of a celebrity appearance to bolster the image of the organization. While it deeply hurt to not be taken seriously, she would attend youth practices, moving cones and setting up drills and then get pushed off the pitch and instructed to speak with parents and sign autographs.</p>
<p>She felt kind of betrayed by the Thorns front office, she felt stupid for thinking it would be all they promised it would be. Luckily, her involvement was limited due to her schedule. She was in season with the Thorns when DA was in full swing and the National Team took up much of her time and kept her away from Portland most of the off season. It was easy to step away quietly a few years before she retired. </p>
<p>Anyway, she is excited to see her coach, rehash some old memories and see what was happening with her old high school team now. </p>
<p>She pauses to watch Perry wheel their Mom around in a circle on the driveway, everyone making way for her as she dances in the wheelchair. Aunt Meg blocks her path, shimmying at her sister and the two go into the dance they’ve danced together for years at family parties. Tobin chokes up at the sight, needing a minute to get herself under control. She rapidly steps forward and swings herself around the newel post and skips up the deck steps, grateful that nobody is on the deck right now. She enters the sunroom and sees her Mom’s hospital bed and now her need to be alone is urgent. She wants to go up to her room and have a good cry. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Miss Sally’s smooth voice cuts through her panic and she stops in her tracks in the kitchen. “Come here, child,” the older woman calls out, approaching her with open arms. Tobin crashes into her, sobbing against the woman she’s known for her entire life. She cradles the back of Tobin’s head, her other arm is strong around her, holding her tightly. Miss Sally doesn’t speak, she just slowly rocks from side to side, shifting her weight from one foot to another. </p>
<p>Tobin feels spent when she finally stops crying, her chest hurts from her sobs, her eyes are burning, her contacts itching her eyeballs. She feels physically exhausted, all of the emotions she’s felt today led to this. Seeing how her Mom was relishing every moment of the day and the cloak of uncertainty between herself and Christen has drained her. She wishes was had been able to make it up to her room and then just passed out afterwards, but now she has to pull back from Miss Sally and face her. </p>
<p>“Go to take a shower, child,” the older says quietly, “put on some comfy clothes and come down when you’re ready,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods mutely, unable to look at her, but she squeezes her tightly before releasing, mumbling a thank you. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It takes a while for Tobin to get all of the hair product washed away and she quickly cleans herself and then lets the hot water run down her bent head and along her back. She’s nearly dressed when she hears a knock at her. </p>
<p>“Tobin?” a voice questions. It’s Alex. </p>
<p>“Come in,” Tobin replies, pulling a t-shirt over her head. She’s putting on her glasses when Alex opens the door. </p>
<p>“Hey,” her friend greets, “are you okay?” she asks kindly. </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a half shrug, “Better,” she replies, “I had a meltdown and Miss Sally was there,” </p>
<p>Alex frowns at her friend, entering the room and embracing her, “I saw you come back, you looked so sad,” she whispers to her. </p>
<p>Tobin sighs, “I just got caught up in thinking how happy my Mom is out there, you know?” Alex lets her go and looks at her, nodding understandingly. “And then started thinking if she’ll ever be that happy again?” </p>
<p>Alex makes a sympathetic noise and nods her head. “It has to be hard,” she says, her voice raspy from talking over the crowd this evening, “I can’t imagine what it’s like.” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles dryly, “An emotional rollercoaster,” </p>
<p>Alex gives her a small smile, “I bet,” </p>
<p>Tobin cocks her head, “We should get back,” she suggests and the two leave her room. </p>
<p>The two get stopped by a concerned Perry on the stairs who was also looking for Tobin. Tobin played it off as spilling her beer and soaking her dress, not wanting to worry her sister. Perry doesn’t look completely convinced but then Ashlyn finds them and demands to have one last drink with them before she leaves. </p>
<p>Tobin gets separated from her friends when they get outside, family members are leaving and she’s obligated to say goodbye. She promises to find Ashlyn and her friends afterwards. Later, when her closest friends prepare to leave, Tobin hugs them tightly, unable to shake the ominous feeling the next time she sees them it won’t be under such a happy occasion. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Tobin finally collapses into the bed in the study, she’s unable to sleep. The house is full with the exception of Jeffrey and Shaina who promised to return in the morning for breakfast. They’re off at a hotel spending the night away from everyone. A few cousins have stayed over, Aunt Meg insisted on taking the couch, her adult daughters are in Tobin’s room upstairs. The other rooms are occupied by her sisters and a couple of cousins.  </p>
<p>She lies there, staring up at the dark ceiling, her mind moving a mile a minute. It’s like it’s creating a buzzing noise in her head, this sound of chaos and thoughts keep entering her head and she’s unable to stop it. It’s been like this for her for a few weeks, her having trouble sleeping and it’s only increased after her incident with Christen last week. </p>
<p>She truly sees Christen’s side of things, the idea of growing so fond of someone and committing to them physically and then leaving. If she put herself in Christen’s shoes, she wouldn’t want to do that. She likes her so much. She can’t be mad at her, it just really hurt how she delivered it. Especially since Tobin had told her how single minded she’s been with all that is going on with her Mom. She truly thought she understood. </p>
<p>She’s relieved that Christen agreed to talk to her this coming Tuesday. She glad she came to the wedding. She’s embarrassed with how she came on to her so heavy tonight, her cheeks flaming as she relives the moment. She really wants her. She can’t deny that she’s very attracted to her. She’s ridiculously gorgeous and she’s s incredibly smart and can speak about so many topics. Tobin smiles to herself as she thinks about when Christen is talking about something really passionately, how her eyes light up and her hands are moving. She takes a deep breath to try and relax.  </p>
<p>She knows Christen wasn’t being mean intentionally, she wasn’t leading her on and then losing her nerve when they might finally sleep together. She wasn’t being vindictive. She isn’t like Mary, she repeats to herself, she isn’t deceitful, she doesn’t have an ulterior motive in maybe being with me. She hopes that if she repeats it to herself enough, she won’t have those nagging doubts about her intentions. Then she thinks about how considerate Christen was each time they went to a Red Stars match, always looking out for her, watching if Tobin was getting overwhelmed by fans. Making sure her friends were cool and not obnoxious. Mary would have been in the middle of things, making Tobin stay there and sign autographs and miss the rest of the soccer match. Christen skillfully and gently guided Tobin from the situation and allowed her to enjoy herself. Mary wouldn’t have done that. Mary also would have insisted on sitting in one of the boxes, taking advantage of the food and drink and knowing the cameras would find them during the broadcast. Tobin bitterly realizes how many times Mary would hint about getting the best seats in the house for concerts or games they went to. It was just to be seen. </p>
<p>Tobin has been seriously considering what she is going to do in her future. It’s been exhausting, mentally and now physically. Her brain just won’t shut off thinking about it. She can’t sleep. When she does manage to shut her eyes for a few minutes, she hears her Mom’s voice calling for her in the darkness. Splitting her time between caring for her Mom and concentrating on her options has been draining for her. She’s praying that Tuesday will provide a break and let her relax. She’s wound up that she won’t be able to make Christen understand her thoughts and feelings about things. She’s worried she won’t be able to put her emotions into words. </p>
<p>Light is creeping through the drapes as she contemplates getting up and starting breakfast for everyone. She rolls on her back, letting out a huff, determined to get some sleep. </p>
<p>Just need a little sleep, she thinks as exhaustion consumes her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think you’ve been doing your homework,” Cindy smiles at Tobin, “are you seriously considering this?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods from her seat behind the desk in the study, “Yeah, I am,” she says slowly. </p>
<p>“Then there’s a few more things you need to know,” Cindy states, doing her best to not be elated from the news. She points to the bookcase behind her daughter, “Pull out one of those,” she directs and watches as Tobin selects one of the ledger books and sets in between them. Cindy flips it open, “These are quarterly reports and all the information needed to determine the profit margins to distribute to the farms.” She gives her a smile, her eyes shining with pride, “It’s not much more difficult than the taxes,” she explains, “so I think you’ll get the hang out of it pretty quickly.” </p>
<p>The two review the ledgers and Cindy shows her the formula she uses to calculate gross and net profits, payroll to the farmers, profit sharing and her salary. The next few hours, Tobin takes in the information, her Mom throwing her numbers to calculate and checking her work. </p>
<p>“The third quarter is ending soon,” Cindy states, “how about you take the lead and I’ll check it?”</p>
<p>Tobin’s eyes widen, “You really think I’m ready?”</p>
<p>Cindy nods, “We can call in Hank,” she considers, “he usually meets with me to do it,” </p>
<p>“I’d feel better having some help,” Tobin admits, “at least the first few times,” </p>
<p>Cindy nods, “I know this isn’t in your wheelhouse,” she says, looking at her thoughtfully, “are you sure you’re doing this because you want to? You have so many other opportunities to pursue,” </p>
<p>“Well,” Tobin replies slowly, “you said it doesn’t take up too much time,” she drawls, playing with the pen in her hand, “and if I was in Portland, I could do it from there,” she states with a shrug, not seeing how her Mom’s shoulders slightly deflate at that. Cindy has been hoping Tobin would move into the house after she’s gone and she refuses to ask her and she doesn’t want her daughter to feel she has to. She doesn’t want her to feel obligated to. “I think it’s important to keep it in the family,” Tobin says resolutely, “and I know nobody else is interested.”</p>
<p>Cindy nods, having spoken with each of her children about the possibility of taking on the responsibility. “Hand me that ledger, would you?” Cindy asks, “I want to leave you with five more numbers and see how you do,” she says, “you can work on it whenever.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, pushing a pad of paper toward her, “Just put ‘em on here,” she says, handing her a pen and standing up. “I’m going to get started on dinner, okay?” </p>
<p>“I’ll be in to help in a minute,” Cindy smiles up at her. </p>
<p>Tobin can hear her Mom wheeling towards her through the hallway. She’s taken to using the wheelchair more now. Sitting keeps pressure off her leg and seems to somewhat ease the pain. Tobin has set up a cutting board with vegetables for her to cut up. She tries her best to have her Mom help her as much as she can. It might mean that meal prep is a little longer, but Tobin wouldn’t trade this time with her right now. Tobin has already cut up the other half of the veggies since she’s really hungry, but she doesn’t want to take this job away from her Mom.</p>
<p>The two eat dinner in the sunroom, Tobin set her Mom up in her recliner, helping her out of the wheelchair and bringing her table on wheels in front of her. Tobin gets comfortable in the other recliner, plate in hand as they watch another of Cindy’s favorite movies.</p>
<p>She helps her Mom get ready for bed, there’s the visit to the bathroom, then changing her clothes and diaper and helping her into a nightgown. They wheel back to the sunroom, evening pills are dispensed and Tobin helps her into bed. </p>
<p>Her and Christen had been tentatively texting on and off all day. It’s almost like what it was before when Tobin was still nervous and tongue tied around her. There isn’t any flirting and they don’t touch any deep subjects but it’s comfortable. Tobin asks about the puppies and Christen wants to hear details about the wedding. Tobin reminds her that she’ll be out for most of the day and Christen says she’ll miss seeing her face.</p>
<p>Tobin heads back to the study, iPad in hand with the screen showing the sunroom, intent on working the numbers her Mom has given her to review tomorrow. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, Tobin is smiling when she opens the door to the small diner her high school coach insists has the best lunches in town. Her day so far has been great. Breakfast with her club coach is like slipping on a pair of broken in cleats- its’ comfortable and they pick right up as if Tobin speaks to him every day. She followed him out to the field afterwards, amused at his suggestion to hide in her truck until the team finished warmups. Tobin did it though and the payoff was worth it. She ambled up to the field unnoticed, tapping one of the girls on the shoulder and asking if she could jump in and play with them. </p>
<p>After the team’s initial freak out that she was there, the group settled down and coach arranged some drills for them to perform. It didn’t take her long for the memory to surface doing these same drills for years and Tobin jumped in as well. They marveled at her first touch, how her shots would bend and the back heel passes she busted out when she had three defenders on her. </p>
<p>After the full team scrimmage, she overhead some of the girls saying they should make t-shirts that read I Was Nutmegged by Tobin Heath. After cool down, she answered questions about the Olympics, the World Cup, playing for Thorns and going to see the Red Stars. She posed for photos and signed autographs and promised to come to a match. <br/>Now she smiles when the small metal jingle bell tinkles when she opens the door and the familiar smell of the diner hits her nose. Memories flood back. Even though her and her Mom had been here not too long ago for breakfast, Tobin once again feels like she’s stepped back in time. Everything just slows down, only a few people turn their heads to look at her. She had changed into a fresh t-shirt in her car, giving herself a quick spritz of perfume in the parking lot. </p>
<p>She sees Coach Terry stand up and wave and she makes her way over. They hug before Tobin takes the seat across from the older woman. They talk animatedly the whole time, Tobin catching her up about her Mom, whom she’s known forever and what life is like right now. An hour later, she’s out the door, giving her old coach another hug and promising to talk to her soon. </p>
<p>Tobin considers the offers she’s received from both of her coaches still uncertain if she really wants to coach at all. By the time she arrives at the feed store across town, she knows she that if she had to choose she would want to work with the high school kids. If she took a job with the club, it would go against her feelings of having soccer being attainable to everyone. She doesn’t want to be associated with clubs and the expensive fees for travel. She likes the grassroots approach the National Team fought hard to get recognized. It seems like the high school would be the perfect fit. </p>
<p>She had a feeling she would be offered jobs by her coaches, she knew it would be something on their minds if she was staying in town. Tobin was appreciative of their offers, hedging that she wasn’t sure if she was staying here for certain just yet. Both coaches extended the invite to join them next season, she would just need to say the word. Tobin told them she would and when she knew what she was doing, she would let them know. </p>
<p>Now she’s at the feedstore, shaking hands with the farmers who work the fields her Mom owns. Matt, the farmer who makes the salsa, gives her a jar and refuses to take her money for it. They talk about the weather and Tobin innocently asks how the crops are doing. They crack her up with their exaggerations of how high the corn is and how the soy beans keep growing and growing. It’s all general bullshit and Tobin knows it, the farmers are still slightly wary of her and she can feel it. They all know her Mom is dying and it makes them edgy not knowing what is coming next. Tobin decides to set them at ease. </p>
<p>The group is in the back near the warehouse, sitting around a picnic table near the vending machines. The farmers are drinking coffee or sodas and it’s apparent this is the official hangout for them. </p>
<p>“Listen,” Tobin says, setting the little notebook she carried in down on the table, glancing over at Mr. Latham who gives her an encouraging nod, “I just want you all to know, things will stay in the family. I’m working with Mom and Mr. Latham to make sure we keep this going.” </p>
<p>She sees how they visibly relax at her statement. </p>
<p>“I know I’m young and have a lot to learn,” Tobin continues, “but I really want to hear from you about what you think would be positive changes for your fields and crops and workers and if there are certain things we should consider investing in for the future.” </p>
<p>Eyebrows raise over glasses and one of the farmers nearly spills his drink. “You bullshitting us, girl?” he asks, disbelief in his voice. </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “No, sir,” she states firmly, “I want to know what you need to be more productive, to have greater success. I view this as a team, if I’m going to captain it, I need to know what my players need.” </p>
<p>“Not to be disrespectful,” one of the older men leans towards her, “but you don’t know shit about farming.” </p>
<p>“You’re right,” Tobin agrees, “but I want to learn,” she says, looking around the table, “I don’t want to just write checks, I want your honest feedback. I want to know what hardships you face, if your staff needs more help, everything.” </p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” Mr. Latham interjects, “Tobin here is very serious about this. This is her family’s legacy and she wants to uphold it to it’s highest standards.” </p>
<p>The group is silent for a minute as they consider her. She can feel their eyes burning on her, not unlike stare downs she’s had across the pitch with bitter rivals and she looks them all in the eyes, being sure to make them blink first.  </p>
<p>“Well,” another of the farmers considers, one wearing a red hat and rubbing his chin, “I reckon we could come up with something,” </p>
<p>“I’ve got a couple of books you can check out,” Matt kindly offers, “if you wanna get a feel for what we do.” He’s a year older than Tobin and they went through grade school and high school together.</p>
<p>Tobin nods and flips open her notebook, “I figure maybe we can come up with a three year plan for starters,” she suggests, “and I would want you guys to rank the most important ones to tackle first,” she glances down, “like, insurance?” She shrugs, “I don’t know where we could improve on that, but I see you all carry different policies,” she says, “Is it possible to come together as one unit and all be under the same policy? The rates would go down for the all the equipment and we could probably qualify for group health insurance and get better benefits.” </p>
<p>The men just stare at her. </p>
<p>“What about housing for your workers? Is it on you or them?” Tobin asks, “If it’s on you, what are the living conditions? Do you own your own buildings? Should we look into purchasing some apartment buildings?” </p>
<p>“Huh?” One of the guys slips out. </p>
<p>“I want your workers to prosper,” Tobin states, “I’m sure there’s some way for all of us to prosper, we just have to recognize the areas to improve and work on them.” </p>
<p>The men are looking at each other, trying to figure out if she’s sincere. </p>
<p>“Your equipment,” Tobin states, “how old are some of your pieces? How long do they last and what should be replaced? Who does that expense fall under? You or me?” </p>
<p>“Us,” the man in the red hat gruffly answers. </p>
<p>“Huh,” Tobin nods, as if she doesn’t know this. She knows this. She’s gone over it with her Mom and Mr. Latham and read the contracts that the farmers sign. She’s intentionally playing stupid to her advantage. “I was wondering if the idea of certain pieces of equipment,” she shrugs, “I don’t know, what if I bought some and you guys shared them,” </p>
<p>“Like a detassler,” one of them mumbles. </p>
<p>“For corn, right?” Tobin asks and he nods. “I don’t know, I was just like,” she shrugs again, “daydreaming or something, but what if there was a central building or two that housed stuff like that. Or if there were some additional properties around to expand.” </p>
<p>That got their attention. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” she continues, “maybe this is something we can come together talk about after harvest? When things slow down for you guys?” Mr. Latham had suggested that she give them time since this was the beginning of their busiest time. </p>
<p>“You’re serious,” red hat acknowledges. </p>
<p>“I am,” Tobin replies as seriously, “if this is going to be my livelihood, I want to succeed,” she looks at them all, “but I want everyone on my team to succeed as well.” She shrugs and gives them a smile, “I played soccer all my life,” she says, “it’s a team sport, I can’t help myself.” </p>
<p>Red hat reaches across and shakes her hand, “I’m on board, Tobin,” he says, “and I want to say one thing.” Tobin nods. </p>
<p>“You Mom is a fine lady,” he says, “and she’s always treated us fair. She’s always respected us. It’s a real shame what she’s going through and my heart goes out to you. I lost my Momma the same way. I know you were raised right and will treat us just as good. From what I hear about you,” he says, “I know you don’t talk bullshit. That said,” her looks around to the group and they nod, “I speak for us all when I say we’ll give this serious thought. Hell, I’ve already got some ideas rattling around in my old noggin,” he smiles. </p>
<p>Tobin stands up, “Thank you all,” she says sincerely, “this hasn’t been a decision I’ve made lightly,” she takes a breath, “and I know I’ve got big shoes to fill when the time comes. I won’t let you down.” </p>
<p>The men stand and shake her hand. She takes her notebook and jar of salsa and Mr. Latham walks out with her. “You did good,” he says he opens the door for her to exit, “your Mama would be proud,” </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Tobin blushes, feeling good with how it went although she will admit she was nervous to face the men. </p>
<p>“They come across hard,” he continues, “like I told you before,” he cracks a grin at her, “but they’re all good men. You’ve peaked their interest and they trust you because of who you are. I believe it’ll all work out and we’ll all learn something and make some useful changes.” </p>
<p>“Thank you,” Tobin says, “I appreciate your support,” </p>
<p>He surprises her with a hug, “You’ve always had it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin is mentally exhausted and her body is tired when she pulls into the driveway. It’s been a day. She feels a headache coming on just from all of the information she needs to process. She smiles when she sees Christen’s car in the drive and hopes she brought the dogs. She checks her watch and thinks her Mom might be napping, it’s usually the time she sacks out in the sunroom for an hour or two. </p>
<p>She enters the sunroom quietly and sees her Mom napping in the bed, Morena curled along her side and it makes her smile. Then she looks closer and sees how her forehead is crinkled in her sleep and realizes that she’s uncomfortable. She frowns, hating the idea that her Mom is in pain. </p>
<p>She walks through the room and past the pantry to the kitchen and discovers Christen at the table with her laptop open. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Tobin greets quietly. </p>
<p>“Hi,” Christen offers her a smile. </p>
<p> “She’s in pain?” Tobin gets right to the point. </p>
<p>Christen presses her lips together in a firm line and nods, “She’s had a bad afternoon,” she replies sadly, “we can try to manage it with these meds for a couple of days,” her voice trails off.</p>
<p>“Then the morphine,” Tobin finishes, her shoulder slumping. </p>
<p>Christen nods, standing up, “She could just be having a bad day,” she observes, “maybe just from the wedding and the past few days catching up with her,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she agrees, “it’s happened before,” setting her backpack on a kitchen chair and moving to the pantry. She retrieves three Tylenols and returns to the kitchen for a glass a water. Christen notices her downing the pills. </p>
<p>“You okay?” she asks with a concern in her voice. </p>
<p>“Just a headache,” Tobin downplays, reaching down to pet Sereana who had strolled in from the living room. The dog enjoyed lying on a club chair near one of the front windows to look out at the yard. </p>
<p>“Why don’t you take a nap?” Christen suggests, seeing how worn out Tobin looks, “I can stay here for a few more hours,” she says, “you go lay down.” </p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Tobin looks at her closely. </p>
<p>Christen gives her a little smile, “Yes. I don’t have anywhere to be tonight. I can stay for a while. You get some rest.” </p>
<p>Tobin considers for a moment and now that Christen suggesting napping, it’s as if her body reacts and desperately wants to lay down, “You know to help yourself if you get hungry,” Tobin reminds her and Christen nods. “Thanks for this,” she says, “I’m beat.”</p>
<p>“I’ll make sure you’re up before I leave, okay?” </p>
<p>“Thanks, Chris,” Tobin nods and then yawns, suddenly feeling exhausted, “I’ll see you later,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Beginning of September</strong> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christen had left the wedding feeling more encouraged about her and Tobin. There wasn’t one thing that stood out to her that made her feel that way, it was a combination of things, little things. How Tobin looked at her, how considerate she was of her, how she checked on her throughout the night, making sure she was having fun, if she needed a drink or a sweater. The heat she felt every time Tobin touched her. </p>
<p>Her gut was telling her that even if Tobin moved back to her home in Portland, they could find a way to make a relationship work. She would be willing to invest the effort, she could afford to take some weekend trips. She would consider moving for her. As much as she’s settled here, she could work things out with Christie, see if she might open up a second location of their business out there. The thing about her career is that people die in every city. She knows that sounds cold, but it’s the truth. </p>
<p>She thought Tobin was looking even more tired tonight, even with the excitement of the wedding, she could see how her eyes didn’t have that special shine to them she’s noticed before. She knows Tobin is trying everything she can to be able to sleep at night without much luck. She wishes there’s something she could do to help her more. She’s shared every trick she’s used to help herself on those long sleepless nights. </p>
<p>It’s when she’s walking the dogs that she realizes she needs to have the talk with Tobin. Her Mom is beginning to descend into the serious stages of dying. Soon she won’t feel like going out because the exertion will be too much for her. She’ll take more naps. She’ll lose her appetite. Then her organs will begin to react, slowly shutting down. The pain will increase, she may get moody or begin to hallucinate. It will be a rough road. </p>
<p>She’s lying in bed, having just turned off the bedside light, awake in the darkness. The dogs are snuggled on the bed with her, Morena at her feet and Sereana along her side. The apartment is quiet, slivers of moonlight illuminate parts of her room. She feels a buzz of excitement coursing her through her body, anticipation of her future. She can’t wait for what tomorrow will bring. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her and Tobin exchange texts on Sunday, rehashing the wedding and how wonderful it was. Tobin apologizes again for being so forward with her and Christen accepts her apology feeling that she must if only for Tobin to stop feeling so guilty over it happening. After that, everything is light and airy, they don’t talk about heavy subjects or flirt. She’s fine with it, she knows they need to work their way back to it. </p>
<p>She cleans her house, does her grocery shopping and sits in front of her couch while she eats, catching up on the Red Stars match they played the day before. At halftime she changes a load of laundry and has a piece of cheesecake for dessert while the match is in the second half. Happy that team won, she calls her sister Channing to see what’s new. </p>
<p>“So, how’s it going with Tobin?” Channing asks after greetings are exchanged. </p>
<p>Christen laughs, “Just fine,” she says, “we have to work out a few things, but it’s going good,” </p>
<p>“What type of things?” her sister asks curiously. </p>
<p>“Uh, well,” Christen replies slowly, “our future and what it might look like.” </p>
<p>“She’s not going back to Portland?” Channing asks with surprise. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Christen answers with a steady and confident voice, “we’re discussing it Tuesday.” </p>
<p>Changing hums, “You should pretty sure of yourself,” she observes. </p>
<p>Christen nods even though they’re not on Facetime, “I am,” she agrees, “I think I’m ready to commit to her.” </p>
<p>“Even if she’s in Portland?” </p>
<p>“Yep,” she answers, smiling now. </p>
<p>“Woah, you are so whipped,” Channing laughs, “good for you.” </p>
<p>“She’s special Chan,” Christen breathes out, “and she’s so good. Like wholesome, you know? Well rounded, willing to listen, willing to learn, she’s so compassionate and kind and thoughtful.” </p>
<p>“And hot,” Changing laughs, “don’t forget that part.” </p>
<p>Christen giggles, “Oh, you should have seen her in the dress she wore for the wedding,” she says dreamily, “so looked so beautiful.” She pauses for a moment, “Wait!” she fiddles with her screen, “I’ll send you a photo.” </p>
<p>“Who’s wedding?” Channing asks.</p>
<p>“Her brother’s,”</p>
<p>“Damn Chris!” Channing interrupts her, “You both look amazing, girl.” She lets out a low whistle. “Chris, you’re beaming,” she gushes, happy for her sister. </p>
<p>“I really like her,” she says as if Channing doesn’t already know. </p>
<p>“I can’t wait to meet her,” Channing replies, “she sounds like a very interesting person.” </p>
<p>“She is,” Christen gushes, “do you know she likes to paint? She’s really good, like it just comes naturally to her.” </p>
<p>“That’s cool,” Channing remarks, “hey, how’s it going with her Mom? How’s she doing?” </p>
<p>Christen sighs, “We’re getting close to the beginning of the end,” </p>
<p>“She’s on morphine,” Channing mumbles, remembering the experience with their own Mother. </p>
<p>“Soon,” Christen acknowledges, “their family is so much like ours, they’re so close.” </p>
<p>“Well, it’ll be tough,” her sister says quietly, “but they’ll get through it. You said she’s pretty religious, right?” </p>
<p>“Well, not exactly religious, you know?” Christen says, “she believes in God and goes to church, but she’s not like a Bible thumper or anything. It’s a really personal thing for her. Her whole family, really. Like, you know how they say people should have a personal relationship with Jesus? That’s her. She doesn’t bring it up unless it’s warranted, she answers me when I ask questions, but she doesn’t ever preach or anything. Or judge. She’s curious about Eastern religions and we’ve talked about it a few times, she’s open minded about what other people believe.” </p>
<p>Channing takes a moment to let it sink in. “Huh,” she says, “that’s pretty cool.”</p>
<p>Their conversation takes a turn to other topics, discussing their Father and how he’s doing and their sister Tyler. An hour later, Christen is off the phone, feeling a warmth in her chest like she usually does after speaking to her sister.  </p>
<p>It does occur to her after she's ended the call that while she may be ready to commit, she isn't a hundred percent positive that Tobin feels the same way. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX </p>
<p> </p>
<p>On Monday as she enters her notes about Cindy, Christen determines that she’ll give the woman another two days and if her pain and listlessness persists, then it will be time to contract the doctor and ask for a combination of pain medication. She hears Tobin’s SVU pull up the driveway and smiles to herself. She won’t lie to herself, she knows she’s excited to see Tobin. Even though they’re on unsteady ground right now, she needs to see her. She’s prepared to talk to her tomorrow, she’s prepared to get on her knees and grovel if she needs to. She needs Tobin to know just how much she likes her. How she loves her even. She doesn't want to say it yet unless that's the final card she has to play. </p>
<p>When Tobin enters, Christen immediately sees how exhausted she looks. Alarms go off when she watches Tobin reaching for Tylenol and states she has a headache. She offers to stay so Tobin can nap for a bit, seeing how Tobin’s shoulders relax as she slowly agrees. Within minutes, Tobin is in the study, sleeping soundly. </p>
<p>She wakes her gently around six, having prepared dinner for her and Cindy. She’s already placed her purse and pack in her car, only needing to gather the dogs and be on her way. Tobin does ask if she wants to stay and Christen politely declines, stating she needs to shop for their feast tomorrow night. Tobin nods, understanding they aren’t back to where they were before and says goodnight. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The urgent ring of her phone wakes Christen hours later, her room much brighter when she opens her eyes as she reaches to answer it. She’s alarmed since it’s the tone she set for work, meaning it’s one of her patients and right now that is Cindy Heath. </p>
<p>“Hello?” she answers, clearing her throat, her voice low and rough. </p>
<p>“Christen, it’s Cindy,” her tone is urgent and full of fear. </p>
<p>Christen’s eyes fly open wide and now she’s sitting up. “What’s wrong?” she asks, rubbing at her left eye and shifting to sit on the edge of her bed. The dogs grumble in protest at her moving around so abruptly. </p>
<p>“I don’t know where Tobin is,” Cindy answers, her voice frightened, “her truck is here, I can see it from the window, but she’s not answering me. I tried calling her phone but she isn’t picking up. I think I hear it ringing in the house.” </p>
<p>Christen looks over at the clock beside her bed, seeing it’s almost eight o’clock, just before her alarm is scheduled to go off. She stands, hurriedly heading toward her bathroom. “I’m on my way,” she says quickly, “please just sit tight, don’t try to get out of bed.” </p>
<p>“I won’t dear,” Cindy replies, “I think she’s in trouble,” she continues, beginning to sound frantic, “I can feel it.” </p>
<p>“I’m sure she’s fine,” Christen assures her as calmly as she can while she pulls her sleep shorts down and steps out of them, “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” she states as she walks to her bathroom. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Cindy whispers, “use the key for the back door.” </p>
<p>They disconnect the call and Christen pees, then uses a washcloth to wipe the sleep from her face and brushing her teeth hastily. She gets her contacts in and pulls her hair back and then strips off her shirt, quickly changing into shorts and a t-shirt. She quickly harnesses the dogs, praying they only pee and then she rushes them back into the house. They behave for her, obviously feeling her anxiety. She grabs her purse and her bag, her phone and with keys in hand she locks the door and runs to her car. </p>
<p>The drive over is nerve wracking, Christen is running a variety of scenarios in her head. Did Tobin take a fall is unconscious from a head wound? Is she lying somewhere in the house injured? Is she simply out for a run and Cindy is just up earlier and when she arrives, Tobin will stroll through the back door? Is Cindy hallucinating this whole thing and Tobin is out in the garage?</p>
<p>She simply doesn’t know. Her hands grip the steering wheel tightly, her knuckles are white. She hasn’t felt fear like this since her Mom had her stroke and they weren’t sure of her fate. Her stomach is doing flip flops, making her feel queasy and she taste bile in her mouth. </p>
<p>She hits seventy miles an hour on Tobin’s road, slowing down rapidly as she nears the driveway, turning in sharply. She exits quickly, grabbing her belongings haphazardly and then running across the driveway and up the stairs to the deck, fumbling with the bunny statue to unlock the hidden compartment holding the spare key. Her hands shake as she tries to get the key in the door, glancing up to see Cindy looking on with concern. </p>
<p>She enters, shutting the door hard behind her, grimacing when it slams shut. “Let me check the house,” she says breathlessly, dropping her purse and backpack carelessly on the floor. “I’ll be right back,” she says as she trots out of the room. She tosses her phone and keys on the kitchen table as she passes. She doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary in the living room, breathing a sigh of relief not to see Tobin in the floor after falling down the stairs. She turns to the study, spying the open door. She steps into the darkened room, hearing a noise and smelling the undeniable scent of vomit. She flicks on the overhead light and gasps. </p>
<p>Tobin is curled in the bed, shuddering under the covers. “Tobin!” she exclaims, running to the side of the bed. </p>
<p>Tobin doesn’t answer, her eyes are tightly shut and she’s breathing rapidly with shuddered breaths. Christen sees how she’s trembling under the thin blanket and her face is covered by her hair. Christen moves forward to the side of the bed, reaching a hand out to touch her shoulder. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” she says, giving her shoulder a gentle shake, “it’s Christen, can you hear me?” </p>
<p>She doesn’t respond except to pull her blanket tightly over her shoulder. </p>
<p>“Christen?” Cindy’s worried voice calls from the sunroom. </p>
<p>"Give me a second," she calls back and focuses on Tobin. </p>
<p>"Tobin," she says a little louder, "wake up." </p>
<p>Tobin groans, "Cold," she mumbles, tightening the blanket around her shoulder. </p>
<p>Christen frowns and then trots out of the room, heading back to the woman, “She’s sick,” she states as she enters, formulating a game plan on the fly, “how about we get you dressed and then we can take care of her?” As much as she wants to assess what is going on with Tobin, she knows she has to help Cindy get up and dressed before she can. </p>
<p>Cindy is pulling her blanket off as she nods. Christen brings the wheelchair to her bedside. </p>
<p>The two rush to get Cindy in the bathroom, Christen giving her some privacy while she collects her clothes for the day. Cindy hurriedly gets herself set for the day, Christen helping her mostly with getting her clothes. She’s glad to be doing this, even if it's hurriedly as it gives her an idea of Cindy’s day to day abilities. She sees how her much she struggles with her coordination and the pain level she has in the morning. Usually Tobin takes care of dressing her while she’s here. </p>
<p>She rolls Cindy into the study and hears the woman gasp softly at the sight of her daughter. Christen moves in front of her and takes the metal wastebasket in her hand that Tobin had vomited in and brings it to the hall bathroom to rinse it out. She grabs Cindy’s pills for the morning, a bottle of water and her bag and returns to the study. </p>
<p>“Okay, Tobin,” she says, “can you open your eyes?” She asks as she opens the water and hands it to Cindy. Cindy swallows the pills with a grimace, handing her bottle back. She wheels herself closer to her daughter. </p>
<p>Tobin doesn’t open her eyes although she lets out a shaky breath and mutters, “So cold,”</p>
<p>Christen tenderly brushes the sweaty hair from her face, “I think you have a fever, sweetheart,” she says quietly and calmly, her nursing instincts kicking in. She turns to her bag and brings out a thermometer clicking it on and bringing it to Tobin’s temple. Her eyes widen at the result, “It’s 102.8,” she says, turning to Cindy. </p>
<p>Cindy nods with a frown on her face, “I knew this was coming,” she comments quietly, “Tobin,” she calls out, “sweetie, Mom is here,” </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin moans, weakly rolling on her back.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” she says, reaching over to pat her leg, “Mommy is here.” </p>
<p>“Tobin, we should get you changed,” she says, “your shirt is soaked,” Tobin weakly assists Christen getting her t-shirt off, her arms falling to her sides. She’s breathing through her mouth, her eyes still closed and her forehead furrowed. </p>
<p>“What’s hurting, sweetie,” Cindy asks, “tell Mommy what’s wrong,” </p>
<p>Christen glances over curiously, not used to her speaking to Tobin as if she’s a child. Tobin frowns, her lower lip trembling, “My head hurts,” she whines, “really bad,” she cries, tears leaking from her closed eyes. </p>
<p>“Okay honey,” Cindy comforts, “we’ll get you some medicine and you’ll feel better soon,” </p>
<p>“I’m going to get her a shirt and some washcloths to cool her down,” Christen states, moving from the side of the bed.</p>
<p>“Christen?” Cindy asks, “Will you stop in my bathroom and grab the jar of Vick’s from the medicine cabinet?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Christen says and trots upstairs. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“There, sweetie,” Cindy coos as she finishes working in the Vick’s on Tobin’s forehead and temples, “you’ll start feeling better soon baby,” </p>
<p>Christen had helped Tobin sit up and helped her into a dry shirt and then given her some water to swallow three Tylenol capsules down. Cindy wheeled herself closer to so she could take care of her daughter and Christen stepped back to watch. </p>
<p>“Come here, sweetheart,” Cindy says as she opens her arms and Tobin leans into her, a sob slipping from her lips as her Mom wraps her arms around her. Cindy holds her close and rocks in her chair, stroking Tobin’s hair with a hand. Tobin begins to weep softly while her Mom holds her and makes Christen tear up as she stands witness to it. She feels privileged to be here in this moment to be witnessing such an intimate moment between the two women. </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin swallows roughly, “I should be taking care of you,” she chokes out between cries. </p>
<p>“Oh honey,” Cindy rubs her back, “Christen is here,” she says fondly, “we’re going to let her take care of both of us for a bit,” </p>
<p>“Chris?” Tobin says dazedly, lifting her head to see her, her expression one of not realizing she was here, “You’re here?” she asks incredulously. </p>
<p>“I am,” Christen responds calmly, “can you lay back down? I have some washcloths to put on you to help cool you down,” she says, “and I want to check you out, take your blood pressure and stuff,” <br/>“O-Okay,” her voice hiccups, giving her Mom a squeeze before laying back. </p>
<p>Cindy shifts back into the wheelchair, wiping her eyes and giving Christen a quick smile and a nod. </p>
<p>“Now, we’ll keep these on your head and neck for a bit and then I’ll change them out for fresh ones,” Christen instructs, placing lukewarm wash cloths around Tobin’s neck and on her forehead. “I want to check your vitals as well,” she adds gently as she removes her stethoscope from her bag. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She’s still sleeping,” Christen announces an later as she enters the sunroom, carrying a drink for Cindy.</p>
<p>“Thank you so much for coming, dear,” Cindy says drowsily, her pain medication kicking in, “I trust you with her,” she says, her eyes suddenly alert as she accepts the glass, “you two are good for each other,” she says, taking a sip of her drink. Christen had made her a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast along with a pot of coffee. </p>
<p>Christen’s eyes widen, “Oh, uh,” she stammers, unsure what to say. </p>
<p>Cindy gives her a smile, that same one that reminds her of Tobin, “Stop kidding yourself,” she says fondly, “Tobin won’t let you down, you’ll see.” <br/>Christen wants to ask her what she means but the woman yawns and sets her glass on the table, “She’ll be feverish for most of the day,” Cindy states, knowing this from the multiple times Tobin has shut down over the years. She hasn’t seen one since that terrible time back in 2009 when Tobin was seriously ill. That was when her and Jeffrey were going their divorce. She’s confident this is just a brief illness, though, she’s almost certain of it. “I know there’s chicken broth in the freezer that Meg brought over,” she continues, “that with some saltines and a room temperature Sprite or Gatorade will be good for her.” </p>
<p>“Thank you,” Christen says gratefully, “does this happen to her often?” </p>
<p>Cindy shakes her head, “Just when things get too big for her process,” she frowns, “I really thought it would have happened before now,” </p>
<p>“How long will she be sick?” Christen wants to know. </p>
<p>“She’ll probably start feeling a little better by tomorrow night, definitely by the day after,” Cindy sighs, “I should call Meg and have her come over.” </p>
<p>“I can stay,” Christen offers eagerly, “I’d like to stay,” she affirms with a more calmer tone. </p>
<p>Cindy eyes her for a moment and then smiles, “That would be wonderful, dear,” she gratefully, “you’re very kind. Do you need to run home for the dogs? It’s wonderful having them here, they’re such sweet animals.”  </p>
<p>“I should,” Christen considers, “I should get some clothes and stuff. Should I run out now?” </p>
<p>“That would be fine,” Cindy agrees, “I’ll take my nap and I’m sure Tobin will be sleeping at least until dinner time,” she gives her a small grin and there’s a twinkle in her eyes, “and I promise to stay right here until you get back.” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “Thank you for that,” she says genuinely, “I didn’t want to have to worry about you too,” </p>
<p>Cindy chuckles, “Tobin is handful enough,” she says and Christen isn’t sure if she means right now being sick or just in general. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She's just returned from her apartment with the dogs and after checking on Cindy, she returns to the study. Tobin moans and turns her head slightly while Christen changes out the now warm washcloths with fresh slightly cooler ones. “It’s okay,” Christen says softly, “you’re going to be okay.” Tobin mumbles something unintelligible as her forehead furrows again and then she’s out again. </p>
<p>Christen sits on the side of the bed, watching as Sereana enters the study and hops on the twin bed, circling a few times before settling down and lying near Tobin’s feet. When she had returned to the house, Morena immediately went to Cindy, scrambling up carefully on the hospital bed and belly crawling towards the woman. Cindy greeted her fondly with her hands out, petting the dog as Morena happily wagged her tail before lying next to her. Then she went to check on Tobin. </p>
<p>She runs her fingers along Tobin’s forearm, noting how Tobin is still feverish although she isn’t shaking as she was earlier. She studies her face, how her expression isn’t one of being at rest, instead, Tobin is slightly grimacing and her forehead crinkles every now and then as if she’s in discomfort. Tobin flinches, a loud breath escaping her lips and she shivers. Christen moves her hand and tenderly caresses Tobin’s jaw and she stills. Christen absently smiles down at her, letting her fingers trail along the side of her face, then laying her hand on her sternum. She feels how Tobin’s breathing steadies, slow inhales and exhales. She remains there for a few minutes, just watching while she sleeps. </p>
<p>Eventually she moves her hand and stands up, thinking she should just let her rest and leaves the room. She walks to the kitchen, lunch time is approaching and she wants to see what she can offer Cindy to eat. She finds quite a few choices in the fridge and opens the freezer finding one of the many small containers of chicken broth. She pokes her head in the sunroom to see Cindy is sleeping, Morena lying with her head on her stomach. She frowns, knowing that Morena senses her terminal illness. </p>
<p>That’s one of things Morena does, she alerts her when her patients are beginning to decline. It’s one of those she didn’t notice for almost seven months. She would wait until she got to know the families she worked with before deciding if she thought they would mind if she brought her dogs. Almost ninety percent of the time the families would welcome the pups and enjoyed how they provided a natural distraction and gave comfort to the whole family. The other valuable purpose they provided was how Morena would key on the patient, always remaining near them and alerting her to when things had changed in their health. If Christen had to hazard a guess, she would think that Cindy doesn’t have more than a few weeks before things get very, very serious.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After lunch, Cindy insists Christen go and do whatever she wants, just take the iPad to check on her occasionally. She wants to watch one of her favorite movies and assures her she would be fine on her own. She returns to the study, rousing Tobin from sleeping, intent on giving her another dose of Tylenol. </p>
<p>Tobin yawns while her eyes as still closed, then she blinks rapidly, her eyes watering at the brightness of the room. Christen swiftly leaves the bedside and shuts off the overhead light, letting the natural light of the outdoors softly illuminate the room. “Hi,” she greets quietly as she sits on the side of the small bed, “how are you feeling?” </p>
<p>Tobin yawns again, “I don’t know,” she replies, her voice rough and gravelly, most likely from breathing with her mouth open. “You’re here?” she looks startled, “Is Mom alright?” </p>
<p>“Yes, she’s fine,” Christen calmly assures her with a nod, “you, on the other hand, are sick. Can I take your temperature?” she asks, now holding the small device in her hand. She’s been quietly sneaking in every hour to check it and has been pleased to see it’s decreasing slightly. She was always surprised that Tobin wouldn’t even flinch when the device would signal the temperature. Tobin sniffs and gives a little nod, clearing her throat and then her eyes are on her. She silently watches as Christen holds the tool to her temple, watching as the digital display blinks as it analyzes the temperature. It beeps and Tobin winces, pulling her head away with a frown, “That’s loud,” she complains mildly and yawns again, “what is it?” </p>
<p>“102.1 degrees.” Christen frowns, “You should take some more Tylenol,” she states, “do you think you can handle some Gatorade? I don’t want you to get dehydrated,” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin mumbles, then groans as she tries to sit up, limply falling back on the matress. Christen’s hands are on her, helping her into the sitting position and Tobin has her hands on the mattress to steady herself as she sways from side to side. </p>
<p>“Dizzy?” Christen asks, concerned she might be sicker than she or Cindy thought, “Are you going to vomit?” </p>
<p>“Just dizzy,” Tobin mumbles, closing her eyes for a moment. Christen stays in place with one hand on her shoulder and the other on her back, keeping her upright until she feels Tobin shift to sit on her own. </p>
<p>“I’ll be right back,” she says quickly, swiftly turning and trotting out to the kitchen. Tobin is scratching her scalp with half open eyes and her mouth open when she returns just minutes later. Christen hands her the bowl of soup and her eyes widen at how shaky the woman is. She swiftly takes it from her, not wanting her to spill and burn herself. She sets the items in her hands down on the edge of the desk and pulls one of the club chairs close to the bed. Then she moves the side table over and arranges the items on it before she sits. </p>
<p>“Pills,” she says, holding them up pinched between two fingers. Tobin dutifully opens her mouth wider, leaving her hands on the mattress to keep herself steady. Christen places them on the tip of Tobin’s tongue, frowning at how worn out Tobin looks. She spins the cap off the Gatorade and hands it to her. Tobin’s hand is so shaky, Christen wraps her fingers around Tobin’s hand to steady her, guiding it to her lips. Tobin wants to chug it but Christen easily lowers it from her mouth. </p>
<p>“You shouldn’t chug,” she cautions gently, “it might make your belly hurt,” Tobin whimpers and nods, not feeling very talkative. </p>
<p>“Do you want to try some soup?” Christen asks as she reaches for the bowl and spoon, giving her an expectant look. </p>
<p>Tobin blinks at the bowl, looking uncertain, “I’ll try,” she drawls, her voice rough and low. </p>
<p>“Do you feel sick?” Christen asks, trying to read her expression. </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “Not hungry,” she says, “but I know I should try,” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a small smile, “Okay,” she says, dipping the spoon in the hot liquid and blowing on it before extending her arm for Tobin to take it. She feeds her spoonful and after spoonful, noticing how Tobin’s eyes are glassy and her eyelids are growing heavier. There’s a fine film of sweat coating her face and neck and she shivers. </p>
<p>“A few more?” Christen encourages holding the spoon in front of her. Tobin opens her mouth and swallows and then rubs at her eye, “Can I have some Gatorade?” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Christen says. Tobin takes a few sips and sighs. “Tired?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, “just wiped out,” </p>
<p>Christen stands up, “Let’s get you back in bed then,” she suggests softly and Tobin nods and slides back and lies down as Christen covers her. Tobin sighs deeply, her eyes closed and she looks absolutely spent to Christen. </p>
<p>Suddenly her eyes open and she looks at Christen full of panic, struggling to sit up, “My Mom!” </p>
<p>Christen presses on Tobin’s shoulder, topping her motion, “She’s fine,” she assures her, “she’s watching a movie right now,” she presses a little harder, “you need to sleep,” </p>
<p>Tobin relents and lays back down, looking up at her, “You’ll watch her?” she pleads, tears leaking from the corners for her eyes. Christen scoots to the edge of the bed, stroking the side of Tobin’s head, “I’ll take care of her, babe,” she says soothingly, hoping Tobin doesn’t notice how the term of endearment slips out, “I’m going to stay the night and make sure she’s fine okay?” </p>
<p>Tobin’s fingers wrap around Christen’s wrist, “Thank you,” she says, her voice hoarse, “I’m just so tired,” she sounds as if she might start crying. </p>
<p>Christen nods, looking into her eyes, “I’ll be here,” she says, “I’m not going anywhere,”</p>
<p>Tobin swallows and nods, her chin quivering. She feels so crappy, her head is pounding and she’s freezing and sweating and she’s just so tired. She’s so grateful that Christen is here. She’s shocked as hell but so grateful. She swallows again, her emotions all over the place, blinking at Christen who is looking down at her with such affection. </p>
<p>“I” she starts and realizes she doesn’t know how to convey her feelings right now.</p>
<p>“Close your eyes,” Christen speaks, her voice soothing and calming, “just let yourself drift off,” </p>
<p>“You’ll be here?” Tobin asks, her eyes wide, watching as Christen nods her head. “Okay,” she relaxes a little, “You have the iPad?” </p>
<p>“I do,” Christen replies, “you need to rest,” </p>
<p>Tobin swallows again, feeling helpless and pitiful and embarrassed she’s so weak in front of this woman, “Okay,” she agrees, taking a deep breath and slowly letting releasing it. She lets go of Christen’s forearm and pulls up the blanket over her shoulders. She closes her eyes and Christen’s face is imprinted n her mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Her temp is lower,” Christen announces as she walks into the sunroom, taking a seat in the recliner, “101.8.” </p>
<p>Cindy nods, “Oh, good,” she sighs, “thank you again for being here,” she says genuinely, “I’m so thankful for you.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you called me,” Christen replies quietly. </p>
<p>Cindy smiles at her, “Now, you said you’ve never watched an Agatha Christie movie,” she notes, “so you’re in for a treat. This is Murder on the Orient Express. Made in 1974 and starring Albert Finney as Hercule Poirot, a master detective from Belgium.” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a big smile, “Do you want some popcorn?” </p>
<p>“We have some?” she asks with big eyes. </p>
<p>Christen stands up, “I saw some in the pantry,” she gives her a grin, “extra butter?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hours later and long after Cindy has gone to sleep for the night, Christen finds herself in the study, sitting in the club chair next to the bed, reading. Christen has taken the dogs out and they’ve settled down, Morena in bed with Cindy and Sereana currently lying near her feet. She’s let Tobin sleep, her last reading showed her temperature dropping again to 101.5. She contemplated waking her to give her another dose of Tylenol but then decided against it, thinking that if her temperature spiked again, she would wake her. She plans to wake her around midnight and see if she can convince her to eat and drink a little more. Then she’ll give her a few more Tylenol. She wants to make sure she doesn’t get dehydrated. </p>
<p>Christen is engrossed in the Agatha Christie book Cindy directed her to find the study. She really enjoyed the movie she watched with the woman, finding the characters interesting, the plot filled with twists and red herrings and she wasn’t sure who the killer or killers were until the very end. Her and Cindy talked quite a bit about Agatha Christie after the film was over and Christen is fascinated by the woman. She finds herself growing attached to Cindy and it makes her heart ache. She wishes desperately that things were different, Cindy is truly a wonderful person who is carrying her illness with such grace and bravery. She feels privileged to be here to guide her through this process. </p>
<p>“Chris?” Tobin’s raspy voice croaks, moving under the blanket.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” she replies, using the sleeve of the book to mark her place. She sets the book down, “How are you feeling?” </p>
<p>Tobin goes up on her elbows, squinting at her, her nose crinkled as she thinks, “I need to pee,” she announces, “and I’m starving.” She slowly slides her legs over the edge of the bed. </p>
<p>Christen stands up, “I’ll help you up,” she offers. </p>
<p>Tobin kind of smirks, “I think I can-” she starts to say as her knees wobble and plops back on the bed. “Woah,” she blinks, “I’m all sorts of dizzy,” </p>
<p>“Just take a minute,” Christen cautions, “and we’ll go slow when you stand.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin had insisted on peeking into the sunroom to check on her Mom and by the time she had slowly walked, with Christen’s hand around her waist since she was still unsteady on her feet, from the study to the hall bathroom to the sunroom and then the kitchen, she has broken out in a sweat. She heavily sits down in the kitchen chair and immediately her elbows are on the table, her arm cocked up holding her head. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Christen asks as she easily maneuvers around the kitchen, knowing where everything is. She’s in the process of heating up the soup again and making Tobin a PB and J sandwich. </p>
<p>“I have such a headache,” Tobin mumbles. </p>
<p>“Do you have your contacts in?” Christen questions, thinking Tobin’s eyes would be burning by now if she’s had them in for so many hours. </p>
<p>Tobin lifts her head and blinks absently, “I don’t think so,” she murmurs, sounding surprised. </p>
<p>Christen chuckles as she sets the plate in front of her, “Do you remember where your glasses are?” </p>
<p>“Uh,” Tobin considers, “study or my bedroom?” </p>
<p>“I’ll be right back,” Christen says, giving Tobin’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, “don’t eat that too fast,” she cautions and Tobin nods as she chews. </p>
<p>She returns shortly after finding the glasses in the study on the desk. She hands them to Tobin who immediately puts them on, blinking owlishly at her. “Much better,” she comments and then takes a drink. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, this feels good,” Tobin sighs as she lays back in bed immediately closing her eyes. “Thank you again,” she says quietly as Christen pulls the blanket up and gets her thermometer from the small table near the bedside. </p>
<p>“You’re welcome,” she says as she holds the device up to Tobin’s temple, waiting for it to register Tobin’s current temperature. It beeps and Tobin scrunches up her face and Christen thinks she looks adorable in the moment. </p>
<p>“What is it?” Tobin questions, her eyes now on her. </p>
<p>“Hum?” Christen raises her eyebrows. Tobin gives her a small smile, she still looks ill, she’s pale and her eyes don’t shine like they normally do and yet Christen finds her beautiful. Even if she’s beginning to smell a little ripe. </p>
<p>“My temperature?” Tobin asks slowly, tilting her head and confused why Christen is smiling at her. </p>
<p>“Oh, right, if course,” Christen fumbles, “uh, it’s 100.4” </p>
<p>“Huh,” Tobin is all she can think to say, still confused by Christen’s zoning out. </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head to get herself together, “So,” she says, taking control again, “I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight,” she states, “so I can hear if you need me,” she nods, “and I’ll have the iPad in case Cindy needs me.” </p>
<p>Tobin turns her head away to yawn, “Okay,” she replies sleepily, taking off her glasses and setting them on the table, “you can use my pillow and blankets from upstairs if you want,” she offers tiredly, feeling exhausted. </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Okay,” she says, “get some sleep and I’ll see you in when you wake up,” </p>
<p>“Thanks, Chris,” Tobin sighs, rolling to her side. </p>
<p>Christen retreats from the room, shutting the overhead light off as she leaves. She does retrieve two blankets and a pillow from Tobin’s room and organizes herself in the living room. When she snuggles in, she inhales deeply, the scent of Tobin surrounding her. She smiles when she closes her eyes, sleep finding her quickly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What kind of a night did she have?” Cindy asks Christen as she finishes brushing her hair. It’s the next morning and Christen is helping Cindy get dressed for the day. </p>
<p>“She threw up after having that sandwich,” Christen frowns, “and her temperature shot back up to 102 degrees again for a couple of hours.” </p>
<p>Cindy nods pensively and sighs. </p>
<p>“I gave her more Tylenol and she slept the rest of the night,” Christen reports. </p>
<p>“She’s not awake yet, is she?” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “Not yet,” </p>
<p>“If she doesn’t wake up, we’ll get her up by lunch time,” Cindy sighs, “and hopefully she’ll be feeling better.” </p>
<p>“Sounds good,” Christen agrees. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After lunch Christen wanders into the study, keeping an ear open for Tobin. She was in Cindy’s bathroom, taking a shower. Christen had insisted Tobin use the shower chair and was slightly surprised when Tobin agreed. She was still unsteady on her feet and feeling weak. Tobin did manage to eat some soup and had shared that her headache wasn’t as terrible as before. </p>
<p>Christen has brought fresh sheets, a pillowcase and another thin blanket and begins to change out the bedding. As she passes by the bedroom, she can hear Cindy speaking to Tobin, she had wheeled in the bathroom to keep her company and also keep her from being stubborn and over doing it. Christen walks to the washing machine with her arms full of bedding. She adds the detergent and starts the machine, noting there are some dirty clothes in the basket and she would attack them next. </p>
<p>Miss Sally arrives around ten o’clock, bringing in two bags with groceries. Her and Cindy chatter away at the kitchen table, Cindy slicing vegetables while Sally seasons a roast. Cindy seems better today, Christen notes, still in pain yet it appears more manageable. Tobin is passed out in the study, curled in a tight ball, low in the bed. Christen feels the need to be near her, sitting on the bed and stuffing the unused pillows behind her back. She brings her feet up on the bed, snuggling into a comfortable slouch and enjoying the soft breeze coming in through the partially open window. She opens fingers open her book and is soon engrossed. </p>
<p>After a few minutes, she feels the bed move, glancing up and seeing Tobin moving around a little. She’s still asleep and scoots over, rolling on her side and snuggling up against Christen’s leg. She settles her head on the top of Christen’s thigh, sighing deeply and stilling her movements. She smiles down at the sight for a few minutes, studying Tobin’s sleeping face, seeing her forehead clear of wrinkles, finally looking as if she’s truly resting now. She turns her attention back to her book, sighing happily. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Chris?” Tobin’s low gravelly voice cuts through the air. </p>
<p>“Hum?” Christen replies as she sets her book down, looking down at Tobin’s sleepy face. </p>
<p>“I’m so grateful you’re in my life,” she says, her voice rough and still filled with sleep, “I’m going to take over the farm.” </p>
<p>Christen tenses as scenarios run through her mind. </p>
<p>“I’m not totally sure if I’m going back to Portland,” Tobin continues, “but I know I’ll be spending a lot more time here.” </p>
<p>“Oh…” is all she manages. She feels Tobin lift her head and sees Tobin’s large brown eyes searching her face.</p>
<p>“Chris,” she says, “I haven’t gotten it all figured out,” she gives her a half smile, “but I know I want you in my life.” </p>
<p>Christen’s chest fills with emotions, her cheeks go hot instantly with a blush. She moves the book to the table and uses her elbows to scrunch down the bed, lying on her side, now their heads even. “I’m so sorry I pushed you,” she apologizes, “you were right, I of all people should have known how you were feeling. I’m sorry,” </p>
<p>She sees how Tobin drops her eyes when she finishes speaking and she knows Tobin is waiting for her to explain herself without needing to ask. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” she says quietly, “if we had slept together and you left,” she looks directly into those expressive brown eyes, “I would be devastated. My heart would be broken.” </p>
<p>Tobin keeps her eyes on her, “It wouldn’t be easy for me either,” she admits, “Chris, I” she pauses, “I like you so much, I really do,” she shifts herself up on one elbow, mimicking Christen’s pose, “I feel myself falling for you,” she says quietly, her eyes looking into the green of Christen’s irises, praying she hasn’t said too much. </p>
<p>Christen can’t help but tear up, “I’m falling for you, too,” she says softly, sniffing and then smiling, “I was so scared that I would be falling for you and then you would leave,” </p>
<p>“Would you be okay if we worked on it?” Tobin asks, “Like, there might be some long distance, I don’t know yet, but if we commit to it, would you do it?” </p>
<p>Christen is nodding before stops speaking, a wide smile on her face seeing the pure joy on Tobin’s pale face. Christen moves her hand to caress Tobin’s jaw, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, sweetheart,” she says and her voice trembles with emotion. </p>
<p>“I know,” Tobin nods, “it hurt,” she admits, “but I know you’re not a mean person and you weren’t being malicious,” </p>
<p>“I couldn’t face you after,” she shares, “I was so embarrassed and felt so horrible that I upset you so badly,” </p>
<p>“I was afraid you’d never come back,” Tobin confesses, “I was still pissed but I knew you were hurting too,” her voice drops down to a whisper.</p>
<p>“I was afraid you would fire me,” Christen admits, “that you wouldn’t want to see me anymore,” </p>
<p>“I couldn’t do that to you,” Tobin says hurriedly, “I wanted to see you again,” </p>
<p>“Can we just talk about what we’re feeling?” Tobin questions, “Like, I’ve got some more thinking to do,” she admits, “but I want you know what I’m struggling with.” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Well,” she says with a wistful grin, “I’ve apparently threw the whole don’t involved with a patient’s family member out the window,” </p>
<p>“I’m glad you did,” Tobin husks, “I’m glad you thought it was worth it,” </p>
<p>“So am I,” she agrees and shifts a little. “You will always be worth it, Tobin,” she confesses, feeling the emotions hit her deeply, “I’m willing to be flexible if you think you’ll be spending some time in Portland,” she breathes in deeply, “I want to be with you,” </p>
<p>“I want to be with you,” Tobin insists, “and I just want to be clear, I’m not sure if I’m going back to Portland full time or part time or what. I know I’ll be taking care of the farm, but I don’t know exactly what that will look like yet.” </p>
<p>“I understand,” Christen nods. </p>
<p>“You’re a big part of why I’d be coming back,” Tobin admits, “and the farm and the house and other stuff. I just don’t know that I could give up Portland completely,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, rubbing her chin against the crown of Tobin’s head, “It’s going to take some time for you to figure out your options,” she states, “and if you want to bounce ideas off me, that’s fine. I’m all ears,” she says, “if there’s things you need to work on first, I’ll give you space for it.” </p>
<p>“I know,” Tobin says, nodding against Christen’s chest, “and thank you. I’ve been talking to my manager about stuff. My high school and club coaches both offered me jobs,” she adds, “but the more I think of it, the more I don’t think I’m cut out for coaching.”</p>
<p>“Can I ask a personal question?” </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “Chris,” she says, “we’re literally talking about our future together, you can ask me anything!” </p>
<p>Christen chuckles and pokes at Tobin’s head, “Hey,” she says with a smile on her face, “I’m being respectful,” she argues although there’s a giggle in her voice. </p>
<p>“Ask away,” Tobin settles down, her hand moving onto Christen’s stomach, slowly making random circles on her shirt. </p>
<p>“Are you financially okay to take your time and figure things out?” Christen asks seriously. </p>
<p>“I am,” Tobin answers, “I’m pretty lucky to be able to have socked a bunch of money away,” she says, “my financial planner is super smart. Back when I first started playing, the leagues were so uncertain, I lived super cheap, stayed on a budget and saved as much money as I could. I never really changed that a whole lot, I don’t need much.” </p>
<p>“Well,” Christen draws out the word, “maybe don’t stress yourself out trying to make a plan super fast, okay?” </p>
<p>Tobin sighs, “I think that’s a good idea,” she says wearily. </p>
<p>The two are quiet for a minute, Tobin already has her eyes closed.</p>
<p>“I’ll always feel bad for pushing you like that,” Christen drops her eyes, “I just started spiraling when I was talking, I couldn’t stop myself,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and then shifts to lift Christen’s chin so their eyes meet, “What do you say we put that behind us,” she gently suggests, “and we build from here,” she gives her a small, hopeful grin. </p>
<p>Christen slowly matches Tobin’s grin, nodding slowly with her. “Will you kiss me?” she asks. </p>
<p>Tobin grimaces, “I’m so gross,” she says, shaking her head. </p>
<p>“Kiss me,” Christen giggles, bringing her other hand to Tobin’s waist and pulling her closer, “Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,” her melodic laugh fills Tobin’s ears. Tobin leans in and places a chaste kiss on her lips, smiling at her. </p>
<p>Christen moves her arm and lets her head fall to the mattress, looking up at Tobin, “How are you feeling, babe?” </p>
<p>Tobin lets her head fall as well, closing her eyes for a moment, “Super tired still,” she says, the trace of a smile on her face from Christen calling her babe. </p>
<p>“Headache?” </p>
<p>She shakes her head.</p>
<p>“Tummy hurt?” </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “Nah,” she says, then gives her a grin, “my heart is full,” she cheeses. </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “You’re awful,” she chuckles and then her eyebrows raise, “Malacious?” she questions, a playful expression on her face. </p>
<p>“I did get an education at UNC, yo,” Tobin smirks.</p>
<p>Christen rolls her eyes, “You look tired,” she observes, “can you nap some more?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Stay with me?” </p>
<p>Christen smiles and rolls on her back, “Come over here,” she invites, bringing an arm around Tobin’s shoulders and pulling her onto her chest. “Sleep,” she coos, feeling how Tobin relaxes against her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Two hours later, Miss Sally quietly peers into the study, a smile spreading across her face when she sees the two women curled up together. She returns to the kitchen, assisting Cindy into her wheelchair and they slowly roll to the doorway of the study to per inside. Cindy looks at the two for a few minutes and then looks up at Sally, giving her a wide smile. The two quietly retreat back to the sunroom. </p>
<p>“Did you see them?” Sally asks excitedly, “They are so adorable,” </p>
<p>Cindy grins at her, “Christen was very insistent in wanting to stay here while Tobin is sick,” she raises her eyebrows as she nods knowingly at her best friend, “I think whatever happened between them has been resolved.” </p>
<p>Sally crosses her arms and gives her a shrewd look, “I’ll totally believe it when I see them kiss,” she nods. </p>
<p>“I’ll give you that,” Cindy agrees, “but I think we’ll be able to tell just from how they look at each other.” </p>
<p>“Ah,” Sally sticks her index finger up, wagging it, “Yeah, that’s probably right,” </p>
<p>The two smile excitedly at each other and then break out in laughter.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tobin, no.”  Chrsiten states sternly, her hand on her hip and looking serious.</p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes and sighs, “But Chris…” she holds her hands up, “it’s been like a week,” </p>
<p>“Tobin, it’s Friday. You were so sick Monday and Tuesday and still didn’t feel good on Wednesday,” Christen reminds her, “you need to rest for a bit.” She gives her a slight glare, “And that means no running.” </p>
<p>Cindy is looking on with amusement from the kitchen table where she sits working a puzzle with Sally and Aunt Meg. Tobin and Christen are in the sunroom discussing Tobin’s desire to go for a run. </p>
<p>“I’m so bored,” Tobin whines, “I need to get out and do something,” </p>
<p>“She’s really giving Christen a hard time,” Sally murmurs with a grin on her face. </p>
<p>“That girl has some backbone,” Aunt Meg adds and the three nod knowingly. Christen isn’t going to give in. Cindy decides to help Tobin out. </p>
<p>“Tobin?” she calls, “Why don’t you take Christen and the dogs down to the creek. We haven’t walked it all summer, you should check if there’s any snags in the water,” </p>
<p>“Would that be acceptable to you?” Tobin questions, arching an eyebrow at Christen. Something has shifted from when Tobin was sick and her asking for patience. The two have grown much closer. The other women haven’t witnessed any kissing yet, but it’s obvious the two have become close. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Christen replies, “but you need sunscreen.” </p>
<p>Cindy, Sally and Meg hear Tobin grumbling as she retrieves the tube from the pantry and they struggle to hide their laughter until they hear the back screen door shut and footsteps on the deck. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have a creek?” Christen questions as Tobin leads her behind the garage. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin shrugs, “I guess,” she grins, “it runs right through our property,” she points to a stand of thick trees about a hundred yards away, “it’s over there.” </p>
<p>Christen squints, shading her eyes with her hand, “I don’t see any water,” she frowns. </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles, “That’s because it’s lower than the ground,” she explains and begins to walk, “it cuts right through about four of our farms,” <br/>“How many farms does your family own?” Christen asks as they walk side by side through a low field. Christen isn’t positive what plants are growing, it doesn’t look familiar to her. </p>
<p>“Twelve,” Tobin replies, “these here are soy beans,” she explains, gesturing with her hand, “this field produces the second highest yield in the state.” </p>
<p>“Wow!” Christen exclaims, looking around the vast land of the plants, “That’s amazing,” she says, “I didn’t realize this farm was so huge,” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Well, that’s just the soy,” she says, “our other crops are considered mid-sized. The soil is perfect for the soy,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Have you always had an interest in agriculture?” </p>
<p>Tobin laughs, “No,” she shakes her head, “I was interested in playing soccer. I was four when I started and I just knew,” she looks over at her, “did you always think you’d be a nurse?” </p>
<p>“No,” she replies, “I thought I’d be a vet,” she smiles, “I love animals and science and thought I’d be perfect.” </p>
<p>“What changed your mind?” </p>
<p>“Honestly? The people,” she says, “it sounds crazy because of how awful people can be,” she shrugs, “but helping someone who is sick or injured is deeply satisfying. Having to think on your feet, it’s a rush,” </p>
<p>“And that’s how you got into being an ER nurse?” Tobin asks. </p>
<p>She nods, “Yeah, it was an adrenalin ride,” </p>
<p>They walk in silence, Christen reaching and grabbing Tobin’s hand to hold it. Tobin gives her a smile and squeezes her hand, swinging her arm gently back and forth as they walk. The dogs run ahead and lag behind, stopping to sniff and leap over the rows of the low plants. </p>
<p>Tobin finds an opening into the trees about a hundred from the road and leads her in. “I think this is a deer trail,” she observes as she leads her down the narrow path. After about ten feet, the area opens up and sun is shining through as the trees are spaced farther apart. </p>
<p>“This is so peaceful,” Christen murmurs, looking around and seeing how the sunlight hits the low lying plants. The small area is clear of trees with a little grassy circle in the sun. </p>
<p>“We used to camp here when we were little,” Tobin smiles at the memory, “come on,” she says, taking a hold of her hand, “let me show you something,” </p>
<p>They walk a bit down the path, the dogs following them as they bend under low hanging branches and pausing when Tobin points out a pile of rocks about three feet tall she and her sisters created when the were younger. </p>
<p>“I’ve always loved cairns,” Christen smiles, stepping closer to examine it, looking at it intently. She looks up to see Tobin watching her and smiles, “It’s beautiful,” </p>
<p>“We had so much fun making this,” Tobin says as she looks at the circular piece, “we lugged these rocks from all over,” </p>
<p>“Sounds like fun though,” Christen comments. </p>
<p>“Oh, it totally was,” Tobin grins, “come on, we’re close to the coolest thing,” she says excitedly, grabbing Christen’s hand once again and pulling her along. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I though your Mom said this was a creek,” Christen stares out at the lazily moving water, “it looks like a river to me,” </p>
<p>“Technically it’s a stream,” Tobin notes, “it’s a tributary of the Rockford River,” she slips off her sandals and plants her feet on the hot sand, “it’s not as deep as the river but this is the widest spot,” </p>
<p>Sereana and Morena are in the shallow edge of the water, sniffing and stopping to look at the minnows and tadpoles. </p>
<p>Christen removes her sandals and steps next to her, the sand created a small beach that measures about twenty feet wide and comes up around ten or twelve she guesses. The ground makes a rather sudden rise to her right and there’s a very large tree that has fallen and stretches out across the creek to the other side. She figures it’s about six or eight feet above the water as it meets the other side. </p>
<p>Tobin sees her looking at it, “It’s the deepest right around there,” she says, taking a step and sitting down in the sand. The trees above them have scattered, allowing the sun to shine down on them. It’s nice and warm under her toes and she smiles. </p>
<p>“This is amazing,” she murmurs, “what a neat place to have growing up,” </p>
<p>Tobin stretches her arms out behind herself, planting her hands in the sand as she leans back, “Yeah, I didn’t have too many friends I’d see on a daily basis when I was little,” she shares, “most of the them lived in town. I was on my own for most summers unless my Mom would set something up,” she brushes up against Christen’s shoulder, “except for soccer,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “You’re childhood was very different than mine,” she notes, “my best friend and I grew up three houses down,” </p>
<p>“Yeah?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “His name is Nima and he still lives in California,” </p>
<p>“You guys still talk?” Tobin asks, moving to sit crossed legged and facing her. </p>
<p>“Every couple of months,” Christen smiles, “we pick up right where we left off, you know?” </p>
<p>Tobin smiles as she nods, “Those are the best types of friends,” </p>
<p>“He works for a software company that creates apps for the medical field and science fields,” she shares and she uses her knee to bump against Tobin’s as she smiles, “and he’s happily married with three kids,”</p>
<p>Tobin gives her a sassy grin, “I wasn’t thinking about that,” she shakes her head, “but thanks for telling me,” she winks at her. </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “You have nothing to worry about,” </p>
<p>“Neither do you,” Tobin replies, looking down and finding a rock and tossing it in the water.</p>
<p>Christen finds a rock and tosses it in as well, listening for the plop it makes and watching how the impact creates the circle of waves that gets distorted and out of shape as the slow current moves. The two do this for a few minutes, enjoying the comfortable silence between them and listening to the birds in the trees surrounding them. </p>
<p>“How did all of this sand get here?” Christen questions, noting how the rest of the shoreline is rock with greenery growing along it. </p>
<p>“We spent weeks moving the rocks and digging out the area,” Tobin explains, “and then my Dad trucked in sand and we brought it down in wheelbarrows here,” </p>
<p>“Wow,” Christen’s eyebrows raise, “that’s a lot of work,” </p>
<p>Tobin grins, “It was fun,” she shrugs, “Mom would bring picnic lunches and we’d swim for a bit and then get back to work.” </p>
<p>“It’s really nice,” Christen nods, her eyes surveying the area. </p>
<p>“We could probably use a little more sand,” Tobin notes as she looks around. </p>
<p>“A cabana would be nice,” Chrsiten grins, gently elbowing her side. </p>
<p>Tobin chuckles and nods, “Not a bad idea,” she grins back at her, “like a little oasis,” </p>
<p>They contently sit in silence, tossing pebbles and small stones in the water. </p>
<p>“I left Mary because she didn’t understand why I would want to come home and take care of my Mom,” Tobin says suddenly making Christen stop mid wind up to throw a rock. She lets her hand drop on her lap and cradles the small stone. </p>
<p>“I was blown away that I could be with someone who couldn’t understand that,” Tobin continues, tossing another stone, this one with a little more force. “She suggested I hire someone to do it and then go home when it got really bad,” </p>
<p>Christen inhales sharply, uncertain she’s just heard what Tobin has said correctly, “What?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, sighing deeply and tossing another rock, “It was right then I realized she had been using me for the whole time we were together,” she says quietly, giving Christen a sad crooked grin while shaking her head. “She was more interested in being with Tobin Heath, the athlete, than being with just me,” she draws her knees up and rests her forearms on them, “It was like everything flashbacked when I was with her, you know? All the time she would push me to accept invitations to sponsor dinners and Nike events and how she would change the subject when I wasn’t that into something. She would whine about me wanting to spend time with my family, but wanted me to go with her,” she shakes her again, “I was so stupid,” she sighs, “she had me hook, line and sinker, just playing right into her.” </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen says laying a hand on her forearm, “since I’ve come to know you, you have never once given the impression of being stupid. Not with your career, your family and yourself and how you handle relationships,” </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a sad, closed mouthed smile, “Thanks,” she says, “I just felt so used, you know? Like, I was blind to it, I thought she just really was one of those kinds of people that always had to be doing things and didn’t like to chill out, you know?” </p>
<p>Christen nods, remaining silent because she feels Tobin has more to say. </p>
<p>“But when I look back on it, I realize how manipulative she was,” Tobin takes a deep breath, “and towards the end, when I told her after the Olympics I was going to retire, she just started pushing me on what I was going to do after. Was I going to coach, was I going to work with Nike or start my own clothing line,” she frowns, “and then, when you asked me that night,” she takes in a deep breath, “You scared me because I thought for a moment you were being like her,” she says quietly. </p>
<p>She slowly moves her hands out, silently asking for Christen to take them and she smiles when she does, “I know, without a doubt, that you are not anything like Mary.” Tobin bites her lower lip for a moment. </p>
<p>“Chris,” she says earnestly, looking at her intently, her eyes exuding this warmth and affection that makes Christen’s heart beat faster and emotion well up inside her, “from the day I met you, you exuded this kindness,” Tobin says, “you were so nice to me when I was obviously a mental case, freaking out about hospice beginning and not knowing what to do or think about it. You were so caring and thoughtful to my Mom, and still are,” she adds, “You put others before yourself, like when we went to the first Red Stars match and I got mobbed and you could just tell I was starting to freak out by it. That while day you were thinking of how it would be for me,” she gives her a soft smile. </p>
<p>“Mary would have been yelling my name and pointing to everyone just so she could stand next to me,” Tobin sighs, “but not you. You even waited for me to tell you what I did for a living even though you obviously knew who I was,” she pauses again and Christen can feel how Tobin’s hands are trembling with emotion. </p>
<p>“Chris,” she says, “you came and took care of me when I was sick and looked after my Mom and I know that wasn’t just you doing your job,” she says tenderly, squeezing her hands, “and you treat me like I’m just Tobin. Not Tobin Heath, athlete and quasi-celebrity and that’s all I’ve ever wanted in a partner, someone who let’s me be me and I’m so very grateful for that.” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a closed mouth smile, realizing this was the talk Tobin intended to have with her Tuesday and the other night was only clearing the air. </p>
<p>“I have this connection to Portland,” Tobin continues, “I was twenty-seven when I bought my condo there,” she says, “and that was the first place I ever really stayed in one place, you know? Like, I actually bought furniture and stayed there in the off season, I wasn’t travelling everywhere sleeping on couches. I made it my home,” she nods, “and it’s a great place, the city just has this vibe that’s like busy but everyone is chill and I can walk around and do my own thing without people stopping me and stuff.” </p>
<p>“Before, I lived with other soccer players, played for the season and then took off, visiting friends and family and doing what I wanted. I wanted to see and do everything,” Tobin can’t seem to stop talking, she desperately wants Christen to understand her feelings, “and I still want that, I do. It was the first place that I made a home, like, really had my own place and it was mine. I t was the first place I thought of that I wanted to be and it scares me to give it up. But things have shifted,” she shrugs slowly, “this farm, it’s been in my family for generations and something inside me just can’t let it go after Mom dies.” </p>
<p>Christen nods as she listens, “I can understand that,”</p>
<p>“I just want you to understand my feelings and what I’m thinking about right now,” Tobin clarifies, “and I know this is a big ask, but I want to know if you’d be willing to still hang out and see each other while I figure this all out,” Tobin states, looking nervously at her, wrapping both of lips over her teeth, waiting for Christen to reply. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen says, giving her another soft smile in hopes that she relaxes a little, “you’ve had an incredibly hectic last two years and I can’t judge you for not knowing exactly what you want to do now that you’re not playing anymore. With the passion you have for soccer, I imagine anything else would be hard to find or replicate. You feel things, deep things, and you’re allowed to take time to figure out what you want to do.” </p>
<p>Tobin flicks at her eye as she nods, feeling her emotions rise. </p>
<p>“And with caring for your Mom,” Christen continues, “I do understand how easy it is for that is to become all consuming. I do,” she nods, “and if you’ll let me,” she swallows as she pauses, “if you’ll let me,” she says, now squeezing Tobin’s hands in hers, “I’d like to stand beside you and support you as you explore this next phase of your life.” </p>
<p>“I’d like that very much,” Tobin says, tears softly rolling down her cheeks. Christen releases Tobin’s hands and draws her close, holding her tightly. She hears a choked sob from Tobin as she fights back her tears, unable to stop her own emotions from pouring out as well. The two hold each other, both softly crying, both releasing emotions ranging from sorrow to elation. </p>
<p>When they both stop crying they look at each other with watery eyes and chuckle at themselves. Tobin kisses her softly, bringing her hand up to cup Christen’s jaw. They deepen the kiss, trying to convey the emotions and feelings they were unable to speak aloud. Christen shifts and presses Tobin on her back in the sand, letting one of her legs fall in between Tobin’s as she supports herself on her elbows as she kisses her. </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin breathes, breaking their kiss, her eyes searching those green irises, “can I take you on a date?” </p>
<p>Christen smiles against Tobin’s lips as she kisses her, “Of course,” she replies. Then she kisses her again, pressing her thigh against Tobin’s core and smiles again when Tobin lets out a soft high pitched moan. As they continue to kiss, Tobin’s hands slowly move up and down her back as they kiss, then she feels them trail down to lightly hold her ass. </p>
<p>Christen pulls back to look in her eyes, “Hold my ass like you mean it, Heath,” she orders, a smirk appearing on her lips. Tobin grins, “Yes ma’am,” she replies, flexing her fingers to squeeze Christen’s tight backside, leaning up to meet her lips once again. When Tobin retaliates and flexes her quad muscles against the other woman’s center, the guttural moan Christen lets out surprises them both. </p>
<p>Christen pulls her head back, “We should stop,” she states, “sex in the sand is the worst.” </p>
<p>“What about sex in the water?” Tobin questions, moving her hand to let her fingers work themselves into Christen’s hair and lightly scratch at her scalp on the side of her head. </p>
<p>“Do you know how many pathogens could be in that water?” Christen questions with wide eyes and shivers, “I want to have sex with you and not need a round of antibiotics afterwards,”</p>
<p>Tobin laughs, “Well, I promise I don’t have any STDs if that’s your weird sciency way of asking,” </p>
<p>“Sciency?” Christen arches an eyebrow at her. </p>
<p>“Sciency,” Tobin nods, going up on her elbows beneath, “having to do or be associated with science.” She smirks at her, proud of her comeback. </p>
<p>Christen rolls her eyes at her, “You’re something else,” she grins at her, her front two teeth protruding adorably as she looks at her. </p>
<p>“Come on,” Tobin sits up as Christen slides to the side, “let’s go see if I can find the most awesome fort I made as a kid,” she stands up and extends her hand for Christen to take and pulls her up. They both pat off the sand on themselves before Tobin leads her along the water, stopping to point out a fallen tree just off the creek bank where she had fallen and broken her wrist when she was ten. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>An hour later, the two are making out behind the garage, Tobin pressed against the building, very much enjoying how amazing Christen kisses her. They agreed that if anyone asks, they’d tell them they’re dating, but neither is going to offer it up right now. Tobin feels weird bringing it up to her Mom and Christen respects it, feeling just as weird since there’s still that nurse/patient relationship happening. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What will you say if your Mom asks?” Christen prudently questions as they walk through the yard towards the house, knowing how preceptive Cindy is. </p>
<p> “I can’t lie to her,” Tobin confesses. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Christen nods, “just let me know so I can be prepared if she asks questions, alright?” </p>
<p>“Of course,” Tobin grins and the two trot up the stairs of the deck. </p>
<p>When they enter the kitchen, Tobin tells the ladies how they explored the creek and she showed Christen where she broke her wrist. Christen excuses herself to use the restroom and Tobin leaves the kitchen to retrieve her phone from the study. </p>
<p>“Did you see how they looked at each other?” Meg questions in a hushed tone to Sally and Cindy. The two nod. </p>
<p>“They are so smitten,” Sally sighs, “it’s adorable.” </p>
<p>Cindy looks at Sally and Meg and smiles broadly at them, “I can die a happy woman,” she says quietly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Middle of September</strong> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You can take some time to think about it,” Jayson says. Jayson works for new products lines with Nike Soccer. </p>
<p>“I’m going to hafta, Jay,” Tobin slowly replies, “I know you have a timetable, but I can’t commit to being in Portland anytime soon.” Tobin is sitting at the desk in the study, her notebook open and she’s scribbling notes from their conversation in it. She’s got her phone propped up and on speaker. </p>
<p>“Well, we’d really need you to come out soon to look over designs and we can get things started,” he pushes once again. He’s been trying to impress upon Tobin the importance of timing this line of official Tobin Heath soccer cleats and streetwear. Jayson is a good guy and she’s known him for years, but business is business and she understands the production deadlines.  </p>
<p>“Well,” Tobin replies, “I don’t know if my manager Angie told you, but I am in Illinois with my Mom and she’s dying of cancer,” she says factually, if not slightly coldly, tired of his persistence, she’s told him she wasn’t super interested in doing this before and wants to make a point, “and I’m not leaving.” </p>
<p>“Oh, shit, Tobin,” Jayson expresses, his tone upset, “I had no idea,” he says heartfully, “I’m so sorry,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, well,” Tobin trails off, unsure what else to say and feeling guilty that she was so direct with him. </p>
<p>“Listen,” he says with new vigor, “let me work on things on my end and see if we can accommodate you. Would it be okay if me and a designer came out to see you?” </p>
<p>Tobin’s eyebrows raise high on her forehead, shocked that he would be willing to do that. “Uh,” she says slowly, “I think I can make that work,” she agrees tentatively, still not feeling any excitement about this, “would it be a one day thing or?” </p>
<p>“Ah, I think just the one day,” he replies, “we can work things out over email too,” he adds, “Listen Tobin, this is a very big thing Nike wants to do. We would need you for a photoshoot but we can do that by you as well, that wouldn’t be until spring though,”   </p>
<p>“Well,” Tobin considers, “why don’t you see what you can do on your end and let me know, and by that time I’ll have an answer, okay?” </p>
<p>“Sure thing,” he agrees quickly, “And Tobin? I’m so sorry about your Mom. She’s such a nice lady, that’s so unfair,” he says genuinely. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin sighs. </p>
<p>Jayson clears his throat, “I’ll get back to you,” he says briskly, going back into business mode, “you hang in there.” </p>
<p>“Alright,” Tobin says, “thanks man,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next afternoon, Tobin and Cindy are watching TV in the sunroom when Cindy turns to her, “Your Father wants chicken for dinner tonight,” </p>
<p>Tobin’s eyebrows raise, “Uh, okay,” she replies slowly, feeling scared and unsure of what else to say. She’s read about people having hallucinations, but this is the first time her Mom is doing it. </p>
<p>“Make sure you set an extra plate at the table,” her Mom instructs. </p>
<p>“Sure thing,” Tobin nods and watches her Mom turn her attention back to the TV. She sits and ponders what this means, is she going to do this all of the time now? Has the tumor in her head become so large that it’s causing this? She’s watching her Mom as she considers all of the various scenarios and feels the familiar lump rising up on her throat, her emotions flashing through her. She doesn’t want to cry, she won’t cry, she can’t cry. She has to sit here and act like nothing has happened. From the various articles and books that she’s read about hospice and death, she knows one shouldn’t confront a person hallucinating. You just go with the flow as best as possible and try to divert their attention away from the subject. It’s killing her inside that she could be losing her Mom before she’s dead from that damn tumor in her head. There’s so many things she wants to talk to her about. </p>
<p>An hour later the two are eating dinner. Tobin didn’t set another plate out and her Mom never mentioned it. In fact, she seems like she’s with it again. It’s weird how it can come and go. </p>
<p>“So, Ma,” Tobin says, “the quarterly taxes are coming up,” she mentions, “can I try to do them with you and Mr. Latham?” </p>
<p>Her Mom turns and beams at her, “Of course!” she exclaims happily. </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin says with a big grin on her face, “I want to take over the farm, like officially.” She knows she’s told her before but seeing how surprised she looks right now, makes Tobin a little sad, now knowing her Mom can’t trust her own memory.  </p>
<p>“You do?” her eyes are wide and hopeful. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “I think it’s super cool and it’s challenging,” she grins even wider and shrugs, “I know me and math aren’t great friends, but I know I’ll get the hang of it,” </p>
<p>“Oh honey,” her Mom cries, tears coming down her face, “I’m so happy,” she brings her hands to her cheeks. Tobin gets up from her chair and slides into the one next to her Mom, hugging her tightly.</p>
<p>“I can’t explain it Ma,” Tobin says, her voice low and husky with emotion, “there’s something about the land and our family history,” she can feel her Mother’s head nodding against her neck. “I don’t want to lose it.” </p>
<p>Her Mom draws back to look at her, placing her hand on Tobin’s cheek and giving her a loving smile, “Once the dirt gets under your nails,” she says, “you’re hooked.” </p>
<p>Tobin smiles and nods, “I think you’re right,” </p>
<p>“Have you told your sisters and brother yet?” she asks her. </p>
<p>“Last night,” Tobin nods, “honestly, I think they’re relieved,” </p>
<p>Cindy nods, “I’m glad you can avoid having to deal with selling it,” she lets her hand drop and looks around the kitchen, “I assume you’ll go back to Portland?” she asks. </p>
<p>“I’m still figuring that part out,” Tobin answers quickly, “Chris and I were talking and” she stops when she sees how her Mom is smiling at looking at her. </p>
<p>“Christen and you?” she asks, her smile growing wider. </p>
<p>Tobin nods her head, “I really like her Ma,” she shares, “and we’re going to go on an official date soon,” </p>
<p>“Oh honey,” Cindy gushes, “she’s a wonderful woman,” she says, hugging her again, “I’m very happy for you both,”</p>
<p>“Thanks Ma,” Tobin says as she squeezes her to hold on a little tighter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can we go to the nursery?” Cindy asks, “I want to get something,” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Tobin replies easily, “when do you want to go?” </p>
<p>“Now?” Cindy shrugs. </p>
<p>“No sweat,” Tobin grins, “let me get ready and we’ll take off,” </p>
<p>“We need to take my truck,” Cindy calls after her as Tobin leaves the kitchen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, what are you looking for?” Tobin questions as she pushes her Mom in the wheelchair through the outdoor entrance of the nursery. </p>
<p>“I want a tree,” Cindy states, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” she says, “and I know what I want now,” </p>
<p>“Cool,” Tobin nods, “so let’s find the trees.” </p>
<p>A half an hour later, the truck is loaded with a twelve foot long birch tree, three bags of mulch and a bag of topsoil. </p>
<p>“Where did you want to plant it?” Tobin asks as they sit in the truck, the vehicle idling in the driveway. </p>
<p>“In the back,” Cindy states, “behind the trellis, it will look beautiful as a backdrop in a few years,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “To the back we go,” she grins and carefully drives the pickup off the driveway, around the firepit and towards the back of the property. </p>
<p>“Here,” Cindy states and Tobin stops the truck. She slips out and grabs the wheelchair and brings it to the passenger door. Once she gets Cindy settled, she trots to the garage and returns with two shovels. They both agree on how far back from the trellis the tree should be and Tobin walks out a straight line and they agree it’s directly behind the wooden structure. Cindy weakly moves soil while Tobin digs the hole. </p>
<p>“They said it should be three times the size of the root ball, right?” Tobin asks, taking a moment. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Cindy replies, “and you should loosen the dirt around the edges of the hole,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and gets back to work. It’s a nice fall day and she sheds her hoodie as she digs. “We should go for a drive tomorrow to check out the fall colors,” she suggests, glancing around at the riot of color in their own backyard. </p>
<p>“That would be nice,” her Mom murmurs. “Oh,” she fumbles her hand in her pocket, “this is the guide to tree care,” she says, waving a pamphlet, “I’ll keep it for you,” </p>
<p>“Cool,” Tobin says as she gets back to work. </p>
<p>An hour later, the tree is in place standing straight and tall in the yard. They laughed as Tobin tried to make sure it was standing straight, joking straight stuff wasn’t her thing. She opened the bag of mulch, letting her Mom toss it around the freshly dug earth. It was important to her that Cindy played a role in planting this tree. </p>
<p>“Ma,” Tobin asks as they look at it from in front of the trellis, “why’d you choose a birch tree?” </p>
<p>“It’s a Celtic symbol of renewal,” she replies, “I like the idea of it being here after I’m gone.” </p>
<p>Tobin hums, “I like that too,” she agrees quietly. Then she moves the wheelchair, “I want to take a photo of you and your tree,” she says as she gets her Mom in position near it. <br/>She takes a few photos as her Mom does various poses with her hands wide and uplifted, laughing as she faces Tobin. Tobin walks to her and goes down on one knee, showing them to her. </p>
<p>“That one,” Cindy points, “I like that one.” </p>
<p>Tobin looks at her, smiling widely at the joy on her Mom’s face, “I do too,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And sometimes she like, zones out,” Tobin explains as she is applying a light coat of makeup, “and she talks about stuff, like Dad.” </p>
<p>“She’s still doing that?” Perry questions from her seat on the toilet, looking at Tobin. </p>
<p>Tobin glances at her in the mirror, “Yeah,” she says quietly, “like she’s hallucinating. We know that. It’s just happening more and more,” </p>
<p>Perry nods. She’s in for a three day visit and tonight Tobin is going out with Christen. “Has she gotten angry?” </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “Not really,” she says, “she just gets quiets when she realizes what she was saying. So, I like, just let it blow over. I don’t argue or correct her, I just go with it as much as I can,” </p>
<p>Perry nods again. She’s heard about her Mom’s progression yet hasn’t witnessed it herself. </p>
<p>“Aunt Meg will be here, though,” Tobin says, snapping shut her lipstick, “so just follow her lead.” </p>
<p>“I will,” Perry agrees, giving Tobin a once over, “You look nice,” she smiles, “so you and Christen, huh?” </p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes as she brushes her hair one last time, “Yep,” she replies, choosing to play dumb. </p>
<p>Perry stands up, moving behind just behind Tobin and fixing the back of the collar of her button down shirt. “I think you are good for each other,” she says softly, “I like her a lot.” </p>
<p>Tobin turns and blushes a little, “Thanks,” she says, “I like her a lot too,” </p>
<p>Perry grins and looks at her watch, “You better get a move on,” she suggests, “and have fun,” then she elbows her, “just text me if you’re not coming home,” </p>
<p>Tobin’s blush deepens, but she gives her sister a cocky grin, “Sure will,” she grabs her black leather jacket and leaves the room. </p>
<p>Before Tobin leaves, she goes behind the garage and selects the best looking flowers that are still blooming and makes a cute little bouquet, wrapping the stems with a rubber <br/>band. Once in the truck, she pops a mint in her mouth and heads to pick up Christen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You look incredible,” Tobin whispers, her eyes moving up and down as she looks Christen over. The woman before her is wearing her long comfy looking black sweater over a tan blouse with black leggings and calf high black boots. She’s straightened her hair and is wearing large gold hoop earrings. </p>
<p>“I love your shirt,” Christen smiles as she fingers the cuff and then leans forward, giving Tobin a soft kiss. Tobin presents her bundle of flowers, “For you my lady,” she grins, loving how Christen’s eyes light up from the bouquet. She pulls Tobin into the house, “Let me put these in water,” she says and she walks down the hall. </p>
<p>“Hi puppies,” Tobin greets, going to one knee to pet the dogs. </p>
<p>“All set,” Christen announces, approaching with her purse in hand. Tobin rises and smiles at her, “Great,” she says and twirls her keyring. </p>
<p>They leave her apartment and head to Tobin’s SUV, Tobin graciously opening the door for her and making sure her long sweater isn’t caught in the door before coming around to the other side and sliding in to start the vehicle. </p>
<p>It isn’t a long drive to the restaurant, it’s one of the farm to table ones that Christen told her was very good. Once seated, both smile at each other, relieved that there’s no awkwardness with this being an official date. Both are relaxed and conversation flows as they peruse the menu and discuss their options. After they place their orders, Christen explains to Tobin that this building was the old hardware store that moved across the street to anchor the newly built strip mall. Tobin looks around with approval at the exposed beams and interior brick, remembering it now from when she was small and visited the store with her parents. </p>
<p>They have a delicious meal, Tobin having fresh brook trout and Christen trying the veggie platter. Both really enjoyed their choices and Tobin was impressed with the veggies that Christen had when they gave each other tastes off the other’s plate. They had a very random yet playful debate about the movie Ghost, judging Deni Moore’s hotness level with shirt hair and if the movie was a thriller, a ghost story or a romance. Christen firmly maintained it was a romance and Tobin shocked her with her theory that it was more of a Greek <br/>Tragedy and then Tobin chuckled when Christen pulled out her phone to find her answer. Most theories concluded it was a supernatural thriller. They agreed to drop the debate, agree Demi Moore was hot in the film and ordered coffees and decided to split dessert. </p>
<p>“So, I wanted to run something past you and get your opinion,” Tobin says as she splashes some cream in her coffee, “Nike wants to make a line of cleats and shin guards and balls and clothes with my input.” </p>
<p>“Tobin!” Christen exclaims, her eyes wide with surprise, “That’s fantastic! Are you going to do it?” </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “Um, I told them I can’t go to Portland but Jayson, he’s the guy working on it, he said they could come to me,” </p>
<p>“Well, that would be good, right?” Christen tilts her head, unsure why Tobin doesn’t seem as enthused. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Tobin says, looking down and picking up her spoon and stirring her coffee, “I’ve been a Nike person my whole life just about,” she says, looking at her, “like, they’ve been a sponsor for almost all of the teams I’ve ever played on. I used to collect their shoes,” </p>
<p>“I know,” Christen chuckles, “I always wondered how many you had,” </p>
<p>Tobin grins, “Too many,” she says. </p>
<p>“So, what is keeping you from doing this?” Christen asks softly, looking at her intently. </p>
<p>“Um, a few things,” Tobin replies, glancing around and then leaning forward, “so I have a few issues with Nike,” she says quietly, looking around again to make sure nobody is listening. There are a few people at tables spaced far enough away for them to talk quietly and not be heard. Christen leans in and nods for Tobin to continue. </p>
<p>“So, first off,” Tobin begins, “they use cheap labor overseas and really exploit their workers. For as much as they say they don’t, I know they do. Over the years, when I would travel with the National Team, I made it a point to try and visit Nike factories if time allowed. Everyone knew I was shoe crazy so it wasn’t a weird thing, you know? I’ve seen factories in China, Brazil, Vietnam and Thailand. They’re horrible. It would turn your stomach at the working conditions and I know I was being shown the cleanest ones around.” </p>
<p>Christen grimaces, “Oh no,” she says, “I heard the stories, but…” she shrugs. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin frowns, “and the other thing is they’re not exactly the cheapest ones out there. Soccer is not like it was when I was young, clubs are still there, but scouts come to high schools everywhere. Park district programs are now as competitive as some of the elite clubs. It’s become cheaper to get noticed, US Soccer makes it so more kids can get high quality training and it won’t cost thousands of dollars.” </p>
<p>She’s speaking passionately and it captivates Christen, her eyes following her as Tobin gestures with her hands and she listens to the changes of inflection in her voice. </p>
<p>“Their price points wouldn’t make affordable for all kids, you know?” Tobin keeps on, “And I don’t want to be a part of the like, the elitist group, you know? If stuff has my name on it, I want it anyone to be able to buy it and for it to not be crap. And they make really crappy balls that they sell for fifteen bucks.” </p>
<p>Christen nods again, “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good,” she agrees.</p>
<p>“And then there would be the photo shoots,” Tobin rolls her eyes with an exasperated expression, “I don’t want to do it, I mean, I just turned thirty-seven and it’s not for me anymore, you know?” </p>
<p>“Well,” Christen leans back for a minute, “I personally think any photoshoot of you would be incredibly sexy, but I suppose I’m biased.” </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, “You’re something else,” </p>
<p>“Maybe a private photoshoot?” Christen chuckles and then leans in and nods her head, “Okay, I’m serious now, is there anything else?”   </p>
<p>“One last thing,” Tobin sighs, “it’s kind of petty, but…” </p>
<p>“It’s not petty if it bothers you,” Christen encourages her, “go on,” </p>
<p>Tobin takes a sip of her coffee before speaking, “When we were in the thick of it with US Soccer, all of these other companies that sponsored the national team spoke out against Carlos Cordeiro when the lawsuit was leaked claiming women were basically inferior. Nike never spoke out to support us. It pissed me off and made me realized I was just a piece of meat and a profit margin number to them.” </p>
<p>“You’ve held on to that for almost ten years, huh?” Christen questions, a gentle smile on her face. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin sighs, feeling like it was a stupid reason. </p>
<p>Christen reaches across the table and holds Tobin’s hand loosely with her own, “It’s not stupid, babe,” she says seriously, “that was a very important time and Nike’s silence was deafening. I thought they were assholes for not releasing even a simple statement. I was so mad, I started buying Adidas shoes and clothing. You have every right to feel how you do.” She squeezes Tobin’s hand, “Every right.” </p>
<p>Tobin gives her a closed mouth smile, “Thanks,” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a smile back, taking a forkful of the chocolate cake they had ordered, “So, don’t do it,” she says before she brings the fork to her mouth. </p>
<p>“Wait, what? Seriously?” Tobin questions. Even though it’s been months from being with Mary, Tobin isn’t used to someone telling her it’s okay to not do something. </p>
<p>Christen nods affirmatively, “Absolutely,” she says, “you owe them nothing. You were an athlete, you provided your face and image for their products. They made money, you made money. You retired and you owe them nothing.” </p>
<p>“Wow,” Tobin shakes her head, “that still sounds so weird to hear,” </p>
<p>“What, that you’re retired?” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “it’s weird.”</p>
<p>“Do you still wish you were playing?” Christen asks seriously. </p>
<p>Tobin looks at her for a moment, “No, I don’t,” she admits, “I really don’t.” She smiles widely at her. </p>
<p>Christen smiles back at her, “Do it on your own,” she suggests, “go buy a bunch of cheap balls, buy cheap cleats, try them out, find the one you like and see if the brand will make you a couple of thousand,” she shrugs, “hold camps for like, two weeks or something at the field they named after you and give them away. Get some shinguards too.” </p>
<p>Tobin just stares at her with wide eyes. </p>
<p>“Do what <em>you</em> want, Tobin,” she says, pointing the tip of her fork at her, “whatever you decide, just,” she shrugs. “You hold the keys, so do it how you want. It’s not going to be the end of world for Nike if you say no,” she gestures with her hand, “no offense, but there are plenty of others out there who would jump at the opportunity.” She stops for a moment, “It would be kind of sweet justice,” she muses, “not many of the 2019 World Cup team endorse Nike when you think of it.” </p>
<p>“Huh,” Tobin considers, thinking of her friends, “yeah, you’re right. People started switching to Adidas after the that, especially after the Olympics,” </p>
<p>“Maybe you’re not the only who feels like you do about them,” Christen offers.  </p>
<p>Tobin draws her handover her mouth and then massages her jaw, “You’re right,” she says in a tone as if Christen has just unlocked one of the great mysteries of the earth. </p>
<p>Christen chuckles, “Great. And just think about how over the moon some other company would be if they got The Tobin Heath to endorse their products.” She smiles at her, “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way,” she dips her fork into the cake, “is there anything else you’d like to discuss? World Peace?” she tilts her head, holding her fork up and gives her a toothy grin. </p>
<p>“Yes, I would,” Tobin answers in a playful tone, forking into the cake as well, “is this cake the bomb or what?” she grins and scoops her fork into her mouth. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s on the drive back to Christen’s house when Tobin reaches over to hold her hand. Christen marvels at how comfortably they interlock their fingers, as if they’ve been doing this for years. </p>
<p>“Thank you for tonight,” Tobin says quietly, her eyes on the road, “it’s really nice to get out of house and not have to worry about things.” </p>
<p>Christen squeezes her hand, “You’re welcome, I had fun,” </p>
<p>“And thank you for listening about the Nike thing,” Tobin adds, “I think I’m going to turn it down. I feel like I’d be taking dirty money and being a hypocrite as well.”</p>
<p>“When I left working in the ER and being with my Mom,” Christen responds just as quietly, “I sort of vowed that I’d be true to myself. I didn’t like some of the aspects of the hospice system and how it worked. So, I got in contact with Christie, we brainstormed, found other like minded people and that is her and I opened up our business.” </p>
<p>“Wait,” Tobin glances over quickly, “you own it?” </p>
<p>“Yes,” Christen smiles at her.</p>
<p>“I thought you were pretty incredible to begin with,” Tobin gives a wide smile at her, “but you are such a badass,” she marvels. “That’s fucking awesome, Chris,” </p>
<p>“Can I confess something,” she asks rather shyly. </p>
<p>Tobin tugs on her hand a little and then squeezes it, “Of course,” </p>
<p>“I’ve followed your career forever,” she admits, “and I knew your Mom lived here, it’s hard not to know, I’m surprised the town hasn’t put a sign up saying Hometown of Tobin Heath,” she chuckles, “but when I saw her name come up on the referral for hospice care,” she grows serious, “I felt this need to be the one to come.” </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin says quietly. </p>
<p>“Just knowing some of things Kelley faced when we were still in touch after college, the sacrifices she went through and knowing that’s what you did too, I was just driven to do it. Knowing that you most likely made similar sacrifices as well, I didn’t want your family to have a bad experience during the worst experience, you know? And I didn’t even think I’d see you, I knew you lived in Portland and I wasn’t sure how involved you’d be. It was more about making sure that your family would be comforted and as informed as possible and her passing would have the most dignity and be as painless as possible.” </p>
<p>Tobin is blinking back tears as she drives, “Chris,” she utters and it comes out all choked up. She sniffs and keeps blinking and Christen is rubbing the back of her hand with her thumb as they drive in silence. Five minutes later Tobin eases her SUV in front of Christen’s apartment. She turns off the vehicle and unclicks her seatbelt to turn to her. </p>
<p>“You’re really amazing,” she says and reaches over to hold her and then the tears do come. Christen holds her, her eyes wet as well.  </p>
<p>When they pull back from each other, both wiping at their eyes, Tobin looks at her. “Thank you,” she says gratefully, “you don’t know how much what you said means to me,” </p>
<p>Christen smiles, “You’re very welcome,” she says tenderly and they both look at each other for a moment. </p>
<p>“Want to take the dogs for a walk?” Christen asks, “I sure could walk off that meal,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, that’d be great,” Tobin replies. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thirty minutes later, the dogs have been walked and now are asleep in the spare bedroom and Tobin and Christen are on the couch having a heated makeup session. Christen is straddling Tobin, her hands in Tobin’s hair, Tobin’s hands running up and down her back. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” she breathes out, “will you take me to bed?” she asks, lifting her head from Tobin’s neck to look at her. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Tobin replies, her brown eyes now darkened, almost black and full of desire. “Hold on,” she instructs and firmly grips Christen’s ass as she scoots to the edge of the couch cushion. Christen links her hands together behind Tobin’s back as she feels herself tilting backward as Tobin leans forwards and stands. She hooks her legs around her hips as Tobin walks towards the bedroom, kissing her. </p>
<p>In the room, Tobin slowly allows Christen to slide her legs down and set her feet on the floor, still kissing her passionately. Christen steps back and walks in the darkness of the room, moving to her bedside and lighting a candle. She moves to the other side of the bed and repeats her actions, casting a soft glow in the room. She approaches and stands before her, gripping the hem of her sweater and pulling it off as Tobin slowly unbuttons her shirt. They stare as they undress themselves, matching the others movement, first the shirts, then the pants, shoes and socks. </p>
<p>“You are so incredibly gorgeous,” Tobin breaks the silence, her eyes traveling up and down, taking in Christen. </p>
<p>Christen steps closer, kissing her and then breaks the kiss, her hands inching up to grip Tobin’s bra, “May I?” </p>
<p>Tobin swallows and nods, watching her face as Christen unfastens it quickly, Tobin letting it drop to the floor. Christen licks her lips with her eyes on Tobin’s chest and Tobin doesn’t feel uncomfortable standing before her like this. She reaches to run her hands along Christen’s torso, her fingers under skim under the elastic, “May I?” she asks with a slight grin. </p>
<p>Christen nods her head and stands a little more upright as Tobin frees her breasts from her bra. Tobin lets out a shaky breath, “Gorgeous,” she softly marvels, chewing on her lower lip. </p>
<p>Tobin slowly strips out of her black boy shorts, Christen moving to rid herself of her lace panties. She reaches her hand out and guides Tobin to the bed, kneeling on it and crawling to the middle and then lying down. Tobin joins her, both lying on their sides and they come together. Kissing. Touching. Caressing skin. “I wanna make you feel good,” Tobin breathes urgently in between soft kisses on Christen’s neck, her hand on Christen’s hip, fingers lightly making circles on her smooth skin. </p>
<p>Listening to Tobin’s low voice, the rawness of it, the yearning in her tone it makes Christen’s hips flinch with a spasm of desire as she speaks, “Yes,” she says breathlessly, “I’m yours,” </p>
<p>Tobin instantly moves, gently guiding Christen onto her back, lying against her side, kissing her forcefully, intentionally building her up as her hand caresses her stomach and slowly letting her hand palm her breast. Christen whimpers into Tobin’s mouth when she feels Tobin massage her breast and she moves her hands to run them along Tobin’s back, reveling feeling the taught muscled skin. </p>
<p>Tobin can’t get enough of Christen, taking in her scent, loving the feel of her incredibly soft skin on her fingertips. Her taste. She feels dizzy with desire and wants to explore the woman, learn her curves, learn her reactions to her touch. She lets her teeth tug on Christen’s lower lip, the release it, looking at her until she opens her eyes and they smile. She gives her another deep kiss before moving to her neck, trailing kisses from under her ear to her shoulders, lightly sucking on her skin, being mindful to not leave marks.  </p>
<p>From Christen’s clavicle, Tobin lets her mouth wander across her chest, shifting her body down a little as she moves, her leg falling in between Christen’s spread ones, giving a soft push at her core with her thigh. She smiles against her skin when Christen reacts by arching her back slightly, a breathy moan escaping her lips. She continues on, shifting her weight and craning her neck to let the tip of her tongue trace around the dark skin surrounding her areola of Christen’s breast, while her fingers begin to caress her other nipple. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen moans and Tobin’s eyes flick up to see her lying there, eyes closed, her mouth open as she breathes deeply. Tobin shifts her position once more, latching her mouth on Christen’s opposite  breast and letting her left hand massage the exposed one. This is where she wants to be, on Christen’s left side so her own left hand can begin to explore. </p>
<p>When she feels she’s paid enough attention to Christen’s breasts, she lifts her head up, “Chris,” she whispers, letting the woman open her eyes, “kiss me,” she demands, leaning towards her. Christen lifts her head, her eyes a dark green in the candlelight, her hand gripping the back of Tobin’s neck and pulling her close. </p>
<p>It’s a searing kiss, one that makes both women feel that burning sensation in their bellies, that one of pure desire and want and need for release. They break free, both panting slightly, eyes locked. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Christen breathes out, “I need you to touch me,” she pleads, growing desperate in her need to get off. She’s never been so turned on as she is right now, no one she’s ever been with has worked her up like this. No foreplay has been this intense. </p>
<p>Tobin nods and kisses her once more, then moves and kisses down to her breasts, her left hand moving to her thigh and she begins to massage Christen’s inner thigh. Tobin’s tongue begins to lick at her breast, intrigued by how dark the skin is around her nipple, turned on by how hard the nub has become. Tobin shifts her hips to push Christen’s legs apart, her hand feeling a small tuft of hair, then moving lower and seeking out the heat. </p>
<p>Christen is wet, really wet, Tobin discovers, and it’s makes her grow wet as well. She uses two fingers to circle around Christen’s clit, not touching it, just building it up. She then glides her fingers over it, enjoying the moan Christen lets out. She continues working her over, creating a random pattern in her movements, feeling how Christen moves beneath her. Then her fingers go lower, into the wetness, circling around a few passes and then entering the heat. She’s slowly pushing in and starting a rhythm with her soft thrusts, wanting Christen to acclimate to the sensation. She likes to work slow and build things up. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Christen hisses, arching her back and then moving her hips. Tobin enters her deeper, now knuckle deep within her. Tobin keeps it up, supporting herself above her on one elbow. She’s intentionally keeping her leg up so as not to rut against her. Her mouth finds her breast and begins to suck on the nipple, rolling her tongue around it while she inhales. </p>
<p>“Oh fuck,” Christen groans, her hands finding Tobin’s head and pushing her lower. Tobin gets the hint and slowly makes her way down, kissing her stomach, her hips and then finally lingering over core. Her fingers are still moving within her, setting a nice pace, twisting to the left and right every once in a while. </p>
<p>Tobin inhales deeply, aroused by Christen’s scent and she can’t wait to taste her. She removes her fingers slowly, hearing how Christen breathes out and widens her legs with anticipation. Tobin flattens her tongue and runs it through her folds all the up to circle her clit. She tastes amazing. She repeats the move, giving her another thorough lick, then focuses in her clit. </p>
<p>She moves slowly, feeling Christen beginning to buck her hips as she moans. </p>
<p>“It feels so good, babe,” she says languidly, her fingers scratching at Tobin’s scalp, loving the sensation of Tobin’s hair on her thighs. Then she feels Tobin enter her again, a shuddering moan escaping her lips as Tobin begins to move those long fingers within her. When Tobin begins to curl her fingers deep inside while sucking on her clit earnestly, that’s when Christen loses it. Her legs tremble and flinch, straightening out and her heels dig into the mattress with her toes tingling. </p>
<p>The heat swells and she cries out moaning yes, her fingers digging into Tobin’s scalp, holding her in place on her clit. “Oh,” she moans, her necking snapping up, her chin on her chest. She feels the waves growing stronger, that white heat searing through her body as her hips flick. </p>
<p>It’s when Tobin stills her hand within her and stroking her inner walls with her fingers, when Christen explodes. Tobin continues on, slowing ever so slightly, moaning herself as she drops her mouth from Christen’s clit and laps around her fingers, tasting the flood of wetness spilling from Christen. Christen exhales loudly after holding her breath and not even realizing it, panting above her. She releases her hold on Tobin’s head, slowly threading her hands from her hair and feeling how carefully and slowly Tobin withdraws her fingers. </p>
<p>Christen feels Tobin press her forehead against her inner thigh, breathing heavily for a minute before slowly moving up to lie on her side next to her. She turns her head and opens her eyes to see Tobin breathing heavy with her eyes on her. </p>
<p>“Holy fuck,” Christen pants, her heart thudding wildly in her chest still, “Tobin,” she gasps, moving her hand limply towards her. Tobin smiles, lifting her hand and sweetly kissing the back of it. “Come here,” Christen indicates, sliding her hand under Tobin’s side and pulling her close. </p>
<p>Tobin runs her hand over her hair to pull it back and settles her head softly on the same pillow. Christen kisses her, “I just need a minute,” she says after, “that was amazing,” she smiles at her, “you’re amazing,” </p>
<p>Tobin leans in and kisses her softly, “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” she admits, looking up at her through her long eyelashes. </p>
<p>Christen, “How long?” she questions, enjoying the blush that is creeping up on Tobin’s cheeks. </p>
<p>“Since after that lunch my Mom and her friends arranged,” she replies quietly. </p>
<p>“Me too,” Christen shares and leans to kiss her, “and that was before I knew what a stud you are,” she smiles, chuckling. </p>
<p>“Stud?” Tobin chuckles, “You think I’m a stud?” </p>
<p>“Well,” Christen puts her head back on the pillow, holding a hand up, “For one,” her index finger goes up, “I’ve never met a person who pulls off shorts and t-shirt better, very studly,” she says with a smile on her face, “two: the headware game is incredibly strong, very studly,” another finger, “three: the multiple talents you have and your interest in learning new things is refreshing,” a third finger, “four: I like that you have strong long term friendships, it bodes well for a relationship,” she snickers and puts up another finger, “five: the way you care for your nieces and nephews is adorable and a turn on, again, bodes for the future,” a finger up, “six: how you lovingly care for your Mom is touching, especially under these circumstances,” her other index thumb goes up, “seven: how you handle your celebrity is low key and down to earth and I find that sexy,” her index finger is up, “eight: you’re always calm and kinda quiet and when you wear your glasses I want to rip your clothes off,” her middle finger is up, "and that is very studly." </p>
<p>“Stop,” Tobin chuckles softly.</p>
<p>“Nine:” Christen persists, giving her a look to silence her, “you’re honest and open and I like that in a person,” her ring finger lifts, “and ten and eleven: how you look at me sometimes makes me feel naked and you’re so hot I just want to fuck your brains out right now,” she says swiftly and rolls over to pin Tobin to the bed. </p>
<p>Tobin looks up at her, “That’s it?” she jokes with a smile. </p>
<p>Christen looks down at her, a soft smile in her face, “Twelve: when you were sick, all I wanted to do was to take care of you,” she says genuinely, “Will you let me take care of you now?” she asks, her vulnerability coming through. </p>
<p>Tobin knows how serious Christen is and gives her a little smile, “If I wanted to list all of things I find attractive about you, we’d be here until dawn,” she says seriously, “In the months we’ve known each other, I’ve come to learn how much I care about you, too,” she says, nodding her head, “and I want to take care of you and learn from you and be with you for how ever long you’ll have me,” </p>
<p>Christen kisses her deeply, trying to convey her feelings in the kiss, “Ditto,” she says with a smile, saying the famous line from the movie they debated and leaning in to kiss her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay Ma,” Tobin says, glancing up at her from her kneeling position in front of her, “lift your leg so I can get this on,” she instructs, sliding the pullup diaper on. Her Mom lifts her other leg and then Tobin helps her with the pants. </p>
<p>She hears her Mom sigh as she stands up, locking her elbow under her shoulder just like Christen showed her to safely lift her off the toilet. She keeps her arm there while her Mom gets her balance. </p>
<p>“You good?” she asks, looking at her carefully. </p>
<p>“I am,” she nods, slowly turning to grab the counter and begin pulling her pants up. Tobin helps slowly tug up the diaper and pants on her other hip. Her Mom chuckles and shakes her head. </p>
<p>“What?” Tobin questions, moving her Mom’s cane in position by the sink. </p>
<p>“How things come full circle,” Cindy sighs, “it seems like yesterday I was changing your diapers and here we are now,” </p>
<p>“Well,” Tobin grins at her, “I haven’t cleaned off your face with my spit on my finger yet, so we have that,” she jokes. </p>
<p>Her Mom smiles at her, “But you did buy me that candy bar yesterday because I was so good while we were shopping,” </p>
<p>“I love ya, Ma,” Tobin says, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around her from behind and looking at her in the mirror. </p>
<p>Cindy holds onto to Tobin’s forearm, her reflection in the mirror smiling back at her, “I love you so much,” she says, “and I’m so proud of you. You’ve become such a wonderful woman,” </p>
<p>“Learned it all from you, Ma,” Tobin says, resting her chin on her Mom’s shoulder, “I know how lucky I am to have had you and Dad as my parents. I’ll never forget all that you’ve done for me,” </p>
<p>Her Mom rubs her hand up and down Tobin’s forearm, her eyes glistening, “I’ll never forget all the adventures and experiences you’re career has taken us,” she says, “from the Olympics to the World Cup, to countries far away.” </p>
<p>“And some of the awesome places we vacationed,” Tobin adds, “doing the climb with you up Mt. Kilimanjaro was the best thing ever,” She says, giving her a gentle hug, “I was so proud of you attacking that trail,” </p>
<p>They had done that trip after Cindy had recovered from her first round of cancer a few years back. After she was deemed cancer free, Cindy wanted to do one of the items on her bucket list to celebrate and choose that one. They coordinated the trip when Tobin was available and their group made the trek up the trail. </p>
<p>“I’m so glad I did that back then,” Cindy replies, “and I’m so glad we’ve done all that we have since you’ve been here,”</p>
<p>“I am too, Ma,” Tobin husks, nuzzling her head against hers, “is there anything else you want to do?” she asks quietly. </p>
<p>“I need to think about it,” she replies, “but I’ll let you know,” she gives her a smile in the mirror. “Now, let’s get breakfast going, I’m actually hungry today,” </p>
<p>“On it,” Tobin agrees, giving her one last squeeze and stepping back from her. She keeps her eyes on her while she navigates leaving the bathroom in her bedroom and when Tobin is satisfied she’ settled in her wheelchair, she heads to the kitchen. </p>
<p>When Tobin serves her breakfast, Cindy gives her a smile that lights up her eyes, “Now,” she says, giving her a little head shake, “tell me how Christen is. Perry said you got in a bit late the other night,” </p>
<p>Tobin should have known that Perry would say something to their Mom, she shakes her head as she sits down across from her Mom. That night, she had stayed with Christen well past after midnight, exploring her body for quite a few hours. They had both gotten off at least three times, before Tobin awkwardly broached the subject of going home. Christen was very understanding that Tobin would feel awkward staying. As much as she would prefer to cuddle with the woman in bed and see her there in the morning, she understood. </p>
<p>“What do you want to know?” Tobin asks her Mom, raising her eyebrows. </p>
<p>“Did you have fun and what restaurant did you go to,” Cindy states, “what did you talk about and do you think you’ll keep seeing her,” </p>
<p>“Oh, wow,” Tobin’s eyes widen, “okay,” she says with a nod, “you really wanna know, huh?” </p>
<p>Her Mom smiles brightly at her, “Yes,” she nods, “I want my baby happy,” </p>
<p>“Alright,” Tobin grins at her, thankful her Mom didn’t outright ask if she slept with Christen, wondering for a second if she somehow just knew she did. Then she remembers all of the comments Perry muttered the next day that were filled with innuendo every time Tobin was nearby. When Tobin had quietly snuck into the house at such a late hour, Perry must have heard her because the next morning she was smirking at her and stating how glowing she looked while still looking rather sleep deprived. </p>
<p>“We went to that restaurant Matt sells his stuff to, Plant and Land? The food was awesome,” she starts, “I didn’t know it was in the old hardware store. We talked about everything it seems,” she smiles at her, “Chris is really great and she’s so smart.” Tobin proceeds to tell her about her whole night and how Christen broke down Tobin’s dilemma about Nike and how different she is from Mary. Tobin hasn’t shared with her Mom the final straw that broke for Tobin to break up with Mary. She never will. She still doesn’t comprehend how someone could be that awful. They chat the whole time while they eat and even more after moving into the sunroom with their second cups of coffee. </p>
<p>Once Cindy is satisfied with Tobin’s recounting of her date, she starts a conversation sharing some things about her relationship with Tobin’s Dad that she was never aware of. She talked about how they grew apart as lovers yet remained steadfast friends and partners in raising the kids. How they loved each other yet were not in love anymore. How hard they both worked to make it an amicable break and not involve the children. She talked about how upset she was when it appeared the kids took sides, yet was so proud of Tobin for having the courage to work on her relationship with her Dad and how glad she was that they grew so close again. Tobin is thirty-seven years old and this is one of the most adult conversations she’s ever had with her Mom. </p>
<p>They talk about the farm and Cindy praises Tobin for doing so well with the quarterly taxes. She has full confidence Tobin will be able to have handle the job. She tells her how Mr. Latham was impressed wither performance as well and that vote of confidence made Tobin feel good. Tobin shares with her some of the ideas she’s had about the farm and how she thought they could improve things and asked her opinion on shifting the staff from contract workers to full time employees to bring down the costs of insurance and still qualify as a small business within the state. They talk about the pros and cons and come to the conclusion that it’s an excellent idea. </p>
<p>Cindy gets excited about the idea of creating maintenance barns and purchasing farming equipment for use on multiple properties. She lights up with ideas and Tobin trots to the study to grab her notebook to write them down, making her slow down so she can get them on paper. They pause so Tobin can fetch the pain pills and a snack for them both and then they start up again with new vigor. Cindy is telling her names of people to contact about real estate and contractors to build the barns who she trusts and likes their work ethic. She shares about some of the failures the farm has had in the past with not keeping crops balanced and warns her about over working the soil. </p>
<p>Cindy admires Tobin’s team approach to the farm, valuing the opinions of the farmers and moving slowly with her three year idea. She appreciates that Tobin doesn’t want to make big changes quickly, rather easing into the role and bouncing ideas and seeing what everyone would be enthusiastic to attack and tackling things in order of importance.  </p>
<p>Tobin shares that she’s still nervous about being in this position and would be relying heavily on Mr. Latham. Cindy assures her she’ll do fine and reminds her that she has all of the references in the ledgers and the files they’ve gone through. She shares with Tobin her own experiences when she took over the farm after her Father retired. She had the advantage of him being around for opinions, yet she had to stand on her own two feet. She has every faith that Tobin will be able to do the same, especially since the farm is in much better shape financially than when she began running it. </p>
<p>When the conversation naturally ended and there was a pause, Cindy speaks, “Tobin,” she says quietly, “I’d like to know if you would want to come with me tomorrow,” her voice is serious. </p>
<p>“Where ya wanna go?” Tobin asks, thinking maybe she wants to hang out at the feed store or go to lunch or something. </p>
<p>“I made an appointment with Mark Haney at his funeral home,” she replies, watching for Tobin’s reaction. </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “I know we went over stuff,” she says slowly, “I thought you had it all done, I thought it was paid for.” </p>
<p>“I put money down but I haven’t picked out anything, I know what I want now,” she answers, “Sally will take me if you feel uncomfortable going,” she says, “it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to. I understand it’s hard.” </p>
<p>Tobin bites her lower lip as she considers attending this meeting, “Yeah, it’s hard,” she agrees, “but I should know your wishes,” she says slowly and then swallows over the lump in her throat, “I’ll take you,” she says quietly with a slow nod. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How was your day?” Tobin asks, her voice low and filled with exhaustion. She’s been mentally tired and feels deflated since her talk with her Mom about going to the funeral home tomorrow. It’s been on her mind all day and she’s dreading it. Her Mom had multiple memory episodes and bathroom issues and Tobin was changing her diaper quite a few times today. It was just a hard day. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong, Tobes?” Perry questions softly, not liking her tone.</p>
<p>“Ah,” she replies, “it was just a long day,” she says, scooting under the covers deeper. She’s in the study in bed, the only light coming from her phone and the iPad monitoring the sunroom where her Mom sleeps. </p>
<p>“What’s going on?” </p>
<p>“Um,” Tobin’s voice trembles, “we’re going to the funeral home tomorrow to finalize stuff,” she says unevenly, her voice cracking a few times. After Tobin agreed to go, she was quiet and reflective the rest of the day, assuring her Mom she was fine. It was bothering much more than she wanted it to though. </p>
<p>“Oh,” Perry sounds alarmed, “I wish I was there,” she sighs, “I would go for you, I really would.” </p>
<p>“I know you would,” Tobin says, “it’s just, like,” she sniffs, “like, just another thing that makes it final, you know?” she says, feeling the tears leak from her eyes.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Perry breathes out sadly, “I’m so sorry,” she says heartfully, “I should have talked to her while I was in and her and I could have done it,” she says remorsefully. </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Tobin sighs, “I mean, I thought she did it already, but she only put down money,” </p>
<p>“Yeah, now that you say that I thought it was taken care of too,” Perry’s voice perks up. </p>
<p>“I went and checked her files tonight,” Tobin replies, “I wanted to be sure she hadn’t and maybe was like, thinking she didn’t,” she informs her, “but there’s only the receipt for a payment on future expenses.” </p>
<p>“Oh,” Perry’s voice sounds hollow, “I’m sorry.” She feels horrible that she didn’t think to talk to her Mom about it and could have prevented Tobin from having to do it. </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Tobin repeats, “it was just like, abrupt, how she brought it up. We were having a great talk about the farm and life and stuff and she’s like, hey you want to go somewhere with me tomorrow? And I’m like, sure, where to and she’s like the funeral home.” She sniffs and wipes her eyes, “It just took me for a loop.” </p>
<p>“Ya think?” Perry erupts, “Shit, Tobin, that’s nuts.” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin sighs, “I think Mom is like, preparing, you know? We’ve gone through all sorts of stuff, like, she wants to be certain I can handle it.” </p>
<p>“I can see her doing that,” Perry observes. </p>
<p>“I think she’s getting ready,” Tobin whispers, her emotions building. She’s feeling overwhelmed again and alone, as if she’s the only one helping. She knows it not because they others aren’t willing, she only has to say the word and they’ll be there as soon as they can. She’s struggled with asking for help and never assumes anyone will just jump in while they’re here. Perry and Katie know this and always tell her to relax and they’ll take care of their Mom while they’re in town. </p>
<p>“Maybe,” Perry agrees, “could be,”</p>
<p>“Per?” She sniffs, then her breath hitches and a soft sob escapes, “I know you were just here, but could you come back soon?” she asks. </p>
<p>Tobin’s voice sounds so small and she sounds so afraid and so sad and uncharacteristically fragile that tears instantly begin for Perry. She feels guilty for not being there, she’s the oldest and should be there, and she feels like she’s let Tobin down for not helping more. She hates that she’s far away and wishes she could drop everything and leave tomorrow. </p>
<p>“Sure,” she replies, her voice uneven and she knows how hard it is for Tobin to ask her this, she knows Tobin has been trying to make it seem like she’s got it handled and they could come when it suits them. She knows how Tobin hates to ask for help, hates to sound, look and feel weak. She knows Tobin must be seriously struggling to be asking her this. “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she promises. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin shakily responds, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Perry says, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow and get a game plan,” she states, “get some sleep,” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin says and God, she sounds so exhausted Perry thinks to herself. </p>
<p>“Love you too,” Tobin sniffs. </p>
<p>They end the call and Tobin lets her phone drop on the mattress and shoves it under pillow. She cries herself to sleep. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin clings to Christen when she arrives at house the next morning. Christen knew Tobin was shook about the funeral home visit yesterday, she was quiet when they talked last night. She’s rubbing her back and swaying slowly from side to side. There’s nothing she can say to comfort her right now. When her Mom passed, she went with her two sisters to make the arrangements. It was surreal. One minute you’re talking about your Mom being dead and then it’s dates and times and then discussing clothing and jewelry and picking out a casket and flowers like some bizarre kind of final social engagement. Then her sister Channing is writing a hefty check and they leave to return home to their despondent Father and the reality that Mom is gone and now they have to go in her closet and look through her wardrobe to find an outfit suitable for the rest of eternity. </p>
<p>Cindy has already had her meds and breakfast and is napping like usual. So, Christen pulls back and leads Tobin to the living room, sitting down and pulling Tobin half onto her lap. She holds her quietly, listening as Tobin lets out a deep sigh. </p>
<p>“You’ll probably go into an office or conference room,” Christen begins, “and the funeral director will guide you through the process,” she says and continues on to share her experience she had with her Mom. When she finishes, Tobin is silent for a minute before lifting her head and looking at her. </p>
<p>“Thank you,” she says heartfully, taking Christen’s hand and rubbing the back with her thumb, “having an idea of what I’m walking into really helps,” she lifts herself from being on Christen and moves her side, her shoulder leaning against her. </p>
<p>“Babe,” Christen says quietly, linking her fingers with Tobin’s and pulling her hand on her lap, “I think your Mom is getting ready,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods silently, her lower lip sucking in her upper lip. </p>
<p>“I couldn’t tell you a time frame or anything,” Christen continues, “but I know the pain meds aren’t doing it for her anymore. Even with the edibles, she’s beginning to feel it pretty bad,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “I know,” she admits quietly, “she doesn’t say it, but you can see it,” </p>
<p>It’s Christen’s turn to nod. </p>
<p>“Last night she was talking to her Dad,” Tobin sinks deeper into the couch, “like, a total full on conversation,” she says, “it was like I wasn’t even in the room,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, “That had to be hard to witness,” she says heartfully, “and I know you know that it probably will happen again, but it’s not easy,” </p>
<p>Tobin shifts once more, resting her head on Christen’s shoulder, “Yeah,” she sighs. </p>
<p>“I’m going to put in a call to Dr. McNamara and see what she thinks,” Christen states, “maybe there’s a different combo we can use to hold off on going to morphine,” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin murmurs, giving her hand a squeeze. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was just like how Christen described, Tobin thinks as she drives back home, feeling this strange calm wash over her. They were escorted into an office and spent an hour completing forms, confirming she would be buried next to Jeffrey in the plots they had purchased together years ago, deciding on songs to play at the church service, her casket, flowers she’d like in the room, the image on the front side of her memorial card and the information and verse on the back. Thank you notes were chosen, Cindy deferring to Tobin to choose and then the register book for guests to sign. It was surreal. There was a calm reassurance the funeral director exuded, giving Tobin kindly looks as they muddled through the process. When it done, they shook hands with him and left the building.  </p>
<p>It took an hour even though it felt like four, Tobin sighs. </p>
<p>“Honey?” Cindy asks from beside her. </p>
<p>Tobin hums, “What?” </p>
<p>“Would it be too much if I showed you what I wanted to wear and the jewelry?” she asks. </p>
<p>“No, that’s fine,” Tobin agrees, “I’ll take pictures so I remember,” she says. </p>
<p>“What a good idea,” she smiles at her, “thank you.” </p>
<p>Tobin glances over, “For what?” </p>
<p>“Can I say everything?” her Mom asks, “Today,” she says, “for coming with me, I know it wasn’t easy for you,” </p>
<p>Tobin reaches over and takes her Mom’s hand, “It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be,” she replies, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.  </p>
<p>Her Mom looks at her wistfully, “Neither is death,” she says quietly, “not when you know the Lord will be there to greet you,” </p>
<p>For a minute Tobin doesn’t know what to say, so she says the first thing that comes to mind, “Amen,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Middle of September</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She doesn’t look good,” Perry sniffs as she enters the kitchen wiping at her eyes. </p>
<p>Tobin nods solemnly, unable to speak at the moment.  </p>
<p>“Her pain is under control with the new mix of drugs,” Christen states quietly, “yesterday was the first day she didn’t want to eat,” she looks at both of them, “it could be the drugs don’t give her much of a appetite,” she suggests half-heartedly. </p>
<p>Perry nods as she walks to the kitchen table, standing behind where Tobin is seated. She sets her hands on Tobin’s shoulders, her fingers gently massaging them. </p>
<p>“All of her vital signs are strong,” Christen continues, “and she’s still drinking water,” </p>
<p>The three just look at one another, knowing that this is the beginning of the end. </p>
<p>Perry breaks the silence, “Here’s what we’re going to do,” she says suddenly, “I’d really like for you and Tobin to go out to dinner, get away for a bit tonight, okay? Aunt Meg and Sally are coming over, we’ll be fine here,” she says, seeing Tobin doesn’t look completely convinced, “I’ll text you if anything changes, I promise.”  </p>
<p>There’s a pause before Tobin speaks, “Chris,” she says, her voice low and strained, “do you feel comfortable leaving? Should we be calling Katie and Jeff?” </p>
<p>“I feel okay leaving for a while,” she agrees, “but I do think it’s time to make those calls,” she says, “I don’t think it’s time yet, but I do think this is a good time to talk and say whatever you want to her while she is still pretty lucid.” She looks at them, “It’s only going to become more uncomfortable for her and then we’ll go to the morphine if she doesn’t perk up tomorrow,” </p>
<p>They understand that this is the time to begin to say goodbye while their Mom can hear them and respond back. </p>
<p>Perry leans over, hugging Tobin from behind while she sits in the chair, “I’ll make the calls,” she says solemnly, “I’ll take care of the flights and stuff,” </p>
<p>“You sure?” Tobin asks, looking up at her.</p>
<p>“Yeah, kiddo,” she says, her voice husky, “I got it,” Perry wants to step up and do these things to relieve Tobin. She wants to take some of the pressure from her. She has some guilt of being the oldest, yet Tobin has been saddled with so much of the responsibility. She knows it’s just how things worked out, yet she hasn’t been able to shake how she feels about it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It had taken only a little convincing from Perry for Tobin to get out of the house. Perry told Christen to leave the dogs, especially since Morena was camped on Cindy’s bed. Tobin had shown Perry her notebook with airline info for Katie and Jeff and the airline and rental car account numbers. She left her Cindy’s credit card as well. The two sisters hugged for a long time, not speaking just holding each other with the knowledge of what was going to occur soon. </p>
<p>Tobin was quiet in the car while Christen drove, their hands loosely entwined. </p>
<p>“Are you hungry at all?” Christen questions, nudging her hand. </p>
<p>“Not really,” Tobin replies, “you?” </p>
<p>Christen shakes her head, “Maybe we’ll get something later, huh?” </p>
<p>“That’s fine,” Tobin murmurs and then sighs, slouching deeper into her seat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christen doesn’t turn any lights on when she leads Tobin into her empty apartment. She guides Tobin to her bedroom silently, turning to kiss her softly. Tobin envelops her in her arms, returning her kiss. When their lips part, Tobin leans in, their foreheads touching. “Chris,” she says, her voice raw and full of emotion, “I need you,” she says with urgency. </p>
<p>“I’m here,” Christen replies, her hands moving to the hem of Tobin’s hoodie, lifting it over Tobin’s head, taking her shirt with it. Tobin hurriedly removes Christen’s sweater and kisses her passionately. Christen can feel Tobin’s need, her urgency as she her hands grip her hips as she kisses her. “Lose the shoes,” Christen murmurs, kissing Tobin’s neck and sucking lightly as she reaches to pop the button on Tobin’s jeans, lowering the zipper and hooking her thumbs under the elastic of Tobin’s underwear and sliding both off her. Tobin is kicking off the pants and Christen chuckles and pushes her onto the mattress, gripping the legs of her pants and pulling them off. She removes Tobin’s socks and drops them to the floor, then she slips off her own pants and climbs up to lay on her. </p>
<p>Tobin reaches for her, “Chris,” she breathes, kissing her, “I need you so bad,” she husks, kissing her hard. </p>
<p>“I’m here,” Christen says in between kisses, “I’m here.” She cups Tobin’s face with her hand, gazing lovingly at her, understanding her need for intimacy right now. She kisses her again, a hand gripping Tobin’s breast, then moves to kiss her neck, then bites at her clavicle as she inches lower down body. </p>
<p>“I want you so bad,” she utters as she settles in between Tobin’s legs, massaging her thighs as she brings her mouth to Tobin’s center. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They didn’t linger at Christen’s house. She got Tobin off twice and Tobin got her off and although Tobin didn’t say anything, Christen could feel her anxiety in wanting to return to the house. They both needed the physical contact, the release from each other. The reassurance they were there for each other. She initiated getting dressed, encouraging Tobin it was fine, that she understood. They ate in the car, stopping to get burgers and fries, not talking much, just eating while the radio played softly. </p>
<p>They enter the house with Tobin holding Christen’s hand, quietly greeting Perry who is sitting the recliner while Cindy sleeps. Perry follows them out to the kitchen where Miss Sally and Aunt Meg are quietly talking as they stand at the kitchen, preparing some sort of a breakfast casserole for tommorow. </p>
<p>Aunt Meg hugs Tobin, holding her tightly and whispering in her ear. Tobin is nodding and when they stand back she gives the woman a solemn nod. Miss Sally lays a hand on Tobin’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze as she gives her a sad smile. Tobin reaches up and lays her hand over the older woman’s and gives it a soft squeeze in return. </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Perry says as she sits down at the kitchen table, “I was thinking of making a list of people to call,” she says, “so they could come see Mom,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and turns to Christen. </p>
<p>“Babe,” Christen says quietly, “I’m going to go home tonight,” she says gently, “I’ll be back in the morning but call me if anything changes, okay?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “I’ll walk you out,” she says and takes a deep breath, letting it slowly out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you,” Tobin says quietly, kissing her softly, “for everything,” </p>
<p>“You’re welcome, babe,” Christen replies, “I’ll see you in the morning, but call me if you need anything,” </p>
<p>“I will,” Tobin nods, “um,” she frowns, “how soon do you think?” she can’t finish the sentence. </p>
<p>“A few days,” she replies, opening the back door to let the dogs in the car. </p>
<p>Tobin swallows and nods. “Will you stay?” she asks, her eyes wide, looking completely overwhelmed. </p>
<p>“I will,” Christen agrees and kisses her, “try to get some rest,” she suggests, “she should sleep through the night,” </p>
<p>Tobin opens the driver’s side door for her, shutting it gently after Christen gets settled in the seat. She watches as she drives off, rubbing her arms and standing in the driveway alone for a few minutes before slowly walking up the back deck stairs and entering the house. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tobin stands alone in the living room, looking at her surroundings in the early morning light. She figures it’s close to seven, she can hear Christen in the sunroom quietly waking Cindy for her morning medications. Two days have passed, her brother and Shaina are here. Katie is here with her husband and the kids, she can hear them quietly stirring upstairs. Perry is in the kitchen, Tobin can smell the scent of coffee in the air.    </p>
<p>She runs her fingers along the antique side table that holds coasters for drinks and a candy dish she clearly remembers being in her Grandma’s house in Rhode Island when she was little. She seems to recall the table was there as well. She takes a step to look at the mirror on the wall near the front door. It has a streamlined Art Deco design engraved silver frame holding the glass and the edges of the mirror have grown slightly hazy. This mirror has hung on the wall for her whole life. </p>
<p>She doesn’t know what possesses her as she walks out the front door, letting it shut quietly behind her and she stands on the front porch. The air is crisp and she brings her hands up to rub on her upper arms over her hoodie in an effort to ward the chill of the early October morning. She walks cross the porch and down the steps, hissing when her bare feet hit the cool wet grass. She walks around the front yard, taking in the trees, looking down at the leaves that have fallen. It makes her think of death and renewal and how life continues on. </p>
<p>She walks around the far side of the house, noting how her breath comes out in little puffs of air, thinking it must be in the forties. She approaches the trellis, the ivy losing it’s green color and wilting into browns and some auburns. Looking directly past it, she sees the birch tree, still standing straight and still holding some leaves that are yellow. Her eyes drift from the tree to the land stretching out behind her, the remnants of the summer crops still in place being allowed to stay to a naturally rot to provide the soil with its nutrients. </p>
<p>Again, the renewal of life is at work while the field is barren of growth. The work being done without being seen, internally. </p>
<p>She kneels in front of the trellis, praying to God to let her Mom’s passing be as painless as possible. She hasn’t prayed for the miracle of life in many months, realizing that it’s just not in the books for her Mom. Her Mom has accepted her impending death and Tobin has as well. She sees the progress of her illness every day. She’d be grateful if God could shoulder some of the pain for her. </p>
<p>Last night, Tobin and Christen sat around the firepit after dinner. Tobin had built up a good fire to keep them warm on the chilly night, the two snuggled together on a bench. She had asked Christen to tell her what death looks like, what her past experiences have been with other patients. She insisted she wanted to hear the truth, not some glossed over version being told to her so she wouldn't worry. They talked for over an hour, Christen sharing scenarios and gestures done by family members she found touching. Tobin asked questions and together they formed a loose 'death plan'. It wasn't anything elaborate, just when it was time to administer the final dose of morphine, Tobin would do it. Tobin would have a Bible verse she'd read while they were all gathered, things like that. She had told Christen that when she had shared her experience going to the funeral home how it had settled her and lessened her anxiety and fear about attending. She prayed by Christen telling her some death experiences, it would calm her and allow her to be in the moment and not paralyzed with fear and grief. She prays she'll handle her Mom's passing with grace and the respect it deserves. </p>
<p>She prays that she’ll be a good shepherd in the following months, being the custodian of taking over the farm and all that it entails. She prays for her siblings, that may have found peace with her Mom dying. She prays she always has the right words to say to comfort others and the wisdom to know when no words should be spoken. She prays that her grief will pass soon and allow her to look back on memories with a smile. She prays her siblings have no regrets or guilt that they weren’t here enough or didn’t spend enough time with Mom. She prays for the farmers and their families, she prays for her extended family.</p>
<p>She prays for Christen. She prays that she’ll have the strength she needs to support the Heath family during this time. She prays Chris knows how much her family appreciates her. She prays Chris will always know she will always support her. She prays God allows her the right time to tell Christen she loves her. She prays God will allow her to be the best partner she can be to her. She prays God will be guide her as she takes over the farm and help her clearly see which other opportunities she should pursue and those she shouldn’t. </p>
<p>She prays to God that her decision she’s made this morning is the right one and He would be pleased with it. </p>
<p>She slowly gets up, the knees of her sweatpants wet from the morning dew, her feet feeling icy cold as she slowly walks back to the house. She’s at peace. She feels calm and armed with the knowledge she’ll be able to handle what comes next. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re freezing,” Christen murmurs when she takes Tobin’s hands in hers, squeezing them. </p>
<p>“I’m gonna go shower,” Tobin states, puckering her lips, “good morning,” </p>
<p>Christen smiles against her lips, “Morning, babe,” she says, giving her another soft kiss. </p>
<p>“Go shower,” Perry calls out good naturedly, “take a coffee with you,” </p>
<p>Tobin hugs Christen and swings them around to face her sister, “Will do,” she says and turns to Christen, smiling mischievously, “wanna join me?” </p>
<p>“Tobin,” Perry warns, holding a spatula up in a threatening manner, yet there’s a grin on her face.</p>
<p>Christen snorts and slaps Tobin’s shoulder lightly, “Go,” she orders her, “I’m going to chart,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods and moves to make her coffee and then goes upstairs. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s late in the afternoon, her Mom has been visiting with friends most of the day. She’s had a nap and is lying in her bed. Tobin has just finished changing her diaper and looks around. She’s got the door closed to the hallway into the rest of the house to give them some privacy. It's been rare these past few days for Tobin to get any alone time with her Mom.  The house has been busy and people are over right now, they can hear them in the kitchen. </p>
<p>She snaps off the rubber gloves, stuffing them into the bag with the soiled diaper and wipes she used to clean her Mom up. She pulls the handle and ties the bag shut. </p>
<p>“Ma,” she says, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking her hand, “I’ve got something to tell you,” she says, “but please don’t say anything yet, at least until I can tell Christen.” </p>
<p>“What is it dear?” she questions, adjusting her glasses and looking at her intently. </p>
<p>“I’m staying here,” Tobin smiles at her, “I’m gonna live here,” </p>
<p>Her Mom tilts her head at her, “What about Portland?” Her eyes don’t have the sparkle they usually carry. </p>
<p>Tobin shrugs, “I’ll keep the condo for awhile,” she says, “and visit and stuff. Maybe wait for the market to surge again and sell.” </p>
<p>“Are you certain?” Her Mom asks, her eyes opening slightly wider, “You’re not telling me this so I can die happy, are you?” </p>
<p>Tobin rolls her eyes, “Ma,” she says, taking her hand with both of hers, rubbing the back of it gently, “I’m going to live here,” she states seriously, “I’m going to run the farm here and get involved with the community,” she says, a smile on her face, “and one day I want Chris to live here with me and I want to have her babies,” </p>
<p>“You love her,” Cindy smiles and Tobin can see just a hint of the sparkle in her eyes. </p>
<p>“I do,” Tobin nods, still smiling. </p>
<p>“I knew it,” Cindy laughs, “oh, honey!” she weakly lifts her arms and Tobin leans down to hug her. </p>
<p>“I knew you were in love with her,” Cindy says with a soft sigh escaping her lips, “I knew it,” </p>
<p>“I love her so much, Ma,” Tobin husks against her Mom’s neck, “I’m so happy being with her.” She feels her Mom cradle the back of her head, like she’s always done.</p>
<p>“I knew you’d stay,” she says, sniffing against her, “I prayed you’d stay.” </p>
<p>“Mom, I don’t want to go anywhere, I want to be here,” Tobin says, getting emotional. “I wish you’d be here with me,” </p>
<p>“I’ve been so happy since you’ve come,” she says, her voice trembling, “it’s been such a blessing to me,” </p>
<p>“I love you Ma,” Tobin cries, “and I promise everything you wanted gets done, just how you want it to,” </p>
<p>“I know you will, child,” her Mom sniffs, “I’m sorry I have to go,” </p>
<p>“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Tobin sobs, choking on her words. </p>
<p>The two hold each other as they cry. When they both grow calmer, Cindy gently pushes Tobin up away from her to look at her. She’s smiling at Tobin, “All you have to do is look at my birch tree, the land, the flowers and the sky and you’ll know I’m around,” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, tears still fresh on her face, barely able to hold back crying some more. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few minutes later, when Tobin opens the door and saunters down the hallway and enters the kitchen, everyone looks startled at her appearance. Christen wordlessly stands up from the table with Katie following her and slips past Tobin to check on Cindy, relieved the woman is alive. Cindy asks for pain meds and she dispenses them cautiously. Morphine is nothing to mess around with. Cindy swallows down the liquid and when Christen moves to pull back her hand, Cindy grabs it, looking at her intently. </p>
<p>“I’m ready,” she states with determination, “I can’t take it anymore,” </p>
<p>Christen nods and she hears how Katie gasps behind her. “Okay,” </p>
<p>“You take care of my Tobin,” she says, “she loves you dearly,” </p>
<p>“I will,” Christen promises, it’s on the tip of her tongue to tell her she loves Tobin as well, yet she hesitates. </p>
<p>Cindy senses this, “I know you love her,” she states, giving her tired smile, “you’ll know when the time is right to tell her.” </p>
<p>Christen nods again, amazed at Cindy’s perceptiveness with the amount of drugs in her system. Yet she’s seen things with terminal patients, how they become incredibly lucid before they pass, needing to share important words or even just waking from a coma for brief periods to make eye contact.</p>
<p>“I’m going to nap now,” Cindy states, “then I’ll say my goodbyes,” she looks over to the corner of the room, “Jeffrey is waiting for me,” </p>
<p>Christen shares a wide eyed look with Katie and then lets her eyes move to the empty corner, seeing nothing but she can’t shake the feeling the they are not alone. She looks over and Cindy has her eyes shut with a trace of a smile on her face. Her breathing is slightly labored and Christen knows it will continue to be a struggle for her until the next round of morphine. </p>
<p>She nods to Katie and they leave the room, silently walking back to the kitchen where Jeffrey and Shaina look positively freaked out, sitting at the table with wide eyes. Christen gives them a tight sympathetic smile, pausing at the table. </p>
<p>“Maybe you might like to sit with her for awhile,” she suggests, “she’s sleeping now, but she’ll wake in a little bit,” The last three doses of morphine had Cindy drifting off for twenty minutes or so before waking to talk. </p>
<p>Jeffrey nods, pulling at Shaina’s hand and the screeching of their chairs on the hardwood floor is heard and they’re moving quickly to the sunroom. Tobin’s cries can be heard from another room, she’s sobbing and it nearly brings tears to Christen’s eyes. Katie looks indecisive, chewing on the side of her mouth. </p>
<p>“Go,” Christen suggests, “she needs you,” </p>
<p>Katei gives her a quick nod and takes a deep breath before she moves, noisily letting the air out. She isn’t prepared to face her sister, the calmest person she’s ever known who is right now completely losing her shit. She holds Christen’s gaze, giving her another slight nod, “Thanks,” she says, running her hands on the thighs of her jeans and straightening her spine as she walks out of the room. </p>
<p>Christen walks to the pantry where her laptop is set up and records the dosage of the morphine she’s just administered. She realizes Mr. Latham, Sally and Meg have left, the three having their own time with Cindy earlier. Between visitors coming to the house and Facetime, Cindy has been talking and saying goodbye to just about everyone she knows. It’s been a busy time and the Heath women had been keeping it together until just now. It’s one thing to comfort friends and extended family, but when Tobin came out of the room looking as destroyed as she did, that is a completely different thing. Christen doesn’t know what transpired between Tobin and her Mom but she suspects it was Cindy’s goodbye to her. </p>
<p>Absently Christen swipes down the kitchen table after picking up the empty coffee mugs and plates and boxing up the remainder of the coffee cake someone had brought in this morning. Eventually Perry and Katie enter the kitchen, wiping at their eyes and looking around with hollow expressions. </p>
<p>“Is she okay?” Christen asks, turning to look at them from the counter. </p>
<p>Perry nods, “I think it just hit her,” she replies. </p>
<p>Christen nods, “Did she leave?” </p>
<p>Katie shakes her head, “She’s in the study,” she informs her, “go talk to her,” </p>
<p>Christen nods, turning her head and slightly smiling when she hears Cindy’s gentle laugh. “Your Mom is up,” she says and cocks her head towards the sunroom, “Jeffrey and Shaina are in there,” </p>
<p>The women pass each other in the kitchen, Perry and Katie heading to the sunroom and Christen to the study. The door is open and she sees Tobin is sitting on the floor up against her bed. Her legs are splayed out, hands resting on her thighs, looking down. </p>
<p>“Hi,” Christen greets softly, her hand on the doorjamb, standing in the doorway. </p>
<p>Tobin looks up and gives her a sad smile, “Hi,” she says, her voice just above a whisper. </p>
<p>“Did you want to be alone?” </p>
<p>Tobin shakes her head, pushing herself up from her slouch and patting the wood floor beside her leg. Christen walks over and sits down next to her. Tobin leans against her, resting her head on Christen’s shoulder. </p>
<p>“I kind of lost it,” she says suddenly, her voice nasally and rough. </p>
<p>“You’re allowed to,” Christen states, “it’s okay to be sad.” </p>
<p>Tobin nods against her shoulder, “I know,” she sniffles, “I just hate upsetting the others,” she says, “I don’t just lose it like that in front of them,” </p>
<p>“I understand,” Christen sighs, shifting and moving her arm so it’s around Tobin’s shoulder. “What do you need, babe?” she asks. </p>
<p>“Can we just sit here for a few minutes?” Tobin asks meekly. </p>
<p>Christen squeezes her closer, “Of course,” she says, tilting her neck to rest her head on the Tobin’s. Her free hand finds Tobin’s and they sit there, holding hands, not speaking. Tobin shifts and turns into her, wrapping a hand around Christen’s face and settling herself her head on her chest. Christen strokes Tobin’s back, humming softly and rocking slightly. </p>
<p>When they hear the doorbell ring and Perry greeting someone, Tobin pulls away and looks up at her, her eyes bloodshot from crying earlier. She looks spent. “I guess we should get out there,” she says quietly. </p>
<p>“We should do whatever you want to do,” Christen states, “if you don’t feel like facing anyone, don’t. You need to do what’s best for you right now,” </p>
<p>Tobin sniffs and nods, thinking for a moment. “I’m gonna get cleaned up,” she says slowly, “want to take a little walk?”</p>
<p>Christen gives her a small smile, “Sure,” she says and puckers her lips. Tobin gives her a kiss and peels away to stand up. She extends her hand and helps Christen to her feet and pulls her into a hug, “Thank you,” she husks, her voice still nasal from congestion and rough. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where’s Christen?” Perry asks Tobin when she enters the kitchen. The kitchen has become the center of the house where they gather when they’re not in the sunroom with their Mom. Tobin and Christen had taken their walk, bundled up in jackets, shortening their stroll when the wind really started to blow. Tobin had gone upstairs and washed her face, removed her contacts and put on her glasses before they left, feeling a bit more refreshed. </p>
<p>They ate dinner while Cindy slept, a quiet affair without much talking around the table. Tobin washed dishes with Jeffrey and Shaina drying them and putting them away. Christen checked on Cindy, taking her vitals. She reported back quietly to the others that her body was slowly shutting down and they should prepare themselves. </p>
<p>“She’s taking a nap,” Tobin replies, “we should wake her up if anything changes with Mom,” </p>
<p>Perry nods, “She’s going to be up all night?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Yeah, she said she would,” </p>
<p>When they finish cleaning the kitchen, they enter the sunroom, joining Katie and decide to watch one of their Mom’s favorite movies. </p>
<p>“She wanted to have one last Christmas,” Tobin states solemnly, eying the decorated tree in the corner, “we should watch one of her favorite Christmas movies,” </p>
<p>They nod and Perry looks through her Mom’s collection of favorite movies and selects Christmas In Connecticut. Jeffrey pops a few bags of popcorn, passing the bowls around for each of them. Everyone is only slightly watching the movie, their all distracted by Cindy’s breathing. It’s labored while she sleeps. </p>
<p>The movie is nearly over when Cindy inhales deeply and rattles out a breathe. Her chest expands again and her breathing much more labored. </p>
<p>“Tobin!” Perry says with alarm. </p>
<p>Tobin nods and gets up, “Ma,” she says, sitting on the edge of her bed, “It’s Christmas,” she says, “we’re watching your favorite movie, Christmas in Connecticut,” </p>
<p>Cindy lets out a moan with her exhale. Tobin looks at Perry, “Call Sally and Aunt Meg,” she says gravely, standing up, “I’m gonna get Chris,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Chris,” Tobin says laying on hand on her arm, “baby, wake up,” </p>
<p>Christen lets out a sigh and rolls on her side to face her, blinking in the dim light. “Hey,” she says sleepily. </p>
<p>“Ma’s breathing changed,” Tobin informs her tersely, “I think it’s time,” she says as tears roll down her face. </p>
<p>“Oh, honey,” Christen frowns, flipping the blanket off and swinging her legs on the side of the bed, “I’ll just be a minute,” she says as she stands. She pulls Tobin to her, “Do you still think you can do it?” she asks softly. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Tobin replies, “Sally and Aunt Meg are on their way,” </p>
<p>“I’m gonna stop in the bathroom and I’ll be right there,” Christen says, giving her a kiss on her cheek. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alexa,” Tobin calls out, “play Mom’s special playlist.” </p>
<p>“Playing Mom’s Special Playlist,” the machine replies and a moment later the sound of Silent Night fills the room. </p>
<p>“Ma, it’s Christmas,” Tobin sits on the side of the bed, taking Cindy’s hand and holding it in hers, her thumb gently stroking the top of her hand, “we’re all here,” she says, looking up to glance around. Everyone is standing around the bed and Christen is behind her, her hand on Tobin’s shoulder. </p>
<p>“You’ve fought the good fight, Ma,” Tobin says, “it’s time to rest,” Christen hands Tobin the small bottle of morphine, “I’m going to give you some medicine to take the pain away, Ma, okay?” she says as she places a hand behind Cindy’s neck to raise it a little and brings the bottle to her lips, letting the liquid pour into her mouth. </p>
<p>Cindy swallows most of it and coughs up some and Tobin tenderly wipes her mouth and cheek and slowly lowers her head back on the pillows. </p>
<p>“Ma,” she says, “Sally is here,” </p>
<p>“I love you Cin,” Sally says tearfully, “rest easy now,” </p>
<p>“Aunt Meg came too,” Tobin informs her. </p>
<p>“Say hi to Mom and Dad for me, sis,” Aunt Meg says, her hand on Cindy’s leg, giving it a squeeze. </p>
<p>“I love you Mom,” Katie says, a sob escaping her lips, leaning into Perry. </p>
<p>“Mom, you’ve been the best,” Perry’s voice trembles, “it’s an honor to be your daughter. I love you,” </p>
<p>“Gonna miss you, Ma,” Jeffrey cries and buries his head into Shaina, who’s holding him and unable to speak. </p>
<p>“Chris?” Tobin turns to her, “Will you hand me my Bible, please?” </p>
<p>Christen nods and hands over the well worn book to her. Tobin adjusts her seat on the bed next to her Mom, her one hand still holding her Mother’s, the other flipping through the book on her lap. She finds the page and clears her throat. </p>
<p>“Ma,” she says, her voice steady, low and rough with emotion and Christen is impressed with how she’s holding it together, “this is from the Book of John,” she states. Then she glances around the room and nods to them as they sniffle and wipe their eyes. </p>
<p>
  <em>“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”</em>
</p>
<p>Tobin feels how Christen is rubbing her back lightly, one hand on her shoulder and the other slowly moving up and down and it feels so comforting to her right now. The room is silent as they watch Cindy, listening to how her breathing slows. </p>
<p>“Love you, Ma,” Tobin says, sniffling and closing her book, lifting it up and Christen takes it and places it on the side table behind her. </p>
<p>Tobin tenderly places her hand on her Mom’s cheek, leading everyone in praying the Our Father and by the time they finish, they are unsure if she’s breathing or not. The soft sounds of sniffles and crying is heard and Tobin finds it a very surreal experience with the backdrop of the Christmas music. Tobin slowly retracts her hand and stands up and steps back, giving Christen a look and she nods. She steps forward and removes her stethoscope from around her neck, putting the earbuds in and leaning down to place it on Cindy’s chest. She listens for a minute and then moves the round disc to another spot on her chest and listens again. She bites her lower lip and straightens up, removing the earbuds and looking around the room. </p>
<p>“I’m so very sorry,” she states emotionally, “she’s gone,” she sniffs, struggling to keep her composure. </p>
<p>Tobin immediately hugs her, both of them letting their grief out, clinging to each other as the others do the same. When they compose themselves, Christen looks around. </p>
<p>“You can touch her,” she invites, “or sit with her for a bit, I don’t have to call immediately.” She steps back to linger near the doorway. </p>
<p>Perry nods and moves to the head of the bed, taking her Mom’s hand and kissing it. Then she moves aside for Jeffrey and Shaina to approach her. She walks up to Christen with arms open, engulfing her in a hug. </p>
<p>“Thank you so much,” she says heartfully, “so much,” she says as she tightens her hug around her. Christen can’t help to let some tears escape. </p>
<p>Katie comes up and thanks for her as well, so does Jeffrey and Shaina, then Meg and Sally. She’s feeling overwhelmed by the kindness of this family, Katie softly asking if she’s alright. Jeffrey stating how she was such a Godsend for their family. </p>
<p>When Tobin takes her in her arms, she feels safe and she feels how comforting she is. She slowly rocks back and forth, humming lightly along with the Christmas music. “She really liked you,” Tobin murmurs in her ear, “she would tell me how sweet and kind you were to her all the time,” </p>
<p>They stay like that for a couple of minutes and they can hear how everyone is composing themselves as well. When her and Christen give each other one final squeeze and untangle themselves to stand side by side, she sees how everyone is looking at her. </p>
<p>“I’m going to call Mark at the funeral home,” Tobin says quietly, “unless you want more time with Mom.” </p>
<p>Perry looks unsure and Katie is looking at her, and Jeffrey is still wiping his eyes. </p>
<p>“It’ll take him a bit to get here,” Tobin says, “so I’ll call and we can hang out.” </p>
<p>They nod and Christen walks with her to the study, holding her hand. </p>
<p>“Are you okay to do this?” She asks her, wanting her to know she would shoulder this responsibility if needed. With her other clients, typically Christen would have all of the unreal home information and would make the call. </p>
<p>“I am,” Tobin replies, giving her a soft kiss, “thank you,” </p>
<p>“I need to do some paperwork then,” Christen states, edging towards the door. She watches as Tobin sits at the desk, wiping her eyes one more time and then opening a drawer and pulling out a file. She leaves to the pantry to complete the death certificate. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>An hour later, the group watches as Mark and his assistant load their Mom on a stretcher into the grey nondescript van in the driveway. They are standing a few feet away, having insisted on helping them bring her down the back deck stairs. Shaina, Sally and Aunt Meg are watching from the back porch with Christen and the dogs. </p>
<p>As the van backs out into the street, the group turns and slowly walks up to the deck and they enter the house. They all settle in at the kitchen table. </p>
<p>“Mark said we could meet tomorrow around eleven,” Tobin says, “if any of you want to join me, I’ll be ready to go at 10:30. There’s not much to do, it’s all set, so it’ll take only a little bit. No judgement if you don’t want to come, I understand,” </p>
<p>Everyone at the table knows her statement and offer is directed to her siblings and nobody says anything. Instead, Perry stands up and walks to the pantry, they can hear her opening cabinets and then returns with a serving tray carrying shot glasses and a bottle of Tullamore Dew. </p>
<p>They fill up the glasses and hand them around, quietly waiting for someone to make a toast. Before the silence grows too long and awkward, Aunt Meg rises from her chair and lifts the tiny glass in her hand. </p>
<p>“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no can steal,” she says wisely, her voice carrying her grief, “To Cindy,” she toasts and it’s a mix of to Cindy’s and to Mom’s before everyone downs their shot and sets the glasses on the table. </p>
<p>They sit for a minute then Jeffrey looks around the table, deep in thought, “What about photo boards?” he asks, his eyes settling on Tobin. </p>
<p>“Dude,” she says, realizing that would be a great added touch to her Mom’s wake, “I didn’t even think of that,” </p>
<p>With that, Perry and Katie are up and moving, leaving the kitchen to find the photo albums. When they return each carrying an armload, Shaina and Tobin help maneuver the books to the table. </p>
<p>“I’m going to head up, kids,” Aunt Meg states, “but I’ll call tomorrow, and you call me if you need me for anything, you hear?” </p>
<p>“I’m going to go as well,” Sally adds. </p>
<p>They all nod and rise, offering hugs and thank yous, both Aunt and Sally promising to go through her photo albums to contribute.</p>
<p>Tobin approaches Christen, seeing how indecisive and exhausted she looks. “Hey babe,” she says, pulling her in and hugging her. “Did you want to leave too?” </p>
<p>Christen pulls her head back to look at her, “I’ll stay if you want me,” she offers quietly, “but I’ve gotta go to sleep,” </p>
<p>“Will you?” Tobin asks, looking hopeful, “It’d be real nice not to sleep alone tonight,” </p>
<p>Christen gives her a quick kiss, “Then I’ll stay,” she nods, “will you take of the dogs?” </p>
<p>Tobin nods, “Can I get you anything? A water? Do you have a headache? Want some Tylenol?” </p>
<p>Christen smiles at how sweet she’s being, “A water would be great,” she says, “I’m going to say my goodnights and I’ll meet you in the study,” she gives her another soft kiss, “you can tuck me in,” </p>
<p>“Okay,” Tobin breathes, “I will,” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>XXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p>Christen is barely awake when she feels Tobin tense up next to her in the small twin bed. She lifts her head from the pillow they’re sharing to look at her. Tobin is looking up at the ceiling, her expression is thoughtful. </p><p>“Morning,” Christen sleepily mumbles, bringing her arm across Tobin’s chest, “did you sleep?” </p><p>Tobin side eyes her, “A little,” she says and lets out a deep sigh, “I don’t have a black dress,” she huffs out, “or any decent clothes.” </p><p>“Babe,” Christen goes up on an elbow, “I have dresses you can borrow,” she offers, “and I think I even have some heels that would work for you,” two of her fingers caress Tobin’s sternum, “I can shoot home and bring them back for you to check out, okay?” </p><p>Tobin gives her a sad smile, “I would really appreciate that,” she says heartfully, “the thought of shopping right now would just,” she shivers. </p><p>“I understand,” Christen agrees, “would you like for me to contact the people to come and get the hospital bed?” </p><p>Tobin moves and her hand covers Christen’s and she gives it a soft squeeze, “That would be great,” she murmurs, “Oh, there’s so much to do and I should have made a list,” she huffs and then sighs deeply, “and I’m so tired,” </p><p>“Well, maybe we can take a nap this afternoon,” Christen suggests, “once you get through your phone calls and go to see Mark,” </p><p>Tobin lets out a sigh, “Yeah,” she says, “what time is it?” she blindly reaches for her phone, fumbling it a little and then squints to read it. </p><p>“Wanna stay here another hour?” she yawns. </p><p>“Yes,” Christen hums, rolling on her back and pulling her towards her. Tobin settles on her shoulder while Christen scratches her scalp soothingly until they both fall back asleep. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin rubs her eyes tiredly and then puts her glasses back on, looking over at Perry. “Is that all of them?” she questions wearily, resting her chin in her hand with her elbow on the table. </p><p>“I’ve got two more and that should be it,” Katie interjects, holding up two index cards from their Mom’s small contact box. </p><p>Tobin yawns and stretches her arms above her head, “Okay,” she says, “Jeff and Shaina are working are working on the photos,” she notes, “what else do we need to do?” Her phone chirps with another incoming text message that she glances at and ignores for now. She had called Alex and Allie to let them know her Mom had passed and asked them to let everyone else know. Her phone is blowing up from the group chat they’re all in. She’ll look at the texts later. </p><p>Christen had hung out at the house with the Shaina and the dogs and by the Tobin and her siblings had returned from the funeral home, the hospital bed was gone and the area it had once occupied was cleaned and the furniture spread out in its place. Both Shaina and Christen looked a little as if they thought they may have overstepped, but Tobin hugged them and thanked them profusely, telling them she was touched by their efforts. As Perry brought out their Mom’s little box of index cards of people they needed to call, Tobin and Christen realized a nap was not in their future. </p><p>Christen regretfully departed soon after that, promising to return after dinner with dresses and shoes for Tobin to look over. They hugged for a long time on the back deck with Tobin thanking her repeatedly for all that’s she done for her and her family. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p><em> First Week of October</em> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s what she wore at the wedding,” Jeffrey’s voice cracks as he speaks. The group is in the visitation room an hour before it opens to the rest of the family and are gathered around the casket looking at Cindy. </p><p>“She chose it,” Tobin replies with a sniffle, wiping her eye under her glasses with a sniffle, “she said she loved that day and that dress,”</p><p>“She looks beautiful,” Katie sniffles, “almost like she’s smiling,” </p><p>“Grandma sleeping?” Cole asks, he’s being held by Perry. </p><p>“She’s sleeping with the angels,” Perry replies in a hushed tone. </p><p>“With Jesus,” Cole nods knowingly, smiling as if it’s the best thing ever. </p><p>“Yeah, bud,” Tobin reaches and ruffles his hair, “she’s hanging with Jesus,” </p><p>“The rosary is beautiful,” Katie comments, “is that hers?” </p><p>“It’s your Great-Grandma Tobin’s rosary from Ireland,” Aunt Meg answers. </p><p>“Wow,” Katie murmurs. </p><p>They linger in the room, praising Jeffrey and Shaina on their work with the photo boards they created, viewing and commenting on the huge amount of floral displays sent. Perry states she’ll make sure she gets all of the cards so they can write proper thank you notes later. They all tear up at the rustic planter filled with herbs and young vegetables sent from the farmers as a collective. Individual arrangements were sent from each family of the farmers as well. Tobin points out the symbolism of the planter as it contains young plants of all of the crops they grow. </p><p>Mark steps in the rear of the room, catching Tobin’s eye and nodding. </p><p>She takes a deep breath and looks at her brother and sisters, “You guys ready for this?” she asks. They nod and Mark opens the double doors. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s all a blur to Tobin, there’s so many people, so much family she hasn’t seen in a long time, so many soccer players she shared the pitch with. She doesn’t get much of a chance to speak with them for long, just accepting their hugs and condolences before the next person steps in. It’s the same of her siblings, co-workers and friends that have flown in to pay their respects. It’s overwhelming. </p><p>Tobin has no idea what time it is, she feels like she’s been standing near the casket in a line with her siblings for hours when she feels a tug on the sleeve of her dress. It’s Christen. </p><p>“Hi,” Tobin breathes out, stepping back and hugging her. </p><p>“You doing okay?” Christen asks quietly, handing her a bottle of water. Tobin accepts it gratefully, spinning the cap and greedily taking a long drink. Her throat is so dry from talking she nearly chugs the whole bottle. </p><p>She takes another step back to get out of the line for minute. “This is insane,” she shakes her head, bewildered by the amount of people coming through. </p><p>“Are you hungry? Do you want to step away for a quick snack?” Christen asks with concern. </p><p>“I’m not, thanks,” Tobin replies, “what time is it?” she inquires, forgetting to have worn a watch. </p><p>“It’s almost eight,” Christen informs her, “the line is getting thinner,” she states, “it was going out the door earlier.” </p><p>“How are you doing? Are you okay?” Tobin asks, looking at her intently. </p><p>Christen smiles, “I’m okay,” she nods, stepping back and looking over up and down, “you look really nice,” she praises, a hint of a smile at her. </p><p>“Oh, thanks,” Tobin looks down at the dress she’s wearing, “this is a nice dress,” she says, “thank you for letting borrow it,” </p><p>“Are the shoes comfy?” Christen inquires, referring to the black open toed ankle booties that Tobin had selected. </p><p>“Shockingly, yes,” Tobin chuckles, “how do you have so many black dresses for me to choose from?” </p><p>Christen rolls her eyes and sighs, “Kind of an occupational thing, babe,” </p><p>Tobin grimaces and slaps her forehead with her hand and then shakes her head, pulling Christen in for another hug, “I’m sorry, babe,” she says, “I wasn’t thinking,” </p><p>“Honey,” Christen says, pulling back to look at her, “it’s alright,” she says sincerely. </p><p>Tobin nods and then looks her over, stepping close to her, “You look amazing,” she whispers close to her, “it’s distracting,” </p><p>“Hey, Tobin,” Perry calls, gesturing to her. </p><p>Tobin nods and turns back to Christen. </p><p>“Go,” Christen nods, “I’ll be around,”</p><p>“We’re inviting a few people back to the house,” Tobin informs her, “want to pop home, get changed into something and bring the puppies over?” </p><p>“Sure,” Christen nods and steps forward and kisses her cheek and then shoos her towards her sister. </p><p>Tobin turns back and steps forward to greet a couple she doesn’t recognize with Perry informing her who they are. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, how’s she doing?” Kelley asks Christen with her arm slung over her shoulder. </p><p>“She’s holding up pretty well,” Christen informs her and the other soccer players she’s standing with huddled in a back corner of the room. They had entered as group around five o’clock, paying their respects and planting themselves in a corner, talking amongst themselves. Alex and Allie had gone out and picked up trays of small sandwiches and a couple of veggie platters for the room assigned to the family for snack breaks and had been monitoring it. </p><p>The husbands and parents of most of the women wasn’t far, just a few feet away standing and sitting in club chairs, talking quietly. </p><p>Christen is introduced as Tobin’s friend to some of the super stars of women’s soccer. Julie Foudy, Megan Rapinoe, Christine Sinclair, Abby Wambach, Yael Averbach. She greets Lauren Holiday and meets her husband and daughter and the same with Heather O’Reilly and Amy Rodriguez. She meets Anson Dorrance, coach from UNC, Mark Parsons, the coach of the Portland Thorns and Armin Whisler, owner of the Chicago Red Stars. Other coaches from other NWSL teams were milling around as well as players Christen could recognize from years of watching matches. Christen could see the grief etched on their faces, so many of them having known Tobin, and by extension Cindy for years. </p><p>“How are you holding up?” Kelley asks, looking at her closely. </p><p>“I’m good,” Christen nods, seeing Alex and Allie approach. </p><p>“Tobin said you were amazing through all of this,” Kelley says quietly, “she said she didn’t know what they would have done if it wasn’t for you,” </p><p>Christen feels herself blushing at that, “I was just doing my job,” she says quietly, giving a thin smile to Allie and Alex. </p><p>“Are you going to back to Tobin’s?” Allie asks, “A bunch of us are,” </p><p>Christen shrugs, “I think so,” she replies. She knows Tobin asked her, yet she doesn’t want to overstep. This is a time for family and friends and she's unsure where she fits in those categories. </p><p>“You should,” Alex says with certainty, “she’d want you there.” Alex must be a mind reader, she thinks. </p><p>Allie must pick up on her expression as well. “If she asked you, she wants you there,” she asks, looking over her shoulder, “You should come,” </p><p>Kelley is looking between the three of them, the wheels in her head spinning wondering why they are pushing for Christen to go to the house. “Wait,” she says suddenly and little too loudly, “are you,” she quiets herself, “are you dating her?” she asks with wide eyes. </p><p>Christen jumps a little as arms surround her from behind, then she hears Tobin’s voice, “Hey, babe” she says, giving a soft kiss to her cheek, and resting her chin on her shoulder, “we’re gonna head out soon,” she says and slides to her side, leaving an arm resting around her shoulder. </p><p>Kelley looks like a fish, her mouth opening and closing a few times. Allie lets out a burst of laughter, holding her hand to her mouth and pointing at Kelley, “Your face!” she exclaims. </p><p>Kelley glares at her and then at Christen, “You maybe could have mentioned this?” she demands, putting her hands on her hips. </p><p>“It’s pretty recent,” Tobin says smoothly, “with everything going on, we haven’t really put it out there,” she explains easily and Christen gives her a grateful smile. She doesn’t want to feel the wrath of one of Kelley’s interrogations.</p><p>Kelley nods, “That’s cool,” she says, “figured it was coming,” she grins. </p><p>Tobin chuckles and shakes her head, “Thanks, Kel,” she says. Then she looks over and nods. “I’ll see you guys at the house, alright?” She gives Christen another kiss on her cheek and walks away. </p><p>“I think they want us to leave,” Alex observes, seeing one of the funeral directors quietly speaking with another group who are standing up to leave. </p><p>Christen looks at her watch and nods, “We should head out,” </p><p>Kelley loops her arm through Christen’s as they walk, “So, Pressy,” she grins, “can I hitch a ride with ride you?” </p><p>Christen chuckles, knowing the interrogation is coming, “Sure, Kel,” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Christen and Kelley walk up to the firepit upon seeing the roaring flames and the silhouettes of people sitting on the benches. They see it’s mostly soccer players, Ashlyn standing up and offering them beers. Christen sits next Allie taking a long pull from her beer. </p><p>“Moms and kids are in the house and Ash is determined to get buzzed before they have to go back to the hotel,” Allie explains.</p><p>Ashlyn lifts her beer, “Damn right!” she says.</p><p>Allie moves her head closer to Christen, “Tobin is in the house, but she’s coming back out,” she says quietly, “they were doing shots in there,” she warns her. </p><p>Christen nods, “I hope they don't go overboard,” she frowns. </p><p>“Nah,” Allie shakes her head, “Aunt Meg will keep them in line,” she says, “and they know tomorrow is an early day.” </p><p>“Hey, Christen,” HAO says, “are we going to see you in a few weeks in Portland?” </p><p>“Um, yeah,” Christen replies, looking around and seeing how expectant everyone looks, “is something special happening?” she asks slowly. </p><p>“She didn’t tell you,” Allie says, “that’s just like her,” she chuckles. </p><p>“She said she has thing with the Thorns and asked I’d go with her to the match,” Christen explains.</p><p>“They’re retiring her number,” Lauren Holiday explains, “and Sinc’s as well,” she says and points to the Canadian. </p><p>“Oh, wow,” Christen’s eyes widen, “I haven’t heard anything about it,” she says, looking around. </p><p>“Thorns are keeping it quiet,” Allie explains, “it’s going to be a special halftime presentation,” </p><p>“Congratulations,” Christen says to Christine, “that is amazing.” She thinks for a minute, “Wait, isn’t Lauren and Lori Chalupny the only other numbers retired?” </p><p>"Woohoo, Cheney!" Ashlyn cheers. </p><p>“Tobes said she wasn’t sure her family could come with all the time they’ve taken off,” Amy Rodriguez states, “I called Perry last week to tell her and give her the details, she said she’d tell Katie and Jeffrey, but she didn't think they could do it.” </p><p>“Oh,” Christen nods. </p><p>“Christen,” Sinc says, “when they announced this, I told Tobin I wasn’t going to have my family come out during the presentation,” she informs her, “they’re all going to stay in the box and we’ll go down on the pitch. With everything going on, I didn’t want to put her in that position,” she says, "and with my Mom in a wheelchair, it would be too much on her."</p><p>“Aw, Sincy,” Allie coos, “that was so sweet,” </p><p>The Canadian casually shrugs, “Neither of us are into all that fanfare,” she explains, “we earned the right to do it how we want,” she says and takes a drink of her beer. </p><p>They see two figures coming toward them from the side of the house, walking with arms linked. It’s Alex and Tobin. They are giggling as they approach and they can hear Tobin exclaim, “You never told me that!” </p><p>Alex is laughing hard, “I didn’t want to freak you out!” </p><p>“What are you talking about?” Allie demands and they turn to look at her. </p><p>“Hey babe!” Tobin greets, moving to her. Christen spreads her arms to invite Tobin to sit on her lap. Which she does, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Hi,” she grins at her and Christen can see she’s pretty stoned. </p><p>“Hi, honey,” she says and puckers her mouth. Tobin gives her a quick kiss. </p><p>“What were you talking about?” Kelley asks, letting Alex sit on her lap. She grunts when Alex does and Alex slaps her shoulder. </p><p>Alex chuckles, “I was telling Tobin how this one time I went home for Christmas,” she says, “it was like, 2014 and my Mom sat me down for a serious talk.” </p><p>“About what?” HAO questions. </p><p>“She asks me how things are with Serva,” Alex explains with a grin on her face, her eyes look pretty glassy as well and Christen thinks she may have joined Tobin for a couple of hits, “and after I tell her how distance is hard and how much I love him, she starts asking about Tobin. How is she? How is living with her?” She looks around the fire and shrugs, grinning widely as Tobin is giggling while she talks, “and I’m like I love her, she’s amazing.” </p><p>Alex shakes her head, “She keeps talking about Tobin and me and what we’ve been doing and was it hard for me when she was in France. Then, like, a light goes on and I’m asking her why do you want to know about Tobin? And she gets all flustered and tells me she loves me and would love anyone I have feelings for, but she wants to know if I’m with Tobin or Serva.” </p><p>The group howls with laughter, not expecting that. </p><p>Alex arches an eyebrow with a smirk on her face, “Apparently, her friends thought we shared one too many smoldering looks at one another,” </p><p>“Fuck, Al,” Kelley exclaims, “the world thought you two did!” </p><p>“Ali asked me if you two were together,” Ashlyn laughs, “like, seriously, she thought something was going on,” </p><p>"The whole Portland/Orlando hug," Allie laughs, "the internet exploded over it!" </p><p>Tobin shakes her head, “Never,” she states. Then she turns to look at Christen, “Nothing ever happened between us, babe,” she says earnestly. </p><p>“Okay,” Christen nods.</p><p>“Christen,” Alex says seriously, “honest, nothing ever happened.” </p><p>“I believe you,” she states. </p><p>“Really,” Alex persists, “we were, are, just the best of friends. We both did a lot of growing up and maturing when we lived together in Portland. It was just an incredibly special time,” </p><p>“There really was something special about Portland back then,” Allie muses, “we were just kids living our dream of playing soccer and were lucky enough to be in an amazing soccer city.” </p><p>They begin to talk about their time during the beginning of the league and how things have changed since then. It's then that Christen realizes how important Portland is to Tobin. It's where she grew up. </p><p>During a moment of silence, Megan Rapinoe squirms in her seat. “So Toby,” Megan smiles, “I got a phone call form Nike,” she states, looking smug. </p><p>“Yeah?” Tobin lazily replies, nuzzling into Christen’s side a bit more. </p><p>“Jayson was asking me to do a new line and mentioned you had turned him down,” she replies. </p><p>“Holy shit! I got an email from him!” Lauren laughs, “I replied LOL why?” </p><p>“Me too,” Ashlyn chuckles, “seems he forgot I’m an Adidas girl.”</p><p>The others join in that they’ve been contacted. None of them have confirmed, since it was recent and they wanted to think about it. </p><p>“You’ve been Nike through and through,” Megan continues, “why’d you say no?” </p><p>Tobin lifts her head up and looks around the group, seeing they’re all looking at her. “Well,” she says and clears her throat, “Nike would want to make a premium boot that most kids couldn’t afford, the ball would be cheap and we know their cheap balls are crap and I don’t want to do a photo shoot. Also,” she shrugs, “I’m still pissed that they never spoke up about supporting us during our equal pay thing,” </p><p>Megan looks at her thoughtfully and nods, “You’ve always stuck to your principles,” she says seriously, “and sometimes I didn’t understand that and just thought you threw away opportunities with sponsors. But it’s because you don’t commit to anything unless you believe in it and it took me a while to understand that.” </p><p>“That’s pretty commendable,” Lauren murmurs, “I know it’s a decent amount of money,” </p><p>Christen is content to sit and hold Tobin and listen as the women discuss how things have changed especially since Adidas took over as the league’s official jersey provider. She notices how Yael has her nose in her phone, typing away although it looks as if she’s still listening to the conversation. </p><p>“Like, Lindsay is the face of Adidas and she told me they approached her,” Allie shakes her head. </p><p>“I’m glad you said no,” A-Rod states, “they haven’t realized that we noticed their silence, and even now, with how they’ve spun Adidas sneaking in to ‘steal’ the jersey rights,” she air quotes, “they haven’t realized the player’s union voted to change sponsors.” </p><p>“They think they’re indestructible,” Alex notes, “they told me to basically fuck off when I turned down a clothing line.” She shakes her head, “They were pissed I said no and didn’t understand my commitment to the league and I that I shouldn't be doing side work now. Plus, I’m not the hot young thing I was,” </p><p>"Stop fishing for compliments, Al," Kelley grumbles, "you're still hot and you know it." </p><p>"I wasn't" Alex stops when Yael, who is the commissioner of the NWSL, looks up from her phone with a smile on her face. </p><p>“I just sent out an email,” she announces, “to the all of the players in the league. Just some food for thought as we prepare for the offseason and sharing with them the importance of choosing sponsors that align with the core standards of the NWSL and U.S. Soccer guidelines. Without naming names, I mentioned how we support companies that supported the USWNT during the equal pay battle and how our goal is to make soccer attainable to youth by being mindful of price points of the merchandise we endorse.”</p><p>“Fuck, YaYa, you’re savage!” Megan exclaims. </p><p>“Nothing like an email from the commish at,” Kelley looks at her watch, “eleven-thirty at night on a Tuesday,” </p><p>“Oh, shit,” Alex frowns, “it’s that late? We should head out,” she says, standing up, “tomorrow is going to come early,” </p><p> </p><p>Tobin is leaned up against Christen’s car with Christen pressed her, kissing her gently. “You get some sleep tonight, alright, babe?” Christen murmurs against her lips, kissing her again. Everyone has left and the back part of the house is dark, meaning Tobin’s siblings are probably sleeping. </p><p>“I’ll try,” Tobin replies and gives her a kiss, “I’m pretty sleepy,” </p><p>“And a lot stoned,” Christen chuckles, pulling away from her, “please just go in and go right to bed.”  </p><p>“I will,” Tobin nods, pushing herself off the vehicle and opening the driver’s side door for Christen to enter. They kiss once more over the rolled up window. “Please text me when you get home, babe,” Tobin says. </p><p>“I will,” she nods and slides into her seat, “I’ll see you in the morning,” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin feels hollow and spent and ready to leave the restaurant they’ve rented out for the meal after the burial. She’s made her rounds of greeting and thanking everyone and she’s done. She’s tired. Tired of being dressed up. Tired of talking. Tired of hearing of hearing how sorry everyone is. She wants to go home and a small smile crosses her face. </p><p>She instantly thought of the large farmhouse on the lonely road as home, not Portland. </p><p>She sits down at the table her siblings are at, giving Christen a small smile. The ceremony at the church was perfect, all of the songs her Mom wanted were played, the prayers she liked were spoken. It went exactly how she wanted it go. They opted to for a graveside burial service, a large group surrounding the hole in the earth, the pastor giving the burial rights and blessing. She grew emotional when she tossed a flower onto the casket, grieving that her Mom was gone and yet comforted that she knew everything was done how she wanted. It was bittersweet. </p><p>Presently, their meal is done and the servers are coming around to clear the tables. </p><p>“Hey, Per,” she says and nudges her sister next to her on her other side, “can I leave now?” </p><p>Perry gives her a concerned look, “You okay?” she asks just as quietly. </p><p>“I’m just done, you know?” Tobin half shrugs. </p><p>Perry nods, “Go,” she says, “I’ll say your goodbyes,” </p><p>“I already did,” Tobin replies and then turns to Christen, “babe?” </p><p>Christen turns from her conversation with Shaina, “What, hon?” </p><p>“Will you take me home?” </p><p>“Sure,” she nods, “now?” </p><p>Tobin nods. She sees Shaina looks like she wants to get out here as well, “Shai,” she says quietly, “you want to come with?” </p><p>“Please?” she asks gratefully. </p><p>Christen and Tobin nod, beginning to gather their purses and coats from the backs of their chairs. Shaina speaks with Jeffrey and soon the three women are out the doors. </p><p>“Do you guys wanna stop for coffee on the way?” Christen asks, giving Tobin’s hand a squeeze. </p><p>“Yes, please,” Tobin she replies, “Shai, you want one?” </p><p>“Oh, yes,” she grins, “that would hit the spot,” </p><p>When they arrive back at the house, Christen hesitates and catches Tobin’s hand, “Babe,” she says. Tobin looks at her expectantly. </p><p>“I’m going to go home for awhile, okay?” she says, hoping Tobin understands, “your family will be here and you should be with them until they leave,” </p><p>Tobin frowns and nods, “You’re right,” she says quietly, “are you working soon?” </p><p>Christen nods, “I’ll have a new patient in three days,” she states, “a few hours a day,” </p><p>Tobin nods, “You still wanna come to Portland with me?” </p><p>“Of course,” Christen smiles, “I want to see how cool, soccer Goddess Tobin Heath is in her natural habitat.” </p><p>That gets a grin from Tobin, “Well, I don’t know about that,” she says, “but for certain you’ll get better coffee out there,” </p><p>“And I expect to eat at your top three favorite places,” Christen points a finger at her teasingly. </p><p>“I promise,” Tobin brings Christen’s hand to her lips and kisses it softly. Then she hugs her, “Thank you again,” </p><p>“You’re welcome, babe,” Christen says, “I’ll come by tomorrow to say goodbye to everyone, okay?” she asks and when Tobin nods, “Just text me what would be a good time,” </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Your amazing comments have brought tears to my eyes. </p><p>The comments of support you've shared is so kind. </p><p>I'm so deeply moved that many of you found a sense of healing from words I have written. </p><p>It is overwhelming.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin watches from the front porch as the three vehicles drive out of the driveway and disappear down the road. Her brother and Shaina and her sisters and their families are gone. They spent yesterday and this morning hanging out, Perry wanting to help Tobin with any paperwork and Tobin replying they couldn’t do anything until they had their Mom’s death certificate. She assured her she could handle it and she promised to call her with any questions. The lawyer would be handling most of it. </p><p>Aunt Meg and Miss Sally came by for a bit yesterday, after the meal, all of them tired and feeling out of sorts. They took apart the photo boards, tediously returning each of the photos in their proper album. Perry and Tobin attacked the kitchen, organizing all of the food that had overwhelmed them. Since it would be just her there, Tobin decided to freeze much of it, running outside and putting some in the freezer in the garage. </p><p>They decided to have Thanksgiving at the house in November, all of them apologizing profusely for not being able to attend Tobin’s event in Portland in a couple of weeks. Tobin reassured them she understood, they had taken so much time off work, it wasn’t a huge thing. She waved them off and told them if they watched it on TV that’d be cool.<br/>
Katie teased her when she let it slip that Christen was going with her, asking her a million questions about the dark haired woman. Tobin answered her questions good naturedly, seeing how happy her sister was that she was dating someone. Plus, it helped that Katie knew Christen and liked her a lot. </p><p>Tobin steps back into the house, feeling a sense of loss now that she is pretty much on her own. She has Aunt Meg and Miss Sally and some of the other ladies that were her Mom’s friends, but knowing her siblings are gone and on their way back to own lives makes a ping in her chest. She knows they’ll all handle their grief in their own ways, she knows they’ll all keep in touch, they always have and that won’t change. It helps that they all know everything about their Mom’s estate since the get go, there’s no surprises about it. Except one.<br/>
Tobin hasn’t told them she was taking over the farm. Like, she thinks they suspect it, just by how Tobin knows so much about it, but she hasn’t officially said anything, unless her Mom told them and she didn’t know it. </p><p>They also don’t know that she’s chosen to live here. </p><p>They had briefly touched on going through Mom’s possessions, Tobin suggested tabling it until Thanksgiving so they didn’t have to rush. That would give them time, they’d have three and a half days and it would allow Tobin go through things first and get a sense of what she is interested in keeping. She can organize her clothes and gather some boxes so they can ship things back and use them for donations. She’s okay with leaving things as they are right now, she thinks it will help her grieve in her own way. She knows her Mom wrote out specific wishes for who she wanted certain pieces of jewelry and other items to go to. She’s not sure when she’ll feel like growing through it, but it’s nice to have a date in mind to get it done. </p><p>She’ll make a list later of what she’d like to do and it'll be good for her to know she’ll need to complete things before Thanksgiving, but for now, her desire is to find Christen. She’s somewhere in the house. She looks around the main floor, frowning when she doesn’t see her in the kitchen, pantry or sunroom. She checks the study and then stands in the living room, maybe she’s in the bathroom, she thinks. </p><p>“Chris?” she calls out. </p><p>“Up here,” her voice floats down the stairs. Tobin turns and climbs the stairs. She enters her room to find Christen lying in bed, her dark hair down with wild curls, wearing a silky white nightie. She gulps at the sight, the contrast of the small white article of clothing against her caramel skin. </p><p>“Come here,” Christen husks, “I need to feel you,” she invites by spreading her legs and curling her finger for Tobin to approach. </p><p>As Tobin takes a step forward and Christen smirks, “Lose the clothes, stud,” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin is in the study three days later with Jerry, her lawyer now. Yesterday, she picked up her Mom’s death certificate from the funeral home and spent the afternoon finding the insurance policies she needed to contact. Jerry was here to guide her through what she needed to do and what he would handle. It is all going smoothly, just like he assured her it would many months ago. Her Mom was organized and they have everything needed to complete their tasks. Perry, Katie and Jeffrey call everyday, checking on her, making sure she’s okay being alone in the house. Tobin assures them she is, explaining what she’s doing and the progress she’s made with the financial responsibilities. It takes a little time, but she’s patient. </p><p>When Jerry hugs her as he prepares to leave, Tobin realizes this is her new normal. She’s floated around these past few days. The morning after everyone left the house, Tobin sleepily sauntered to the kitchen and mindlessly prepared two cups of coffee. One for herself and one for her Mom. It wasn’t until she entered the sunroom that it hit. She carefully placed the mug of her Mom’s brew on the side table and curled up on the recliner, staring at the spot where the hospital bed had been and slowly drank her coffee while tears slipped from her eyes. </p><p>It was those kind of things that threw her off, like when she hears her Mom’s voice calling for her in the darkness, waking from sleep and realizing it was just a dream. Making lunch just for herself. She was slowly adapting to her new normal.   </p><p>She went to Christen’s last night, relaxing with her, playing with the dogs. Christen asked her to accompany her to a costume party at the end of the month and she eagerly agreed. She’s been waiting to meet her friends and is looking forward to the opportunity. They discuss possible costumes, whether they wanted to be that couple who do couples costumes or not. They agree to think about it and decide sooner than later, they want time to be able to order costumes if needed. </p><p>Tobin shared with her that she craves routine. It’s all she’s known, from playing soccer, working out and practicing to taking care of her Mom, she had a routine. Christen listens and quietly suggests she begin to look at her future and what a routine would look like. </p><p>Tobin ponders it for an evening and then the next morning, her routine comes to her in the form of a phone call from Matt, the farmer she went to school with. He’s asking her if she wants to see a calf being born. Tobin thinks it’s a great idea and Christen is working this morning, so she says yes and Matt tells her to wear boots and old jeans and he’ll watch for her at the farm. </p><p> </p><p>The bleat of the calf as it’s Mother bathes her with her tongue fills the warm enclosure Tobin is in with Matt and a veterinarian. “This is amazing,” Tobin whispers, having never seen the birth of an animal before. </p><p>“She’s gonna have a nice life and give good milk,” Matt says proudly, “what should we name her?” he questions Tobin. </p><p>“I don’t know,” she shrugs. </p><p>“How about CindyLou?” he smiles at her, “she’s got big brown eyes like your Ma,” </p><p>“Matt,” Tobin’s voice wobbles, completely not expecting this, “dude,” </p><p>“We always name our animals after people we love,” he says, his voice gruff with emotion, “it’s only right.” </p><p>Tobin nods, “She gonna make some cheese?” she asks, giving him a teary eyed grin. </p><p>“The best cheese,” he grins back. Then he looks and nudges her, “Watch, she’s gonna get up.” </p><p>After they watch the newborn wobble around the straw floor and after the vet declares her healthy they leave the enclosure to give the new parent a rest and some privacy with the calf. The vet leaves and the two stand around for a few minutes. </p><p>“So, how’s Laura doing?” Tobin asks. Laura is Matt’s wife. She’s currently up in Wisconsin somewhere learning to be a cheesemaker. </p><p>“She’s good,” he grins, “miss her crazy,” he cocks his head, “come on,” He leads her to an outbuilding and into a room decked in stainless steel counters and shelving. “She was here for a couple of days,” he explains, “and went back yesterday,” he pulls out a box from a refrigerator. “Here’s some of the cheese she’s learned to make so far,” He brings it to the table nearby, carefully unwrapping a few packages and finding a plate and cheese knife. “She’ll be done just before Thanksgiving,” he states as they sample the gruyere while sitting on stools. </p><p>“This is really good,” Tobin enthuses, “you lining up a distributor or?” </p><p>“Well, we’ll see,” he hesitates, “we’d need a pretty big cheese room to do it right,” he explains “and I’m not sure if we want to commit to it being like a thing or what,” </p><p>Tobin shrugs, “Put it in your three year plan,” she suggests, “let’s talk about it,” she shrugs again, “figure it out,” </p><p>“Yeah,” he nods, “she’s telling me about how much labor is needed if we really wanted to produce,” </p><p>“Well, what if you kept it on the smaller side and made it just local?” Tobin asks, “Like how Mikey does the herbs for the chefs.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know,” he sighs. </p><p>“You know,” Tobin says thoughtfully, “what if we created a brand,” she says, “I don’t know, like, I was in Germany and they have these stores of just fresh stuff from farms. Cheese, fresh milk, sausages, salsa and fruits and vegetables.” </p><p>“Like a year round farmer’s market?” Matt asks, the idea piquing his interest. </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin nods, taking another small bite of the cheese and humming, “we could do all of the stuff we produce,”   </p><p>“Would we do it in town?” he asks. </p><p>Tobin shrugs, “I don’t know,” she confesses, “at one of the farms would be cool,” she shrugs, “I suppose we’d have to check with zoning laws and stuff and the farms might have to go through some hoops with the FDA.” </p><p>Matt nods knowingly, “Yeah,” he considers, “still, it’s a good idea,” he opens another package, “Try this swiss,” he says, “I’ll talk to Hank,” he says, “see what he thinks,” </p><p>“Cool,” Tobin grins, “I love me some swiss cheese,” </p><p>After trying the different cheeses, the two walk around the farm with Matt explaining how things work. They jump in a side by side ATV and he shows her the pasture lands, explaining how the herd is switched from time to time and he shows her the big barn, proudly explaining that it’s completely enclosed to keep the cows from the brutal cold weather and the doors slide open in the summer. They ride past the hay fields, bundles of wrapped hay lying in the field, waiting to be picked up and stored to be used as feed for winter. When Tobin leaves, she walks back to her Mom’s truck, swinging a small bag filled with a few wedges of cheese and whistling a tune.</p><p>She makes it back to the house before Christen arrives after her shift and quickly prepares lunch for them. It’s a dreary overcast day and she thinks it calls for tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches made from some of the newly acquired cheese. </p><p>Christen walks into the sunroom and the smell of soup fills her nostrils, making her take a deep breath in appreciation. Soup was what she was thinking for lunch today. In fact, she had almost stopped to pick some up but didn’t, knowing Tobin wanted to eat the food that family and neighbors had brought over.  </p><p>“Hey, babe,” she greets Tobin in the kitchen, giving her a hug and a soft kiss, “how was your morning?” </p><p>“It was pretty rad,” Tobin replies, giving her a wide smile, the kind that reaches her eyes. One Christen hasn’t seen for a few weeks. </p><p>“What’d you do?” she asks with intrigue. </p><p>“Let me make these grilled cheeses and I’ll tell you,” Tobin grins, “want to get the bowls for the soup?” </p><p>Christen grins back and nods and moves to the cabinet, pulling out two bowls and wondering what has gotten Tobin so happy. “Ah, tomato,” she sighs happily after lifting the lid of the pot on the stove, finding the ladle and filling the bowls. </p><p>After a few minutes of serious eating since the two women are both starving, Tobin looks over and gives her a grin. “I watched a calf be born this morning,” she states. </p><p>“Really?” Christen asks with wide eyes, “how did that come about?” </p><p>“Matt called me this morning,” Tobin explains and goes on to chatter about how they watched the birth, how Matt named the newborn CindyLou and they tried the cheese they’re eating and her tour of the farm. </p><p>“I think I’m gonna call Aaron,” Tobin muses when she finishes, “see if I can go hang out with him tomorrow morning,” Aaron is one of the other farmers. </p><p>“I think that’s a great idea,” Christen nods, giving her a smile. </p><p>That’s how Tobin found herself in the heated cab a tractor pulling a twenty-three foot wide plow pulling under the remnants of the corn and allow it to compost over the winter months. The farmers took her under their wing, understanding she needed something to keep herself busy and was eager to learn their craft. After the first week, Hank Latham mentioned that most of them met up at the truck stop diner near the expressway for breakfast. There would always be a few of them there, enjoying a hearty meal before beginning their day. </p><p>Soon, Tobin would get up early, get in a workout, shower and dress and drive her Mom’s truck to the diner, enjoying breakfast and learning more about the farmers. The farmers soon learn how genuinely eager she is to get in and get dirty, wanting to experience it all. She’s mucked stalls, driven numerous tractors and sat down to learn seed patterns and the variety of heirloom seeds they use. </p><p>She would have lunch with Christen most days at the house. Sometimes she would meet Christen at her own place. They would walk the dogs, go grocery shopping together or chase around completing mundane errands. Some nights Christen would spend the night when she had the following day off. Sometimes Tobin would stay at Christen’s place.<br/>
Tobin would still have moments of unexpected grief. A thoughtful card arriving in the mail, Alex asking her heartfully how she is doing. Putting the truck into her name at the DMV. Changing her address on her driver’s license. Seeing the Eiffel Tower keychain holding her Mom’s extra housekeys. Her and her siblings check in with each other almost every day. They’re all feeling the loss in unexpected ways. </p><p>One week was particularly hard and her third day of being quiet and mopey and questioning if she’s ever going to feel better, Christen looks up from the book she’s reading on the couch in the living room. </p><p>“Babe,” she says, her tone neutral and calm, “why don’t you go check out the desk in the study,” she suggests gently. </p><p>Tobin straightens, “For what?” she’s perplexed. </p><p>Christen shrugs, “Just, go look,” she says and goes back to her reading. </p><p>Curious, Tobin wanders into the study, flicking the overhead light on and wondering where the heck she’s going to put the twin bed. She glances over to the desk, seeing something on the green felt blotter. She walks over and feels the breath leave her body when she sees an envelop with her name written on it in her Mom’s neat handwriting.<br/>
She heavily sits in the chair, staring at the envelop, swallowing roughly over the lump in her throat. With a shaky hand she lifts the envelop, letting her fingers run over her name. Slowly she turns over the envelop. Slotting a nail under the flap to open it, she pulls out two pieces of paper and takes a deep breath as she unfolds it begins to read. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>My sweetest Tobin,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I asked Christen months ago to deliver this to you when you’ve been struggling with my death and she felt you might benefit from reading my words. If you are reading this while sitting in the comfy desk chair, then a few things have occurred to find yourself here. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The first thing to have happened is that you probably are running the farm. You’ve taken on a new challenge and for that I’m over the moon that you’ve decided to take this path. You may be experiencing some self-doubt right now or feel overwhelmed with responsibility but let me assure you that this is the perfect role for you. You were born for this.<br/>
The passion you have for soccer has given you the tools to succeed immensely when you start to think about it. Being a team player and not putting yourself first but seeing the importance and satisfaction of a group collectively achieving goals. Finding a routine, possessing stamina, patience, creativity, strength and the willingness to dive in to do some hard work. While number crunching may not be one of your favorite tasks, it will soon become second hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Soon, you’ll find a sense of community with those that work the field. You’re an amazing people person and have this wonderful sense of curiosity and enthusiasm and I’m sure that will lead you to find the joys of this business. You understand that you have to put in work to reap the rewards and success. You know that patience is a virtue. You’re amazingly creative mind will introduce new ideas and will encourage and prompt those around to think just as creatively because your enthusiasm is beautifully contagious. You will succeed because you have a stubborn streak and you hate to lose. Some ideas will work and others will fall flat. You know what defeat tastes like and you know how to rise above from it and begin again. Remember the farmers are ultimately responsible for the crops. Drought, floods, late springs or early falls are out of your hands. Control what you can control sweetheart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Your Great-Grandmother Tobin, my Grammy, whose first name was Matilda, (aren’t you glad we choose Tobin? : )) she worked the land side by side with your Great-Grandfather.<br/>
Seems pretty incredibly that you are carrying on the family tradition. How fitting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Also, you must know if there comes a time when you discover this isn’t the life for you, you are free to walk away. You must promise to yourself to never continue on with this if your heart isn’t in it. You have too much passion, too much creativity to squander if you’re unhappy. Sometimes it’s okay for all good things to come to an end. Please don’t ever feel guilty if you consider this choice. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now, on the off chance that you’ve decided to live in the house. Make it our own. Put your stamp on it. I love your sense of style at your condo in Portland. You’ve got an eye for color and finding unique pieces of furniture and accents. Don’t feel guilty of getting rid of furniture, I know you’ll ask your siblings, but please remember Meg and Sally. I think they would like to be included. Whatever you decide, just do it without regrets sweetheart. Life is too short for you to feel badly over something as trivial as being upset over a piece of furniture or a knick-knack. It’s yours- do as you see fit. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know how long you’ll have spent of your life taking care of me and I’ve been selfish in wanting it to be for a long while. I’ve loved having you here, you’re so easy to live with and you always sense and meet my needs. I’m truly blessed with how this worked out and I’m so grateful you opened your heart and felt the call to come back home for me. I know the sacrifices you have made and I deeply appreciate it. You have such a servant’s heart. It truly seemed as if God created this special time for just you and I and I will always cherish having you. I hope it hasn’t left any scars on your heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to leave you this my daughter, something for you to think about when you are feeling lost or alone or sad. I choose the birch tree to plant in the yard for a reason. Any tree will represent the seasons of life, the growth of spring, the bloom of summer, the sense of loss in the fall and the dormancy of winter. A birch tree, however, is a Celtic symbol of renewal and so much more. Considered a Sun Symbol on Celtic lore, it represents life, power, strength, energy, force, clarity and self. All things you have in yourself. Read up on it sometime, I think you’ll find it very interesting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, any time you doubt yourself or feel sad, know that tree is there standing tall. It will remain for years withstanding the elements and cycling through the seasons. Maybe it will help you contemplate the seasons of your life and find some clarity. Maybe it will allow you reminisce about the seasons of my life and let you look back and smile at the good memories. Perhaps the sound of the wind softly rustling through the leaves will remind you of me. Perhaps it will be a bird who suddenly appears and sings a pretty song. I leave that tree for you to find comfort when you seek it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve been so proud to call you my daughter because of the amazing woman you’ve always been. You’ve been one of the biggest joys of my life and I love you very much. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>-Mom</em> </p><p> </p><p>Tobin sets the paper down, leaning her elbows on the desk, raising her hands to her face as she cries. As her tears lessens, she feels so many emotions right now, missing her Mom yet feeling comforted by her words and the fact she can refer to this letter any time she needs to hear her message again. She’s amazed at her thoughtfulness, leaving the tree there for her to see and remember her by. She’s amazed at the strength it must have taken her Mom to set these words to paper knowing she intends Tobin read this after she’s gone. </p><p>Christen sets her book down and opens her arms when Tobin enters the living room. Tobin slides onto the couch and lets herself be held. There are no tears right now, Tobin is still slightly in shock and also she feels a sense of freedom. She’s felt this responsibility since she agreed to come home back in December. She knows her siblings or her Mom never pressured her, but she felt she had to do this right. Get it perfect and give her Mom exactly what she needed and wanted during her final months with them. </p><p>As her death approached and Tobin decided to take over the farm, she faced the next quandry: keeping the family farmhouse. It took her a long while to figure out that she was home already. She would always hold Portland dear to her heart, but it was time to move on. Now she’s faced with the task of making her Mom’s house her home. It’s delicate and she doesn’t want to hurt her siblings’ feelings if she makes changes. It’s weighed heavy on her heart. She wondered how her Mom would feel if she redecorated to suit her style. Painted the walls. Got rid of some pieces of furniture. </p><p>Now she has her Mom’s permission and she feels free. </p><p>She nuzzles against Christen’s neck, breathing in the woman’s scent she’s grown so fond of, smiling as she places a soft kiss on her smooth skin. “Thank you,” she murmurs, letting out a sigh and feeling how Christen shivers beneath her. </p><p>“She gave it to me sealed,” Christen states quietly, “and she asked that I give it you when you were struggling.” </p><p>Tobin pulls back to look in her eyes, “You’re timing is impeccable,” she says and smiles, “it was a wonderful letter,” </p><p>Christen returns her smile, “I’m so glad,” she says and runs her hand up and down Tobin’s back. Christen waits, thinking Tobin will say more, but when she’s silent, she realizes Tobin probably needs some time to process the letter. She decides to change the subject. “You excited about going back to Portland?” she asks. </p><p>“I’m excited about showing you Portland,” Tobin grins, shifting so they’re sitting next to her, “and I’ll have you know, I made the necessary reservations to satisfy your dining requirements.” She wiggles her eyebrows at her. </p><p>Christen reaches over and bops her nose, “I was teasing when I said that,” she smiles, “we can do whatever you want, I’m you’re guest, show me what you want.” </p><p>Tobin nods, “I will, for sure,” she says, “and just so you know,” she nods, “a bunch of the gals will be there and we’ll hang with them Saturday after the match.” </p><p>“Oh,” Christen smiles, “that sounds fun!” </p><p>“Yeah, it should be sweet,” Tobin agrees, “you packed yet?” she teases. </p><p>“Just about,” Christen confirms, “just need to do my toiletries.”</p><p>“Why did I know you’d be set,” Tobin grins. “I can’t wait,” she says excitedly, “one more day,” </p><p>Christen grins with her, “Neither can I,” </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, this is coming to a close. Thank you to all who decided to stick around. One more chapter. </p><p>Again, I can't express how deeply moved I've been from your heartfelt comments. This one was a selfish work, it was me processing life and death and how the world looks after someone you hold dear is gone. </p><p>Thank you so much for your support.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Portland</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Christen shifts her purse strap on her shoulder as she walks next to Tobin through the airport, glancing over and seeing Tobin walking with her head down and a smile on her face. She nudges her with her elbow, giving Tobin curious look. </p><p>“Ah,” Tobin chuckles and shakes her head, “this carpet,” she says, an affectionate grin on her face, “I just love it,” </p><p>Christen looks down at the geometric shapes on a teal background, raising her eyebrows. “You have something like this at your condo?” she asks doubtfully. </p><p>Tobin laughs louder, her hand on Christen’s back, “Nah,” she says with amusement, “it’s just, like, I’ve been in this airport so many times, it’s not even funny,” </p><p>Christen nods, thinking about the amount of travel Tobin must have experienced during her career. </p><p>Tobin leads them to a car rental counter and a few minutes later, they are in the car and leaving the airport. </p><p>“Hungry?” Tobin asks, “We can eat first or go to my place,” she offers, “whatever you want.”</p><p>“I can eat,” Christen states, “where does Tobin Heath go fresh off an airplane to chow down?” </p><p>Tobin glances over and gives her a smirk, “A place that will give you a food orgasm,” she says and laughs. </p><p>Christen laughs with her, “Food orgasm? That’s setting a pretty high expectation.”</p><p>“Just you wait,” Tobin nods knowingly with another smirk directed at her. </p><p> </p><p>“Mmmmm,” </p><p>The unintentional, longer than appropriate for being in public, moan from Christen’s mouth makes her raise her eyebrows with embarrassment. She sees Tobin looking at her from across the table with great amusement. “And how is that French fry Ms. Press?” Tobin asks, her voice dripping sarcasm. </p><p>Deciding to have some fun, Christen places both hands flat on the table, closing her eyes and jutting her chest out as she finishes chewing and letting out a satisfied deep sigh, “Amazing,” she states, her voice low and husky as she opens her lids to see Tobin looking at her, her expression one of a mix of humor with her eyes darkening with desire. They stare at each other for a moment before breaking into laughter. </p><p>“So,” Christen grins, “these fries just might be the best I’ve ever had in my life,” she declares. </p><p>“Is that so?” Tobin grins back at her before taking the last bite of her cheeseburger.</p><p>“You were correct,” Christen says as she lifts the final fry on her plate, giving Tobin a broad smile, “these are really terrific.” </p><p>Tobin shakes her head and looks up at her through her long lashes, “I’m glad,” she says, turning her plate and offering her the few remaining fries, “have at it,” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, this is really nice,” Christen states as she looks around the living room, taking in the space. After their early dinner, they took a walk around the city since it was pretty mild out, stopping to get coffees to go as they walked off their meal. They shop around a dispensary and Tobin purchases some edibles and weed along with a smudge stick for Christen she swears she’ll love. They returned to the car and Tobin’s building, unloading their carry on bags and entering her place. </p><p>“Thanks,” Tobin smiles as she looks around, happy her cleaning crew had done such a good job. She had called them two weeks ago to schedule them to come in, realizing there would be a thick layer of dust on the place if she didn’t. The idea of bringing Christen here and having to clean wasn’t appealing.  </p><p>Christen walks around slowly, looking at the paintings on Tobin’s wall and then some of her photos on two shelves. She smiles seeing the ones of Tobin with her family and recognizing many soccer players in the others. She joins Tobin near the kitchen counter, slipping her arm around Tobin’s waist, “It has such a comfy vibe,” she observes, “it’s very relaxing,” </p><p>“Chill,” Tobin arches an eyebrow at her and smirks as she jokes, “I was going for hipster hotel room, nothing too distracting, but just like, basic but interesting.” </p><p>Christen surveys the open area of the living room and kitchen, nodding as she looks, “Nailed, it,” she smiles. She leans in and kisses her, “I really like it, babe,” </p><p>“Come check out the view,” Tobin invites, taking her hand and leading her to the patio. She unlocks and opens the glass door, “We missed the sunset, but the city still looks cool at night,” </p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Christen breathes as she looks out into the city, “I can’t wait to see it in the morning,” </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin says softly, “the sunrises are okay, we’re on the wrong side of the building for that,” she says, “but the sunsets,” she shakes her head, “they’re amazing.” </p><p>They stay out there for a few minutes, Christen leaning into Tobin, feeling how she wraps her strong arms around her as they kiss. They both get chilly and retreat inside. </p><p>“What did you want to do now?” Tobin asks. “We could take a drive, go to bar,” she shrugs, “whatever you want.” </p><p>“Well,” Christen considers, “tomorrow is going to be a very busy day,” she reasons, “what if we just hang out here?” </p><p>“Wanna go swimming?” Tobin offers, “We could hit the hot tub, chill out, come back here and have a glass of wine,” </p><p>“I didn’t bring a swimsuit,” Christen frowns. </p><p>“You can borrow one of mine,” Tobin offers, “what do you think?”</p><p>Christen smiles, “A hot tub sounds really nice,” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next morning after breakfast, which Tobin silently thanked Lindsey for coming over to accept the delivery she ordered online before they arrived so she’d have some food in the house, the two women packed overnight bags and headed out the rental car. They stopped for coffee to go and hit the road. Tobin had promised Christen a day of sharing her favorite things about living in Portland. That included an overnight stay at a destination of which she wouldn’t tell her. </p><p>Tobin takes her to Powell’s City of Books, setting a deadline that they could only stay an hour before having to leave. Christen laughed at her, thinking they would walk through and be done in a half an hour and then she started looking around and realized quickly she could spend an entire afternoon in the building. After Christen selected two books to purchase, one on yoga and another about meditation, they were back in the car. </p><p>They stroll the streets, stopping in a funky gift shop that sells vintage vinyl records, artisanal bath products and strange custom printed clothing. It was quite the mix and Tobin bought a few different bath bombs, winking at Christen as she paid for them. After a quick drive, they stand in line for twenty minutes at Voodoo Doughnut, each getting another coffee and selecting a doughnut with the promise of sharing. They demolish the doughnuts and then Tobin announces, the road trip has begun. </p><p>She navigates to the highway and heads east, the two holding hands while she drives. </p><p>“I had such a hard time figuring out what I wanted to show you,” Tobin confesses, “there’s so many places to hike and gardens to visit and mountains to climb,” she grins, “you’ll just have to come back.” </p><p>Christen smiles at her, agreeing that would be a good idea as she watches the amazing scenery pass as they drive. She considers if Tobin means that she’ll be living here mostly and their relationship will require some traveling. She wonders how long she would be able to sustain that type of arrangement before needing to make a decision of moving here. She’s not sure how long she could go without seeing Tobin and feeling her touch. </p><p>She knows that being with Tobin is the best sex she’s ever had, like, mind-blowing, thigh quivering, nearly begging, spasm inducing sex that she’s almost passed out from a couple of times. Once you’ve had that, well, it’s hard to give it up. She’s also falling in love with her, well, scratch that, she thinks to herself, I know I’m in love with her. I’ve been wanting to tell her yet the timing hasn’t been right. She’s hoping an opportunity will come up this weekend to share that with her. She thinks if Tobin brings up staying in Portland, she’ll tell her. Right after she tells her it’s okay if she stays in Portland, they’ll work it out. She smiles to herself, letting her thoughts move on to trying to figure out where this surprise road trip is going to take them. </p><p>Ten minutes later, Christen gets a clue. “Troutdale Airport?” she questions, when the pass a sign. Instead of turning at the main entrance, Tobin drives past it, around the perimeter towards the back. </p><p>“Maybe,” Tobin grins, giving her a shrug and a head wiggle, thoroughly enjoying keeping her in the dark. She makes a left at the light and a drives a few hundred feet more before pulling into a parking lot. </p><p>“Envi Adventures?” Christen questions. </p><p>“Come on,” Tobin says as she unbuckles her seatbelt and opens her door, “we don’t’ want to be late.” She pops the trunk and retrieves her camera bag, slinging it on her shoulder and taking Christen’s hand as she leads them to the small office. Before they enter, she stops and looks at her. </p><p>“I did a thing,” she says quietly, growing nervous at the thought that Christen could potentially hate this idea and not want to go, “um, I wanted to show you some of why I love this area,” she explains, fidgeting with the strap of her bag and shifting her weight. She takes a deep breath and holds it for a moment, exhaling it as she grows a little distressed, “Have you ever gone up in a helicopter?” she asks quickly, biting her lower lip with her eyebrows raised high on her forehead, over her sunglasses. </p><p>Christen looks shocked, “We’re going on a flight tour?” she asks dramatically, glancing at the sign above the door, stating what the services the company provides. </p><p>“Yes?” Tobin answers uncertainly, frowning with uncertainty and feeling she may have just made a huge mistake.  </p><p>Christen breaks out in a huge grin, “I’ve never been before,” she replies excitedly, “but I’m sure it’ll be amazing,” she leans in close, “thank you, babe.” </p><p>Tobin breathes a sigh of relief, accepting the kiss on her cheek that Christen gives her, “Oh, man,” she says with relief, “I’m so happy,” she opens the door, “after you, Miss,” she says, bowing slightly as Christen passed with a giggle. </p><p>It takes a few minutes to check in and sign off on the paperwork and the numerous release forms make Christen nearly second her decision but one glance at the look of excitement on Tobin’s face sets her at ease. They finish up and wait a few minutes for the pilot to come and lead them out on to the tarmac. Tobin insists that Christen should sit up in front and opts to sit behind the pilot wanting to be able to view Christen’s expression while they are up in the air. They get their headsets in and listen the safety instructions and soon are in the copter. Christen gives her a wide eyed look as they gain speed and returns Tobin’s wide smile, looking forward as the helicopter lifts from the ground. The pilot banks to left and begins to speak and explain what sights they would be seeing. </p><p>They do a low level pass over Multnomah Falls and the Columbia River Gorge. From there they follow the Sandy River towards Mount Hood and over the Mount Hood National Forest, all the while, Tobin is snapping photos of the views and Christen. She can’t get enough of seeing the expression on her face as she takes in the natural beauty below them. Her expressions of wonderment and awe at the amazing beauty of the nature below them. It’s something powerful to see. The pilot climbs and points out the surrounding peaks, Mt. Ranier, Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Adams, Mt. Jefferson and finally Mt. Hood. He descends the plane back into the Columbia River Gorge, flying past Elowah Falls, Horsetail Falls, Multnomah Falls from a different angle and other sights. </p><p>“It’s so beautiful,” Christen says as she turns to look at Tobin, “thank you, babe,” she says, smiling at her, “this is incredible.” </p><p>Tobin’s chest swells with emotion, “Welcome, babe,” she beams at her, playfully clicking the camera at her and giving her a grin. Christen turns back and leans to the side to look down. </p><p> </p><p>Minutes later, after they land and park back at the hangar and are back on solid ground, Christen rushes to Tobin. “Tobin!” Christen exclaims, hugging her tightly, “That was unbelievable!” she says, pressing their lips together. They both look at each other, smiles on their faces, feeling the adrenalin coursing through their bodies from the excitement. They thank the pilot profusely and depart, walking hand in hand back to the car. Tobin goes south out of the airport and sticks to city streets for fifteen minutes until they get on Route 26 and head east, passing small town along the way. The two are talking up a storm about the flight, Tobin filling her in on the places she’s actually gone to and those she still wants to see up close from the ground. </p><p>“I’ve never seen so many trees,” Christen marvels as she looks out the window, “this is amazing,” </p><p>Tobin gives her a toothy smile, “I’m so happy you like it,” </p><p>“You know me,” Christen chuckles, “I’m a Cali tree hugger stuck in the Midwest,” </p><p>That spurs on a conversation about California State Parks until Tobin slows the vehicle down and makes a left to exit the highway. </p><p>“We have a little bit before check in,” she explains, “but this place is super cool,” she assures as she parks the car at a gas station. Christen looks unsure, but she figures Tobin has been here before and she wouldn’t steer her wrong.<br/>
It’s a basic gas station on one side, selling snacks and other sundries. To their right is a gift shop with a small restaurant attached. They weren’t hungry while they looked the souvenirs and chose a few snacks for later. They decided on a bottle of wine and ordered a charcuterie board from the deli, choosing different cuts of meat and cheeses and some fruit and nuts. </p><p>Back in the car, they only drove a short distance and then Tobin turned off the road and onto Timberline Highway. “If you thought you saw a lot of trees,” Tobin says with a smile, “just wait for this,” </p><p>She drives at a leisurely pace, there’s nobody behind them and she wants Christen to take in everything. She pulls over onto the gravel side of the road and they get out to look at the trees, walking a short distance on a trail. She takes photos of Christen hugging a huge pine tree, they take a few photos together. Christen takes photos of Tobin in her beanie and puffy light blue Columbia jacket. The mild temperature they enjoyed earlier in the day was dropping as they climbed in altitude. They get back on the road and continue up the road, passing a campground entrance and just as the trees give way to rocky terrain, a parking lot appears and Tobin turns the car to enter. </p><p>As Tobin pops the trunk open, she turns to Christen who is looking at the impressive lodge. “It was used for the exterior shots in the movie The Shining,” she informs her, smiling as Christen scrunches her face up as she tries to remember seeing it in the movie. They gather their bags and their recent food and drink purchases and make their way to the lobby. </p><p>The interior of the lodge is an incredible structure, heavy timbers create the hexagonal shape high above with an impressive stone chimney running up through the middle. Low slung chairs and couches litter the lobby in small seating spaces with tables and chairs crafted from wood. Woven tapestries add color to the walls along with nature themed mosaics and rustic stone work. </p><p>Tobin leads Christen to a couch, gesturing for her to sit while she checks in. She marvels at her surroundings, instantly feeling a sense of calm and relaxation. Tobin appears at her side, handing her a pamphlet, “Check this out,” she suggests with a grin, “I’ll be right back,” </p><p>Christen looks at the cover to see it is a history of this place. She sits back in her chair and opens it, looking forward to learn about it. She only gets to page three when Tobin is back, lifting her bag and grabbing the bag of wine of the charcuterie items. She stuffs the pamphlet in her purse, standing up to follow Tobin. </p><p>“This room is so neat,” Christen remarks as she sets her bag down on the chair of the small wooden desk that’s against the wall, “so rustic,” she grins at Tobin. </p><p>“Yeah, isn’t it?” Tobin grins back at her as she sets her bag on the bed. She sits down and fingers the woven blanket that’s folded on the foot of the bed, “I thought I read these are handmade,” she comments as she looks around the room. </p><p>It’s not a large room by any means, fitting a queen sized bed and allowing enough room to walk past it, a small writing desk against the wall with a fireplace and another chair on the opposite side. Below the large window is a loveseat, set back with a closet next to it. On the opposite side of the room is a small table with two chairs, a dresser and the bathroom. </p><p>“I didn’t get that far reading yet,” Christen replies, holding up the pamphlet, “I want to finish this,” she states and kicks off her shoes and moves to the bed. Tobin scoots over, kicks off her shoes and removes her bag, placing it on a chair. Tobin states she wants to relax a little and takes out her cannister and offers Christen a piece of the brownie. Christen shakes her head and Tobin eats the brownie as she sets the bag with the wine and meat on the table and lies in bed next to Christen. </p><p>They linger in the room for an hour, nibbling on the cheese, nuts and fruits with a glass of wine before they grow anxious to walk around and see what Christen has read about. They walk around taking in the history and craftsmanship of the building, pausing at the nooks with small chairs and tables, designed to sit and watch the outdoors all around the building. They find themselves at the Cascade Dining Room an enjoy an incredible early dinner. They walk around again now that darkness has set in, sitting for a few minutes in the lobby and enjoying the ambience. Not ready to end their evening, they find the bar and enjoy a flight of beers from the microbrew. </p><p>When they return to the room, Christen draws Tobin close, starting to peel off her clothes, intent on showing her how much she appreciates all the woman has shown her today. </p><p> </p><p>XXXX</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It was created in the late thirties during FDR’s WPA act to employ the country,” Christen is sharing with Lindsey Horan. They’re back at Tobin’s condo on Saturday in the late morning. Lindsey had come by after the invite from Tobin with a promise of a late breakfast before the match and to catch up before the busy day. Lindsey had been in the lodge but not to stay overnight and Christen was filling her in on what the room was like. </p><p>“It was so romantic,” she continues and Tobin begins to blush. Her speaking like that to Lindsey is just like Christen speaking like that to Perry or Katie.</p><p>“Oooh,” Lindsey gushes, eying Tobin who is standing at the stove monitoring the pancakes Lindsey requested, “how nice,” she grins. </p><p>Christen sees how Tobin blushes a bit as she looks down. They make eye contact and Tobin winks at her and she knows she’s fine. Christen passes Lindsey her phone, encouraging her look at her photos. The two animatedly chat while Tobin interjects as she begins to plate their meals. </p><p>"Avocado on toast too?" Lindsey grins, looking up when Tobin slides a plate in front of her. </p><p>"You got a match to win tonight," she says and winks, "plus you still can't poach an egg," </p><p> </p><p>Christen can’t stop smiling as she walks hand in hand with Tobin through the underside of Providence Park. She’s toured the meeting room and locker room, noting how her locker still stands empty, her jersey hung on a hanger with her warmup outfit folded below just the same as Christen Sinclair’s. She wonders if they did this for today but was informed by a whispering Lindsey that their jerseys have hung there since their last matches.</p><p>Lindsey had hung out with Christen while Tobin was pulled for a couple of interviews, seeing the sights of the training room and then settling in the players’ lounge, sipping a smoothie that Meghan Klingenberg had insisted she try. Now she’s greeting Tobin’s soccer friends who look genuinely excited to see her there, Alex Morgan giving her a tight hug as do Heather O’Reilly, Megan Rapinoe, Lauren Holiday, Amy Rodriguez, Meghan, Ashlyn and Ali and their children. She sees others in the box, many who were at the funeral. </p><p>“Hey you!” Allie Long steps in, giving Christen a hug, “I’m so happy to see you!” she gushes to her, “I can’t stay, but I wanted to say hi,” she grins, “We’ve got a Shield to win today.” </p><p>“Good luck!” Christen enthuses, “I think the team will have extra motivation today,” </p><p>“You got that,” Allie nods, “I’ll see you after, right?” she asks and Christen nods. </p><p>“Okay,” she nods, “see you in a couple of hours,” she says and she’s gone. </p><p>Tobin has been milling around, once she was assured Christen was fine to hang out with Alex, moving through the room, thanking people for attending today. Christen thinks she recognizes a few of them, definitely seeing Julie Foudy and Aly Wagner. </p><p>She congratulates Christine Sinclair when she approaches and the woman blushes, clearly uncomfortable with all of the pageantry surrounding them. Tobin joins them offering them each a beer she has carefully balanced in her hands. The three toast today. </p><p>“I’m so glad we just have to go down for halftime,” Sinc sighs, “I’m not built for this kind of stuff,” </p><p>Tobin nods, “I’m glad we did the interviews earlier,” she comments, “your group is gonna come tonight, right?” </p><p>Sinc nods, “Yeah, I’ll square up with you later, okay?”</p><p>“Sure thing,” Tobin smiles and sips her beer. She looks at Christen, “We’ll have to go down to the pitch after the match for a few interviews,” she explains, “it shouldn’t take long, do you want to come down and hang out?”</p><p>Christen shrugs, “I don’t know, should I?” </p><p>Sinc nods her head vigorously, “You should,” she smiles, “it’s not every day you’ll get the chance to experience this from the pitch,” </p><p>“Okay,” Christen smiles, “I’ll go,” </p><p> </p><p>Christen wipes the tears from her eyes after the video salute at halftime to Tobin and Sinc. The entire stadium is on their feet, chanting for the two former soccer players. Players and staff from both teams are on the pitch, not wanting to miss this special moment. Ann Schatz enters the center circle of the pitch to much applause. She reads the bio of Christine Sinclair and her many achievements and invites her out. </p><p>The roar of the crowd shakes the stadium. Sinc speaks for a few moments, thanking the staff, her teammates and the fans and the Riveters for their support over the years. She stands next to Ann while she lists Tobin’s impressive resume. </p><p>Christen watches as Tobin strolls out, casually waving as she meets Ann and Sinc, hugging them both. She looks good with her hair down, wearing a hoodie under a jean jacket on this brisk day. She confided to her this morning that she and Sinc had talked about what they would wear with an embarrassed look, as if the two agreeing not to get very dressed up was something they shouldn’t have done. She assured her it was fine and they should have talked since it would have looked odd if Tobin came out in a dress or something and Sinc was in jeans. </p><p>Tobin’s short speech is concise and from her heart as she thanks all of the players, staff and coaches and the owners in the Thorns organization. She also mentions and praises the female reporters and photographers who have championed womens’ soccer and were an important part of growing the game across the nation and the world. Christen thinks her and Sinc may have also discussed what they would say so they didn’t completely repeat one another and together their remarks come across as sincere and filled with gratitude. </p><p>As the crowd continues to cheer, a chant comes through the noise from the Riveters and suddenly material is being lifted. Two large banners are hoisted up, one displaying the backs of several Sinclair jerseys for every year she played on the team. The other is the same, showing the multiple Heath jerseys with her number seventeen. Once the banners are flying, Merritt Paulson, owner of the Thorns steps and up announces their privilege in retiring these numbers as the tarps come off way up high in the rafters as the two jerseys are proudly displayed. </p><p>Paulson also asks everyone to direct their attention to the video monitors while a special presentation is played. Remarks from Portland’s mayor and the Governor are shown. A mix of messages from Sinc and Tobin’s family members comes next. Then the cameras go live near the entrance of the park and General Manager Gavin Wilkinson appears to announce the newly created Ring of Thorns Garden and camera pans on the area near the entrance that is roped off and covered. The cover is removed by a crane lifting the material off to show a beautiful garden filled with red roses with two large boulders featuring carved reliefs of each player and a bronze plaque listing their soccer achievements. The reliefs skillfully show Tobin and Christine capturing them in action with a ball at their feet. </p><p>Christine and Tobin both looked shocked at the surprise, looking at each other with wide eyes and then again at the screen. Ann asks them what they think ad both are humble in the honor. Ann asks for one more round of applause and they exit the field with calls for the Thorns to come out fighting. </p><p>The whole group in the skybox are buzzing with excitement and being impressed with the Thorns ceremony. When the two honorees appear in the box near the sixtieth minute, a cheer erupts from them all. They make their way through the crowd accepting handshakes and hugs and high fives, Christine moving towards her family and friends and Tobin moving towards Christen. After hugging everyone near them, Tobin stands before her looking shy with a hint of excitement and happiness in her eyes. </p><p>Christen wraps her in a tight hug, wary of the cameras and kisses her cheek before releasing her. “That was amazing, babe,” she says, feeling Tobin link their pinky fingers together as they stand, the railing of the box hiding their hands. </p><p>The Thorns have a burst of scoring and the match ends with a score of 4-1 over the Utah Royals. The Shield is presented and the players celebrate on the pitch and then walk the perimeter to thank the fans before standing before the Riveters. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Tobin swings the car into the parking of a dilapidated building in an industrial park, Christen’s first reaction is that the place looks sketchy as all get out. Then she gets a deep sense of déjà vu, she feels like she’s been here before. </p><p>“You’re cousin owns this place, right?” she asks, looking over as they both unbuckle their seatbelts. </p><p>Tobin gives her a surprised look, “Yeah, how’d you know?” </p><p>Christen isn’t sure how she knows, she just has this strong feeling she’s been here before with Tobin and she doesn’t know why. She shrugs, “Maybe you or someone else mentioned it,” she considers, wondering if she had overhead the detail as she leaves the vehicle. </p><p>As Tobin swings open the door and steps aside for her to enter, Christen stops, “They have amazing shrimp, right?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Tobin looks puzzled, “how’d you know?” she repeats. </p><p>“I feel like I’ve been here before,” she confesses. </p><p>Tobin gives her a smile, “Maybe in a past life,” she shrugs and Christen feels better, entering the building. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Later, after an incredibly fun night of eating delicious food, talking with Tobin’s friends and playing arcade games and having some drinks, the two are in bed. Both are sweaty and coming down from their second round of sex feeling blissed out and content. </p><p>“So,” Tobin says, turning on her side and looking at her, “what do you think of Portland?” </p><p>“It’s a pretty amazing city from what I’ve seen so far,” Christen replies, “I just love how close the mountains are,” </p><p>Tobin smiles widely at that, “It’s a draw, isn’t it?” </p><p>“Uh huh,” Christen nods, beginning to wonder where this conversation is going. </p><p>“So,” Tobin rests her head on the pillow, looking at her in the dim light, “what would you think of coming back here with me some time?” </p><p>“Coming back?” Christen questions, “I assumed you’ll be staying here after you get the legal stuff taken care of back in Illinois,” </p><p>Tobin lets out a contented sigh, the smile still on her face, “I’m not staying,” she says quietly, “I’m going to live full time back home,” </p><p>“What?” Christen is stunned, she wasn’t expecting this, in fact, she was expecting the conversation to turn to commuting and long distance and what their relationship would look like. Not this. Seeing Tobin these past few days in Portland showed her how suited she was for the city, it fit her. She sits up abruptly, Tobin’s hand falling from her side, rapidly turning to sit cross legged to look at her, uncaring that she’s naked. </p><p>Tobin looks startled, sitting up as well, tangled in the sheets, “Babe, what’s wrong?” </p><p>“You’re going to stay in Illinois?” </p><p>Tobin blinks at her as she nods. “Is that bad?” </p><p>“No,” Christen breathes, “I just…” she looks around, “this place is so you. I can see why you love it and didn’t want to give it up,” </p><p>“But that’s the thing,” Tobin says earnestly, taking both of Christen’s hands and holding them loosely in her own, “I can have both,” she states, “I can live on the farm and come here whenever,” she says, “like a vacation place,” </p><p>It’s sinking in now, “You’re really going to stay,” she murmurs, “you’re not going to leave,” </p><p>“No,” Tobin shakes her head, smiling at her, “I just,” she inhales and lets it out, “I don’t want to leave the house, the farm,” she leans in closer, “you.” </p><p>Christen smiles, feeling butterflies in her stomach. </p><p>“Chris,” Tobin says, searching her eyes, “I’m in love with you,” </p><p>Christen’s smile widens as tears prick at her eyes, “I love you, babe,” she admits as reality hits. She rushes forward, a tangle of limbs in her rush to kiss Tobin, the force of her movements sending Tobin flat on her back on the mattress, landing with a soft umph and a chuckle. Christen looks down at a smiling Tobin, feeling euphoric. </p><p>“I can’t wait to do life with you, babe,” Tobin says and puckers her lips and Christen leans in and kisses her, then pulls back to look at her. </p><p>Christen lets her eyes search Tobin’s face, her smile growing as she slowly leans down to kiss her again, “Ditto,” she murmurs just before their lips connect. </p><p> </p><p>Fini</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you've come this far dear reader, I thank you for sticking it out. This wasn't the most joyful story and it was never intended to be. It's a difficult subject matter to discuss. Death is not one the topics that typically comes up in casual conversation. After experiencing some deaths in my family, I felt the need to search for some truths and some understanding. </p><p>I've found some peace and that's enough for me. </p><p> </p><p>For those of you who left those heartfelt and raw comments, I hope you found something as well. </p><p>Thank you for your time, I appreciate you all. </p><p>So, what's next you might ask? </p><p>I am working on the second installment of Mind Over Matter. It's going to take some time, I'm chapters deep already but with the flashbacks and history for the first story- it's very labor intensive. I'm committed to it. </p><p>Second note: I'm on Tumblr. Don't know how to navigate it a whole lot, but I'll check it from time to time. Fell free to ask on my progress, if you have questions about other stories, whatever. You'll find me as maresthird. </p><p>Later-</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This isn't a fun one y'all. It's sad and it's gloomy and there's angst and some soul searching. Maybe you can view this as a story that can give you a good excuse to cry while we deal with this global crisis and how it affects us and those we love. I know I've used it as an emotional outlet as i wrote it. </p><p>There are some bright spots, some laughs and some fluff and cuteness as well- so it's not a complete downer. Just...well, it's a hard subject- facing the mortality of your parents. </p><p>Updates will be every couple of days, you know I'm good for it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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